To be angry with friend...

[MummyMayo1988]

Quick back story:

Best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. Love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. To top off a perfect friendship; she loves my 2 crazy kids (9 and 5)

Anyhow; 2 years ago BF and her DH announced they were trying for a baby. We were over the moon for them. At the time she made a comment that I thought was strange; "You can't have any more kids till I've had one." Took it in jest and didn't think much of it.
18 months goes by and no pregnancy announcement so I ask if everything is ok with them. Reply was vague but as I understood it; they had been trying all this time with no success. I must mention that BF is quite prude about sex as is her DH. They don't talk about it at all. I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day??
In the meantime; DH and I had made the decision to try for baby number 3. I was pregnant within 5 months of trying and couldn't wait to tell best friend our news.
She was gutted. I could tell. She didn't speak to me for weeks and I was soo sad about it to the point I regretted getting pregnant.
When she finally replied to my many emails; I suggested maybe it was time to go speak to her GP but her DH wasn't interested in getting tested and kind of dismissed the idea of any "help" in the baby making department. BF was soo depressed and another 6 months went past before she went to the doctors alone, got referred to the hospital and had some tests. I don't know what the results were; she didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to push her. I made it very clear tho that I am here for her and will always support her. The trouble is; she is very pessimistic about everything and the way she speaks it's like the whole thing - having a child - is a lost cause and there's nothing to be done. I reassured her that there are always options; they just have to find the right one for them. It seems tho; that baby making has been put on hold because it's just too stressful. That was that - she didn't want to talk about it any more.
During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation and I'm vague and reply with short answers if she asks how I am. I've tried to direct the conversation away from my belly. I'm sure she thinks I can't tell how bitter she is by her face.
Today I received a txt asking how I was - it's my due day - and I replied that I was fed up and in pain. Her reply was "Be thankful that your pregnant." 😐 like I'm not?! I'm very thankful for each of my children.

What I'm sad about is the fact she would even suggest that I'm not.
Did she really expect me to put my life on hold because she hasn't had a baby yet?
My DH isn't happy about it either; saying that we can't gold off on another baby - that we waited 5 years to have because we weren't financially stable for a 3rd - just because they haven't had one yet.

AIBU to be angry and want to distance myself - at least for a little while - from friend who clearly isn't happy for me and so bitter and (sometimes) just plain mean.

I don't know what to do and miss her very much! 😔

You told your best friend who is struggling to conceive that you were fed up of being pregnant?

Bloody hell.

I’ve been in this exact situation. I was the infertile one. 2 ectopics, a miscarriage and failed IVF attempts. I can’t describe the sadness and hopelessness.

My friend, like you, tried to be understanding, but it was clear with everything she said, that she didn’t get it. Of course I was happy for her, but that didn’t stop everything feeling like salt in the wounds.

I remember her sending a thank you card for the gifts I bought her after her second was born. It was a lovely photo of her 2 children.... I cried and cried after opening it, then threw it in the bin. I just couldn’t bear to look at it.

I also remember the rising panic when I could feel the conversation coming round to ‘my problems’ I just didn’t want to talk to her about it, because, as hard as she tried she didn’t understand and unknowing put her foot in it constantly.

As others have said it’s not about you, I’m sure she’s happy for you, it just hurts. Give her some space.

Although some of your suggestions were patronising I think she's unreasonable for asking how you're feeling when she clearly didn't actually want to know. You're about to give birth but expected to be concerned about her feelings when she has contacted you to see how you are? What answer did she expect?

In an ideal world your friend would be able to separate her emotions of not being able to get pregnant from you being pregnant and just be happy for you. But it is not a perfect world, she wants a baby and can't get one and that must be so painful for her. I would not take anything she says personally and continue to support her. Her comment was probably not well through, but to be honest so was your response. She probably wants to be fed up and in pain and close to having a baby, and to hear you complaining about it in any way is probably really hurtful as you are very aware of her situation.

You “couldn’t wait” to tell your best friend you were pregnant when you knew she had been unsuccessfully trying for months? It sounds like you seriously lack empathy...

^^ this

Please don’t be angry with her. Have a heart and try to understand her. Infertility can do seriously bad things to your mental health and change a previously reasonable person into a monster. I know, I’ve been there. If you haven’t you can’t know what it’s like. But you can try.

I understand where you are coming from OP but you need to take a step back and look what is happening to her friend.

Not only has shr been unable to have the baby she has wanted for so long, but clearly her relationship with her DH is suffering too.

She sounds so very alone and pushed in a corner. Thats why she is pessimistic. Her DH wont get tested which means she cannot do fuck all about it. The more i think of it, the more my heart breaks for her.

I dont know if you offering an olive branch will help, but try. She clearly has no help and support, her DH sounds like hes emotionally awol and she cant exactly turn to you to 'let it all out' because in her eyes you wont understand...you're having your 3rd.

Put yourself in her shoes. What would want to be said to you in such a dark time?

Also, please stop saying she looks bitter or is bitter.
Shes not. She's crushed. You need to have more empathy.

You can’t live your life to please other people, you’re entitled to be fed up waiting for your due date. Being infertile doesn’t give her any right to be outwardly nasty to you, nor should you feel like you should hide your pregnancy.

Mumsnet is losing business clearly.

Eh?

You told your best friend who is struggling to conceive that you were fed up of being pregnant?

So the best example you can give of her bitterness and meanness is that she said 'be thankful you're pregnant?'. Whilst not supportive, it's not mean, is it?

The fact that you culdn't wait to say you were pregnant to someone ttc for the past 2 years shows you not always show her empathy.

Amd the comment about her bitter face sounds mean.

YABU. Your friend is hurting so badly and everytime she sees your pregnant belly and your children it will feel like a knife in her heart. And you asking her about her fertility problems... I know you are trying to be helpful but it wouldn't have come across that way all. If I was her I wouldn't have told you anything either, it would just feel like you were rubbing it. A lot of what you've said here sounds like you're rubbing it in.

I'd just leave her alone for a while. You can't expect her to want to spend anytime with your new baby, that would just be cruel.

Neither of you is unreasonable

It’s totally valid to be fed up with being huge and pregnant at the end - I know I was
Also it’s totally valid to be hurting because you can’t get pregnant

I have some sympathy with you op. My sister had a miscarriage on the day I gave birth
The best thing is to step back from her for a while Don’t offer any suggestions about conception and
Just be led by her as and when the conversation comes up

I had gynae issues and believed I would never have the children I so wanted (I do have DC now thankfully). My closest friend got pregnant and although I was tinged with sadness, I was happy for her. I don't think it's fair to project your hurt onto someone else but also you do need to be mindful that she's hurting.

Even though she is struggling, I don't think it's fair to be horrible to you, you can't put your life on hold.

I also think you are rhe mean one here, with your husband not far behind you. She was clearly not suggesting you weren't thankful, all I can think is it's your pregnancy that's making you behave like this, no clue what your husbands excuse is,

I mean seriously. Have a little bloody empathy.

She sounds like a bit of an idiot. She can't project her own feelings by blaming friends. It's not your fault. And why should you not have a baby because she says so...she doesn't own you. She needs to deal with her own issues and if she was a good friend she should be happy for you. I'm not down playing what having infertility problems are like at all but she seems a bit selfish to expect the world to stop reproducing because she can't.

Infertility can make people lash out in awful ways. I know from experiences infertility really tested my mental health.

It's so hard to watch someone go through a pregnancy when you are struggling to do something that should be biologically no issue at all. Chances are she may even be going through some stuff she hasn't even told you about like fertility tests, treatments or even miscarriages.
You may have just caught her on a bad day and she lashed out. I also bet she feels awful too.

I agree with Aridane. I think you are the insensitive one OP. You are very judgemental. Calling her and her DH prudish about sex. Seriously? You think that is a reason she may not be pregnant. 'I mentioned ovulation kits, and having sex on the right days'. Are you honestly suggesting she and her DH could not have discovered this information by themselves. You were unbelievably patronising and unless, medically trained or having experienced it - you are not in a position to advise about infertility. How about, if you need me to help look up places, or come with you to any appointments - I will be there for you.

Getting a referral appointment for a fertility clinic meams being tested twice for blood test at certain times of the month and can take months. So the six months is entirely feasible, it was unfair of you to judge her for 'wasted' time on that one.

You and your DH seem very hung up on a jokey throwaway comment made OVER 5 YEARS AGO. Of course she didn't mean for you not to have any more children. You talk about the 'bitterness on her face'. She has not said she is bitter, that is your projection. My guess is that she is sad, she wishes it was her turn. It's really not coming across that you like her very much.

After all that she did text you near your due date, she is still thinking of you. I think this is the only grey area of your thread a plus and minus on both sides. Text is so impersonal - had that conversation taken place in real life or on the phone it would have been padded out or absorbed. But maybe she is not their personal to take pregnancy moans to.

I'm so grateful to my friends when I was going through infertility. When a couple of them got pregnant, they would nreak the news early on and in private. They didn't have to do that but they knew I was hurting. I think you haven't really displayed emotional intelligence here OP.

Honestly give her some slack. I suffered infertility for years and years and I was always happy for family and friends when they got pregnant. However I struggled with my Sil and she moaned and Moaned throughout two pregnancies, there was nothing much wrong she is just one of life's complainers, I found that very tough to hear.

if she was a good friend she should be happy for you.

If the OP was such a good friend she wouldn't be so insensitive and give out unsolicited, unwanted advice. She would have also taken the hint that she didn't want to talk about it.

Distinct lack of empathy going on here and mostly from the OP in my opinion.

I'm sorry but I don't understand people telling you that you need to be more understanding, or that you are a bad friend. Your fertility is a separate issue from her infertility. It's not cause and effect!

You have not been insensitive to her situation in the way you describe your interactions. Why should anyone expect you to not be jubilant that you are pregnant when it is something you clearly planned for. The number of dc's you have is irrelevant - You should not be expected to put your life plans on hold (or feel guilty about them) because she cannot conceive, even though it is sad that she can't.

Her resentment is what is unreasonable - it is understandable because she is struggling and unhappy, but as your friend it is unreasonable that she is making you feel so bad because you haven't also struggled to conceive.

You just need to keep being the lovely friend I think it is clear you have always been, it is obvious that you are worried about her and it is soul destroying when trying to conceive and nothing is happening (I've been there) but I didn't resent my bf or sisters for having their families more easily than it was for me.

Sorry op but you completely lack empathy and tact. Saying you could t wait to share the news with her of your third baby despite knowing she was trying desperately for her first - I mean really??

Also moaning about being fed up probably pissed her off, even though let's face it most of us do feel like that at the end! But you probably should have considered your answer more.

I don't think she should be arsey with you, infertility isn't an excuse to be a dick. However you aren't really dealing with it in the best way. Also - stop prying into their issues and coming up with suggestions - it's probably extremely patronising and annoying.