Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Do people not feel anger towards the OW?

193 replies

ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:14

I'm just musing here. I was cheated on by a partner a long time ago - I was in my mid-twenties and we'd been dating 4+years and planning to get married etc. Then he asked for a "break" while he figured stuff out, and clearly already had started seeing the OW. Came back to me after the break, but kept messaging her. I finally found out and kicked him out.

I'm not still angry about any of it. I think he did me a massive favour because I was young, I could bounce back, I built up some self esteem and don't take BS from people, I had other relationships and eventually met my DH.

But back then I knew that he was the one who cheated / he was the one who treated me terribly.. but I still felt some amount of anger at the woman. I've more than once found someone who is in a committed relationship hitting on me (far away from their partner, usual BS after drinks about how partner doesn't understand them etc) and I've always just left and stayed away. Even though I was single, I didn't want to do that to another woman.

Others who've been cheated on, do you genuinely feel the OW is not at fault at all? Of course the person in the relationship is the person primarily at fault. But do you not feel anger and betrayal from also the friend or acquaintance or person who ate your food and drank your wine and then kissed your boyfriend? Or even didn't know you at all but knew you existed and didn't care?

OP posts:

MrsRhubarb · 30/01/2019 13:19

Actually no, I don't, and I am aware that usually makes me a minority. When DF left DM for OW, it was because their relationship had been dead for years, they were miserable, and their relationship made our house a pretty toxic place to grow up. He felt he was doing the right thing staying for the family, and there was no way she would let him walk away. In the end it was only that he met someone who could (and still does) make him happy that he left. My issues were with him. I never blamed her. She didn't know us. It was to do with my family, and my parents. Not her.

Likewise when a BF cheated on me many years ago, it just showed what a twat he was. I didn't really think about the person he cheated with. I have no idea what she knew, but it doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is what he did to me, which was to give me a lucky escape before I wasted any more time on him!

LazyLemur · 30/01/2019 13:25

A long, long, long time ago, I was seeing someone, when he decided to go back to his ex wife and not tell me. Just kept me on the side, so I was OW for a while. I found out on Christmas day, and I was horrified. Horrified for her, that she had been lied to like that, angry that I had been made a fool of, horrified for my reputation and so, so, so furious at him. I broke it off immediately and told him why. No fucking way did I want to be implicated in fucking up a relationship. I could not do that to another woman. Even if he was a shitty bastard. He treated her like that even though he was trying to win her back. He had so little respect for her and me that he thought that was fine.
I have not spoken to him since.

Anyway. They are still together. She knows who I am and still hates me anyway (I can tell from the long, obvious, hateful stares). Even though it's her "D"H who's the lying bastard. God knows what he's told her about me

Myheartbelongsto · 30/01/2019 13:25

I think they're both cunts to be honest.

Sweetpea55 · 30/01/2019 13:28

Me and dh are still together after this happened to me.
I tortured myself with how gorgeous she must be until i saw her on fb.
Flat chested,boney and with smokers teeth.
Yet 13 years later and i still want to hurt her.
I sometimes think if i won the lotto i would hire someone to make life miserable for her.

Mmmhmmm · 30/01/2019 13:29

I was angrier at the OW, but that's because she's my sister! I "dumped" both of their asses.

Mum2boys1girl · 30/01/2019 13:33

Yes and no it depends if the ow knew he was with me then yes really angry at her but if the ow had no clue I existed then not all wasn't her fault

Thatwasfast · 30/01/2019 13:35

I think people are angrier with the OW as a way to cope with the cognitive dissonance of staying with someone who has treated you awfully, and might not love you

Passing4Human · 30/01/2019 13:36

Mmmhmmm Wed 30-Jan-19 13:29:38
I was angrier at the OW, but that's because she's my sister! angry I "dumped" both of their asses.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think that must be one of the worst betrayals there is, honestly.

Thatwasfast · 30/01/2019 13:37

After all, it’s a lot easier to stay with someone if they’ve been led astray by someone ‘evil’, rather than someone who went looking for sex/love with someone else because they are fundamentally a selfish, horrible person

Pissedoffdotcom · 30/01/2019 13:37

Nope. I pity them because a relationship that starts out that way is fucked from the off.
End of the day it isn't the OW/OM that is breaking the relationship. My OH chooses to be with me, if he goes and cheats its him that is cheating on me, not the poor sap he cheats with

Santaclarita · 30/01/2019 13:37

Yes I would judge a woman badly if she has willingly gone after a married or in a relationship man. There are single men out there, you don't need to target the taken ones.

The man is the worst one obviously, by a long shot. He broke the vows, he cheated. He could have just ignored the ow and walked away from her without cheating. I've had other men try and get me to cheat on my previous partners and I walked away. It's quite simple, if you're faithful.

But you're hardly going to like the other person that helped your partner cheat, are you? Not gonna go and shake their hand and be all pally. Of course you're going to hate them. It's natural. They helped ruin your relationship, and if they had had any morals they wouldnt have done it.

It's amazing though what some people on here think of women though. Some think that no woman is capable of being sneaky, devious and downright cruel to other women. When in reality, probably a good majority of times when your partner cheats on you, it's with a friend or relative. How could a friend or relative do that to you? That's very cruel.

Limensoda · 30/01/2019 13:37

I tortured myself with how gorgeous she must be until i saw her on fb.Flat chested,boney and with smokers teeth

So she wasn't worthy of a man wanting her then? Of course only gorgeous women should have any kind of relationship....

Jimdandy · 30/01/2019 13:39

The other woman doesn’t owe you anything. Your husband does.

Pissedoffdotcom · 30/01/2019 13:39

If someone actively pursues married men then that's pretty shitty. But they still aren't the ones breaking the vows. DP could have as many women fawning all over him as they liked; it is HIS choice to reciprocate. If it's a friend it shows what the friendship means to them.

MattFreisWeatherReport · 30/01/2019 13:41

I've seen it in action and I know it's BS. Presumably these women also know its BS.

I think this is the point where your line of thought breaks down, OP. imo an OW usually has self-esteem problems and can't see the BS for what it is. I find it hard to judge that too harshly.

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 30/01/2019 13:41

I think it's completely natural to feel angry and hateful towards someone who has been so central to causing you so much pain and destroyed your family. Probably left you financially much worse off. See the heartache they've caused the kids as well. They've had a choice, you haven't. It would take a long time for someone like that to convince me that they're not just an awful person.

Nayeds · 30/01/2019 13:42

badirene after 15 years he suddenly met someone else? My god that's terrifying! I've been married a similar amount of time and trust my DH. If he suddenly were to do that my heart would break. I think I'd losing my cool with the OW BUT only if she knew about me!

MaiaRindell · 30/01/2019 13:42

I think it really depends on the husband and the circumstances.
There's a guy in my office (large business so quite anonymous) who has tried it on with loads of people. He pursued me for a while after my marriage broke up and didn't tell me he was married. Nothing happened. I found out about his wife later.

He is now seeing a colleague. He has told her he is leaving his wife and she believes him. The colleague is a fragile and vulnerable person.

I think there are some men who can sniff out those with low self-esteem, who are lonely or needy. In these situations, I don't feel the OW are to blame. They are the victims too.

I read an interesting quote once. "A hungry heart wants to be fed". I always think of that when I hear about OW. Why else would a woman choose to be 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th best in someone's life?

StroppyWoman · 30/01/2019 13:43

I always assumed the anger towards the OW was a safety valve for anger people fely towards their partner.

It's the partner who is betraying you, lying, keeping the stability of a marriage (or whatever) as well as the excitement of a new relationship.
It's the partner who covers things up, gas-lights you for suspicions, makes you feel guilty for being so untrusting.

THe OW? Pretty unfeeling if she knows children are involved, and pretty naive is she thinks he won't repeat the pattern with her. But after an initial burst of rage, it's the partner not the OW who deserved the anger and condemnation

Santaclarita · 30/01/2019 13:43

I tortured myself with how gorgeous she must be until i saw her on fb.Flat chested,boney and with smokers teeth

So she wasn't worthy of a man wanting her then? hmm Of course only gorgeous women should have any kind of relationship....

No I think she's more meaning that it made her feel better that she is more attractive than the other woman. Let's face it, if your husband cheated on you, would you rather it be Angelina Jolie or Susan Boyle? I mean neither is better obviously, but I would feel like shit having been betrayed for a more attractive woman. Least if she was ugly you could think 'well bad choice there mate, you no longer get me'.

It's not great, but your self esteem takes a way bigger kicking if you've been cheated on for someone way better than you, in your eyes. Plus the fact your partner chose them means they agree, making it even worse.

MaiaRindell · 30/01/2019 13:44

The best revenge is a life well lived
And to whoever said this - yes, yes, yes. This is how I try to be.

Jux · 30/01/2019 13:44

If it was a friend I would never see her again.
If it was someone unknown I wouldn't bother.

MIL married her best mate's ex dh (only just ex, very soon after their split) and best mate never spoke to her again. MIL was saddened but always said she didn't understand why her best mate wouldn't speak to her ? Not pig-shit thick either, MIL was a relatively intelligent woman.

Dard · 30/01/2019 13:48

Absolutely hate her & him for terrible pain caused to my children and myself whilst only thinking of themselves.OW 23 years younger gold digger

Limensoda · 30/01/2019 13:48

Let's face it, if your husband cheated on you, would you rather it be Angelina Jolie or Susan Boyle? I mean neither is better obviously, but I would feel like shit having been betrayed for a more attractive woman. Least if she was ugly you could think 'well bad choice there mate, you no longer get me

You really don't see how shallow that makes you sound?
Your self esteem is based on your looks? Bloody hell!

Babdoc · 30/01/2019 13:51

Back in the dark ages, when I was a junior doc, half the married medical staff were shagging around while on call. As far as I remember, nobody intended breaking up anyone else’s marriage, and female docs were just as likely to be doing this as their male colleagues.
I think it was more the intense pressure of 100 hour weeks, dealing with life and death all the time, not seeing much of your family or partner at all, and seeking sex as an escape and a comfort amidst the stress and mayhem. I doubt any of my colleagues thought of themselves as OWs!
It’s probably not a thing any more, now that docs work limited shifts and don’t have bedrooms at the hospital - also the culture is very different now to the 70’s and 80’s.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8