AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

The sister was comfortably wealthy at the time she got pregnant but has now gone part time and her husband is not earning mega bucks. I can see why she wants a piece of the action (whether she is entitled to it is another issue). Again, OP, you could see all this happening. Your basic assumptions about your sister was slowly being eroded in front of you. You never thought this day would come?

I would firstly get professional legal advice on the situation - as to whether you can even access the money to give to your sister, as if it is a trust in their names, then you may not even be able to give her any of what's left. Also seek legal advice about remortgaging. Would this be a gift to her, as a trust for her DC etc. How would you feel if she then used this money for something else? Once you have this information, you can decide what you feel you want to do.

Wouldn't the money have been better spent on tutors through state secondary to help ensure good gcse's and then uni fees/costs? All kids could have been provided for then.

Gcse's are worthless in the real world anyway. Same as A-levels. You just need good ones to get through to A-levels and then into uni.

@Waytooearly. The father died and probate was done before sister got pregnant. Will stipulated money went to the two known grandchildren for a specific purpose.
OP has followed the wishes as outlined in the will.
OP can’t legally take money from her children to give to her sisters.
What would you have her do?
I was single recipient of family members will. I did share equally between my siblings as it was mine to do. Many people said I was disrespectful for not following the will and keeping it all for myself as was my family members wish.
You can’t win with this type of thing, damned if you do and damned if you don’t

How exactly could the OP see her sister one day marking a claim to money that neither they or her sister kids were entitled to!!

If that was my sister I would have laughed at her request told her she isn't getting any of my children's money and that if she wants her children to get the same education she'll have to pay for it.

The sister wants the money for private primary school. Presumably she is intending for them to go private throughout their education and is thus is in a position to fund this herself given there is no way the whole original amount of money would cover this for 4 children. She is trying to get money from her sister to fund more private education than the OP's children were able to have.

It has been spent on their education as stipulated in the will

We still don't know exactly what the will stipulated, though, do we?

You have done nothing wrong.

It’s your children’s money.

End of.

All kids could have been provided for then.

No they couldn't as the money only belongs to 2 of them.

I would have saved it for university education rather than private primary/secondary. How are you going to pay for university education? What’s the point in private education if further education isn’t in the budget?

By the way we have changed our will several times and we've been advised to be specific in who we leave the money to.
I now have two DCs, but when I got married I had one DN, and three cousins who were under 18 at the time I married, and at that point I was sponsoring a child through education.
So my first will said that X% would go to my DN, and a smaller percentage to the cousins and my sponsored child, for educational purposes only (this isn't a charity thing, it was a private arrangement).
Then the sponsored child left school and one cousin turned 18 and I had a new DN so the next will said
X% split between DNs, remaining under-18 cousins.
Then we had DC1 so we made new wills and mine said X% to DC1 in trust if we both die, and Y% to DNs and cousins.
And finally we remade it when DC2 came along and one more of the cousins had turned 18 to say X% to DCs in trust blah blah and y% to DNs and one cousin.

So at no point did I have a will saying I'd leave things to "all my children" or "all my nieces and nephews" or "all my cousins under 18".

Your DF may have been advised the same, and if he had thought he'd have two more DGCs he'd have had to leave the money equally to both you and your DSis, on the off chance.
Given the circumstances, I'd try and be a bit more equitable for the sake of your family.

(If it was me, I don't really mind if I see my DB much/at all and my DNs are old enough to have an independent relationship with me, so I wouldn't give my DB anything, but it sounds like you want to have a relationship with her).

OP can’t legally take money from her children to give to her sisters.

If the money was left to her with the intention that it be used for her DCs' education, she can do what she likes with it.
If it was specifically left to them in trust then no, she can't give it to someone else.

Legally you're in the right, but morally I'd say it stinks. Sorry.

if I was your sister I'd struggle to have anything to do with you going forward.

Similar situation is looming in my family, where my father is going to leave everything to only one of his 3 children - my brother has said he'll be splitting it 3 ways between us 3 siblings if he does (and I believe him).

You both sound quite spoilt and entitled.

While I don’t think you did anything wrong exactly, I do feel desperately sorry for your sister. I would be bitter with resentment if my sister’s children enjoyed such a major advantage thanks to family money.

I’m astonished £135k only covers two children through secondary in the UK! I live in a very expensive European country and private school fees are only about half that here. Crazy.

Personally I would want to try my very hardest to give my sister some money towards her children education but if your children’s education will use up all the inheritance there really isn’t a lot you can do unless you get another windfall or win the lottery or something! You will most likely lose your sister over this which is such a terrible shame and I imagine that’s the last thing your father would have wanted.

Inheritance causes nothing but trouble in my opinion, I’ve seen it tear so many relationships apart

Definitely do not remortgage or give your DS money. That would be admitting that you did something wrong and you haven’t she’s just been unlucky and that’s life.

If the money was left to her...

She has clearly stated several times that it was left explicitly for X and Y

But legally, actually, whether you are in the right or not depends on the exact wording of the will, which isn't clear. If it's in trust for your children's education and only for your named children and only for their education, you can't touch it - but there are other ways it could have been worded that mean it might have been possible to share it.

Either way, morally you are in the wrong, even if legally you are correct. you need to decide if family is more important than money and act accordingly.

Ah I see you have another way to give her a bit more of the inheritance without taking your children out of school (even for 6th form).

So it sounds like going to the solicitor would be helpful, and I would sit down with her and her DH together once you have been (rather than talking to him separately).

If your kids were specifically named then it’s their money.

As you’re doing find out the facts and then move forward.

Manybe a quick note to your sister showing empathy and a request for a chat in a weeks time to discuss how your can move forward together.

Is she as fearful of losing you?

Why are people still not reading the full thread?! Even just the OP's updates would be useful!

The will categorically stated that the money was left to X child and Y child for their education. No more, no less.

my father is going to leave everything to only one of his 3 children

My DM is leaving half her estate to me and half to my DNs in trust. She does not trust my DB with money (and I agree with her thinking) and I won't be able to withdraw their money to share with him, nor will I be sharing my portion with him, for similar reasons.

It may sound gloating of your father to say this but my DM's solicitor advised that she should tell my DB this (and me) before she dies as it means everyone is prepared and it's a lot less acrimonious when the time comes.

Dsis had always stated she never wanted children as she wanted to have a career and enjoyed having no responsibility

I wonder if expecting a share of the money for education made a difference to her decision around having children?

When your DF died, did she actually know it had been left to your two DCs, or did she just assume it would be shared ... and if the latter, was there any conversation about this at the time?

I can see both points of view here, but if she knew the terms of the will and chose not to say anything years ago, it's a bit late to be bringing it up now

Thinking about it, if the solicitor puts in writing that it is your children's money rather than yours so you can't take it and give it to her, it may help her see sense. You haven't spent all the money in the budget leaving none for hers as it was never her children's money in the first place.
I would give her the £35,000 and if she still doesn't speak to you again, at least you will know that you tried to be fair.
I know someone in a similar situation except they were the grandchildren and although they used to bitch about it a bit, they didn't say anything to their cousins as they realised it wasn't their fault.

The OPs father sounds vile. What sort of person assumes one child is ‘prioritising a career over having children’ (in itself a horrible phrase) and makes massive, potentially life changing decisions, on the basis of that? It doesn’t take a huge leap of imagination to assume that a woman of child bearing age might decide to have children in the future. Just because the OP had her kids younger they’ve been given some huge financial advantage. The whole situation stinks.

Legally although there may not be anything the OPs sister can do, i wouldn’t blame her for now going NC with the OP.
The OP is being incredibly naive to think she can carry on having a perfectly harmonious relationship after this