Do people not feel anger towards the OW?

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

I'm just musing here. I was cheated on by a partner a long time ago - I was in my mid-twenties and we'd been dating 4+years and planning to get married etc. Then he asked for a "break" while he figured stuff out, and clearly already had started seeing the OW. Came back to me after the break, but kept messaging her. I finally found out and kicked him out.

I'm not still angry about any of it. I think he did me a massive favour because I was young, I could bounce back, I built up some self esteem and don't take BS from people, I had other relationships and eventually met my DH.

But back then I knew that he was the one who cheated / he was the one who treated me terribly.. but I still felt some amount of anger at the woman. I've more than once found someone who is in a committed relationship hitting on me (far away from their partner, usual BS after drinks about how partner doesn't understand them etc) and I've always just left and stayed away. Even though I was single, I didn't want to do that to another woman.

Others who've been cheated on, do you genuinely feel the OW is not at fault at all? Of course the person in the relationship is the person primarily at fault. But do you not feel anger and betrayal from also the friend or acquaintance or person who ate your food and drank your wine and then kissed your boyfriend? Or even didn't know you at all but knew you existed and didn't care?

You really don't see how shallow that makes you sound?
Your self esteem is based on your looks? Bloody hell!

And for a lot of women when cheated on their self esteem is reduced to nothing. When you feel like shit, your thoughts are also shit. They can't help that.

They'll look back on it and say 'God why did I ever think that' but at the time, yeah they will base it on attractiveness. That's being human.

I would have had no issue with the OW in my case if she had kept her distance, been polite and reasonable and had treated my children with the respect they deserved. As it was, she felt the need to intervene in every interaction between myself and my ex husband and just made everything 10 times worse than it needed to be. Of course, that came from a place of insecurity on her part - she had been fed the usual 'she doesn't understand me/we never sleep together' tripe which was thrown back in her face the same week he left me and they moved in together with my (admittedly unexpected) pregnancy. So would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he had to tell her that!

She used her professional status as an accountant to cook my ex's books as best as she could so that I received probably around half the settlement I should have. She had him pay her a full time salary for what would have been half a day's work a week max whilst I was left pregnant with two additional children and a stay at home mum and a mortgage of over £1.5k a month. My children and I lost our home whilst she pranced about in an executive car paid for by my (then) husband's business.

She additionally treated my children like something she had scraped off her shoe and I would go as far as to say she mentally abused them. Eventually he left her. Although every woman he has taken up with since has been of a similar ilk.

I am a model ex. I keep myself to myself, am entirely self-sufficient and encourage good contact between the children and their father. I have received no maintenance in 10 years (something my ex is very proud of - boasts about it to people in front of the children) and removed my wedding ring the day after I found out he was having an affair. He got what he wanted - a no fuss divorce, no hassle, took more than his fair share of our assets and had his girlfriend as well. Not sure why I had to pay for his infidelity but there you go, it is what it is.

It is very hard not to hate someone who, I agree, owes you nothing, but doesn't recognise the impact their actions have had on your life and doesn't take the opportunity to move on with a bit of dignity and grace. And what she did to my children is unforgiveable. So yeah, I feel huge anger towards her. But mainly to my ex who put up with that shit. Divorce was inevitable - I accept our relationship wasn't a great one - but there was no need for it to be the way it was and the way it continues to be.

I positive hate the OW in my situation, but hate my ex-OH more. She knew from the offset that he was in a LTR. They work together and most of the staff have met me/known about me over the years as my ex-OH would constantly talk about us. Yes, it is squarely the fault of my ex-OH for changing completely into a cheating arsehole, but the OW played her part in it too.

Karma is a bitch and hopefully it will get them both one day.

Meanwhile, I have a much nicer life, free from the emotional abuse and gaslighting he put me through.

And looking at it from the other side, if the OW hadn't known at all about my existence, then she would be truly innocent. It wouldn't be fair to place any blame on someone in that situation.

fuck yes I'm angry at her.

Not only did the bitch invite my kids to her place of work for a tour, but she introduced her kids to him and (in his version of events) insisted on sitting at the same table as me at an event he was hosting (not only was she grotesquely inappropriately dressed, but she felt it the right thing to do to give me her life history, right up in my face).
She also (in his version of events) pressurised him into taking her on a business trip abroad (5 star hotel and michelin starred restaurant).

Not only did that skank know about his life, she made active efforts to peek into it, and since being discovered has felt it appropriate to send me text and whatsApp messages.

I have no guilt whatsoever in having told her husband about the affair, though I have drawn the line (so far) about sending him copies of the (extensive) correspondence between them that I have and which details a lot about their relationship.

I hated her guts and would’ve run her over if she was crossing the road given half a chance. Went on for 2 years and he dumped her when me n the kids moved out - too late mate!
Looking back she did me a favour. We’ve all had a better life without him!
Having said that I actively avoid any tv programs she appears in .....

(earth mother / uber woman cowbag - nuff said)

ahhh... FabulouslyFab we have the same issue. The best part is when people call me to let me know they've seen her on telly / heard her on the radio. I torture myself with her twitter account :-(

London, I am happy to ignore her for the most part. I know there’s another side to her, and it isn’t nice.

I found out about my exH’s affair via a Facebook message his mistress sent me AFTER he had ended the affair, telling her that we were going to try again. (Not true!) I found the message 4 months after she had sent it and 14 months after he finally left the family home having told me he didn’t love me anymore.

The message was full of self pity for herself and asked me to “hurt him like he had hurt her” for dumping her! She wanted me to know about the affair (she attached photos to prove they were together) and tried to convince me that it had been ok to sleep with him because he had told her that he was sleeping on the sofa when they met. She asked me not to reply if I was “going to be a bitch”to her!

I was floored, but in a way it helped me make sense of his weird behaviour in the 4 months before he ended our marriage (I had to tell him to go 2 months later!). She also gave me full access to her Facebook page so I was able to match his lies to when he was with her.

Her self pitying message helped me NOT hate her because she had deluded herself completely that she had any part to play in the affair! After a few months I sent her a message back thanking her for her message, telling her the truth about our relationship at the start and the end of their affair. I also told her that far from getting revenge on my xH I was too busy raising my beautiful DC and my only decision was whether or not to name her in my petition for adultery.

I will admit to Facebook stalking her periodically and feeling a bit disgruntled that she has bounced from man to man since then while I remain single (as does he) 6 years later. But if it hadn’t been her it would have been someone else and as a mid life crisis it made him realise that he wasn’t happy and looking back neither was I.

Maybe it was easier because she didn’t know me..he met her while he was working in Cork. The only downside is that I used to love Cork and now I can’t bear to visit there!

I am considerably more angry with him than her - god only knows what he has said to her about me! But she knows hes married, not separated - I had no clue this was going on, and she clearly didnt care so shes a slut in my eyes regardless.

It's natural to be angry at the OW but actually unless I personally know her then I think the anger is a bit misdirected.

He's the one who chose to cheat and fuck up his relationship so that's where the blame should primarily lie. A stranger doesn't owe me anything in my rational mind but of course I'd fucking hate her!

If she's a friend or relative then all bets are off. I've been fucked over by friends a couple of times and I expect more loyalty from someone I care about and is supposed to care about me.

My attitude to infidelity has changed a lot over the years. Don't get me wrong, it's still shitty but I guess I've come to realise that life really isn't that simple and clean cut and sometimes stuff happens and it gets messy.

I dunno, I spend my life trying not to hurt those around me and hope and trust they do the same but I also feel that sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of relationships.

Marriage and monogamy isn't for everyone and even the most committed of couples maybe are meant to be for life. If we were more honest as a society about how fucking hard it is to maintain a relationship for 5/10/20 years, life might be a little easier.

Saying all of that though, I'm not a cold and unfeeling person and I would be devastated if my current partner cheated. I'm just acknowledging that I've bought into something I'm not sure is totally doable anymore.

The OW was my best friend who lives with us, she sent him pictures of her vulva when I was breastfeeding my lo in the next room, she was flashing her minge under the table at the bar while me and my dd were there. So yeah I’m angry at him but I’m fucking disgusted at her blatant disrespect towards me.

She blames him saying he took advantage of her being pissed and (not in a good place mentally) tbh they are as bad as each other but I feel like she’s worse....I dunno still feeling a lot of rage as it’s only been 2 months since I (officially) found out

I’d blame them both because I wouldn’t mess with a married/involved man, no matter how charming he is. I’ve seen the hurt it’s causes first hand because it happened in my family growing up.

The cheater is a selfish bastard and the ow is a spiteful, entitled bitch.

I kicked her out btw and she bitched about it and how harsh it was on her! (She has money and a place to stay) I’m living on hand out from my family until I can get a job and move out. While she and her boyfriend are having holidays and days out on her massively un deserved inheritance. She still messages me as she wants the fryer she bought the house and memory stick.

They are both vile pieces of 💩 in my opinion. They deserve each other because neither of them can be trusted. I’ve been cheated on and your self esteem really does hit rock bottom.
I have recently fallen out with my best friend of 15 years because she thought it was acceptable to run off with a married man. She even worked with his wife all day every day so I imagine she was getting some kicks whilst smiling away at her all day whilst shagging her husband. How delightful! I can’t stand scheming bastards they can take their shitty morals as far away from me as possible!!

For me the hard part is accepting that this person (who knew me and my kids) was complicit in breaking up the marriage and caused my kids huge and ongoing hurt yet I am supposed to be OK with her presence as their step mum and believes she loves and cares about them. If that were true she would not have continued to encourage my ex or allow him to live into her home which was too far away from the kids for him to visit much. There is no doubt at all that he is to blame, at fault etc but it is not a finite thing. There is no set % of anger / blame to be apportioned and if you give her some he gets less. If a person knows someone is married and has kids and if they have even a nodding acquaintance with the family then I don't care what star crossed lovers bullshit they think justifies it, its wrong and she bears blame. Not all, not instead of the ex but as well as.

My uncle left his DW of 40 years for an OW. It later came out there had been many OW over the years. The current OW worked with him and knew his DW so definitely knew he was married. I continue to have a relationship with my uncle because he's my uncle but I'll never forget what he did to my aunty nor ever welcome the OW into the family. She is as guilty as he is.

I feel anger towards both to be honest but far, far more towards my husband. That's personal, he's meant to love me. He's meant to be invested in our family. I don't know her, I don't want to know her and the anger is more... Distant. I wonder if it would be different if they were now together.

I felt angry with piece of shit ex and the OW to start with
Then I was just angry with him, but pitied her
Then I pitied them both
Then I forgave them both
Then I moved on (to a beater instead of a cheater but that's a whole other story...)

I also think that unless you know her personally thr anger is misdirect, and I also think the anger is a form of jealousy. As in why her when he had me.

It's natural to feel it, but the reality is it's him that owed you, not her, and if you need to rely on other women rejecting your partner, to keep him faithful then you're in as low a position as it can get and that's soul destroying.

So for me, the bottom line is , if you need to rely on other women rejecting your partner to keep him faithful and get angry with one when she says yes to him, you're in a terrible position and an even worse one than the woman who directs her anger at her cheating partner.

So it's fine to collude in tearing another woman's life apart as long as you don't know her? Bloody hell.

Depends on the situation. Think I'd be a bit angry with her if it was my husband, father of my children whom she knew was married and had young kids.... but end of the day it's my husband who I would focus my anger on.
I've been cheated on before I met my husband and I didnt really have any anger towards the other women... they did me a favour letting me know I'd picked a faithless bastard tbh

Sometimes I see men leaving wives for younger women and the wife being so angry with these women.... but I couldn't feel that myself because I know what bullshit men can trot out to convince naive younger women that they are in love.
I've seen it happen with my friend when we were younger... my husbands 'friend' is married with two kids but hes a massive friend's manchild... he slept with my friend who is nearly 20 years younger and she was all like 'hes so unhappy his wife is a bitch who wont sleep with him, hes never had the deep connection with anyone that he has with me, we are soulmates'.... but of course he did not leave his wife and she was heart broken... he does keep hooking up with random young women though.... they are easy prey when they have no experience

I have to say I’ve never liked a woman (or man) who was OW. Something very selfish and superior about any I’ve met.

My step mum had a long affair with a married man, she openly told me all. She went for men in order to up her status, she also told me. She wasn’t the OW for my Dad, who had several affairs before he left. I didn’t want to judge her at the time, however years later I realize she’s just not very nice, she thinks only of herself.

Acquaintances I’ve met who’ve had affairs are all women I’d keep at arms length. I couldn’t trust them.

There are exceptions, but I think most OW are morally bankrupt and showing a very selfish nasty side to them, which I take as a red flag.

So it's fine to collude in tearing another woman's life apart as long as you don't know her

I don't think anyone said that. I know I'm saying if you need to rely on other women giving him the knock back and get angry with one who says yes, you're in a much worse position than the woman who looks at it, and realises a stranger owed her nothing, it's not their job to keep her partner faithful, and the one she should direct her anger at is him

Everything else against her is just a moral judgement. She should be as irrelevant to you as you likely are to her. Because you're strangers. And it's not a strangers job to keep your partner faithful.

It's his.

I've never been in that situation but I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling anger towards the OW. I would not respect anyone who willingly chose to be an OW.

What I don't understand is women who choose to stay with and forgive their cheating husband but are still angry towards the OW. I have no respect for those women either.