To be angry with friend...

[MummyMayo1988]

Quick back story:

Best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. Love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. To top off a perfect friendship; she loves my 2 crazy kids (9 and 5)

Anyhow; 2 years ago BF and her DH announced they were trying for a baby. We were over the moon for them. At the time she made a comment that I thought was strange; "You can't have any more kids till I've had one." Took it in jest and didn't think much of it.
18 months goes by and no pregnancy announcement so I ask if everything is ok with them. Reply was vague but as I understood it; they had been trying all this time with no success. I must mention that BF is quite prude about sex as is her DH. They don't talk about it at all. I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day??
In the meantime; DH and I had made the decision to try for baby number 3. I was pregnant within 5 months of trying and couldn't wait to tell best friend our news.
She was gutted. I could tell. She didn't speak to me for weeks and I was soo sad about it to the point I regretted getting pregnant.
When she finally replied to my many emails; I suggested maybe it was time to go speak to her GP but her DH wasn't interested in getting tested and kind of dismissed the idea of any "help" in the baby making department. BF was soo depressed and another 6 months went past before she went to the doctors alone, got referred to the hospital and had some tests. I don't know what the results were; she didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to push her. I made it very clear tho that I am here for her and will always support her. The trouble is; she is very pessimistic about everything and the way she speaks it's like the whole thing - having a child - is a lost cause and there's nothing to be done. I reassured her that there are always options; they just have to find the right one for them. It seems tho; that baby making has been put on hold because it's just too stressful. That was that - she didn't want to talk about it any more.
During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation and I'm vague and reply with short answers if she asks how I am. I've tried to direct the conversation away from my belly. I'm sure she thinks I can't tell how bitter she is by her face.
Today I received a txt asking how I was - it's my due day - and I replied that I was fed up and in pain. Her reply was "Be thankful that your pregnant." 😐 like I'm not?! I'm very thankful for each of my children.

What I'm sad about is the fact she would even suggest that I'm not.
Did she really expect me to put my life on hold because she hasn't had a baby yet?
My DH isn't happy about it either; saying that we can't gold off on another baby - that we waited 5 years to have because we weren't financially stable for a 3rd - just because they haven't had one yet.

AIBU to be angry and want to distance myself - at least for a little while - from friend who clearly isn't happy for me and so bitter and (sometimes) just plain mean.

I don't know what to do and miss her very much! 😔

Delboys
Wow, when are you opening your fertility clinic?

Agree with the others that Infertility is soul destroying and the number one rule for interacting with infertile friends (when you aren't) is never, ever complain. It's really hurtful and you must have other fertile people in your life you can complain to. It's easy to forget and make a little comment but when she replied with that you could have simply said, 'you're right to focus on the positives.' And then move on. You said something accidentally insensitive and she lashed out instead of swallowing her feelings like she probably usually does. You and other fertile people will have no idea how often insensitive comments are made and eventually you will not cope and snap back. You of course are not unreasonable to have another baby but need to realise that you and friend's relationship will not be the same but you can maintain it if both of you want to - however this may take some extra work.

Hark at Delboy, master of fertility issues! If only I'd known that it was my attitude that was the reason for unexplained infertility.

I can understand why your friend is upset, I've very much been there. I was even jealous of my friend that had two miscarriages (in a "I can't even get that far" stupid way) and used to sob every time a friend got pregnant. But I never ever said anything, in public I just smiled and congratulated them. Infertility can be heartbreaking, but you have to bite your tongue if other people are successful.

Honeyroar completely agree.

I think when you are blessed with fertility/ kids it is genuinely hard to put yourself into the shoes of someone who cannot. I think I'd be tempted to say you realise that she's going through hell, that you love her and cherish her friendship but you're worried that your situation is simply dragging her down. You cannot however quash your joy at being a mum again in order to spare her pain. Suggest you meet up maybe post birth without the baby or kids, just for a chat. I'd leave it at that. You've done nothing wrong OP, but equally I doubt you're the person she needs in her life right now.

Stop rising to delboys bait

@delboysskinsandblister

Have a love.

Op I do see both sides here. I feel right sorry for your friend because what’s she’s going through is soul destroying.
Maybe she can’t be friends with you right now. Maybe this will take a long time for her to process and accept. I don’t know am I giving any advice other than she’s going through a lot and it’s something only she can deal with and accept.

Actually I do think it's a great shame that your friend is prudish and reserved when it comes to talking about the mechanics of sex and getting pregnant ; clearly there could be something pretty wrong here, but I recall chats like that with trusted friends to be very helpful. Her perogative though and you have to respect that I guess.

Very difficult. I can see both sides here but if she is your friend no matter how she feels she should be happy for you and as an adult being sad is no excuse to be shitty to you. If she can't be nice you need distance between you which is sad but I guess the best solution

@MummyMayo1988

I am so sorry for your friend OP, and it must be SO hard for her.

I cannot imagine how I would have felt and coped if I was unable to conceive.

At the same time, you should not feel bad/guilty for being pregnant.

Don't pay attention to people bashing you. If your friend had come on here saying she is pissed off with her friend having 3 kids, and wishes she would piss off talking about it, coz she is struggling, SHE would have been on the receiving end of the curt comments.

I am sorry to say this, but I don't think you and this particular friend are right for each other at the moment.

I had a friend (from childhood,) who had a steady boyfriend at 14/15, and she was still with him at 20, and she constantly put him before me, and frequently let me down. I never had a (steady) boyfriend til I was 20. I was with him for 6 months when hers ended their relationship.

She was really upset, (understandably,) but then stopped contacting me, and never returned my calls or answered my letters (early 1990's, no email or texting then.) So I was there all the time for her, even when she let me down frequently in favour of her bloke, (and I didn't have one!) but she didn't want to be near me when I was with someone.

I thought she may have been a bit sore from being dumped, but then she never bothered answering ANY of my attempts to contact her. After about 6-8 months I gave up.

2 years after she stopped contact, she contacted me because she had a new fella. (we were 22 by then.)

Fastforward a year to when we were 23, and I told her me and my fella were getting married. 'What the fuck,?' she said. 'I thought I would be the one to get married first, not YOU.' And she was really annoyed. Then THAT fella finished with her a few weeks later.

I invited her to the wedding (6 months later,) but she never came, and then I never heard from her for about 3 years - despite contacting her quite a few times.

THEN she got in touch again when she had a new fella, flat, car, and job. Shortly after she contacted me again, I announced I was pregnant. Cue her fucking off again and stopping contact again.

I moved towns when my DD was born several years later, and never contacted her, and she never knew where I went. She knew where my folks lived, but they moved to a new house too, not long after we moved.

3 years later, I visited my old town, and her mother stopped me in the street, and said 'Lyn has been trying to contact you but your phone number is dead, and you don't live at No 3 anymore, and your folks have moved. RING her. Or come see her. She lives at 19 Church Street with her husband.'

Unsurprisingly, I never contacted her. Not then. Not ever.

Whether she was sore, upset, bitter, angry, jealous or whatever. She is no friend if she refused to be there when things are good for me, but not great for her. She always wanted ME there when my life was average (or below average,) and HERS was good.

Many people I know have things/have had things I would desperately like, but I don't ghost them because they have it and I don't, and then run after them to be friends again when my life improves, and then fuck off again when they get something else I would have liked.

As I said, you and this friend are not right for each other at the moment. I would give her a wide berth. As I said, I am sorry she is struggling with conceiving, but it's very unfair to take it out on you.

I can see both sides.

Infertility is very painful, emotionally draining and (luckily) something you'll never have to experience. Please be understanding of that.

On the other side, you deserve to have friends that are happy for you and delighted for your new arrival.

This is one of those situations where neither of you is inherently right or wrong, but you're both dealing with a difficult situation while still trying to be friends.

You need to decide if your friendship is worth weathering this tough patch.

You might need to be the 'better' person, as in, don't take her comments too personally and hope she can find some positivity for you; or if you feel this is too much for you, distance yourself kindly.

Best of luck!

Wow delboy, how ignorant, don't you realise that most couples ttc start out with a positive outlook, it's the years, 6 in my case that destroys any positivity. You have no idea how consuming infertility is, it was one of the darkest periods of my life and even though I have now been blessed with 2 DC, I haven't got over those 6 long years and still wonder why me. Why wasn't it me that could feel the joy of a normal pregnancy and not have to suffer the indignity of years of fertility investigations. I had one friendship that turned sour, that 'friend' had a similar attitude to you.

She probably feels like she is doing really well, because she is managing to talk to you without dissolving into a puddle of tears. It's agony.
Maybe you do need to give each other some distance for a while, since she is struggling so badly and you don't seem able to understand how much it must take for her to see you.

newnameforthis7 I'm sorry this happened to you, but this really is not the same situation at all. Struggling with infertility and then having your good friend say stuff like 'have you tried an ovulation kit?' like you are a fucking idiot child who must just not be having sex at the right time or saying stuff like 'oh there's loads of options', which isn't always true, is really bloody hard work.

The difficulty here is that the op genuinely means we'll, but has no experience of this. The friend is probably really happy for the op, but at the same time it is a reflection of her own misfortune. It really isn't someone just being jelous because their mate is getting married and wanting to upstage her🤦‍♀️

My question to those who have bashed the OP.

This friend had asked her how she was via text and the OP responded honestly but without waffling on about her pregnancy.

What should the OP have said in this case?

Sorry I guess it is different and I did go off on a tangent!

I was just trying to illustrate how our best friends sometimes are not always good for us, and it can be better to cut loose and split for a while.

My friend was useless though really!

I feel for anyone TTC.

As I said, the OP needs to give this friend a wide berth for a while (for both their sakes.......) IMO.

Sorry but I think you are intentionally BU.

I have struggled ttc for health reasons. I also don't talk to my friends about it openly and one by one they have had pregnancies and now wonderful children. Each of them have (very unintentionally) made very hurtful comments over the years. Complaining about pregnancy symptoms, complaining when ttc number 2 takes more than 6 months but by far the worst were the friends who handed me out advice or encouraged me to seek help and stay positive. It isn't meant this way but sounds incredibly condescending.

I know you mean well but you just cannot imagine the pain your friend is going through with her struggle so I would forgive the comment.

I managed to smile and get through all my friends pregnancies but inside I died a little each time another announcement was made.

@MummyMayo1988 - hark at all the people here saying that YABU!! I disagree. YANBU!!!

It's not your fault that your friend is having fertility issues. Is everybody else supposed to not get pregnant or have good things happen for them because she is having those issues? Were you really not supposed to have any more children because she can't?? That's absolute BS. Any sort of friend would put her feelings aside and be happy for you @MummyMayo1988 . You've done nothing wrong, and if I were you, I'd see her behaviour as the writing on the wall of your friendship and be done with it. You shouldn't have to pussyfoot around her because she hasn't got the sense to try everything she can in order to conceive. Your conception isn't stopping hers and she has no right to be off with you.

Seems like the people on this thread who are saying that YABU are probably in similar situations to your friend and expect nobody else should be able to have children until they do. It's nonsense. Enjoy your new addition to your family OP. I wish you the best of luck.

And by the way, I had fertility issues myself but never begrudged anyone else getting pregnant or having children, because that would be ridiculous.

OP - it's best to distance yourself from her. You have tried and it's up to her to at least try and be happy for your pregnancy. She knows you have made the effort to help her with your suggestions. At least as a friend you have been there for her but rather than accept that she is just not able to, has chosen to be negative. You've done all you can. You can't fix her problem. Focus on your happy family.