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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

999 replies

LadyDracula · 29/01/2019 21:56

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 30/01/2019 10:14

errrr I would never be able to have a relationship with my selfish sister who expected me to remortgage for her own benefit

The sister isn't demanding that though is she. She just wants what she considers an equal share of the inheritance. OP obviously can't give her that but she could even things out a bit by giving her the money she received in the will. I realise that she doesn't have to do this legally but it isn't a lot of money to keep a good relationship and prevent what I think is understandable resentment.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 10:14

@mummy2three2014 are you a medium?

How can you speak for her father?
Maybe b
He knew that more children could appear. But those children were not comparable to the ones he had seen born.

Why should SILs kids benefit from a man they never met?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 10:15

@Dungeondragon15 the sister is an Idiot who never read the will then.

Because how else do you think that Op can magic up the money. She can not touch her children's money. So it has to come from her own pocket. And how is that fair?

Stressedout10 · 30/01/2019 10:16

So sorry that your in this situation op
However since the will specifically named your children only then it's not possible for you to share it with your sister it's not your money it belongs to your children what she is demanding is theft from your children that's wrong if she wants her kids in private school she can work ft and pay for it herself ffs

SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 10:16

Your relationship with her right now has a value of £67500

How do you envisage her paying that when her inheritance was only £35k?

Loungewearfan · 30/01/2019 10:16

Why should SILs kids benefit from a man they never met?

That is an awful thing to say

user1474894224 · 30/01/2019 10:17

Sorry I haven't read every comment. But YANBU. Your father left his money to his loved grandchildren. End of. He didn't have any other grandchildren he loved....as there weren't any. If he'd wanted it split equally he would have left more to her in the first place. Honour his wishes. Hold your head high. I hate people's belief they are entitled to someone else's stuff.....just because he was family it gives her no 'right' to his legacy. It wasn't her money. It's not yours either. It's your children's money and you are doing right by them.

Mummylovesbags · 30/01/2019 10:18

You can't take your kids out of their schools at this point. I think you should have thought about your sister's future children/change of situation when she was planning on having children/pregnant/partnering up etc. However you didn't and it would achieve little to pull two teenagers out of their schools.

The only solution I could think of is contributing what you can afford to your Niece and Nephew's education on a weekly basis. You could think of this as continuing your Dad's legacy and building a stronger family/future generation.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 10:18

@Loungewearfan Why? Wills are literally legal documents where an individual chooses how to gift money to their loved ones.

The Sisters children were not loved ones. He had dreams for OPs children. I have no doubt that any decent solicitor would have mentioned future children.

There is nothing wrong with him prioritising the children he saw and loved.

Santaclarita · 30/01/2019 10:18

@RedDwarves - actually you can, "all surviving children".

He didn't put that though. He named them. Because the SISTER told everyone she didnt want children, she liked having no responsibilities.

lazymare · 30/01/2019 10:19

isn't a lot of money to keep a good relationship and prevent what I think is understandable resentment.

I'm not sure there will be a good relationship now that the sister is prepared to damage the OP's children's education.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/01/2019 10:20

And if her kids didn't want to go to uni?? Or you know if they would rather get a loan to pay the fees which amounts to small loan repayment after graduation, which has the potential to be written off after 30 years? Far better prospect to spend it on a better form of mandatory education that the kids have no option not to attend.

It wouldn't have to be fees. If they used to the money live will in some form of education (whether or not uni) they would probably have kept to the father's wishes. It would obviously depend on the exact wording of the will but that is what my DB and SIL are doing with the money (SIL siblings are using it for private education).

Santaclarita · 30/01/2019 10:20

Loungewearfan

Why should SILs kids benefit from a man they never met?

That is an awful thing to say

Why? I've never met you, give me some money when you die please. I could be related to you, you don't know. Or I could marry into your family after you die. Make provisions for me.

daduck · 30/01/2019 10:21

I think the relationship is toast whatever happens. And the blame for that lies with the now dead father.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 10:21

So Danny Dyer has ties to Royalty.

When's Liz going to hand him a few million?

mummy2three2014 · 30/01/2019 10:21

Contraceptionismyfriend no I'm not a medium maybe just someone with mortals! Your last comment says it all really!

All I hear is the op going on about her sisters house car job partner......

Her sister was pregnant before her kids had even started private education therefore at that point she should have had a discussion and offered a fair share.

Her dad clearly didn't take the job car partner house into consideration when he left the sisters an equal amount. The op knows this herself!

Dungeondragon15 · 30/01/2019 10:21

I'm not sure there will be a good relationship now that the sister is prepared to damage the OP's children's education.

Yes, I agree that is an outrageous suggestion but it seems that OP still wants to keep a good relationship so people are basing their suggestions on that.

starryeyed19 · 30/01/2019 10:22

Genuinely not understanding this whole "It's unfair" business. The OPs sister didn't have children whilst her father was alive, yes? Is he supposed to have made provision for imaginary grandchildren?

This is utterly ridiculous. Morally and legally, the OP is in the right here and shouldn't have to do anything in the way of providing her sister with any money. Their father drew up the will. There really isn't anything else to discuss. Fair enough if someone was very financially hard up, you MIGHT want to discuss it but when you've both had £35k and the rest of the money is specifically set aside for X and Y? Jog the fuck on.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/01/2019 10:23

@mummy2three2014 no he didn't. But he did take into account that he loved his two living grandchildren. And that they were his main priority.

So sister gets nothing more.

Auntiepatricia · 30/01/2019 10:23

@MRex, do you not understand this point! All surviving children was the two children that received the money! So your ‘provision’ would have had the exact same outcome.

yummumto3girls · 30/01/2019 10:24

My experience of Wills has resulted in complete family breakups, why any parent would leave siblings different amounts is beyond me and in my (significant) experience causes family feuds. I totally get where your sister is coming from, if the shoe was on the other foot you would be fuming to. Why did you not save the money for University fees? It seems rather extravagent to have spent it on secondary. I think you either need to offer her something or lose your sister - your choice!

AhNowTed · 30/01/2019 10:24

The OP has acknowledged that she would be upset if the shoe was on the other foot.

OP I hope you can find a way to rectify this clearly unfair situation and preserve your relationship with your sister.

EngagedAgain · 30/01/2019 10:24

Red dwarves, has a great point. It's like saying 'in twenty years time my 5 year old grandchild, might have 3 children, but one of them will be a waster, one will make alot of money and the other will work hard but struggle'.

Everanewbie · 30/01/2019 10:24

I'm so irrationally furious about this on OPs behalf. Both sisters w ere treated equally. The grandchildren were provided for. They are their own people. OP just administers the money because the kids aren't old enough to do it themselves. Any money that the grandkids get is no fucking business of the sister and nothing to do with the OP beyond her 'management' role.

I have a tiny bit of sympathy for the sister given that her kids wont have the same advantages, but a reasonable human will see that there isn't anything that can be done about it, and its just one of those things in life. Not OPs fault of problem.

Cbatothinkofaname · 30/01/2019 10:26

I cannot fathom why a parent would name individual children in a will. It’s perfectly straightforward and the fairest thing to do to just have the general clause about ‘all surviving children.’ My will (and dh’s) don’t name our children individually. It’s just clear that everything is split equally, and that in the event of any of our children not surviving us, their share would be split equally between any children they may have. No names. No specified number of potential grandchildren. Because it doesn’t take a huge amount of foresight to see that grandchildren could be born after our deaths and that if they had been born earlier, we would love and value them equally to existing grandchildren.