AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I don't think you ABU....this really is a tough one but, as you stated, had your sister had her children at the time your father passed away, you feel sure he would have made equal provision for them too. So if you and your sister had each been bequeathed £67,500 specifically to go towards supporting your respective children's education, how would you both have managed that, given it is an insufficient sum of money to fund private education from primary through to A levels and then uni? I very much doubt your sister would have elected to use that money to send her children to private school as of the age of 5! Your own choices may also have been very different.

Her suggestion that you move your children from their school given they are in the middle of their GCSEs is completely ridiculous.

You seem very keen to do the right thing by her, if you can, in the interests of keeping your relationship. If the solicitor tells you that you cannot touch the funds because they belong to your children, you may need to look at a future solution. By the time your sister's older child is ready for secondary school, your youngest will have finished with school and may be looking at uni. At this stage, you may be able to release some equity from your house to pass £67,500 plus interest to your sister for her to use for her children's education but only as of secondary. This way both sets of children will have had access to the same level of support. (I am not sure what the fixation is with private school anyway: a good state school plus the option to fund some private tuition for any areas of weakness in either teaching or learning will deliver just as good an education as any private school but perhaps the state provision where you are is not as good as it might otherwise be.)

This situation cannot be resolved 100% fairly on either side and you will both have to compromise: as many have pointed out, life isn't fair! Your father made his will believing your sister when she'd said she was single, focusing on her career (I am guessing earning a good salary?) and didn't want children. You are a single parent of teenagers and sole breadwinner for your family. She has a husband and 2 incomes. She wants to access private education for her kids from the age of 5, your own have accessed it only from secondary. You have had access to £135,000 upfront, she will only have £67,500 upfront. She could still have more kids so her £67,500 would be even more thinly spread or would she want the pot divided equally between all the grandkids?? How would that work? If you remortgage in a few years to pay her what would have been her share, something tells me you will be worse off than she currently is. None of this is ideal but I am sure you can both work something out that approximates to what you know your father would have wanted. It helps that you get on well with your BIL: if communication with your sister becomes too fraught, maybe see if he will hear you out, and any suggestions you have to resolve this.

I hope the solicitor's appointment goes well and he clarifies the terms of the will and whether there is an option to share what's left with your sister. Not wishing to be morbid, but I do think any agreement you finally come to should be in writing as there could be a future change in both your families that might mean the money cannot be used to support your father's grandkids education.

Best of luck!

Arguably OP was a "moron" too though to not discuss this with her sister when she had her first child. It's not fair that her children have received money but not her siblings children and as she said it isn't what her father would have intended. I don't think that anybody (OP, her father or sister) were very sensible about this but they are where they are now. OP doesn't have to do anything about it but she will probably never have a good relationship with her sister if she doesn't so it is up to her to decide on what is more important.

Why should she? It wasn't left to her, it was left to her children. Arguably, why didn't the sister demanded money from them since its theirs, if you want to be legally correct?

It's the sisters fault if they don't have a good relationship now. Why should op put herself into debt because of her? Why should the kids give their cousins the money? What if they don't want to? I wouldn't.

OP, please don’t give your sister any gesture or put your children under any pressure to give a gesture of money under these circumstances. That would be lovely IF it would be understood by your sister that it’s precisely that and stop this unfair, revolting attitude she has exhibited. I say that as your children would lose out for precisely nothing as she won’t appreciate it or understand it.

It’s not your money op to give away - you can’t spend your children’s inheritance in this case as it would be illegal

The Will stated the money was left to A and B - I think it would be hard to change anything now.

Sadly dad wasn't well advised, he could have said left to all and any future grandchildren.

But he didn't.

I think to contest the will now would cost a lot of money.

Honestly, whilst it may be unfair, tough luck?

The will was written and dealt with before your sister's children were even a thought.

You could speculate as to why your father wrote it as he did, maybe it's because he knew your children, maybe it's because he didn't think your sister would settle down and have kids, maybe it's because you are a single mum. Maybe this, maybe that. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter.

£135k for private education is not likely to fully cover two children. It would maybe cover two years of tuition for four children.

Your sister is insane to be considering private pre-prep, prep and then secondary education. If she needs the financial help to get through pre-prep and prep, maybe it's not something she should be doing. She can't afford it. She should start saving now for secondary school instead of trying to pull your eldest child out of school during critical exam years. This just makes me think she is irrational, or rather is actually just being selfish about this all. Because you can't compare a 15/16 year olds education to a 4 year olds.

Whilst if this had all been discussed before when your sister first got pregnant, how much of a difference would a cheaper school have really made? You may not have really saved much.

Definitely do not remortgage. Your relationship has been damaged no matter how much money you throw at it now. Why make yourself financially unstable when this is not guaranteed to help?

I don't think you're morally or legally wrong to be honest.

Legally - it was left to your two children. There is nothing else she can do.

Morally - your father probably wouldn't have split the amount with the specific instruction as he would have known 67k each isn't enough to put two children through on your side and however many she has. So he used his basic instinct to say 'I want X & Y to go to private school'. Otherwise there wouldn't have been enough and they wouldn't get to go full stop. What would have happened if you had a third child? It most likely wouldn't have gone to private school, or you would have sold up.

Your sister is being unfair in expecting you to do anything. It's an unfair situation but not any one's fault.

Just want to add - if you're thinking of 'paying her off' so you keep the relationship with her, I think you'll just end up resenting her. If she's the one saying give me money or we won't have a relationship anymore, that's essentially blackmail! She could have put her 35k towards school fees. Why should you have to pay for your dn/n school fees when without the inheritance your children wouldn't have had a private education?

Why should she? It wasn't left to her, it was left to her children.

Err.. because she wants a good relationship with her sister?!! It has nothing to do with being "legally correct" it is to do with wanting to keep the family you have. She may not legally have to do anything but the situation is infair and could create a rift which the OP is obviously keen to avoid. People are making suggestion on that basis rather than on what legally has to happen. I wonder what kind of relationship those who say she should just ignore her sister have with their own siblings..

Op's DF made an assumption before he died, leaving money in a trust to his only existing GC. Unfortunately, his assumption turned out to be wrong. Crappy for the new GC but the OP has done nothing wrong and cannot give money that is her dc's to someone else.

@Dungeondragon15 errrr I would never be able to have a relationship with my selfish sister who expected me to remortgage for her own benefit

YANBU OP....
So sorry your sister has decided to cause you a lot of stress about all of this situation. You have done nothing wrong at all no matter how she sees things.

Wow! I’m a bit at these replies op.

It was your dad’s money to do with as he wanted.
He left £135k to your children specifically. There isn’t a legal leg to stand on here. She should have spoken to your dad about future grandchildren if she wanted to.

I can see it feels unfair on her but people don’t generally write will thinking about all eventualities after they die.

She has unrealistic expectations and I don’t think these can be managed. You should speak to a lawyer.

Money should have been saved and used for uni fees in any case

And if her kids didn't want to go to uni?? Or you know if they would rather get a loan to pay the fees which amounts to small loan repayment after graduation, which has the potential to be written off after 30 years? Far better prospect to spend it on a better form of mandatory education that the kids have no option not to attend.

@drspouse my father is doing it because of our refusal to support his appalling treatment of our now deceased mother and the fact that we called him out on it.

Brother who is being left everything lives abroad and hasn't seen father (other than mother's funeral) in years and they speak rarely ( every other month) but brother wasn't there for the shitty end of mother's end (literally - she had bowel cancer) and therefore wasn't involved in any argument.

Your insinuation that me and my other sibling who were there and cared and did the grunt work of caring for my mother are somehow feckless is frankly despicable.

So your sister has known a long time? Now decided to bring it up. Yes it seems unfair, but weighing it all up things are pretty much equal. Things like sister giving the impression she weren't having children. If it comes to it just give her what you can afford out of the money that's left.

I've been thinking about this overnight, and I don't honestly think there's a solution to this. It's your dad's fault for not thinking ahead, and I think the only thing you could have done at the time was to keep it all until your oldest were 18 (for university and, perhaps, towards a house deposit) but with the thought that, were your sister to have children, you'd sit down with your DC and discuss it with them.

For those who think the sister is being rude and grabby, another viewpoint:

I'm not that far off 39. Long-term single (sort of), and no desire for a baby. The bit about the baby, at least, that's what my family (and most of the people I know) think. The truth is I'd love a baby but the chances of it happening are slim. It's far easier, and less risky, to say I don't want one than to potentially open my heart and risk being hurt.

I imagine that, when she fell pregnant she assumed her child would be treated the same as yours. You hadn't spent the money, and she no doubt thought you'd be generous and, somehow, find a way to give her child the same. Also, in her shoes it would have been painful not only that you had children, but to see my father treat them when he was alive, thinking that she'd never see that with her own children (which she didn't).

I suspect that her reaction isn't just to what she's found out, but to what she's gone through for years before. But, as I said to start with, I don't think there's much (if anything) you can now do to rectify it.

@LadyDracula - please don't put it on your poor children to try to make this right. YOU spent the money without thinking about your sister's family, not your children but you; they is how you compounded the error made by your father. Your children do not have any moral responsibility here except out of embarrassment that you won't put this right. Why do you think you can't manage to give your sister a single penny in the next 7-16 years when her kids will be in school as that seems like a long time? Your relationship with her right now has a value of £67500; a solicitor can't change that value, just decide if you want to pay it or not have her. You could see it as your own contribution to your children's education (most people buy their own kids' uniforms!).

You can't make provisions for potential people in a will, so your sister's feelings, while easy to empathise with, don't count for much when it comes to the reality of this situation.

I think you know yourself that some money should go towards your sisters kids. Had they been around when your dad was alive the money would have been split evenly and I doubt the fact they are in a certain type of house would have made a difference to him. Unfortunately I'm with your sister on this one and whilst I get there's nothing that can be done in law I think morally I would as I would know that my dad would have loved my niece and nephew just as much as mine. I think you would need to be prepared to be strong minded because I suspect that you may loose your sister over this!

@RedDwarves - actually you can, "all surviving children".

Her children have received £135,000 though. It won't make things equal but will make things a little fairer and that is all she can do.

You think it is fairer for the OP to make herself financially worse off to give her "wealthier" sister money?

RedDwarves and her analysis of how to make a will is what i'm talking about in my previous post. Too many people posting without a fucking clue what they are talking about.

OP, speak with your solicitor, don't give yours or your childrens money away to your batshit sister. And don't listen to the fucking idiots on here saying you have done even the slightest thing wrong.

Err.. because she wants a good relationship with her sister?!! It has nothing to do with being "legally correct" it is to do with wanting to keep the family you have. She may not legally have to do anything but the situation is infair and could create a rift which the OP is obviously keen to avoid. People are making suggestion on that basis rather than on what legally has to happen. I wonder what kind of relationship those who say she should just ignore her sister have with their own siblings..

So to keep her sister happy, op has to go into a large amount of debt? I'm sure her father would be thrilled with that.

You can make provision for potential children in a will if it is put in to a trust specifically for the education of future children. It then gets invested and divided as each child is born. That’s what should have happened, I think maybe the sister assumed had been set up.
It’s an incredibly unfair situation and I can see why she feels upset.