Do people not feel anger towards the OW?

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

I'm just musing here. I was cheated on by a partner a long time ago - I was in my mid-twenties and we'd been dating 4+years and planning to get married etc. Then he asked for a "break" while he figured stuff out, and clearly already had started seeing the OW. Came back to me after the break, but kept messaging her. I finally found out and kicked him out.

I'm not still angry about any of it. I think he did me a massive favour because I was young, I could bounce back, I built up some self esteem and don't take BS from people, I had other relationships and eventually met my DH.

But back then I knew that he was the one who cheated / he was the one who treated me terribly.. but I still felt some amount of anger at the woman. I've more than once found someone who is in a committed relationship hitting on me (far away from their partner, usual BS after drinks about how partner doesn't understand them etc) and I've always just left and stayed away. Even though I was single, I didn't want to do that to another woman.

Others who've been cheated on, do you genuinely feel the OW is not at fault at all? Of course the person in the relationship is the person primarily at fault. But do you not feel anger and betrayal from also the friend or acquaintance or person who ate your food and drank your wine and then kissed your boyfriend? Or even didn't know you at all but knew you existed and didn't care?

@bluntness I think that I do disagree here with you point that a solid marriage will withstand anything. A relationship can be rocked and it’s foolish to think that it can’t. It can be rocked by illness, by poverty, by interfering in laws, by other women.

My Ex was a good partner, and honestly if the OW hadn’t come along his son wouldn’t have had all the stress and upheaval and devastation that followed. That doesn’t mean that I don’t blame my ex, it was a selfish entitled act that fed his ego. It was a vulnerable time for us, and she got in that crack. I left him. However I know that if women like the OW weren’t also callously making the move on him, I would still have a happy marriage today.

THe OW? Pretty unfeeling if she knows children are involved, and pretty naive is she thinks he won't repeat the pattern with her.

Why is it only unfeeling if she knows there are children involved? A childless man is no less married than one with children.

Thing is @Bluntness, your view is based on the assumption that the man is the sexual aggressor. There are some predatory women out there. I'm no excusing men who can't say no at all but an OW who makes a determined play for a man who's in a relationship can't be held blameless.

Is it beyond the realms of possibility that not all people that cheat are terrible, amoral arseholes? Sometimes good people do bad things? Error of judgment, tequila, crazy attraction, love. It does happen.

@bluntness I think that I do disagree here with you point that a solid marriage will withstand anything

I genuinely didn't say this. Or even intimate it. I only addressed the ops question on who to be angry with. I do not believe a solid marriage will withstand anything, and I do not believe a marriage is solid if there is infidelity.

Thing is @Bluntness, your view is based on the assumption that the man is the sexual aggressor

For me it's irrelevant who the sexual aggressor is. I really don't give a shit. For me personal responsibility is a thing, and I can't imagine saying to my husband, well yes, I did fuck him, but he kept asking, and I just couldn't help myself, I just had to get naked with him and let him. I would be solely responsible for my actions as an adult with capacity to say no.

And I'd be beyond repulsed if my husband failed to take personal responsibility if the shoe was on the other foot. I'd think a lot less of him if he was bleating she was the sexual aggressor.

Error of judgment, tequila, crazy attraction, love.

imo that might apply to a one night stand. What I think is inexcusable is lying to a partner over a period of time. Someone who you know loves and trusts you. How could you betray someone like that. Not everyone could or would do that. If a one off mistake then fess up or leave the relationship, that's different.

I blame OW where they knew and made a play but in the end the cheating partner is the most to blame, they're the ones lying to their partner.

My ex's gf was the OW. Initially I was furious with both of them but now I just feel pity for her. She's stuck with a miserable alcoholic and lumbered with having to stay with her parents if my kids are visiting their Dad. She isn't maternal and no plans for kids but her life is affected by my kids. Youngest is 12 so she's got at least 6 more years of being kicked out of her home every fortnight. She knew that he had a wife and kids and she apparently resents that fact a lot.

Is it beyond the realms of possibility that not all people that cheat are terrible, amoral arseholes? Sometimes good people do bad things? Error of judgment, tequila, crazy attraction, love. It does happen.

You started well then spoiled it by falling into the conventional assumption that "cheating" is always bad.

Maybe sometimes the person they "cheated" on deserved fuck-all loyalty, so they quite justifiably felt not a shred of guilt?

It's not always practical to leave or fix a bad relationship.

Maybe sometimes the person they "cheated" on deserved fuck-all loyalty, so they quite justifiably felt not a shred of guilt?

Why would someone even be in a relationship with someone they thought that about though? cowardly in the extreme.

I do hate the OW as well as my 'DH', someone who was initially a friend but who had taken to slagging off other friends so I backed away from her and stopped going to events with 'DH' and DS, that obviously left the way clear for her and she ditched her husband and started an affair with mine (I don't know if there was an overlap between her ditching her DH and starting the affair with mine), she knew full well what she was doing and so did he.
The reason I hate her is not because of the affair as such but because of how she has treated our son especially since I found out about the affair and initiated divorce proceedings.

The OW didn't know he was in a 10 year + relationship. I don't (and didn't) have any ill feelings towards her.

I feel sorry for the pair of them.

Why would someone even be in a relationship with someone they thought that about though

Plenty of people stay in marriages with people who "deserve fuck all loyalty" .often it's financial, or because of kids, or even fear of the ability to go it alone.

I felt no anger to the ow (apart from hassling me after I found out), it was all directed at him. His marriage was to me, he was meant to be faithful to me.

If it hadn't been her, it would have probably been someone else.

I think they're both to blame (circumstances dependant), but the cheating partner more so.

About 5 or 6 years ago I had a friend who viciously went after a married man. We were all colleagues - OW was my friend, he was my work colleague and his wife worked in another department. I knew who she was but we weren't friends. They had small children and she'd either just returned to work from mat leave or was about to go off on it (I can't quite remember). My friend had a crush on this man and we all thought it was just a crush, but she got so swept up in it. She spent months building up a working relationship with this man, and then she started to push it by sending more friendly emails and then eventually when they'd become friends, flirtatious emails. Eventually they started going out for lunch and a drink or two after work. She spent a lot of her day coming over to my desk attempting to talk to me about him. In the end when his wife was away one weekend with the children, she went over and slept with him. They slept together a couple of times and he said he was going to leave his wife but he clearly wasn't and he desperately tried to maintain a platonic friendship with my friend (I suspect so she didn't tell his wife). Eventually he cut ties with her and she left the company. Part way through this saga I had to distance myself from her because I'd lost all respect for her. She wanted him from day 1 and made it her plan to "win" him. She had absolutely no concern for his family at all and whilst MN would often declare that she shouldn't be at fault, her behaviour was abhorrent. His was too. You wouldn't pick him as a man who would have an affair - quite geeky in appearance and personality, very much a straight down the line Mr nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly and doted on his family. I know that the saying "he didn't stand a chance" is a cop out and makes him sound like a victim when he is not, but really, he didn't. I know he had a choice but my friend was very very manipulative and set out to get him.

I saw his wife pop up on Facebook the other day as a mutual friend (weirdly of a friend who was totally removed from the situation and didn't even know OW). They're still together and I feel a huge amount of guilt just for knowing about it. Why? Because it's normal to feel guilt about this stuff....what is not normal is going after someone else's partner in full knowledge of the facts with no remorse.

I think that the other woman actually does owe the wronged women quite a lot....an apology for starters and perhaps a shred of empathy.

In “our” case she was an extended one night stand, knew all about me and the kids. Did not want him to leave me, nor did he. So it was all just so pointless. If they’d been in love or something I think that would have been better. I do worry I’ll bump into her in tedcos and best her to death with a frozen chicken or something

In the end when his wife was away one weekend with the children, she went over and slept with him

You lost me there, but you shoild have lost me earlier. Are you trying to make out he was helpless, he just had to let her in, get naked and let her have sex with him ? How did she know the wife was away? Because he told her that's how.

She was sending emails, being friendly, flirting, because he was doing the same back, don't kid yourself. We are all grown ups and we all have the ability to say no and put a stop to it at any stage, unless you're saying this man lacked capacity and she took advantage of a man with additional needs.

Bottom line is, just like the rest of us, if he wasn't interested he could have said no.if he had wished to remain faithful to his wife, he would have say no. The fact rhey had sex in his house when his wife was away, was because he wanted to have sex in his house when his wife was away. End of.

I really find it abhorrent when someone tries to excuse the man as some hapless chap who bears no responsibility. If he doesn't have additional needs then what occurred was for one reason and one reason alone.

He wanted it to happen.

Personally, I can't see it's ever the third party's fault. The errant partner needs to have stronger moral fibre.

I now speak to my ex's new wife. But it's taken me many years to be civil. I find it v hard to be friendly with anyone who thinks it's ok to shag, have an affair or anything else with a married person. I always say I'd never be that desperate that I'd need to do it. And I don't buy all that rubbish about things happen, we couldn't help it etc etc. People make choices. If you are unhappy in a relationship then leave. Don't hurt someone else to make yourself feel better. Can anyone tell I feel really strongly about this

Gth1234 - so if I know something is wrong and I do it anyway I still have moral fibre because I’m not breaking any rules I’m just assisting someone else to ?

Just catching up on the replies and I’m so sorry for the experiences many of you have had. I do feel like I got off easy because I was young and unmarried and bounced back in a sense fairly quickly - although it took years of therapy to get over mistrust in my relationships.

I think many posters made the really valid point that especially if you choose to stay anger at the OW is a way of resolving that cognitive dissonance. But even when you don’t I think some anger at someone who does that is justified. Not in cases where the OW doesn’t know for example, but some women really seem to thrive on the drama of sneaking around and being someone footloose and fancy free rather than a boring long term partner with worries about chores and money and kids etc.

I did feel anger towards her, wanted to rip her face off in fact.
She knew about me, she was engaged to someone else herself so a cheat too.
Now I just feel sorry for her. She's married to a man she damn well knows to be a cheat and a liar. She probably knows the lies he tells better than I do.
I told her everything, sent screenshots of messages between him and me so she would know he'd gave her the same old script.
He only left when I found out and chucked him, she'll never know if he really would have chose her.
Sometimes I wonder how she sleeps at night, or how she feels when he's late home from work or 'out with friends'. But not often..
I told her if she wants the truth she can ask me, I'll stand by that when it all goes to shit like it always does with him.
I've grateful to her too. I know I deserve better than a cheat and a liar, bloody good one he is too. She saved me from being married to him.
I'll do better, I'm doing better without him.
And really, after finding out everything I know about him, it it hadnt have been her, it would have been someone else, there might have been others, she was just the one dumb enough to fall for it.
Now I just think good luck love, you'll need it.

You just don't cheat on your partner ever,disgusting thing to do....but then to date a married man wether you know his wife or not is equally as bad.

God help my husband if he ever cheats on me but if it was with someone who knew me....she would live to regret it

Depends.

I do think that nobody strays if they're happy at home (for whatever reason, justifiable unhappiness or being an entitled POS) and if it's not one person, it'll be another.

If somebody doesn't know and only finds out after they've fallen in love, it's got to be a lot harder for them at that point. But, if they've (as I've seen in a couple of cases) seen somebody who is vulnerable due to relationship issues/depression and targets them for the intensity/excitement and ego boost of getting somebody to walk away from everything for them, losing interest rapidly once they're in a 'normal' relationship, they deserve full contempt.

I feel sorry for the poor cow who one of my exes went on to abuse and manipulate before deciding he got all he could out of her and it was time to move on to the next victim, though. I know how charming and manipulative he can be when he wants something and I don't think she stood much of a chance against the love bombing, gaslighting and coercion/control - she was much younger, had far fewer qualifications, had recently lost a parent and gained an inheritance, so was easy pickings. He definitely wasn't happy at home and I had the bruises to prove it.

I'm not angry at her, never have been - I was grateful that he had somewhere to go so I didn't have to wonder when the next explosion was coming (and didn''t have to give up my home and job to escape, only to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, as he had been quite clear that I would be dead if I left him). It was very enjoyable spending my runaway fund in the knowledge that I didn't need it anymore - and some of my spending choices in the aftermath eventually led me to meeting my OH.

I don’t think being the OW is a feminist issue any more than being another man. As someone said she owes you nothing. It has nothing to do with women’s rights- you don’t have a right not to have someone cheat. It’s not nice, but it happens.