AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Exactly. Her children! Op will never benefit from that money but you expect her to remortgage her house and possibly put herself in permanent financial hardship for the rest of her life?

It depends on how you look at it. If my parents gave my children money, I would see it as money I didn't need to give them myself so it does benefit me.

Get the will out and have another look exactly what it says. She must have known how much was left for your kids education - she would be a dunce to think £135k was going to cover 7 high school years of private education for 4 children. I think she might be chancing it. Honestly, no-one with a brain would suggest you take a settled kid out of school during their GCSES. Get the will - send her a copy with a letter saying you are really upset she feels this way but you were just following your dad's wishes and you hope she can see that.

No! Because presumably if OP didn't have the money her children would've gone to state school.

The OPs father sounds vile.

No he doesn’t. You, however do.

Okay so after a restless night I have gotten off the phone with the solicitors and have an appointment with them on Friday. As thought, I am the trustee of the amount left, the beneficiary’s to the large sum are specifically named as X and Y within all documentation they have, with the stipulation that this money to be spent on education. The lady on the phone said she couldn’t give any indication of what the next steps could be and hence why I am meeting the solicitor on Friday.

I clearly know there’s a moral grey area hence why I posted this thread initially. I know that I would be pretty miffed if the shoe was on the other foot and that’s why I know I need to rectify this some how, some way.

I messaged my BIL this morning who has said I can come round this afternoon for a chat when my sister is at work. BIL and I are close, yet I am aware he more than likely is biased as it’s regarding his wife and children.

For those asking, I had only intended to educate my children privately until end of KS4 and then state 6th form or college. I had then accounted a small amount (10k) towards their university/HE costs such as housing, resources etc. I have been doing the maths last night (loosely in my tired and confused mindset) and due to my financial situation and household income my children could be eligible for financial support in the form of grants and bursaries. If on Friday I confirm that upon the age of 18 my children can control the remaining funds, my children could then give the remaining money to their cousins. Again not a lot, but a gesture from one cousin to another.

I am just going to have to wait and see what BIL says and confirm everything with the solicitors on Friday.

For those of you questioning why I mention her living situation in comparison to mine, I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and because they’re nothing I can do, I suppose is my way of trying to tell myself she will be okay and didn’t need it anyway. If I could split it I would but I can’t.

If my parents gave my children money, I would see it as money I didn't need to give them myself so it does benefit me.

You are assuming the OP would have privately educated with or without this inheritance and given the amount of money the OP is talking about being able to remortgage, I think we can safely assume she wouldnt have done as it would have been unaffordable for her.

So your argument still doesnt stack up.

Gcse's are worthless in the real world anyway. Same as A-levels.

It’s not about the qualifications though. It’s about having more resources, more individual attention due to being in a smaller class and more support to achieve highly. Plus more opportunities for extra curricular activities and more networking opportunities with kids who are likely to become successful. Not to mention being removed from the negative element that tends to be present in state schools.

Do not ever let your sister put pressure on your children.

That is their money. And I'm sorry but there is no way in hell I would've handed over thousands to my cousins. They never met the man!! They have no tie to him.

Also, Dsis has seen the will, has a copy and this isn’t anything new to her. That’s why I was so taken aback when she asked me in the first place. That’s why it has never been mentioned before this weekend. I was under the impression we were all very clear on the matter.

MsTSwift exactly.

I actually can’t comprehend making a will which doesn’t leave everything shared equally between our children. I would never stipulate anything about grandchildren, because my children might decide to have them, they might decide not to have them, they might not be able to have them ...

The only way I can even remotely imagine making a will treating my children so differently is if there was some absolute cast iron reason for it.... it’s hard to even think of such a scenario but I suppose if one child had benefited massively earlier on (eg if one child lived at home rent free to age 40 or something.) In that case It would be more a case of evening things up rather than being unfair.
To make a will like that on the basis of one child having two children already (presumably quite young, given the stages the kids are at educationally) and the other child not having children yet, is quite frankly a vile thing for a parent to do. Even if one child says they aren’t planning to have children, the point is, it’s a complete unknown. They may meet a partner in future. They may change their mind about children.

It’s just a disgusting way to treat your own flesh and blood

Wow! Don't blame your sister for blowing her top. Sorry OP. But you have been spectacularly greedy!

You are assuming the OP would have privately educated with or without this inheritance and given the amount of money the OP is talking about being able to remortgage, I think we can safely assume she wouldnt have done as it would have been unaffordable for her.

I'm assuming that she must have wanted them to have a private education as otherwise she could have not spent the money and they could have used it when they went to university. That would still meet the "education" requirement of the will and if OP is really not well off would arguably have been a better use of the money. It is what my SIL and DB have done with inheritance from her side which was earmarked for grandchildren's education.

I feel really sorry for you OP. I think your sister is out of order telling you your only option is to move your children from their current school when your eldest is about to sit GCSEs and they have already had to move schools abruptly when you got divorced. I hope when she calms down she realises this. If the money had been left to an education fund for GC that is one thing, but it was left specifically to your children. My siblings with children have received more than me for the benefit of their children. If I needed money (and IVF is bloody expensive) I would NEVER consider asking them to make my DNs move schools/move to a smaller house to free up money.

OP, don’t let her bully you. It’s not your money to give away. And it’s crap to force your kids to.

Don't remortgage OP!!

It's not fair, but that's your DC's money.

She doesn't sound a very nice aunt for wanting to remove the children from their current school.

Oh Piss off @Tensixtysix

How the hell has OP been greedy when she has received the exact same as her sister?!

No wonder the country is in the state it's in if MN is representative of the electorate.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this.

This stands out from your OP. I don't think you can save the relationship. You can't fix the inequality and there will always be the money hanging over the 2 of you.

From her side she has 2 children who her parents never got the chance the meet, and although she kept on about career and never wanting children there's a good chance she was just masking the fact she hadn't had them at that point. It's much easier to say you don't want them, rather than admit you do and have everyone feel sympathetic that you don't have any.

She has watched your children benefit from the inheritance and in the last 4 years she hasn't been grabby or annoyed that your children have benefited, as she obviously thought / mis-remembered that the will was for educating all grandchildren. Now if your children are explicitly named then that isn't the case, and she is obviously trying to deal with that. Shouting and now ignoring you isn't the best course of action, but it's understandable.

At the end of the day you have both lost your parents, but only now is she realising that their estate has had a greater benefit to you and your children. It must hurt to realise that not only have her children missed out on relationships with their grandparents, but her decision to leave having a family until later has meant you have received a much greater share of the estate.

I think people are getting too bogged down in the precise wording and the legalities -
It doesn’t matter if the op is legally in the right if she loses the relationship with her sister. Only the op can decide what price she is prepared to pay to stop this happening. I think without some steps being taken the inequality will feel too much for the dsis and the relationship will be broken regardless of the op being legally in the right. Emotions and family relationships don’t adhere to a set of rules.

Look, you probably should have thought about it when she was pregnant and I reckon if you are being honest you willfully “forgot” because you had already enrolled your children, but what’s done is done. It seemed unlikely your sister would have them, your father planned specifically for yours and there is no point being ridiculous and pulling children in and out of schools so a child can have a year here and there of private education. Ridiculous concept! And equally it would be absurd for you to remortgage and absurd for your children to feel guilted into giving their cousins money.

Your sister could have broached this years ago, but then I still think it would be stupid to spread the butter even thinner to make sure everyone gets a bloody year of fee paying school. Life is sometimes unfair and this is one of those times and your sister needs to grow up.

People commenting rudely about your father are disgusting.

Also, Dsis has seen the will, has a copy and this isn’t anything new to her. That’s why I was so taken aback when she asked me in the first place. That’s why it has never been mentioned before this weekend. I was under the impression we were all very clear on the matter.

In that case, I have no sympathy for her! It is a shame that you told her she could have money because it was nearly spent as that made it seem that you had been unreasonable to spend it. You should have said it was your children's money and it wasn't possible to give it to her. Hopefully a solicitor can put her straight and stop her being angry with you.

I must confess to only reading up to page 11 and quite frankly lost the will to live. Apologies if i've repeated anything.

I usually avoid insults and vitriol, but all those who say the OP has done anything wrong and/or owes money legally or morally are completely idiotic and should either read up on wills/succession etc. or crawl back under their rock. I can't think of a strong enough insult for you.

The father left money to OP and the sister. Father also left money to the children for the explicit purpose of providing education. The OP could be sued by the children if she gave a single penny to the sister. It is not her money to give. It is her children's money. The only exception would be if a trust made provision for future grandchildren.

Ignore the idiots on here OP. You'd literally be stealing from your childrens entitlement by distributing to your sister, and could find yourself in hot water with your children in the future and potentially be subject to criminal procedures.

If sister has cause to be angry, it should be directed at the father.

could have money couldn't have money

Please don't convince your children to give away their inheritance to their cousins when they turn 18 and please don't remortgage your house to give your sister money that doesn't belong to her. Morally people may question it but tough - that's how wills work.

I don’t think the OP should remortgage or pull her kids out of school etc either. I just think she’s being really naive to believe this is a situation she can ‘patch up.’

Face it: the father did a horrible, unfair thing, which has prioritised one family over the other and inevitably caused a rift between the two sisters.

The funds were left to the OPs children yes, but in reality the OP should have realised that had her sister had children the funds would have been split.

The Ops children are 14 and 15, her children can't be at a very expensive private school because 135k would have only just about covered the eductation so far.

Her real option is to pay for the final years of education herself, and to give what's remaining to the sister. The sister was never going to get a full ride anyway.