Do people not feel anger towards the OW?

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

I'm just musing here. I was cheated on by a partner a long time ago - I was in my mid-twenties and we'd been dating 4+years and planning to get married etc. Then he asked for a "break" while he figured stuff out, and clearly already had started seeing the OW. Came back to me after the break, but kept messaging her. I finally found out and kicked him out.

I'm not still angry about any of it. I think he did me a massive favour because I was young, I could bounce back, I built up some self esteem and don't take BS from people, I had other relationships and eventually met my DH.

But back then I knew that he was the one who cheated / he was the one who treated me terribly.. but I still felt some amount of anger at the woman. I've more than once found someone who is in a committed relationship hitting on me (far away from their partner, usual BS after drinks about how partner doesn't understand them etc) and I've always just left and stayed away. Even though I was single, I didn't want to do that to another woman.

Others who've been cheated on, do you genuinely feel the OW is not at fault at all? Of course the person in the relationship is the person primarily at fault. But do you not feel anger and betrayal from also the friend or acquaintance or person who ate your food and drank your wine and then kissed your boyfriend? Or even didn't know you at all but knew you existed and didn't care?

I've had 2 women friends who became the other women. They felt no remorse, made up a load of justifications, and I dumped them both.

One of my supposed best friends slept with my bf when I was younger. She was known for being a bitch and going for 'unavailable' men but I was naive and figured she wouldn't do it to me, her best friend who stuck by her through some truly shitty (albeit, completely self inflicted) things. Of course, she shit on me from a great height. It really damaged my MH but she did me a favour, I no longer waste my time on people who can treat others so badly and dump these 'friends' as soon as an occasion arises.

When my exh started shagging one of his employees (who was half his age) I was beyond angry with both of them. Our babies were only 4 and 2 years old at the time and it was my fault since I was 'preoccupied' with raising them whereas she was 'fun' and wanted to go out all the time and enjoy life. He spunked so much family money on impressing her with trips away, expensive underwear, fancy meals...etc. He told me he loved her.

They were 'dating' before he even moved out of the family home, leaving me to pick up the pieces with our tiny children. But when the stress of the divorce got too much about 3 months later, she dumped him saying it 'wasn't fun' anymore. He spiralled into a great depression and tried to drink himself to death.

For the sake of our children I helped him put his life back together again, and most of my anger towards him dissipated. He was so remorseful and sad about what he'd done to be an utter cheating cliché, although has never apologised. It's 4 years later and we co-parent fine most of the time. He has a new girlfriend now but is still in touch with her as 'friends', more fool him.

I'm still madly angry at her though. He got her a new well-paid job (since he is a small business owner and tongues were wagging), doted on her, gave her money and gifts, and she walked away leaving him (and me) with the mess of our lives. She walked away scot free, whereas he at least has had repercussions for what he did. Our children, totally innocent parties in this, will forever be scarred by the messy destruction of our family. And the fact that she has had NO repercussions whatsoever still makes me very angry indeed.

I hated the woman my former OH cheated on me with and left me for, and honestly, I still do.
She knew he was in a long term relationship, she wasn't innocent.
Her behaviour towards me in the months after he left me for her, while we sorted through the mess of dividing our assets was also vile.
Honestly, I hope that terrible things happen to her in life and that she gets what she deserves...although she is now stuck with a beer bellied, balding liar with bad tattoos and not many teeth left so, good luck to her with that.

Sorry for the rant...I guess what I was trying to say is the OW knew exactly what she was doing. They worked together for 3 years and I even met her once pre-affair when I took our newborn youngest into the office. She was just like the woman in Love Actually who Alan Rickman is having an affair with. How people like this look themselves in the face everyday is beyond me.

When exdh first told me about ow I was very angry at her (not as much as with exdh though). Her exdh had cheated on her and I couldn't understand how she could be the ow having been through it herself.
My anger soon subsided when I realised that she had actually done me a huge favour in taking him off my hands!!!

I think the "she owes you nothing" argument is up there with "nobody can make you feel anything" as a trite little line that's designed to absolve someone of responsibility for their actions.

The worst betrayal by a mile is by the spouse. He made promises to his wife, and he has a responsibility to do everything he can to make his marriage work. But that doesn't mean that it isn't completely immoral to be shagging someone else's husband.

I agree with the feminist argument actually as well. I don't think a feminist would collude in the mistreatment of another woman by a man.

I think that, on here, people tend to encourage posters to redirect their anger from the OW back to the husband.

Yes I think most people would feel anger at/contempt towards someone who thought so little of themselves that someone else's husband seemed like a fair bet but it's generally not helpful to people to get caught up in being so angry with the OW that they 'forgive' their husband easily so as not to have to really deal with it.

@zaphod: But I'm talking about a bog-standard experience where the OW knows the man is in a relationship, and he tells her some usual BS spiel about my girlfriend doesn't love me anymore / I'm planning to leave her soon / you are so amazing you're turning my head etc. I've seen it in action and I know it's BS. Presumably these women also know its BS. Why buy into it?

It's not always BS though. Mine DID leave me, for her, and they are married now. I am sure they would say that what they have together is true love, which they didn't have with their ex-partners, and as my H said to me, it was his turn for happiness.

Me, I think that he was morally obliged, after 30 years together, to be honest and kind to me. Sure, he''d fallen out of love with me, but the way to address that isn't to shag someone else, it's to talk, explain, part kindly, not surrounded by a miasma of lies. That bit was only his fault and he should bear the blame for it. I can't know what she knew, what he said. I'd bet we were both lied to for a time, but who knows.

In my case the OW was someone who'd been to my house, eaten my food, drunk my wine, and made out with my boyfriend and slept on my bed

That is absolutly dispicabel in my book.

Have people no moral compass or sense of shame?.

How is the OW, a complete stranger who’s never even met you, responsible for your DP breaking his promises to you and cheating? She owes you nothing and YABU to blame her for his actions, choices and lies.

Why can't she be blamed for her own actions?

My anger soon subsided when I realised that she had actually done me a huge favour in taking him off my hands!!!

^^ This! I'm deliriously happy that she fell for his lies and now puts up with his selfish behaviour. Ha ha ha is all I think.

i felt the same as you.
He was the one who cheated, she was just a sad dickhead that believed his lies. Sure she felt she’d won a fantastic prize, but what kind of loser would think middle aged depressive, border line alcoholic cheat was a prize. Welcome to him lovely 💕

At the time I hated the OW, I've never hit anyone in my life but the acts of violence I was imagining towards her (and ExH) were horrible!

I had to have hypnotherapy to manage my anger, as I really didn't like feeling that way, and this really helped.

3 1/2 years on I feel pity and gratitude towards her. I'm SOOOO much better off without him and they're miserable (but still together!)

I think the OW is irrelevant unless it's someone you know and trusted.
I wouldn't waste any emotion on them.

I met a guy on a dating site, we chatted online for a while but then I went away for 3 months. We exchanged a few messages while I was away. Talked about meeting up after I was back home. Then whatsapp (where we'd been chatting) linked up with facebook and suggested him as a friend to me. Looked on his profile and, during the time we chatted, he was getting married! I sent him a message telling him what an utter creep I thought he was and how lovely his wife looked, and suggested he concentrate on her instead of chatting up women online!

I agree it takes a particular type of woman to knowingly become the OW. I could never do it and have no respect for someone who does. I ended one friendship, where the friend confided in me that she was seeing the husband of one of her other friends. How can you ever trust a person like that? So yes I think the OW in that type of scenario does warrant some anger and blame directed at her. If they know what they're doing and carry on regardless then they are selfish and not a very nice person.

Crikey yes I have been angry at OW, why wouldn’t I?!

I’m also angry at women who openly flirted and used ExDP as their emotional crutch, at our relationships expense. They are not nice people. They used the fact that Ex was selfish and had bad boundaries to make them feel like they were better than me. Some were definitely flirting to feel like woman ‘top Dog’ in our social circles. Cows! I hope they find men who do the same to them.

I was livid with ex too. I left him. Good riddance.

I count myself lucky having great female friends, none of whom have been near a married man. They are a fantastic bunch.

No, no anger - just pity

She did know me vaguely at an 'aquaintance' level. She was much younger and had zero self-worth having had a couple of violent relationships. She knew he was married, although I'm sure he used the script and I'm sure she fell for it.

I threw him out within an hour of finding out. Within a fortnight I was actually grateful to her because his absence was so welcome - it showed me how utterly miserable the last couple of years had been.

He treats her badly (he tried it with me, but I didn't stand for it). I saw her recently and she looks as knackered and ground down as I used to feel. They got married last year. She's not even 30 and she's shackled to a selfish, lazy, arrogant 45 year old drunk.

I hope she finds her voice and freedom soon.

sometimes the ‘OW’ has no idea

I get that, but in my case she had been introduced to me + DD by DH (she was his work colleague) so knew exactly what she was doing.

My OH (of 24 years) recently cheated and we have split. While I mainly blame him, I do blame her as she knew he was married and clearly did not care. She however is welcome to him!

Yes I've never understood the defence of the ow - if she's single she's blameless- eh?!

P.s. I also contacted a couple of women directly who had met ex through a dating website while I was pregnant. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, as they both said that they had no idea that he was with me. I asked them for information about what ex had done.

I held no animosity for those women whatsoever. They did not know. One was quite upset both that she’d been lied to by ex but also because she’d been cheated on and felt awful for me. It was very healing for me to have one of the ‘ow’ show compassion. I’m still very glad I contacted them.

As the OW in my case went on to be the 'wicked' stepmother, I reserve the right to hate her. I can't forgive and forget because she's still IN MY LIFE and causing pain 8 years on.

Whether they knew or not is a big deal.

And also whether they know you.

To this day I’m still angry with the women who were in my social circle who flirted and EA with ExDP. They knew me and did it anyway. They were happy to humiliate me in public by taking Exes attention. I actually hate them!

I’m not at all angry with Internet date women who slept with Ex but did not know.

Prepared to be flamed for this but I was once the OW. I was 18, naive and he was my boss. I knew nothing about her at first until someone at work told me it was complicated and she was PREGNANT. He told me it was over but I think deep down I think I knew it was wrong to continue, I just also thought I was terribly in love and was a terribly selfish young adult. I booked him flights to go and see the baby when it was born, and he was calling me from the hospital. It was madness - he was obviously a prize turnip but awful behaviour on my part.

She was very angry with me and just desperate to get him back. She got into his emails and messaged me some abuse and I had a bit of a realisation that this probably wasn't what first term at uni was supposed to be about. I just left my job (part-time student job) and never spoke to him again. Now I am mucho older I have considered reaching out to apologise, but always think about Natasha and Carrie in SATC: "you ruined my marriage and now you're ruining my lunch". Anyway basically yes I understand anger towards the OW, but there can be mitigating circumstances (lies to her as well as to you, general naivety). I was sold the line that 'she is crazy' all along, but I bet she got it about me, too. Sad really.

Postscript: he tried to add me on Facebook two years ago and took much pleasure in rejecting that one.

I felt a bit sorry for the OW in my case. He spent the first year of their official relationship (while we sold our home) begging for me back and telling me how unhappy he was (I never responded and blocked him once all of the financials were sorted)
They're married with kids now and I occasionally wonder how many times he's cheated on her or will in the future. He'll never be happy with what he's got...