AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Your father’s will was sub-par. But I believe this issue occurred to you as soon as your sister had her first child and you ignored it hoping it would never become ‘a thing’.

That’s now a huge issue. It’s very hard - you either do over your sister, or take your kids out of their school. You could have avoided this but you chose to chance it.

What would your father want the money to be spent on?

Rectifying it is saying to the sister I understand the emotions you are feeling but you must understand that there is nothing anyone can do.

If the sister then decides to nuke the relationship then I personally think that makes her a CF.

Honestly if I was your Sister, I would be annoyed but not at you and just accept that I was unlucky and foolish for saying I wouldn't have children. I would never expect you to take your children out of their school or for you to remortgage your house.

Not the point of the thread but sounds like she wants to send her children to private school straight away? Surely she would know that £67.5k would never get 2 children though primary and secondary anyway?

@Banana8080 the sister has a copy of the will. 100% of this is on her. It was never OPs responsibility to look into her children's money.

I think if your sister had children ten years later then it wouldn't have looked so bad. But the fact your sister was pregnant with her first before any of the education money had been spent then it should have been looked at then. So sad to see a family fall apart over money

Oh and even if you could work all that out, and give the hardworking one most of the money, probably at least one will complain.

Rectifying it is saying to the sister I understand the emotions you are feeling but you must understand that there is nothing anyone can do.

If the sister then decides to nuke the relationship then I personally think that makes her a CF

Exactly!!!!!

@Cbstothinkofaname, that is a DIFFERENT clause. And makes no provision for any grandchildren unless your child is dead before you die yourselves. The OPs father wanted to provide something to his grandchildren in his will.

This is a massive lesson in why you should consider the impact of last wishes properly. My children have recently come into an inheritance at a point my sister and I had an unequal numbers of children and I was pregnant. The will made provisions to ensure things were made even if I had further children. Your father would have been better leaving things jointly to you and your sister rather than trying to create conditions for a pot of money that was relatively small (in trust terms).

I think you have to accept you’re in a mess now. Legally the money is your children’s and I don’t think it is fair to ask them to hand over their share at 18 or pull them out of school. Morally i think you need to think about how you could get some money to your sister to even things up. She is unreasonable though to demand primary education. If you could save money or remortgage to try and pay her back in time for secondary that might be a compromise.

Unfortunately the £135k was never going to go far in terms of private education and would have never done 4 kids. Near me days schools at secondary are around £20k. You were lucky it’s done 2 children to be honest.

@daduck

Where did I say that?
My DB happens to be feckless.

I mentioned that my DM's solicitor told her she needs to tell us about the arrangements before she dies, to avoid further acrimony.
The only thing I implied with reference to you was that therefore your DF may have been told to do likewise - not that he or your DB are rubbing your noses in it now.

Please stand firm, OP. Your sister is a CF don't let your BiL persuade you otherwise.

You are a single mother doing her best for her DCs. They are a married couple already better off than you are. They can pay for it themselves. Please don't let BiL talk you into anything, I fear that's what he plans to do. I wouldn't go.

What would your father want the money to be spent on?

X and Ys education. Which is why he left them the money.

My father’s will bequeathed money to his widow, his two children, and the remainder of his estate went into trust to be split between his two children and my eldest (and then only) dc upon the widow’s death. The solicitor obviously cocked up and my daughter was named with nothing to include any future children. My dad died suddenly, at 63, 5 years before my 2nd DC appeared.
The result is DC1 will inherit at least £300,000 and DC2 nothing from DF’s estate. The trustees can’t just go reallocating it.
I have tried to remedy the inequality in my own Will, with DC1’s agreement, but of course DC2 could be 60 before inheriting. I will ensure DC2 is supported as much as possible of course, but OP’s situation is different. She didn’t inherit a huge amount directly and isn’t a high earned and asset rich. I don’t think she should remortgage her house and give her DSis money, they inherited equally.

She can’t just divvy up her own dc’s money to her sister’s dc. It’s shit and unfair, but it’s not her fault.

Taking her children out of their schools at this point is an unacceptable risk and goes against the spirit and intent of their father’s Will. DSis’s children won’t benefif from private education, but at least they can have stability at the schools they attend and won’t be wrenched away from friends and familiarity for financial reasons.
Life isn’t always fair. I know step families where older or younger siblings are privately educated because mum or dad can afford the fees but resident parent and partner can’t afford them for their children together.
The family I know best in this situation seem to have no resentment. The children are all close and the younger (full) siblings are doing well at their state schools.
Your relationship may not be recoverable whatever you do, please don’t make your family less financially secure and change your children’s schools. It’s not fair but it’s not reasonable for it to fall to you to make reparations.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, the dad may well have only wanted to provide for the grandchildren he had had a relationship with. We don’t know.

The will is all there is and it is clear. Money in trust for Jack and Jill. Not money for OP to spend on Jack and Jill, money in trust for Jack and Jill.

This thread is nuts. OP has followed her DF's wishes. Why should she now remortgage her house and give her sister 67k? OP doesn't say how old she is but that may still have her paying off her mortgage into retirement and unable to help her kids through uni if they go.

As for the "you e wasted all that money" on private school argument, if you've got fantastic state schools near you then yes, I'd agree. The nearest state school near me had a GCSE pass rate of 17% for several years, just now climbing a bit but if that was the one I was allocated then I'd sure as hell try to send kids private.

How can you put a limited education fund for future GC also-unless is was much more than was left?

Tbh I'd be really pissed off if my dad left me a paltry £35k & more than four times that to spend on my kids in a way that I might not want it spending on them.

Despite many stating the contrary, the OP has made it quite clear that the £135k was left specifically to GC1 and 2 to be used on their education. It was not left to the OP to be used FOR the GC
Sister A and B got £35k each.
The value of any estate therefore the value if any bequests is unknown until probate and can only be estimated
It's not clear if the money in the estate was divided on a % basis (65% to the named grandchildren, remaining 35% to daughters)
or
Specified sum to GC of £135k and balance divided between OP and sister
or vice versa- Sum specified to OP and sister, balance to GC
The latter 2 ways can result in wildly different amounts being left compared to what the Testee planned when the Will was written

she should have had a discussion and offered a fair share.

A fair share of what? She has £35k the same as her sister. She couldn't offer a share of anything else.

Because how else do you think that Op can magic up the money. She can not touch her children's money. So it has to come from her own pocket. And how is that fair?

She used the £35,000 she received to pay of some of the mortgage. She can remortgage and give her sister that. She wouldn't be any worse off than she would have been had she not received and inheritance. I'm not saying that she has to do that but it will even things up a bit and is all she can do. I would do that in her situation I think.

What a dreadful situation to be in with no winners.

The fact of the matter is she is asking you to hand over your children's inheritance now she has children.

The money your dad left, unless it was specifically stipulated that it was to be used for the children's education, could have been utilised by your dc when they were adults for a house deposit etc.

You could say tough luck to your sister but I wouldn't.

I would get together with her, do the maths and make an offer but,asking it very clear that all of this is your dads fault!

She wouldn't be any worse off than she would have been had she not received and inheritance.

She would be significantly worse off than her sister.

Be careful @LadyDracula, if it can be traced that your children had money but gave it away before applying for financial support for university, the answer is likely to be no.

Tbh I'd be really pissed off if my dad left me a paltry £35k & more than four times that to spend on my kids in a way that I might not want it spending on them.

I would too. It was really not a good Will however you look at it.

@LadyDracula Please think very very carefully before you try and put pressure on your own children to give away some of their trust money. Firstly, as trustee, you have a duty to administer the trust in accordance with the law. Secondly it is appalling that your children may be pressured by their aunt and then their own mother to enrich their cousins. You are a single mother. You will not be able to support your children in higher education in the same way that you sister can if only she works, as you do, full time.

Don't let your children be caught up in your sister's selfishness. You'd be teaching them that it's OK to be a doormat.

She would be significantly worse off than her sister.

Not if the sister used the money to help pay for her own children's education which I assume is what she intends to do!