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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do people not feel anger towards the OW?

193 replies

ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/01/2019 11:14

I'm just musing here. I was cheated on by a partner a long time ago - I was in my mid-twenties and we'd been dating 4+years and planning to get married etc. Then he asked for a "break" while he figured stuff out, and clearly already had started seeing the OW. Came back to me after the break, but kept messaging her. I finally found out and kicked him out.

I'm not still angry about any of it. I think he did me a massive favour because I was young, I could bounce back, I built up some self esteem and don't take BS from people, I had other relationships and eventually met my DH.

But back then I knew that he was the one who cheated / he was the one who treated me terribly.. but I still felt some amount of anger at the woman. I've more than once found someone who is in a committed relationship hitting on me (far away from their partner, usual BS after drinks about how partner doesn't understand them etc) and I've always just left and stayed away. Even though I was single, I didn't want to do that to another woman.

Others who've been cheated on, do you genuinely feel the OW is not at fault at all? Of course the person in the relationship is the person primarily at fault. But do you not feel anger and betrayal from also the friend or acquaintance or person who ate your food and drank your wine and then kissed your boyfriend? Or even didn't know you at all but knew you existed and didn't care?

OP posts:

user1466690252 · 30/01/2019 19:33

The first one I’m not mad at, she didn’t know anything about me and I can’t blame her for that. The second one I hate. She saw me pregnant, knew I was married to him and about to give birth and they turned it into some joke to take the piss out of me.
The funny thing is is she is still lumped with him and I am happily married with children to a wonderful man, far more successful than he ever could be. So she got her karma. The both of them did

Gth1234 · 30/01/2019 20:45

@inliverpool1

no, but it takes 2 to tango. If the married other half rejects unwelcome advances, then nothing untoward will happen.

Yes, the temptor/temptress (assuming they know the person is married) should not get involved, but the married person should equally not get involved either. To my mind he/she is more culpable.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/01/2019 22:39

I do blame the OW to some extent. She knew he was married and not even separated. I dont however know what on earth he told her about me, and it wont have been nice I am guessing! Good luck to her, she will need it! Karma!

silvercuckoo · 30/01/2019 23:52

I don't blame anyone for cheating. After the initial shock of the discovery, both the cheating DP and his OW sort of became strangers to me. I remember looking at him one morning (a week or so after I learned about the affair) with a feeling that I forgot something, but could not figure it out. It was his birthday, but seemed so irrelevant to me, as if I suddenly remembered about a birthday of a kid I never spoke to in the primary school.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/01/2019 07:31

I wonder if the OM gets the same treatment. I feel people often justify a woman who cheats and blame her in whereas a cheater wife is never, ever to blame.
I disagree its about sex. I think it's more a sense of entitlement.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/01/2019 07:31

Should say blame the cheating wife's oh.

Inliverpool1 · 31/01/2019 08:35

I think you do have the right to not be cheated on. You signed a marriage contract. Made decisions accordingly ie children that I wouldn’t have made without that contract in place.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 08:40

I think you do have the right to not be cheated on

I don't think it's as black and white as that, for example as a pp said, some spouses deserve no loyalty, and broke thcontract first, by not being loving or honoring their partner, so I think it's really about the marriage itself and how each spouse feels.

Biggerknickersagain · 31/01/2019 09:27

Well, of the 3 I know about (I have no doubt there's more) the one I didn't hate was the mother of his DC who was before me, well actually I was unwittingly the OW because he lied through his teeth to both of us. Told me he was staying at his sister's after they split up a few months before and would continue to stay there for a while before he committed so he was sure. He was going back to the ex/kids.
Told her that he was staying at his sisters while they tried to work through their issues and re-establish their relationship. He was coming to me. The disgusting thing was that the reason they needed to re-establish their relationship because he'd been caught shagging his mates gf. So he promptly reeled me in when she found out and kicked him out, he then lived between us while putting on a great show to both of us about how responsible he was being not rushing things!
First she knew about me was when her kids told her we'd met! I felt fucking awful knowing that those poor kids had had that done to them and the way he'd treated her. Was an eye opener!
The other 2 ran concurrently with both of us....... Yeah he's that low. Hate both of them, they both knew he was dallying with me AND the ex yet still went for it. And every fucker kept silent about it too, so called friends as well. Fuck that, they're all out of my life now, I do bump into his ex from time to time and we pass the time of day pleasantly and as for the other 2, well to do what they did, knowing what they know, they're vile.

On a lighter note he has just been prosecuted for something related to lying - I am ecstatic. Bet the new one (s) realise what a catch they have!

TheSoapyFrog · 31/01/2019 09:53

I feel pity. She's been lured in and lied to, probably told the usual spiel. She was used and then dropped when it all came out in the open. She thought she had found the love of her life and they were going to be together once he left, and all this now would be worth it one day. You lose your senses sometimes when you're in love.
And at the end she ends up with nothing but a bad reputation while the man usually ends up back with his wife, content that he managed to have his cake and eat it.
I feel more sorry for me than I do her, but the anger needs to be directed at him. He lied, he cheated, he used, he manipulated; solely to boost his ego and get his dick wet. She was stupid and gullible.

JenniferJareau · 31/01/2019 16:47

One ow I met tbh I think she did it to boost her self esteem / ego. It was all about running the wife down and bigging herself up.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 17:08

In my limited experience, it's incredibly rare for someone to have an affair with someone married outnof simple spite, to run down the wife and big themselves up, generally there is real emotion there that is nothing to do with thr wife.

JenniferJareau · 31/01/2019 17:36

I didn't say there were no emotions but the ow I met certainly did use it to boost her ego / self esteem. I can post on here the things she said but didn't as I didn't want to upset anyone.

Inliverpool1 · 31/01/2019 20:48

JenniferJareau - the pick me dance and getting one over the wife is quite common when it’s within the same friendship groups or close village type environments. Certainly not unheard of

PinaColada1 · 31/01/2019 20:55

@jenniferjareau yes I have seen this first hand in some social groups. My friends are lovely, but I moved area a while ago and was shocked that there were several women here who needed to feel number one amongst the men, married or not. I’ve been ignored, slighted, trodden on, it’s like lord of the flies! They are wanted my man when he got promoted. Yuk!

EmeraldShamrock · 31/01/2019 21:00

I felt more anger towards my ex, he played us both, she didn t know about me. He finished with her, I was stupid in love with him I took him back on a casual basis, not wanting to rush things, turned out he was with me the ow and a new one. They're still together he is still a cheater, his DM abandoned him aged 5, he is a messed up person.
If I knew the OW bloody right I would be angry, if she was a friend or his colleague, I would be very fair with my anger, I was hate them equally and probably slap them.
I may be naive but I don't think DP is a cheater, we are very close he knows it would be over completely.

Begrateful · 31/01/2019 21:23

Well it takes two to tango so he is not an innocent party. Furthermore, the OW has no loyalty to you and why should she even consider your feelings above her own desires. I supose it's normal to be upset for a while but being angry at the OW will not add value to your life. 😐

Ginpasta · 31/01/2019 22:12

It's been a bit over 2 years now and I still have a lot of anger towards them both. Anger not just for what they did and how they have affected my life but we have a young DD and I'm angry that her family unit has been torn apart. I'm hoping the anger will eventually go over time.

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