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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you love your DP or DC more?

330 replies

MamaDane · 29/01/2019 21:56

Sorry if this question offends in any way or if it's painfully obvious.

Thing is, I'm pregnant (FTM) and in a relationship with the love of my life.

And I keep wondering how it would be possible to love my kids more than my partner.

I see my partner as my soulmate and the kids with eventually move out and have their own lives, where again it will just be the two of us, growing old together.

Anyone still with their DP and love them more?

Or still with DP and love their child/-ren the most?

OP posts:
Threefaries · 30/01/2019 21:35

The comments on this thread are making me well up. An ‘I love my husband ‘ thread would never do that.

Boxerbinky · 30/01/2019 21:36

It's a different love, but I definitely love my DS more, my dh would put him first too! It's something primal - once you open your heart to caring for a small human your world view changes.

I will say though, I actually love my dh even more now that he is a father, he has shown me a different side to himself. He is so gentle and I see the love he has for our ds and it melts my heart Grin

Kattyy · 30/01/2019 21:36

Pick DC. Even while he is going through a teenage angst and I don't really like him- I still love him.

Drogosnextwife · 30/01/2019 21:42

There's a difference. I will always love my dc's no matter what they do. DP could do a lot of things that would make me stop loving him.

Mummabear2212 · 30/01/2019 21:45

I love my DH without doubt. There was no one I could ever imagine loving more. Then I had DS. And now my heart is crawling outside my body. My love for him is unconditional and beyond compare. I still love my DH without doubt and hope we'll be together forever, but that love is conditional. He could do something awful, and in time I'd heal and move on. I'd throw my DH under a bus with a smile on my face if it meant saving DS. The love is instant and indescribable.

barkinatthemoon · 30/01/2019 21:45

DC no question about it. and DH would say the same. That love and drive to protect your children is indescribable, and in my case seems to grow each day. Once that defenceless tiny newborn is in your arms, depending on you for survival every minute of the day, your whole train of thought changes. All you think about is nourishing and providing for that baby that so desperately needs your love, comfort and nourishment, and I think this close dependence on you for life, helps create the overwhelming bond we feel as parents. Your feelings towards your partner won't lessen, but you'll have a new, more important focus, which brings overwhelming love. In a way it's more than love. If "love" is what we feel for our friends, partners, family members, then I think it's an entirely different indescribable emotion we have towards our children, as it is hugely more powerful and completely unconditional. They are the only beings on earth that I'd die for.

caringcarer · 30/01/2019 21:49

Wait until you have your baby in your arms and you will know. They are part of your soul and the feeling does not diminish even as they grow up into adults. You will find yourself doing anything to make them smile.

ItsMEhooray · 30/01/2019 21:58

DC and I know DH feels the same. When DS was born he told me how he would die for him in a heartbeat and he had never felt like that about anyone before. And rather than be offended I was just pleased to hear the strength of his love for my child.

My DS (20 months) is the only person in the world who can scream at me, throw things at me, vomit on me and smack me in the face and still have me love and adore him!

Lovingit81 · 30/01/2019 22:00

Ah OP you have such a wonderful journey ahead of you. You will find out soon.

Pernickity1 · 30/01/2019 22:08

I felt like that after DD1 was born Trd Flowers how old is your DC?

SouthernComforts · 30/01/2019 22:14

I'm glad I never read a thread like this one after I had dd, it would have destroyed me. (Well up until Pernickity1 posted!).

Dd didn't come home from hospital until she was 3 months old. Instead of a rush of love I got an EMCS and a rush of fear that she would die before I'd even seen her. Then she was in an incubator for weeks. My main emotion throughout her life has been worry. I had PTSD (I think) about her early years. I would absolutely die for her, but I've never had that instant bond like others, and that's ok too.

speakout · 30/01/2019 22:19

Wait until you have your baby in your arms and you will know.

Potentially damaging advice caringcarer

Earlywalker · 30/01/2019 22:24

Love for my DP doesn’t compare to the love for my DCs.
I agree with some pp though, I had quite a traumatic time with DC1 and to be completely honest I felt a sense of responsibility rather than obvious love for the first 3 months or so, it’s not always ‘instant’

icemaidens · 30/01/2019 22:43

As a PP has said DC, because I know I would be ok without DH (if I had to be) and I wouldn't be ok without DC

StarUtopia · 30/01/2019 22:45

DC and I genuinely think anyone who says DP before DC has got serious issues...My DP says the same....

123rd · 30/01/2019 22:51

A million times the DC over husband - and I would be kissed off if dh didn't answer the same

MoonlightMedicine · 30/01/2019 22:51

I love them all the same.

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 30/01/2019 22:56

Meh, it's all different isn't it? I love my husband cos he's bloody fantastic and I chose him and we've built a life together.

I love my kids but there is a lot of protectiveness that I feel as they're small and vulnerable and they need loving and protecting. My husband can protect himself!

The love to me feels completely different. And obviously I'd pick them, they need me, he doesn't.

I agree that it's not helpful to compare.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 30/01/2019 23:00

As so many others have said, I love my children more than my husband. It’s just a different love. My daughters are a little bit of my heart walking around.

Eatmycheese · 30/01/2019 23:03

No contest.
I love my DH but my children, well it's something else. And if he wasn't the same about them it would kill me. Fortunately he is. They are the distillation of our love and they are infinitely more precious

I could go on without him though it would be terribly sad and hard. But not without them.

showmeshoyu · 30/01/2019 23:06

And this is why so many partnerships fail when DC come along. One partner still wants to be the apple of their partner's eye, but another person has moved in who will always take priority, no questions asked. It makes sense l but I think a lot of people aren't prepared for how that will make them feel.

RagingWhoreBag · 30/01/2019 23:09

I'm raising my kids to spread their wings and spend their days with their own partners. Obviously when they leave home my love for them won't change but I know I'll cope without them being a daily presence in my life as long as they are happy and healthy in their lives, I don't think I could say the same about DH.

Bruthas, I totally get this. I mean if I wasn’t with my DP any more I’d probably move on eventually and hopefully meet someone else who made me feel like that, but if we’re in a relationship I need to see him every couple of days at least or I start to miss him dreadfully. Once my DCs are adults and living with their own partners and kids I’m sure I’ll be happy to see them every week or two,

shuthefrontdoor · 30/01/2019 23:10

Kids all the way. Although I do love my partner but it's a different type of love, your kids can't be replaced..

corythatwas · 30/01/2019 23:10

Don't have to choose. In an emergency I'd rescue whoever needed my help most & expect the same. Which would almost certainly mean me being rescued by my strong weight-lifting 18yo while dh gets to look after himself. Grin

And no, though I love dc dearly, I won't do anything to make them smile. I'm a person too with my own needs.

BlueEyedBengal · 30/01/2019 23:13

My kids will always come first and I have 6. I told my husband that if I ever had to choose between my kids and husband then he will be gone. In fact he knows that he comes after the cat in priority as the cat behaves and is more loyal than him.

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