AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Not all wills are written by solicitors. Even if they are, you can add any potty bequest you want - your solicitor can't stop you. If you think solictors have much say - you are quite wrong! They can only advise.

Agree that your dad has caused this mess and your sister should be angry at him, but is she confused about the detail of the will?

If you've just lost your dad and are single, are you going to remember specifics from the will, or a vauge 'money for grandchildren's education'. She may genuinely think that the terms of the will were 'for all grandchildren' and be cross that you've spent it all. If you have the paperwork still, you may need to send it to her so she can read it at her leisure rather than try to explain while she's angry.

When she’s calmed down, she’ll need to understand your dad was poorly advised and it’s not yours to give away. could you consider state 6 th form? Depending on your fees that would leave £40-60k and you could talk to your kids as they mature about whether they want to keep it for own uni education or share with their cousins for similar opportunities that they’ve experienced. Maybe that’s a tough ask of an 18 year old.

The OP did not inherit £170k. Her children were the named beneficiaries of the £135k.

Did the sister think there would be enough to fund her children from primary through to 6th form? How did she see this working? Surely she must have realised there was never going to be enough for that anyway.

This is why Wills need to be periodically reviewed and updated.

Difficult to do when you're dead.

Agree, it’s a badly written will that’s at fault here, not OP.

If your dc has been adults when the estate was distributed, would your DSis be chasing them for backpayment now? What difference does it make that they were minors, other than it would be easier to split their inheritance without their knowledge.

And no to the remortgaging idea. There’s no way I’d be risking my families security as a single mum to “correct” a wrong in someone else’s inheritance so that a double income family could afford a luxury like private school.

Do NOT remortgage your house. You don't owe her a penny - get a copy of the bloody will and send it to her to remind her of your father's wishes. He was not wrong to divide up his money in whatever way he chose. He could have left all his money to the local cat shelter if he'd wanted. Nobody has an entitlement to their parents Estate after they die. Your sister does not get to say what happens to the money left to you or your children. Stand up for yourself. If she chooses to ignore you then so be it. But you putting yourself further into debt by borrowing money to send her child to a private primary school is not going to salvage this relationship anyway.

OP if you are sincere in helping your dsis then you should start planning that your kids stop attending private school once GCSEs are over and that they do A-Levels in the state sector. Many private school kids do that swap at 16 which is far easier and smoother than pulling them out midway through a year.

You’re being very unreasonable and selfish. Your kids aren’t more important

OP hasn't been clear on the wording of the will.

Yes she has. Several times. She's clearly stated the £135k was left explicitly to her D.C. by name.

Also what if your sis has another baby. And another? Is she gonna keep coming back to you as her ‘share’ of your kids money should be bigger each time?

It's really really odd that you haven't considered your sisters position before now.

I would try to make things right with your sister but I don't think it is fair to move your children before sixth form. I would however send them to a state sixth form college. For the rest of the money I would remortgage now and plan to move to a cheaper/smaller place when the youngest leaves home.

Wow this is a difficult one. I can see it from both sides

As ChrisjenAvasarala just said, left in trust for "Billy and Jane" was what I meant, couldn't think of the term.

GoneForFood

Your sister is a CF. Do not remortgage your house and put yourself in financial difficulties. None of this is your doing. It’s your kids money, not hers, and if she can’t deal with that without cutting you off then that’s her problem.

Totally agree with this! No one has a magic ball to see how things will change in the furture. If you had another child you can go back in time and put aside some of this education money for a a imaginary child.

If your sister was that bothered then she should have brought it up years ago and now she’s demanding you move your children out of their school knowing what you’re been through

So it's worded 35k each and 135 k to your children? Or 170k to you for the use of 135 towards your children's education? So left in trust or given to you in total so you can access is when you want?

It’s a messy situation but not really the OP’s fault.

In London, for example, that money would only be enough for one child to go to a private school. The money should have gone into a trust to pay for extras, such as tutoring, etc for all the children.

OP hasn't been clear on the wording of the will.

She has said several times the money was left to her children by name.

No on can tell you what to do op but what would 35k buy near you in terms of education because unless it is comparable to what your children got is that going to be enough for dsis? Or are you just going to saddle yourself with debt and no solution?

Do not remortgage your house OP. The money was left to your kids not you. You are not allowed to touch it - only on your kids behalf.

I do think you are getting a particularly hard time here which is not of your own doing.

I've seen a lot of posters say that the OP had no choice other than to spend on her kids alone because that's what the will stipulated.

Actually wills can be altered as long as all beneficiaries agree and it's done within two years of the death. My family did this to pass my gran's legacy directly to her grandchildren instead of to her children. It's called a Deed of Variance.

I'm not sure if the sister's child was born within two years of the dad's death, and obviously it's far too late for this particular method now.

However, so many people seemed to think it's not possible to change the terms of a will that I'm adding the info as a general comment.

www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/personal-finance/inheritance/deed-of-variation-changing-a-will-after-death

The time for splitting the 135k was when the Will was written or the OP (or her sister) could have contested it when it was read.

It is too late for your sister to get any of your DC's money legally.

Taking them out of school or whatever will only mean that the DC has more funds left. It will not free up the money for the sister's DC.

The only way the OP can give her sister money is to give her her own money, the 135k is not available to the OP for this.

(Obviously I am going on what the OP has written here, in that the children were named in the Will - I am unclear on whether there was a direction that the funds be used for their education).

It doesn't matter how everyone feels about this. It is not (and never was) the OP's money to share.

raver123 i agree. Op needs to reread the will. If she was executor and has the funds then legally she may not be ok. If future grandchildren are mentioned then she may have to remortgage in any event as the money has been abused. This would make sense as the sister has mentioned anything until now. Why? Has she just been assuming OP has access to the pot of money for her children too?

I think you should have thought ahead and kept back some cash just in case.

Am I the only person thinking what a waste of money? Maybe I’m just lucky that the state secondary schools where I live are good and outstanding

OP what would you have done if you had gone on to have a third child?

State school as fees were only for Child 1 & 2?

We had something similar in our family. The children were named in the will. No trust set up for all future children. I happened to be pregnant when the relative died (great grandmother) and as the will specified named children, my youngest did not inherit. It’s sad, but that’s the way it is. We could not reasonably go to everyone else who inherited and say they needed to give some of their money to our daughter.

If your father wanted all his grandchildren to inherit, he could’ve instead put the money into a trust for all future grandchildren. He didn’t. He specifically named your children. The money belongs to your children.

Additionally, you could have decided to enroll your children in private school as soon as the inheritance was paid but you chose to wait for secondary school (and perhaps put remainder towards uni fees). What your sister is suggesting would also mean her children get a bigger slice (to which they’re not even entitled as they did not inherit.

It’s not a pot for all the children, just yours.

It’s not really your call as it’s your children’s money, they inherited it. Not you nor your sister.

Did your sister save her 35k to go towards her children’s Education? That could go a long way towards secondary private school fees if she invested it and it grows over the years until they’re ready to go to private secondary school.