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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 30/01/2019 11:10

Interestingly my dad is very open about my mum being his priority and his greatest love. I don't know if that has impacted the way I feel about my own children? I hope not!

dontknowwhattodo80 · 30/01/2019 11:13

No question about it, definitely my children.

I love DH to bits, he's great and I expect we'll be together forever but my children are the absolute apple of my eye.

DH knows that in the event of an accident/fire he's to save the children and the dog before me. If he didn't I'd never forgive him

Tinty · 30/01/2019 11:14

@ButtMuncher

My DS and DSS. I'd want DH to say the same thing.

That's really lovely. Smile.

A male friend of mine told me when he was a child his dad told him that he loved (friends) mother above all his children, then he ran off with another woman. As Friend said when he was an adult, so where does that leave us then?

Elfinablender · 30/01/2019 11:16

I love my dc far more. I'd have left the little buggers I loved them the same. GrinGrin

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 30/01/2019 11:19

(((((Peach)))) I'm so sure it will continue to grow. You obviously love her and are doing the right things and enjoying being with her. I bet one day it will just hit you how much you do love her. Flowers for the birth. A tricky birth affects so much doesnt it. I used to have flashbacks on my duaghters birthday but can tell you know years later I love her birthdays!

Sorry about your dad too. We're a right pair!!

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2019 11:21

My dc. But now they are older my love for them is less all consuming and urgent and dh gets more of a look in again. After all, they will leave home in a few years and go off and lead their own lives and me and dh will be who's left.

WhatNow40 · 30/01/2019 11:22

The difference is unconditional love.

I love my DS, PFB, IVF and only child. Unconditionally and no matter what. I'll always find love in my heart for him.

I love DH. On condition that he remains faithful to me, treats me and our child with respect, love and compassion. On condition that he remains sober. Or I will be absolutely heartbroken and have to leave him. For the sake of our child.

mummyof2boys30 · 30/01/2019 11:23

DC, niece and then DH. He would feel absolutely the same way. I know my mum would choose grandkids, then kids which again I think it should be

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2019 11:23

And yes, dh was given strict instructions to rescue children before me in event of fire/tsunami/earthquake etc

sharpstick · 30/01/2019 11:25

My children. Without them my life would be pointless. I cannot even remember life without them, it’s like life only began when they arrived. If my dh didn’t save them before me, I’d never forgive him, and I’d expect that he felt the same.

That said, there is more than enough love to go around, and it should never really be a question unless that tragic life or death scenario arises.

Interesting question about whether grandparents love their grandchildren more than their own dc. I feel my children have definitely taken my place as number one with my parents, but again I’d hope that was the case if they ever had to choose between saving me or my children. I’d want anyone to save my children over anyone else in the universe.

baabaamoomooneigh · 30/01/2019 11:26

DC. No hesitation! I do love DH but the love I have for DC is something else.

steppemum · 30/01/2019 11:27

It is different
I love them all totally,
but love for DC comes with a responsibility which means you would die for them, turn the world up sidedown for them etc. It is a powerful force.
It is also unconditional.
If my child turned out to be a horrendous child killer, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police and hand them in, but my heart would be broken, and would remain broken for them, as the love doesn't vanish or die. It would just become extremely painful to love someone doing something very wrong.

Love for dh is not unconditional. It is based on a relationship, on mutual respect etc.
If he did something awful, he would be kicked out, and I would (eventually) get over him and move on. Not that I want to, but that would happen.

Pernickity1 · 30/01/2019 11:28

Flowers For you peachgreen. You’re definitely not alone, people are often just too afraid to say this in real life as they fear being judged. I felt just like you when my first was born. I remember googling “why don’t I love my baby” etc. and I remember I actually asked the question on another parenting site and one poster told me to give my baby up for adoption Blush that really didn’t help!

I didnt take that advice (though some days I wanted too Grin) but I did grow to love her - so there is hope! For me it was after she turned two and became more like a “real person”. I loved her enough to do it all over again and it was a similar situation but I didn’t beat myself up the second time as I knew the love would come in time and it did. I’m just not a lover of babies it seems!

Be kind to yourself - you’re doing a great job! Xxx

moanymoaner · 30/01/2019 11:30

No brainer
Dc they are my whole world . Dp is not. He is lovely , kind and caring and a wonderful dad but I would take numerous bullets for DC - I would dodge them for dp!

steppemum · 30/01/2019 11:31

I think the question about who would you save in a fire is interesting.

I would always save the children. Even other people's children over my own dh or any adult. The children would be saved first.

Why? well, because they are dependent, they are vulnerable, they are reliant on the adults to save them.

More interesting would be - if your children were adults and there was a fire, would you save your adult children or a stranger's child?

MrsWillGardner · 30/01/2019 11:35

Kids
Dog1
Dog2
Husband

In that order!

Elfinablender · 30/01/2019 11:36

You forgot about option c) steppe - save your dog/ a stranger's dog over all the other humans Grin

Elfinablender · 30/01/2019 11:37

X-post.

mumeeee · 30/01/2019 11:38

I love them all equally but in different ways.

MrsScamander · 30/01/2019 11:39

DC without a doubt. I love DP and think he is my soul mate, but its a completely different type of love. There are things he could do that would make me stop loving him.

With my children, I don't think there's anything they could do that would stop me from loving them.

steppemum · 30/01/2019 11:40

I have adog. I love my dog.
I would save any human being over a dog.

MoaningSickness · 30/01/2019 11:49

It's a completely different thing to me.

If I'm tired after a long day I can sink into my DHs arms and just feel utterly loved. He's on my team, he's my best friend. But I could imagine not loving him if things changed.

The love I have for my kids is absolute, unconditional, primal, starry-eyed, but one sided in a way mutual adult love isn't. Nothing they could do could change it.

I would 'save my kids first' because that's my job as their mother, to raise them and protect them as much as I can. I don't think it means I love them more.

Confusedbeetle · 30/01/2019 11:51

Love isn't one word, there about ten versions. The love for your partner is a totally differnt one. not better not worse but different

NotTheMrMenAgain · 30/01/2019 11:59

Before I had DD I thought that if anything ever happened to DH, heaven forbid, then I would die without him. Just lie down and die of a broken heart.

Now I know if anything like that happened, whilst I'd be heartbroken, there's no way in this world I'd lie down and die. I'd carry on and make a life for DD which would be as good and happy as possible.

It doesn't mean I love DH any less, just that DD is our priority. In the fire scenario I'd expect either of us to save DD first then help the other.

planespotting · 30/01/2019 12:04

@peachgreen you are not alone. And it took me 23 months. People also don't understand that I was a great mum, cared for him more than anything etc. But that feeling people talk about didn't happen for almost 2 years.
Some people seem to thing that with PND you don't care? My health professionals could all see how well I cared for my son, he never knew, but inside I was just not where society and expectations said I was meant to.
I felt like there was something wrong with me.
There is not.
Pregnancy and labour and motherhood are sold to us like a rainbow floating on a sea of hot chocolate. It isn't and we have to speak up for those of us that feel the same
You are doing great ❤️