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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with friend...

131 replies

MummyMayo1988 · 30/01/2019 18:40

Quick back story:

Best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. Love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. To top off a perfect friendship; she loves my 2 crazy kids (9 and 5)

Anyhow; 2 years ago BF and her DH announced they were trying for a baby. We were over the moon for them. At the time she made a comment that I thought was strange; "You can't have any more kids till I've had one." Took it in jest and didn't think much of it.
18 months goes by and no pregnancy announcement so I ask if everything is ok with them. Reply was vague but as I understood it; they had been trying all this time with no success. I must mention that BF is quite prude about sex as is her DH. They don't talk about it at all. I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day??
In the meantime; DH and I had made the decision to try for baby number 3. I was pregnant within 5 months of trying and couldn't wait to tell best friend our news.
She was gutted. I could tell. She didn't speak to me for weeks and I was soo sad about it to the point I regretted getting pregnant.
When she finally replied to my many emails; I suggested maybe it was time to go speak to her GP but her DH wasn't interested in getting tested and kind of dismissed the idea of any "help" in the baby making department. BF was soo depressed and another 6 months went past before she went to the doctors alone, got referred to the hospital and had some tests. I don't know what the results were; she didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to push her. I made it very clear tho that I am here for her and will always support her. The trouble is; she is very pessimistic about everything and the way she speaks it's like the whole thing - having a child - is a lost cause and there's nothing to be done. I reassured her that there are always options; they just have to find the right one for them. It seems tho; that baby making has been put on hold because it's just too stressful. That was that - she didn't want to talk about it any more.
During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation and I'm vague and reply with short answers if she asks how I am. I've tried to direct the conversation away from my belly. I'm sure she thinks I can't tell how bitter she is by her face.
Today I received a txt asking how I was - it's my due day - and I replied that I was fed up and in pain. Her reply was "Be thankful that your pregnant." 😐 like I'm not?! I'm very thankful for each of my children.

What I'm sad about is the fact she would even suggest that I'm not.
Did she really expect me to put my life on hold because she hasn't had a baby yet?
My DH isn't happy about it either; saying that we can't gold off on another baby - that we waited 5 years to have because we weren't financially stable for a 3rd - just because they haven't had one yet.

AIBU to be angry and want to distance myself - at least for a little while - from friend who clearly isn't happy for me and so bitter and (sometimes) just plain mean.

I don't know what to do and miss her very much! 😔

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 30/01/2019 20:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Butteredghost · 30/01/2019 20:40

This friend had asked her how she was via text and the OP responded honestly but without waffling on about her pregnancy.*

What should the OP have said in this case?

Exactly. Imagine if OP responded "I'm great, I'm sooooo happy and grateful right now, being pregnant is the best". That would have been way more upsetting for the friend.

I'm not sure what you can do here OP. I really feel for your friend as infertility is heartbreaking. But she couldn't seriously think you would not have a much wanted child, because she isn't pregnant yet.

explodingkitten · 30/01/2019 20:52

You both miss empathy. She shouldn't expect you to hold of ttc and could have showed some sympathy for your emotions. That is what friends should try to do.

You shouldn't push her for intimate information. I cut people off for that, do you tell people when and how you had sex and give them the chance to give input about it? Sounds ridiculous, right? So don't ask it of her. Giving tips on how to get pregnant and ovulation kits is really, really arrogant. Just because you are fertile doesn't mean that you know anything about getting pregnant when something is wrong. 50% of the couples who start ivf end up childless. Read that last sentence again. It's not that simple to get pregnant.

I do understand your friend. I'm 11 weeks pregnant after 5+ years of fertility treatments and losses. The pain of being infertile was worse than seeing my mother slowly die a horrible death. It was worse than surviving a family members murder spree. It is the worst pain. Like I said I'm pregnant now. I literally told a friend today that I am so nauseous and so incredibly happy and thankful for it, because it means that I'm still pregnant. I don't care what happens to my body anymore. I gave my body up long ago with all the invasive tests and treatments. So I do understand why your friend thinks you should be thankful. I also understand why you aren't, your frame of referance regarding suffering is much lower. So your emotions are just as valid for you.

I hope that you will have a healthy child. Maybe staying in low contact for a while can be a good thing for you two. You both could do with a break from unintentionally hurting each other. You both just want the best for the other one but neither of you are in the right frame of mind to deal with the other one.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 30/01/2019 20:53

Personally, I would always show excitement for a friends pregnancy and baby, but if they kept giving me unsolicited advice, I would start getting quite pissed off. She has made it obvious to you that she doesn't want to talk about it with you but you keep pushing, why?

wildbhoysmama · 30/01/2019 21:05

Like other PP, I understand the pain of ttc. my sister had 10 years of it, losing 4 babies before finally having her DD. My lovely SIL had 10 years of infertility before having her 2 DC. I get the deep pain of if. But, my other sister and I got pregnant literally just looking at man ( it took me 3 weeks, 2 weeks and 6 weeks respectively to conceive with all 3 of mine). Neither my DSis or DSIL ever resented the other pregnancies: we cried and hugged it out. They knew it wasn't my/ other DSis fault that we got pregnant, they adored their nieces and nephews and we talked all the time about their treatment and struggles.

Why should I have felt guilty and why should you feel guilty? It's not your fault.

I had a woman at work who openly ignored me the entire time I was pregnant with my first, as if I had no right since she was having issues ttc. She made me feel so low and took my joy away at work as I couldn't share my excitement.

She is being very short sighted.

wildbhoysmama · 30/01/2019 21:07

Your friend, I mean, is being v short sighted.

Devon1987 · 30/01/2019 21:10

I would do as others advise and give her a wide birth. I had something similar when I was pregnant. A work friend had fertility issues and made me feel guilty about being pregnant. I felt that if other work friends asked questions I should change the subject to spare her feelings. It sucked the joy out a bit.
It must be awful to be in her shoes but treating you badly won't get her pregnant.

Aridane · 30/01/2019 21:29

I disagree with other posters and think you have been insensitive and are not a great friend. I think she needs to step away from you

wildbhoysmama · 30/01/2019 21:31

Not insensitive at all, ignore those pps, it's not your fault you're pregnant with a much wanted baby.

Ddssdd · 30/01/2019 21:34

I'm with you on this, OP. It's not your fault she can't get pregnant.

I can't imagine how soul-destroying it is for her but neither can I imagine making someone feel shit for having a child. And why should your friendship have to hang in the balance because she can't conceive.

It's a shit situation for your friend, but her behaviour is shitty towards her so-called best friend.

I hope the birth and everything go okay, op. Just distance yourself from her and don't feel guilty for something that isn't your fault.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/01/2019 21:37

YABU and you have been insensitive. Talking about ovulation kits etc.

You were giving unsolicited, hurtful advice.

I had a friend that did similar and wouldn't tske hints that I didn't want to talk about it. I had to step away from the friendship for my own MH.

Aridane · 30/01/2019 21:39

The opening post reminds me of those threads where slim person persists in giving overweight friend unsolicited diet tips

Aridane · 30/01/2019 21:40

Agree, piglet

Igotthemheavyboobs · 30/01/2019 21:40

Not insensitive at all, ignore those pps, it's not your fault you're pregnant with a much wanted baby

Because that is what people have been saying!

Ffs, it's not about not being pregnant in front of infertile women that is the issue! It is the constant unwanted advice (full head tilt, 'have you been to a doctor?' 'do you know what an ovulation kit is?')

Ops friend probably would have been a lot more involved if she didn't think every conversation was going to include "so, how are you getting on with the baby making? Any news? Maybe you need to relax and it will happen, that is what worked for my friends-sisters-aunts-twice removed-cousins-boss!"

Claudia1980 · 30/01/2019 21:41

I can see both sides. We struggled to get pregnant and it was really hard when everyone around me was popping out babies. Of course I was really happy for them but also sad for me. I remember one day saying to my husband that I wasn’t going to another bloody baby shower unless it was mine. Thankfully the next baby shower was mine! But it was a very dark time in my life so I kind of get your friend being negative and sad.

SerenDippitty · 30/01/2019 21:41

I could not get pregnant. I never intended to make anyone feel like shit for being pregnant, but honestly some of you have no idea how hard it can be to plaster a smile on your face and say all the right things for other people who are in the situation you so desperately wanted to be in yourself, when inwardly you’re in such pain you can’t think straight.

Aridane · 30/01/2019 21:45

Exactly, Igot!

Pernickity1 · 30/01/2019 21:48

You “couldn’t wait” to tell your best friend you were pregnant when you knew she had been unsuccessfully trying for months? It sounds like you seriously lack empathy...

Fairyliz · 30/01/2019 21:54

For those of you asking what the op should have replied to the text how about something like 'still waiting' or 'wish baby would hurry up' or 'nothing happening yet'.

I.e not complaining about something the friend is desperate to experience.

PastaSauceHoarder · 30/01/2019 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PastaSauceHoarder · 30/01/2019 22:00

Oh fuck, completely different thread, sorry.

WhatwouldCJdo · 30/01/2019 22:04

Perhaps your friend was having a really bad day? She might be kicking herself about responding like that. But maybe there's been bad news from the doctors/hospital etc for her.

You were honest on how you felt in your text and she was honest back. But sounds like she is really struggling.

Perhaps send her love in a text and leave it to her if she wishes to respond.

Lostmychristmasspirit · 30/01/2019 22:26

@fairyliz but then that sort of text may elicit that sort of response from the friend.

I’m not on anyone’s side on this but I do think with regard to the text the OP was in a lose lose situation.

As far as the ovulation kit thing, the way I read it was the friend at the time wasn’t really discussing it in detail and the OP may not have been made clear just how much they were struggling at the time? I don’t think the OP was deliberately trying to be insensitive advising this, I just don’t think she realised the situation and was wanting to be supportive.

I feel so sorry for both of them here. My best friend has been struggling for a decade to have a second child and what she has gone through is heartbreaking. Sometimes it difficult to know what is best to say/not say if you have never been in that position.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 30/01/2019 22:27

For those of you asking what the op should have replied to the text how about something like 'still waiting' or 'wish baby would hurry up' or 'nothing happening yet'

I.e not complaining about something the friend is desperate to experience

^^this! 100%

FlubQueen · 30/01/2019 22:40

Nobody else apart from your friend knows how likely it is or not that she'll be able to have children. While you hope it will come right for her in the end it's not always a given that infertility is treatable or, if there is treatment, that it's affordable. Not everyone can adopt either, and even if they can that's a long and arduous process in itself.

Given the timescale of the comment about you not having another child before her I would put it down to a joke - if she'd felt confident enough at the time to announce she was ttc she's unlikely to have meant it in a bad way.

The giving her advice, that you "couldn't wait" to tell her your were pregnant and, when she texted you, you rubbed things in her face by complaining about being uncomfortable... I can see why she's avoiding you and not telling you what's happening. It also sounds like she has been trying by asking how you are but you're upset she's not being enthusiastic enough.

I'd just leave her alone to be honest, you might be able to get things on track later but I'd start by reading up on how you can actually help people going through IF, rather than doing what you think is helping but is almost certainly making things worse.