AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I understand why your sister is pissed off but it's not your fault that her kids weren't born when your father wrote his will. You did nothing wrong in spending that money as your kids were specifically named beneficiaries. Does she know that your kids were specifically named and it wasn't a education-for-grandkids fund? There's not enough to educate 4 kids through secondary.

Out of interest, where is the idea of IF ANY inheritance is given it must be equal? Surely if someone wants to leave some personal items to family members and all the money to a cats home as long as they are in sound mind then it’s tough shit for everyone

Oh Jesus what a mess. I'm sorry to say I agree with other posters - legally you're in the clear but morally... I'm with your sister. I've got a sister and DN's, I could never imagine receiving that kind of money and not sharing it with them. And I'm not sure if I could ever make peace with my sister if she did that to my DC. Even split 4 ways, £135k is a life changing sum of money - uni fees totally paid for, or a deposit for a house. We're not talking about a couple of thousand.

The issue goes back to the will. My parents have already discussed this with my siblings and I (2 of us have kids, one doesn't) as they will be leaving sizeable inheritance when the time comes. It will be split evenly between us (adult) children, and it's up to me + my sister to distribute our share to the grandkids (my DC and DN's) as we see fit. For exactly this reason. You can't predict the future + money is messy.

The OP's Dad was at fault nothing to do with the OP, the kids were named. it didn't say to be shared with any other grandchildren that come along.
It's sad for the sister, but I don't see how she could expect a share of her nephews inheritance for education.

You cannot raise enough money from remortgaging your home t educate your sisters children. And then you will be saddled with tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt, essentially risking your own home. You must not do that, no matter how much moralistas on MN tell you to. If they were in your position now, they wouldn’t risk their home like that.

And she will probably still be pissed off with you even if you do it.

Your sister needs to understand your position. You’re a single mum and your dc are teenage and settled at a school, which actually is very important. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions. She repeatedly said she wouldn’t have kids ever.

Like I said. Shitty situation and no way to unpick. If you remortgage, you fuck your self over and it’ll never be enough. Everyone loses.

OP I think you're getting a very hard time for circumstances you did not create and for money you never asked for.

Plus I'm not convinced any Posters would 'in reality' remortgage their home to compensate a family member who did not benefit as much as themselves from a Family Will, years after the monies of the Will have been distributed.

It's a very difficult dilemma, but one only you and your Sister can work through.

You would no longer be my sister.

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong.

I think a poorly thought through and drafted Will has caused a big problem.

Personally, I would not be re-mortgaging or giving my sister any money if I was a single mum of 2.

It is sad, but there is no way I would be sacrificing my own financial security to maintain a relationship with anyone.

Again if the Will names the children specifically, the money is not the OP's to share. It belongs to them.

Do your calculations reserving money for future years include sixth form? Yours should have good GCSE''s and great study habits from 5 years of private teaching. They should be fine at a sixth firm or FE college and might well get better university offers if coming from the state sector.

That might be £40,000 which could be put in a school savings plan for the other two whole they make their way through state primary and buy them a good start at secondary. Your sister and her DH might be on better salaries, working full-time by then too.

Or, ad you are a single paren on one income, you could ask the current school about bursaries or fee reductions...either for the rest of the GCSE years or sixth form (maybe sports or subject bursaries) if you want them to stay private

I'd be jolly mad if my sibling took 135k and it was only used for his kids. I think you should have agreed a fairer solution at the time you inherited it if your sister already had kids or planned to. Very unfair of your dad to leave it to your kids and not consider your sisters. My in laws were mortified at the thought that my youngest child would not have the same money built up in the savings accounts they had for all my kids, and that they could die and she wouldn't have the same so they made sure all the kids had the same. Sadly they had both died by the time my DD 9 youngest) was eight but she has the same as the others.

Hindsight is a wonderfully thing yes your df could have left money to possible future grandchildren but he didn't.

Yes your sister could have spoken about it to you earlier but she didn't. Yes you could of thought when your child was enrolling oh baby is here better make sure there is some money aside.

But no one did and the situation now is what it is.

You say there is only enough money left to pay for your children to finish education what do you mean by that? GCSE's? A-level or degrees?

Remortgaging is a nice gesture but how much do you think you could free up realistically? And how many years at school would that buy? Because if it has cost your 135k for 2 children for 5 years I don't see how this will help apart from getting you in debt.

I think you need to take time and do some research and talk to your sister.

This doesn't sound like how a will is written they always add in all eventualities. I would reread the copy of the will the fact that she hasn't mentioned it makes me wonder if she believed it was in trust for "grandchildren". I mean the solicitor must have even contemplated you having more children. That's their job! Is this your interpretation of the will? Get a copy online, it's easily obtained once it goes through court and reread it. They may have mentioned your children in it but had clauses in it for more.

In terms of unfairness, this isn't actually that unusual. My DM is sharing her wordly goods equally between her children and grandchildren. Those who don't have children support this completely. Not that it would matter, as it is in my DM's gift to leave to whomever she wishes.

Likewise with the OP's father. Who knows what he was thinking. It isn't up the OP to second guess this. Legally, the money belongs to her DCs for their education. As their trustee, the OP is spending in their best interests as she sees them.

The money in the will is explicitly for my DC and I’m pretty sure there’s no way I can change that. I put my 35k into paying back my mortgage so my thinking is by taking that out and some I can at least give something to my sister.

Moving my children is something I really don’t want to do, as when I divorced and had no option but to move area, they subsequently moved schools abruptly and it hit them particularly hard. To do that again to them, especially with my eldest doing his GCSEs seems cruel.

I am desperate to rectify this and I haven’t done any of this with malicious intent. My dad would hate to think of the upset my sister is feeling, but because of what she’d always said regarding children, her age and her lifestyle he never would have thought to make assurances for any future grandchildren because he didn’t think there would be any.

At the time my sister announced she was pregnant, I didn’t even think to bring up education. She earnt good money, had a partner, and had a comfortable lifestyle.

I think you are incredibly selfish. You knew your sister had 2 children and yet gave them and her no thought. You have some heart searching to do in terms of how to fix this. It is the sort of money grubbing behavior on your part which can lead to a real falling out.

OP hasn't been clear on the wording of the will.

Was the 135k left separately and in trust for your children?

Or... was it simply left's as 35k to sister and 170k to you with an explanation stating that "35k is for X, and it is my wish that the extra 135k be used for the education of a and b".

If he left it all to you, with a little explanation then, when your sister had kids, you should have split the money and chosen a cheaper school or found a way to pay the difference. If it wasn't left in a trust for your kids, then you've been very unfair.

Your sister is a CF. Do not remortgage your house and put yourself in financial difficulties. None of this is your doing. It’s your kids money, not hers, and if she can’t deal with that without cutting you off then that’s her problem.

Hmmm.. I think it could have got all 4 through secondary private education (well almost). The school I went to is now £9k a year. This isn't including boarding or 6th form.

The OP cannot share the money left to her DC because it's not her money to share.

The beneficiaries of the Will are the OP’s children. It is not the OP’s money, she can’t give it away even if she wanted to.

This is a valid point, OP. Before doing anything, I'd strongly recommend getting some legal advice as you may not have been able to give any of the money to your sister's children anyway. Just because you're named as the administrator of "Billy's" inheritance doesn't mean you can give any of his inheritance of it to someone else.

Your Dad was v. shortsighted, but he didn't realise what a mess he was going to create. If the will had stated "Billy and Jane" and any future grandchildren, it would've been fine.

Less than 2 yrs after your ddad died she was pregnant, did it really never occur to you that he would have wanted that money to be split between all his dgcs?

This ^
I can't believe that it never crossed your mind how unfair it was that you got £170K and she got £35K at the time she told you she was pregnant.
At that point, your dc hadn't started at the school.
Ypu should have done the morally right thing and had an honest discussion with her, at that point, about what you know your Mum and Dad would have done, if they had foreseen the situation changing.

Quite frankly, your DDad was poorly advised, it would seem.

All that said, if the money is gone, then it is gone. I don't think it would be fair on your dc to pull them out of school 1/2 was through (though potentially after GCSEs?), so I don't see what can actually be done now, when you didn't do the right thing at the time you could have.

I think you should have agreed a fairer solution at the time you inherited it if your sister already had kids or planned to.

RTFT FFS (or at the very least the OPs updates!)

I must be in the minority here but imo the sister has no claim whatsoever. At the time of father's death the other two kids did not exist and are therefore not entitled to a penny.

OP please don't remortgage your house and put your kids at risk or move them out of school. Sister is being entitled!

OP, is the money held in trust for use specially on your children's education and are you then the trustee?

Or was it all left to you, with an explanation of why your father split it so unfairly?