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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with friend...

131 replies

MummyMayo1988 · 30/01/2019 18:40

Quick back story:

Best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. Love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. To top off a perfect friendship; she loves my 2 crazy kids (9 and 5)

Anyhow; 2 years ago BF and her DH announced they were trying for a baby. We were over the moon for them. At the time she made a comment that I thought was strange; "You can't have any more kids till I've had one." Took it in jest and didn't think much of it.
18 months goes by and no pregnancy announcement so I ask if everything is ok with them. Reply was vague but as I understood it; they had been trying all this time with no success. I must mention that BF is quite prude about sex as is her DH. They don't talk about it at all. I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day??
In the meantime; DH and I had made the decision to try for baby number 3. I was pregnant within 5 months of trying and couldn't wait to tell best friend our news.
She was gutted. I could tell. She didn't speak to me for weeks and I was soo sad about it to the point I regretted getting pregnant.
When she finally replied to my many emails; I suggested maybe it was time to go speak to her GP but her DH wasn't interested in getting tested and kind of dismissed the idea of any "help" in the baby making department. BF was soo depressed and another 6 months went past before she went to the doctors alone, got referred to the hospital and had some tests. I don't know what the results were; she didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to push her. I made it very clear tho that I am here for her and will always support her. The trouble is; she is very pessimistic about everything and the way she speaks it's like the whole thing - having a child - is a lost cause and there's nothing to be done. I reassured her that there are always options; they just have to find the right one for them. It seems tho; that baby making has been put on hold because it's just too stressful. That was that - she didn't want to talk about it any more.
During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation and I'm vague and reply with short answers if she asks how I am. I've tried to direct the conversation away from my belly. I'm sure she thinks I can't tell how bitter she is by her face.
Today I received a txt asking how I was - it's my due day - and I replied that I was fed up and in pain. Her reply was "Be thankful that your pregnant." 😐 like I'm not?! I'm very thankful for each of my children.

What I'm sad about is the fact she would even suggest that I'm not.
Did she really expect me to put my life on hold because she hasn't had a baby yet?
My DH isn't happy about it either; saying that we can't gold off on another baby - that we waited 5 years to have because we weren't financially stable for a 3rd - just because they haven't had one yet.

AIBU to be angry and want to distance myself - at least for a little while - from friend who clearly isn't happy for me and so bitter and (sometimes) just plain mean.

I don't know what to do and miss her very much! 😔

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/01/2019 09:03

You have not been insensitive to her situation in the way you describe your interactions.

Giving out advice to someone who is struggling is the height of insensitivity.

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2019 09:11

What I'm sad about is the fact she would even suggest that I'm not

She didn’t. She gave the same sort sort of response your great aunty Norma would have given in the circumstances.

You’re the one who seems a bit intolerant and hypersensitive, perhaps not surprisingly given your highly pregnant state.

daftgeranium · 31/01/2019 09:13

OP you are being utterly unreasonable and a bad friend. This isn't all about you. Your friend is going through a really bad time. If I were her, I would look for other friends.

BlueSuffragette · 31/01/2019 09:14

Those who have never experienced infertility have no idea what it really feels like. Be VERY sensitive and give your friend time and space as she battles with her emotions.

Mmmhmmm · 31/01/2019 09:23

Your friend isn't a prude just because she doesn't want to discuss her sex life with you. It's none of your business.

You have little empathy.

You gave unsolicited advice to someone struggling to conceive when you yourself have never had trouble conceiving.

You whined about your pregnancy directly to someone who possibly can't conceive at all.

You wonder why she's bitter and pessimistic??? REALLY???

Boxerbinky · 31/01/2019 09:26

Erm.. She didn’t. She gave the same sort sort of response your great aunty Norma would have given in the circumstances.

I went two weeks over - when asked how I was feeling - which was very uncomfortable and in pain down below. Not one person 'kindly reminded me' that I should be glad I'm pregnant Hmm

In fact all my 'auntie Norma's' told me not to worry, it's hard at the end and soon my baby would be here and I would forget all the discomfort! Or words to that effect..

It was an insensitive response from her - but you already know she is not going to be able to remove her own situation right now. Yes cut her some slack - but please ignore all these idiots telling you that you have no empathy. They clearly haven't actually read your post. They are cherry picking the parts of your answer and making you sound terrible. You are not!

Give it time - hopefully your friend will also become pregnant now she is getting help and you can all move forward x

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/01/2019 09:29

She gave the same sort sort of response your great aunty Norma would have given in the circumstances.

I would consider someone who is considered to be my best friend to be more sensitive than my great Aunt Norma!

but please ignore all these idiots telling you that you have no empathy.

People who don't agree with you are not idiots!

OnTheHop · 31/01/2019 09:31

“I was pregnant within 5 months of trying and couldn't wait to tell best friend our news. “

Ouch. Major sensitivity bypass.

She was reaching out supportively on your due date, or doing her best to.

It’s great that you are pg and excited about your new baby but whatever the circumstances, it isn’t all about you.

The right reply to that text is “I know. Ongoing love to you”, not a huffy fit.

Boxerbinky · 31/01/2019 09:33

Those cherry picking and misquoting the op to support their own agenda are idiots. Those offering the perspective of how her friend may be feeling and telling the op to cut her slack are not!

OnTheHop · 31/01/2019 09:33

(And I have not experienced infertility. Quite the opposite)

ShatnersWig · 31/01/2019 09:33

@Boxer No, I read the OP. Empathy would mean the OP would be a bit upset at her best friend's text but understand where it came from because of how difficult it will have been for her best friend who wants nothing else than to have children. She wouldn't be "angry" about it and come on here bitching about her best friend who has clearly been struggling while the OP has failed to grasp that it it's pretty damned insensitive to keep making suggestions to her.

TadaTralala · 31/01/2019 09:48

she's not in a good place.
Me and my SIL were pregnant at the same time (first for me, 2nd for her). We were 5 wks apart. She miscarried when I was about 16wks. When she asked how I was doing (around 20wks) I told her i was really anxious (I suffered from fibroids, PCOS and had all kinds of tests) - her reply was "I can't feel sympathetic as you're still pregnant and I'm not'. We didn't speak until my DD was 1 week old. My BIL phoned us to say she was 12 weeks pregnant literally when I was in labour. 3 year later I MC my 2nd baby. We now are on really good terms, we understood it was hard at the time, but put it behind us. Long story, but it's totally understandable to feel how your BF feels, and how you feel.

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2019 09:49

Those cherry picking and misquoting the op to support their own agenda are idiots. Those offering the perspective of how her friend may be feeling and telling the op to cut her slack are not!

I would suggest the idiot was the person who managed to quote my post without giving any indication that they were in fact quoting another poster and ended up making it look like what was posted was their own words.

Boxerbinky · 31/01/2019 09:51

During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation and I'm vague and reply with short answers if she asks how I am. I've tried to direct the conversation away from my belly. I'm sure she thinks I can't tell how bitter she is by her face.
Today I received a txt asking how I was - it's my due day - and I replied that I was fed up and in pain. Her reply was "Be thankful that your pregnant." 😐 like I'm not?! I'm very thankful for each of my children.

The op may have made a few mid-steps when trying to help her bf by offering advice. Which sound like they are meant from a kind place if a bit misguided. But let's be honest it's a mine field, your damned if you do and damned if you don't - just responding honestly to a question about how she is feeling apparently makes her insensitive. Ridiculous!

Friendship is a two way street. Her bf needs to also consider that her pregnant best friend may occasionally have needs, she may also feel shit, or maybe has struggled as many of us do during pregnancy. But by being empathetic to her friends needs the op has avoided the focus on herself.

Her bfs response was not appropriate, the op is entitled to be angry with her. Though as many have pointed out, she's not able to be reasonable about your pregnancy because she is envious of it. Op is not a saint - maybe she should be able to rise above it all - but she is pregnant fed up and in pain , but apparently ONLY her friend is allowed to feel things Hmm

Boxerbinky · 31/01/2019 09:56

Actually @Butchyrestingface I'm on my phone and though I have highlighted the quote it is not showing this when posting. Please feel free to comment on grammar next as you are clearly so superior. It's the small victories hey love.. or perhaps some of us are actually trying to offer genuine advice and not jump on everyone's flaws like some idiots choose to do!

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2019 10:19

Actually @Butchyrestingface* I'm on my phone and though I have highlighted the quote it is not showing this when posting.

I’m on my phone too. And there is no indication that you have even tried to highlight any of the texts on the posts you are quoting from, which usually happens when a * goes astray.

Perhaps consider using “” marks in the meantime as it makes your posts a bit confusing to read.

Please feel free to comment on grammar next as you are clearly so superior.

No need. You’re the one throwing your weight around calling other posters idiots. Would have thought that grammar pendantry was more up your street.

or perhaps some of us are actually trying to offer genuine advice and not jump on everyone's flaws like some idiots choose to do!

See above.

Boxerbinky · 31/01/2019 10:35

Would a non-idiot try to prove that they were better on their phone? hmmm probably not love.. sorry you are so easily confused.. But ok @Butchyrestingface enjoy the rest of your day I'll be spending exactly no more time thinking about you or your vitriol! Especially as you are clearly only interested in starting arguments. My personality flaws and errors and apparent inability to use my phone to your liking - off point much 🤣 is no longer your concern.

Mmmhmmm · 31/01/2019 11:25

I have a feeling the OP has flounced because we all didn't express sympathy to her. Bit ironic that.

hatethinkingofusernames · 31/01/2019 11:39

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all OP!!!! You can't not have a child because your friend can't have one

Looking4wards · 31/01/2019 11:42

OP's text re. the due date isn't even the issue. Their friendship took a hit long before the text IMO.

You can't have any more kids till I've had one OP's friend was BVVU

I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day?? OP was BU - how much depends on the context and tone.

During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation. OP has tried to be sensitive.

Overall, YANBU to cool off. If you friend's hurt means she's taking it out on you then you have every right to protect yourself and cool off for as long as needed. TBH there's nothing you can do really... you can't magic up a baby for her so she needs time to decide what to do herself.

VWpurse · 31/01/2019 11:47

Haven’t read the thread yet but you “couldn’t wait” to tell your maybe infertile friend that you were on your third pregnancy Hmm.

delboysskinsandblister · 31/01/2019 12:17

@MummyMayo1988 - you have done nothing wrong. She's projecting onto you.

NoParticularPattern · 31/01/2019 12:29

I can see both sides of this, but actually I feel for her a little more than I do for you. I will preface this by saying that just because they are struggling TTC or perhaps have suffered miscarriages etc etc, it doesn’t give her a free pass to treat someone badly. Equally though, just because you’re fortunate enough to have three children which, by the sounds of it, you didn’t struggle to conceive at all, it does not give you a free pass to ignore how she might be feeling about the situation.

I dare say that she was half joking when she said “you can’t get pregnant until I have a baby” because let’s face it, none of us start this journey thinking that we will be one of the unlucky ones who have trouble or who it simply takes a long time for. You’ve obviously not been in the same situation or you would likely understand that it does horrible things to your head. Yes we all know that you getting pregnant isn’t stopping her doing so and it’s not harming her chances and so does she, but it doesn’t mean she has no right to be upset that you’ve had an easier time of it than they have. I think you’ve probably been (unintentionally I hope) slightly insensitive to how she’s feeling because you just don’t get how horrible it is to feel surrounded by pregnant people and babies when you can’t get pregnant or can’t stay pregnant. It’s not rational (and if you don’t think she knows that then you’re very naive) but that’s just how it is. You’re supposed to be her best friend. I’d imagine that out of everyone who she speaks to or sees that she would be expecting that you’d get how hard it is for her and that you’d understand that moaning about pregnancy or continually harassing her about her fertility when you’re not in the same situation would be hurtful and that you wouldn’t do it. She doesn’t get a free pass to be a dick about it, but moaning about how pregnant and fed up you are to someone who can’t get pregnant and is seriously struggling with that is definitely a dick move on your part. I think you could be handling it better- you’re not the only pregnant woman on the planet, but you are the one she’s most close to who knows exactly why her situation is crap.

Kokeshi123 · 31/01/2019 12:35

I'm a bit confused by the endless posts referring to "infertility"--said friend started TTC two years ago, according to the OP. It's likely that she can have children, it's just taking a little longer than average.

SerenDippitty · 31/01/2019 12:40

I'm a bit confused by the endless posts referring to "infertility"--said friend started TTC two years ago, according to the OP. It's likely that she can have children, it's just taking a little longer than average.

The medical definition of infertility is a year of regular sex without conception. If she has been trying for 2 years it is pretty likely there is an issue.