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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
LordPickle · 30/01/2019 09:34

I can't stand my husband, so I obviously love my DS more. But I would love him more no matter what. There is nothing like the love you have for your child. It cannot be compared to romantic love in any way.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/01/2019 09:36

DC. I'd kill and die for my child.

Happily married to my DH for 10 years.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 30/01/2019 09:37

I remember having a raging argument with my husband walking past a lake whilst I was holding our child who was probably 6mo or so because I was insisting if I fell in he had to rescue our child; and he was saying he would try to save both of us.

I was virtually sobbing with rage and frustration that he wouldn't agree to leave me to drown in order to ensure our child was safe Grin

But yes, child over husband, all the live long day.

Namestheyareachangin · 30/01/2019 09:39

@Trd I don't think she was contemptuous, I think she was just trying to be supportive. I don't recognise any of the feelings described here.

In her reply to you she may have been, but in the couple of scathing posts before she was just having a sneer.

It's not compulsory to feel a certain way about your DC. If you don't feel like the majority of posters on here it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, with them, or with your family. But it's very presumptuous of Jane, even when framing it as support to you, to imply the posters who do feel like that are 'laying it on thick' - i.e. that those feelings can't be real or are being hyperbolically overblown just because that's not how she feels about it.

Blobby10 · 30/01/2019 09:40

DC definitely but then I've only been with my OH for two years! However even with the DC father, I would have said I loved them more. Its a different kind of 'love' though - I never felt the need to protect my then DH from harm, never wanted to stop the world hurting him, wouldn't have done anything for him! Perhaps that's why we are divorced Grin

Namestheyareachangin · 30/01/2019 09:40

@PenguindreamsofDraco

I was virtually sobbing with rage and frustration that he wouldn't agree to leave me to drown in order to ensure our child was safe

Ahhh, the joys of sleep deprivation and early motherhood Grin I can totally imagine having this row with DP at that age while he looks at me like I've gone totally barking mental!

MrsGface · 30/01/2019 09:47

DC, without a shadow of a doubt. If there was a fire and I knew that my husband could get me or DC out, then I would be expecting that my time was up and that he’d save DC.
However if I was pregnant and he had a choice of me or unborn child, then I would expect him to pick me. Not sure what others would do there?

NameChangeNugget · 30/01/2019 09:59

DC. Without any hesitation

Scifi101 · 30/01/2019 10:00

@newnameforthis7

Why is it a strange thing to ask? Do you really think that every child grows up into a decent adult? That every child grows up likeable?

It has not been the case for me and if you read the relationship board you will see many children and parents do not like each other.

JaneHare · 30/01/2019 10:36

I typed a long reply which has been lost Confused Will do it again later but there's no sneering or contempt - just bemusement.

OutPinked · 30/01/2019 10:39

It’s a completely different love. I can’t say I would lie down and die for my DP, love him as much as I do because I would always be thinking my DC need me. Whereas I would die for my DC in a flash.

JulietAconite · 30/01/2019 10:41

Different type of love. But if there was ever some sort of situation where i had to choose between them ( whatever that could be???) , DCs every time.

Piffle11 · 30/01/2019 10:44

DC. And I've told my DH that I expect him to feel the same way about me and the DC! I can remember the all consuming love I felt for DC1, and when I was pregnant with DC2 thinking, Oh dear, how will I ever love a child as much as I love DC1? But you just do! It's like you produce more love, enough to go around. I remember watching a TV programme when I was around 9 years old: in it someone said 'you love your DC more than anyone' I asked my DM if that was true, and she said 'no, I love your DF more than I love you. He will always come first' . That was 40 years ago and I've never forgotten. It may be true (and her actions throughout my life show that it is) but I think she should have told a white lie!

ButtMuncher · 30/01/2019 10:50

My DS and DSS. I'd want DH to say the same thing.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 10:55

@planespotting @Pernickity1 @1Bobbinwinder Thank you so much for your posts. I've been sitting here weeping over this thread because I just don't feel that way. I love my daughter immensely and I feel a huge responsibility towards her, to the extent that I would absolutely die for her and she is my priority in all things. But I don't feel that all-consuming intense love that others describe - certainly no more than I feel for my husband. I had very severe PND and my daughter is only 1 so I'm hoping it's something that will come in time - it's certainly so far been a slow process of falling in love with her a bit more each day. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 30/01/2019 10:55

Piffle my parents very definitely loved/cared for each other more than their kids. They were quite victorian in their views and thought as long as were watered, fed etc we shou ld be okay but lacked that parental love that makes a child first.

In fact i suspect dad would probably think its damaging and spoiling!!!

Now dads new partner def comes first...

Separately i know some cons evangelical churches teach love for God, then partner then children.

stegosauruslady · 30/01/2019 10:55

Its different. DP is my partner, I can trust him to tell me if i'm being a dick and still love me, to work for our family with me and also I think he's smoking hot.

The DC I want to protect, look after and then send into the world to have lovely lives and be excellent humans. Totally different kinds of love.

Interestingly, DP got a bit upset about this after DS was born. In his words 'if this is what love is supposed to be like, I've never loved anyone before'. I reassured him (I have other DC) that its totally normal!

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 30/01/2019 10:57

What Trujay said ... that feeling when you check them at night ... it's almost primal, you feel it in your gut.
Both DH and I agree that each of us would save her from a burning house first, then each other.

Next bit could be triggering for some I apologise-

I had a miscarriage before DD came and knowing we only ever planned to have one child the thought she wouldn't be here had that first pregnancy gone to term makes me feel almost sick. A close friend of mine whose very spiritual said just that to me at the time, that the universe intended for us to have her. I found it very helpful and healing to think that.

formerbabe · 30/01/2019 10:58

No fucking way would I die for my partner.

I'd throw myself in front of a bus for my dc though.

SwimmingJustKeepSwimming · 30/01/2019 10:58

Peach - i fell in love with my first instantly. However i had a difficult birth with no2, separated at birth for a bit and i was physivally unwell for a while
For a long time i looked after her and felt protective but didn't have that same surge of love. I certainly do now and love them equally. Keep spending time reading and playing and doing the fun things together. As she grows im sure it will come mlre and more. Also dont be afraif to talk to the HV. It almost is certainly linked with the pnd and sometimes they have groups that can help bonding. I got given baby massage (but late for you!) to increase touch for example.

RussellSprout · 30/01/2019 10:59

DC without a doubt. They feel part of me in a way DH doesn't. I'd definitely run into the path of a speeding car to save their life.. DH, not so much.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 30/01/2019 11:01

Peach Thanks I'm sorry you've had a tough time . It does sound like you love her very much, she has a very strong mummy so she's probably going to grow up to be pretty bad ass! X

Binpedal · 30/01/2019 11:04

I would die for my children but I think it's too simplistic to simply compare two very different types of love. It's a bit childish almost. Who do you love more, na na na na na kind of thing.
I have three gorgeous children and I'd always put them first, yes because I love them so deeply and fiercely but also just because it's biological logic and the right thing morally.
However my DH fulfills my needs in such an important way so although if it was a choice of life and death, of course I'd put the kids first but I can't honestly say I love them more or less. Also I think it's valid to say it's different when your kids have grown and have their own life and it's more about you and your DH.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 11:07

@SwimmingJustKeepSwimming Yes I had a complex C-Section and was separated from DD at birth for almost 5 hours while I had more surgery. I literally saw her for a few seconds and then she was gone. It was a very physically traumatic birth and I was really unwell afterwards, to the point of almost needing hospitalisation. I've done all the "right things" - baby massage and groups and we have a lovely bedtime routine that I really enjoy - and I do feel so much better now, I love being a mum and can't imagine life without her. But the intensity of the love isn't the way so many people describe it here. I have moments like that, where I look at her and just think "what on Earth did I do to deserve such a wonderful gift?" but I feel the same way about my husband! I'm hoping it will come in time, and hopeful that I might get to experience that "rush" with a second baby.

peachgreen · 30/01/2019 11:08

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplands Thank you Thanks She is a very confident, happy little girl who seems very securely attached to me so I'm hopeful that it hasn't impacted her too much. But it's so hard!

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