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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
BrieAndOatcakes · 30/01/2019 12:08

Equally... BUT
Love for DH is conditional, love for DC isn't.
Would choose DC over DH in a life or death situation.
I usually enjoy spending time with DH more! (Maybe cos I get a lot less of it)

SilverySurfer · 30/01/2019 14:15

Couldn't have children but from what I've observed love for a child is unconditional - they could do the most vile things and though the parent would hate and condemn the actions, their love would remain. I doubt many would feel the same about their OH.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/01/2019 14:21

My hierarchy is

  1. Dc
  2. Dp and ddog
  3. Dm
  4. The rest of the world.

Before I had the dc I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I loved dp and ddog, but when I had the dc my capacity to love increased. I love my dc with all the love I have, I could never not love them.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 15:55

@SwimmingJustKeepSwimming Honestly it's never really bothered me about my dad, in a weird way. Maybe it should have! But I've always felt immensely loved by him - just also known that my mum is his absolute world. I do think that has given me very high standards in a partner which has helped me build a strong marriage. So maybe in a way it's helped? DD's birthday is coming up actually and I've found myself feeling really quite triggered by it all, as cheesy as that sounds. People keep saying things like "a year ago today you had your first twinges" etc and it's really setting me off. I'm glad to hear that will fade. Thank you and Thanks for you too.

@Pernickity1 I googled the same thing many times and I swear I read that thread! I was horrified. I seem to remember lots of other posters being supportive but reading that one post confirmed all my worst fears. Thankfully DH didn't let me! I do think it will keep growing as she gets older - it certainly has so far - and the moments when her personality shines through are the moments I feel it the most. Thank you for being so kind Thanks

@planespotting I'm the first to go to my friends who have newborns and say "it's okay if you're finding this really hard" - I think it's so so important to acknowledge that for lots of people it's more shit than it is wonderful! But I guess it's hard to admit to the stuff you're still feeling which is why this thread was very difficult for me until you all spoke up. I hope in years to come I'll be able to do the same thing. I'm the same as you - I'm a good mum, I care for my daughter, I play with her, I read to her, I cuddle her, I dedicate my life to her. From the outside, now that I've recovered from the worst of the PND, you would never know anything was wrong. But I'm still not quite there yet. It's reassuring to hear that I'll get there, and I believe you. Thank you Thanks

TheGoogleMum · 30/01/2019 16:08

Tough one. I love my DH a lot. I think my love for DD wasn't as full on and immediate as I expected. Now it is blossoming more and more as she gets older (still only 11 weeks old lol). Love for her is more of a protective love, wheras with DH it's more of a choice?

grasspigeons · 30/01/2019 16:14

I love the DC more and would pick them over DH. But, the thing that is interesting is I actually enjoy DH's company far more.

abcriskringle · 30/01/2019 16:36

DC. I didn't know it was possible to love another person so much. I love DH, of course, but nothing compares to the love I have for DS.

birdsdestiny · 30/01/2019 17:13

Peach I had a c section too and a difficult birth with my second. I had similar unresolved feelings like you but it came, took a while but it came. It was to do with his personality developing too and he has a very distinctive personality which just thinking about him now makes me grin. It will be more than ok Flowers. As you can see from this thread alone there are many of us.

Bigonesmallone3 · 30/01/2019 17:16

It's a different kind of love..
The love for my children is unconditional, I love my partner dearly but that love is conditional I guess, obviously no matter what there will always be an element of love as he's the father of my children

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 30/01/2019 18:32

I'd save the dc over dh. But, in our lives I also put them first and value their best interests over dh.
I fully expect him to do the same, and he does. If he didn't I couldn't love him.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 18:43

Thank you @birdsdestiny. I do think a c-section makes a difference. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Trd · 30/01/2019 19:15

I just don't feel anything at all.

BlueJava · 30/01/2019 19:16

DC - I'd die protecting them.

riotlady · 30/01/2019 19:30

Equal but different. My OH is my best friend and my safe place and seeing him be a great dad only made my love for him deeper. My love for my daughter is much more primal- she’s a piece of me.

In a fire I’d obviously save my daughter because I’m responsible for her in a way that I’m not for my partner, but that doesn’t mean I love him less.

I remember before she was born panicking at the thought that OH would love her more than me- I remember insisting he wasn’t allowed to use any of the pet names he calls me on the baby Hmm I got over it when she came out!

eggsandwich · 30/01/2019 19:37

Had this conversation with my dh about who would we save from a sinking ship, I said without hesitation our two children as much as I love my dh it would be our children everytime.

I said to him that I would expect him to also pick the children over me.

Lipsticktraces · 30/01/2019 19:39

I love my DH.

I would throw him under a moving bus without hesitation to save one of my twins life. I would also throw myself under said bus without a moments thought.

I used to cringe when people would tell me no love compares to the love you have for your child. Then I had them and realised how terrifyingly true it is.

User758172 · 30/01/2019 19:43

Equal but different.

Although in a life-or-death situation, I wouldn’t hesitate to choose my DC, and he feels the same.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 30/01/2019 19:44

DC no contest.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 30/01/2019 19:50

DC. I’d sell my soul for them, it’s a totally unconditional love.

Foxandthehound · 30/01/2019 19:53

My DD wins every single time. She is everything to me. I would choose her over anyone.

1Bobbinwinder · 30/01/2019 19:55

@peachgreen yeah, sometimes its hard to read about other people's experience of magical blissful motherhood. But being a good mother isn't necessarily how you feel, but rather how your child feels - if that makes sense. And as you say, your daughter is happy and well-attached, so you must be doing a good job!

ssd · 30/01/2019 19:59

I love the kids above all else and dh would say the same

I'd worry if he didn't

yummyscummymummy01 · 30/01/2019 20:01

It's incomparable I think. I love my DC in a primal way, I'd give my life for them without a second thought, they're part of me and if anything happened to them I'd feel like a part of me was erased.

I'm in love with my husband, but if he didn't make me happy anymore I'd leave. The children make me unhappy on a regular basis but I will never, ever leave them.

ScandiLady · 30/01/2019 20:13

2 different kind of loves I think...
But no doubt I love my 2 dds, 2 bonus dds and 1 (bonus) granddaugther in a lot more deep and unconditional love... Ill do whatever I can for them (and do every day) the love for Dh is conditional and based on mutural respect and a deep trust in us as a couple.

But even if I weren't with him I'd still love my bonus dds with all my heart and give them my unconditional love...

Mallorie · 30/01/2019 20:22

It's idiotic that the feeling you have for your partner has the same name as the feeling you have for your children.

I like my partner more than I like my children (and I like my children fine). I respect him more, understand him more, he respects and understands me, and there is no reality in which I can imagine him leaving me or doing something so awful that I had to leave him. I wouldn't have had children with him if I didn't feel this way about him.

Would I grab my kids first if the house was on fire? Yes, because they're toddlers and it's my responsibility to protect them whereas he'll be much more likely to make it out on his own. Would I choose for them to live over him in some kind of horrific Sophie's Choice situation? I would choose to sacrifice myself first. If that wasn't possible, it wouldn't be the instant, easy decision that it seems to be for the rest of you. He is as much a part of me as they are and my love for him has existed longer, is more complex, and so many more people (not just me but his family, our friends, his colleagues, his patients, his students) would be seriously devastated by his loss. He is important to the world in a way that our kids are not, at least not yet. They probably need to at least learn to read first. I love them immeasurably and am constantly amazed at their existence and what it feels like to be their mother, but it's separate and completely incomparable to what I feel for my husband.

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