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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do people not feel anger towards the OW?

193 replies

ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:14

I'm just musing here. I was cheated on by a partner a long time ago - I was in my mid-twenties and we'd been dating 4+years and planning to get married etc. Then he asked for a "break" while he figured stuff out, and clearly already had started seeing the OW. Came back to me after the break, but kept messaging her. I finally found out and kicked him out.

I'm not still angry about any of it. I think he did me a massive favour because I was young, I could bounce back, I built up some self esteem and don't take BS from people, I had other relationships and eventually met my DH.

But back then I knew that he was the one who cheated / he was the one who treated me terribly.. but I still felt some amount of anger at the woman. I've more than once found someone who is in a committed relationship hitting on me (far away from their partner, usual BS after drinks about how partner doesn't understand them etc) and I've always just left and stayed away. Even though I was single, I didn't want to do that to another woman.

Others who've been cheated on, do you genuinely feel the OW is not at fault at all? Of course the person in the relationship is the person primarily at fault. But do you not feel anger and betrayal from also the friend or acquaintance or person who ate your food and drank your wine and then kissed your boyfriend? Or even didn't know you at all but knew you existed and didn't care?

OP posts:
Nampoo · 30/01/2019 11:15

got to be honest I want to hurt them

MoominAnna · 30/01/2019 11:16

I think people actually tend to feel more angry with the ow than with their partners. It's easier in many ways. Just browse the relationships board.

TheShiteRunner · 30/01/2019 11:16

No. I really pity her because I know what an amazing liar he is. He will have said some horrible things about me, which will be justification for the affair in her mind.

PinkHeart5914 · 30/01/2019 11:18

I think any other woman that kisses/shags a man that she knows is in a realtionship is just as bad as he is tbh.

She has chosen to fuck another woman over for what? Plenty of single men exist. Some things you don’t do in life and screw another woman over by doing things with her partner is one of them

DanglyBangly · 30/01/2019 11:20

There are so many reasons why someone ends up as an OW. There was a thread on here last week about it. So it really depends on the circumstances and how much they knew/believed.

BloodyDisgrace · 30/01/2019 11:21

I would feel angry at OW. It takes two for tango, and a noble person would just say to that shit of a husband "you are married and your wife did me no wrong, so I won't get involved in hurting her". And don't tell me people don't think like that; if they don't then they are selfish arseholes with no imagination (for they themselves would hate if someone did it to them, it takes a simple though to put yourself in someone else's shoes).

I also think a true feminist will not be a mistress, for the above reasons. I personally wouldn't want such a weight on my happiness as the knowledge that I achieved it at the expense of someone's misery.

BowBeau · 30/01/2019 11:21

How is the OW, a complete stranger who’s never even met you, responsible for your DP breaking his promises to you and cheating? She owes you nothing and YABU to blame her for his actions, choices and lies.

LadyBunker · 30/01/2019 11:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Original poster
ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:24

There are so many reasons why someone ends up as an OW. There was a thread on here last week about it. So it really depends on the circumstances and how much they knew/believed.

Sure - and many of the men are excellent liars. But I'm talking about a bog-standard experience where the OW knows the man is in a relationship, and he tells her some usual BS spiel about my girlfriend doesn't love me anymore / I'm planning to leave her soon / you are so amazing you're turning my head etc. I've seen it in action and I know it's BS. Presumably these women also know its BS. Why buy into it? There are so many single men out there. Why do this to another woman?

Anyway, they deserved each other. Twats. They had a super messy break up a few years later. Can't say I was surprised. I'm actually on civil terms with both of them and don't feel angry towards them anymore. But I definitely felt anger towards her as well.

OP posts:
adaline · 30/01/2019 11:24

I think it's much easier to be angry with/blame a stranger than to focus that anger on your husband.

Lycanthropology · 30/01/2019 11:24

Anyone who willingly enters or continues a relationship with someone who is in (or whom they later find out is in) a relationship; or who willingly breaks up a family is fair game for a bit of anger. It’s an awful thing to do to someone else, even if their partner is more to blame.

Isadora2007 · 30/01/2019 11:25

In my case I know my exH would have lied to her and said we were no longer in a relationship. He is a very good liar so I don’t (didn’t) blame her. He then moved onto his now wife in a similar way- told her that the OW who he was living with was a flat mate. By the time now-wife found out SHE had been the OW, she was engaged and he managed to convince her it was because he’d fallen SO hard for her etc. And now-wife didn’t even know he’d done the same to me until the wedding was all planned and she felt she had to go ahead and marry him. That he’d be different for her. So far he has...but I suspect it won’t last sadly. He is never going to change his spots.

So no, I don’t tend to blame the OW as I think many are being lied to and want to believe it. Or have such low self esteem they only think they’re worth someone’s sloppy seconds.

Original poster
ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:25

How is the OW, a complete stranger who’s never even met you, - Not always true though right? In my case the OW was someone who'd been to my house, eaten my food, drunk my wine, and made out with my boyfriend and slept on my bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:26

I also think a true feminist will not be a mistress, for the above reasons. I personally wouldn't want such a weight on my happiness as the knowledge that I achieved it at the expense of someone's misery.

Yeah, I feel like I'm with you there!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 30/01/2019 11:26

If it’s a friend then it’s a betrayal from that respect but I wouldn’t hold anger towards a woman who doesn’t know me. I often think though that when people are angry at the other woman or other man it’s displaced anger towards their partner. Having said that I don’t think much of women who will have affairs with other people’s partners and I hope they experience that heartbreak at some point.

Fabaunt · 30/01/2019 11:26

I’d be upset but at the end of the day she has no loyalty to you. It’s an awful thing to do to someone but. It’s him who betrays.

Lycanthropology · 30/01/2019 11:28

She owes you nothing

So it’s OK to do bad, hurtful things to people if you “owe them nothing”? What a horrible philosophy.

Original poster
ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:28

LadyBunker - I'm sorry you were put through that, but I'm also happy for you for emerging from it so much stronger! It must have felt good to just be able to to be civil to her, and enjoy your contentment!

OP posts:
O4FS · 30/01/2019 11:29

No, no anger - just pity.

badirene · 30/01/2019 11:29

Women who knowingly cheat with a married man have also insulted the partner. She didn't break the vow, but she contributed to another person's pain.

My other half cheated after 15 years together, I have enough anger to hate them both, they did not even end up together after all that hurt. So what was the point of it all? It was literally pointless, just two people without integrity or decency chasing "thrills" and I was left in the wake of this wondering what was wrong with me, why I was not enough for him to love and be faithful too.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 30/01/2019 11:30

There's a thread on here at the moment re the OW and the way it reads, all the blame is put in the OW's direction rather at the man who cheated. Perhaps it's easier to blame the OW than to accept conscious annihilation of your marriage/relationship by the person you ought to trust most in the world.

emeraldmoon · 30/01/2019 11:34

I often fantasised about hurting the ow, the affair lasted 3 years out of a 5 year relationship, she knew all about me and was happy being the 'part time second wife' (her words) and she even had his baby 7 months after I had my ds, all this was kept a secret from me until after I finally left ex due to dv, she also stated that he had never hit or abused her. Even though I have no feelings towards ex anymore I still have an awful amount of hatred towards her and her child when I think about things too much 😢

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/01/2019 11:36

It's weird, when my previous boyfriend was unfaithful, it was her eyes I wanted to gouge out, not his.

Although, looking back and in her defence, she was his ex-fiancee "returned" and may not have realised he'd moved on. Anyway, I left them to it and I know they did get married but who knows - or cares- where they're at now, it was decades ago.

thecatsthecats · 30/01/2019 11:37

If she knows a wife/partner exists - yes, to be honest, I judge.

I have less than zero interest in being involved in such a grubby and underhand situation. The idea that someone is being lied to, or that I am some dirty secret is just such a turn off.

Someone willing to get involved in such a situation is somewhere on the spectrum between stupid and skanky, regardless of other dimensions.

And if you think that opinion is judgemental, you should hear what I have to say about partners who cheat! Let alone before you get children involved...

Karigan195 · 30/01/2019 11:41

Of course they are partially at fault if they have a relationship with a married man and they know it however I reserve my anger for the one who cheated.

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