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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
newyearnewwhat · 30/01/2019 20:27

If I lost either of my dc my life would be irreversibly destroyed forever, if I lost dh I would be totally devastated but at some point I would 'live' again.

MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue · 30/01/2019 20:27

I love my DD above anyone else.

ClanoftheCaveBear · 30/01/2019 20:29

DS. I know DH would say the same. It’s the way life works.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 20:32

@Mallorie You have come closest on this thread to summing up my own feelings. I too wonder if it will change as my daughter gets older and becomes more of a "person".

It's funny - I've been seeing it as a defect of my motherhood but I suppose it's equally possible that it's actually a sign of the strength of my marriage. (Not saying it definitely is - just pondering.)

AJPTaylor · 30/01/2019 20:35

Dc. Don't even have to think about it. He probably feels the same. I think that if one of us died the other would carry on and deal with it. Neither of us could contemplate losing one of the dc.

Mallorie · 30/01/2019 20:38

@peachgreen just remember that the mythical 'choose your partner or choose your kids' situation will never actually happen so that point is mostly moot. Your children will benefit so much from the incredible stability and love in your relationship, and from the example of your marriage. I think that's healthier than the kind of weird power imbalance that would come from them knowing that they were more 'important' than their father.

formerbabe · 30/01/2019 20:42

I absolutely shudder at people who love their partners more than their children or say they would choose their partners over their children.

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 30/01/2019 20:44

I chose my dh. He is the person that I want by my side through loft but I need my Dd.
My love for her is almost painful. I feel it somewhere inside my chest like a wrenching sensation.
I would do anything to protect her. It really is a feral and primal feeling.

BruthasTortoise · 30/01/2019 20:47

I'm never sure of my own thoughts when I hear this question. My DH and DC are my family - all of them together make up my life. If there was a life and death situation then both DH and I would save the kids but other than that I can't think of a measure to decide who I love more. I'm planning on spending every day for the rest of my life with my DH, I'm raising my kids to spread their wings and spend their days with their own partners. Obviously when they leave home my love for them won't change but I know I'll cope without them being a daily presence in my life as long as they are happy and healthy in their lives, I don't think I could say the same about DH.

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 30/01/2019 20:47

Life.

Mallorie · 30/01/2019 20:49

@formerbabe why?

Rachelweasel · 30/01/2019 20:51

I couldn't imagine my life without my DP, he is and always will be the one for me. The love I have for my son though is almost indescribable. I'd die for him in a heartbeat and he comes before everything else. I also couldn't imagine that love until he was born and it is just overwhelming. On a daily basis, I can't believe how lucky I am to be able to love him. I don't think I'd ever desert him either like if he ever did something horrendous later in life. I'd always be there for him. If my DP cheated on me, he'd be gone.

Gonna go cry about how much I love them both now. 4 months postpartum and the hormones are STRONG.

frogbull · 30/01/2019 20:53

I remember my dad repeatedly telling me that he loved my mum more than me and always would. I was his "second best girl." I think he was insecure, as my mum was very demonstrative and affectionate with us. He was much older, and I think he may have resented me and my brother coming along and spoiling his nice life.

Once I had kids I wondered why on Earth he would want to keep telling me. Didn't it occur to him that it might hurt?

formerbabe · 30/01/2019 20:56

formerbabe why?

Because it really seems to go against our natural instinct.

Because it's naive...even the strongest relationships can end in divorce. How many women on these boards think everything is perfect but find out their dh isn't who they thought he was?

formerbabe · 30/01/2019 21:04

And also because I think it's really important for children to know that their parents love them more than anyone else in the world.

PepperSteak · 30/01/2019 21:06

I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love my DD. She is the whole world to me. I can’t even believe someone would think they could love a DP to the level you love your child.

birdsdestiny · 30/01/2019 21:09

Trd, I think it might be a good idea to talk to someone in real life about how you are feeling.

E20mom · 30/01/2019 21:13

Dc more of course!

katienana · 30/01/2019 21:18

My DC. I watch them sleep and it can move me to tears how innocent they are, that fragile innocence which gets eroded little by little every single day. I'd do anything to protect them. And I'm their mum. I'm the only mum they'll ever have. It's actually so powerful when I think about it it makes me very emotional! I do have a great relationship with dh and we love each other a lot but the kids will always be number 1 for me!

TokyoSushi · 30/01/2019 21:22

I don't think it's the same thing, I love my DC beyond words, I didn't know that there was a love like it but it's been there since I was pregnant with them both. It has no conditions, I would give my life for them without question.

I love DH with all my heart, it's a love built on trust, friendship, and mutual respect. If he broke that, he'd be gone, I couldn't say the same for my DC.

mindutopia · 30/01/2019 21:22

I think the love for them is different. It's not that you love one more than the other, per se, it's just a different kind of love and one isn't greater than the other. But if it came down to who I would save from being hit by a bus, my dc definitely without a doubt. I don't even need to think about it.

It's not because I don't love my dh (actually he's amazing and I would really struggle to live without him). But it's really about self preservation. I couldn't live the rest of my life knowing I could have saved my children and didn't. I would literally wither up and die without them.

But I don't think it's something you can easily understand until you have children of your own. I remember there was a plane crash a number of years ago and parents lost all four of their children (who happened to be flying home on the same flight, without parents - children were teenagers). I remember being really overwhelmed to realise how I now now had these people in my life that only a few years before I didn't even know and now that I had them I could actually not go on existing if I ever lost them. It was actually a really scary realisation how much my life depends on them in a way.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 21:24

@Mallorie That's certainly how I feel about my parents' marriage. My dad has always been very open about his love for my mum and that she's his priority but I've never felt less loved by him for it. Although I wonder if I put more weight on a romantic relationship than is healthy because of it? This has been a very interesting and thought-provoking thread.

DurhamDurham · 30/01/2019 21:25

My children without a doubt and my granddaughter and then my husband. I love him dearly but I wouldn't die for him. Sounds dramatic but that's the simplest way to put it.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 30/01/2019 21:30

You've described exactly how I feel @Pernickity1 . Not everyone gets that giddy rush of love for their newborn instantly.

PenguinPandas · 30/01/2019 21:31

Love DC and cat more than DH.