AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I'm with the op - your sister is a CF. she's obviously gutted and your dad was wrong to not consider this possibility, but life is definitely not always fair.

Don't remortgage- she might take your money and stop speaking to you anyway.

If you get a remortgage you will have ended up back to square one before your father left you this money (the amount he left you personally l mean) You will possibly be in a much worse situation as you are older now obv. and just starting repaying that mortgage again.
Meanwhile your sis will have had the same chunk of money as you to spend how she likes and aump sum from your remortgage to put towards her dcs education. That is very unfair to you but lm sure that won't bother her. If the will wording means you can't touch your dcs money, then you should point this out to her and that all you can do is give her w g at your dad gave you for her dcs education. If she is ok with that in theory then you have your answer and l wouldn't remortgage the garden shed for her tbh.
Oh and why not spend some of her 35k on her Dcs education if she's that bothered instead of expecting you to spend yours,?

The money belongs to your children. Even if you wanted to hand any over you can't.

This.

The money was left for your children. It's a tricky situation but you can't give away money that's not legally yours. Unfortunately, your sister will just have to accept this.

Some of the comments on this thread are..... uneducated if nothing else.

Good luck OP, hope you manage to find a solution

The same text without typos:
Your father made a mistake in writing the will in the way he did. The reality is that he left the bulk of his estate to his two grandchildren, without making provision for possibly future grandchildren. The money was given to your children, not you. You are not in a position to change that. Furthermore, six years on, it is too late for a deed of variation to be sorted out by the solicitor. It is unfortunate. It will probably cause tension between you, but it would be unreasonable of your sister to expect you to suddenly find a significant portion of disposable income to pay for her children's school fees.

OP, you say that your DF valued education but 'wasn't able to fulfil' this for you and your DSis. What exactly does this mean? Do you mean he couldn't afford private school for both of you, or that you both ended up going to shitty schools and not fulfilling your academic potential?

Also, what was the family dynamic between you, DSis and DF when he was alive?

Ignoring the legal side, it sounds as if your DSis may not have had the ideal education herself, wants to get it right for her kids, but feels she is being told she can't afford it because both her parents favoured you and your children and she can only watch as her offspring also do not achieve their potential.

I understand there are all kinds of factors at play and the above may not be the fairest interpretation, but I don't think this is really just about money. It's about 'who did Dad love more?' I don't think your DF could have anticipated this situation so it isn't fair to say he didn't love you both equally, but when we think about our parents, we naturally fall back into the viewpoint of a child, and then when you throw grief into the mix, being rational becomes quite difficult indeed. I know it's been a while and she's always been quite self-sufficient, but I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest she may not be over becoming an orphan.

Suggesting you pull your kids out of school isn't a fair response, but it's an understandable one after you've told her how you've spent the best part of £135k and there's nothing left for her kids. It's a panicked reaction born out of a place of trying to protect her kids.

Having put yourself in her shoes, the question is what do you do about it.

Firstly, could you have done anything if you wanted? You've dodged the questions about the legal wording, which would really clarify whether you had any input into how the will was spent, or if the money really did have to be ringfenced for your children.

Secondly, if you were in her shoes, what would think was fair?

It may be worth writing your sister a letter (an email or text will do) and explaining that the money was specifically left to your children (if that is true) and that you legally cannot share that money with her children, but you understand why she is upset and you're very sorry no one anticipated she would have children of her own when DF was drawing up his will. Say that you love her, your kids love her and you know that DF really loved her too - you want to make this right, but you don't know what to do given the legal restrictions at play.

With a bit of distance to cool down and read your message in her own time, she may be able to come up with a better suggestion than take your kids out of school. Acknowledge her hurt and take it from there.

I really hope you can salvage the relationship.

.... and give her what your dad gave you.... that should've said sorry

Collaborate, you are being melodramatic by talking about 'immediate custodial sentence' and 'prison'. You are also only seeing half the picture and getting worked up for nothing.

As I have explained earlier, any money which the OP gives, if she so minded, can and should come from her OWN assets, not the children's inheritance.

There, no handcuffs needed.

Everyone saying that the OP 'legally can't' do anything with the money left to her children - how is she managing to spend it on school fees, then? I'm assuming the kids aren't being personally invoiced. It was 'her father's wish' that it be used for eduction, she claims; but if, as people are asserting, it is absolutely her kids' money - then it's up to them how it's spent, isn't it?

It was specifically stipulated that it was for their education

That's not terribly 'specific', though, is it? As others have pointed out, when compared with the value and cost of university, it could be argued that the money has not in fact made the best contribution to the children's education that it could have. Why not? Because the OP made decisions about how to spend it on their behalf.

Your children are almost grown up, it would make sense to take out a mortgage to give your sister her half. Or you could just start saving now for when her kids get to secondary school. You'd need to save £67500 and they're still very young, sounds like you have 7 years until the eldest gets there, so that's not an extortionate amount; you could save half in advance and then get a mortgage for the rest.

My parents paid for my DNs when they can't afford for any more children, the enormous difference is that my DSis and I agreed to it in advance because her kids really needed it, so there's no surprises in us thinking some money will suddenly be available for our children.

@Schmoobarb we leaned that lesson when one of our DCs was unhappy at junior school and we sent her to a private school.

After a year she had put on weight for the first time and was mixing with a number of children from rather aggressively self-made parents with very different values to ours.

Her old friends from the state junior actually seemed more academic in comparison and after a year she moved back there and started to thrive.

Unless your child is incredibly clever and hugely ambitious you're really best saving your money. I think most private schools are a monumental rip-off.

This says it all really. It is obvious that OP wouldn't have deprived her own child if she'd had another one.

You know that, how?

And if she'd put her children straight into private school the money would have been fine before her sister even thought about having children.

What a horrible situation.

Obviously as a pp said, money couldn't be left in limbo for future GC whilst current GC were needing the money.

Also if Op kept the money for Uni-what if neither of them went?

Have I read correctly that Op is a single mum & her sister was at the time single?

I'd rather have been helping my daughters secure a roof over their heads than private education for GC tbh.

It somehow seems a sneaky way of cutting out Op's sister.

It must have hurt at the time.

Thinking about it though, it might have been better worded if the money had been left to all GC for university/further education. It would have covered that.

I understand that solicitors generally advise against bequeathing large sums of money to grandchildren and generally recommend leaving it to the children (assuming they’re adults) to distribute and pass on as they see fit. Reading this thread, I can see why, as this seems a perfect illustration of what can go wrong.

If the OP’s father left the money to her children, named, in the will, there is nothing she can do. It’s not her money, it’s theirs. The OP can’t just give the money, as it’s not legally hers to give.
I do feel sorry for the sister though. It’s hard when there’s such a disparity. Unfortunately the sister’s anger is misdirected, though understandable. Their father was poorly advised, and it sounds like there’s been assumption on both sides.
Perhaps you could suggest visiting a solicitor, OP, to go through the terms of the will. Your sister may take it better from a neutral third party that the money is not yours to give to her.

I don't see the problem with what their father has done.

I would absolutely specifically leave money to grandchildren. Why would I leave my money to people I'd never met?

At the point where you were making the decision about how best to spend the money for your children's education, they were the only grandchildren.

No they weren't. The older DN was on the way before the older of her two DCs started secondary, it sounds like.

I think you should respect the spirit of your DF's will.
However given that your two are in the middle of their secondary education, and the amount is not that great anyway, I'd suggest that they finish at their school up to GCSEs and then go to a state sixth form.
Your remaining share (which will probably be around the £35K) can go to an educational trust which can be used for tutors, extracurriculars, and university - and possibly a private 6th form - it's not going to cover even one level of private school for one DC.

OP, in order to give correct advice, we need to know what the exact wording of the will was.
When my DD died, his will, which he wrote 5 years earlier, stated an amount for 'my grandchildren'. He had 6 when he wrote it. He had 11 when he died. The remaining money was to be split between his children. (4 of us). After his funeral costs were paid, there was very little left. Each grandchild got £350, we got nothing.
My will states all money to be split equally between my 2 DDs, I have 1 grandson, 1 step granddaughter and expect there will be more along the way. I've seen too many families split because of wills, one of my DDs earns 5x more than the other, but by the time I die, it could be the other way round. People should leave a fair will, and not try to control others from beyond the grave.
This man has done exactly that. He has decided that private education is what his money should go in. What if his DD didn't agree with private education? What would happen then?

it would make sense to take out a mortgage to give your sister her half

You think the OP should put herself into debt to give money to her wealthier sister? Really? There is no "her half" to give.

This is why in some countries they have laws about inheritance that don't allow this kind of unfairness - the children of the deceased must get equal shares of 50% of the estate where I live for example.

Your father is at fault here and your sister is understandably upset about this and has the right to be but of course you can't give her the money from your children's money if it was directly willed to them. Your father put you in an impossible position.

Laughing at people who genuinely think it’s a good idea to spend a lump sum of cash on university fees! Everyone gets a student loan and it’s basically free money because you pay it back over many years and if you aren’t a high earner you pay virtually nothing. Most people never pay it all back. You’re stupid if you pay university fees in cash (unless you’re so rich that you won’t miss the money).

Your father made his will with the information he had available. You had two children and he had a relationship with those two children. Your sister made it known she had no intention of having children and was focused on her career. She had had no long standing relationships and it is not unreasonable for the will to have been made the way it was.

What is thoroughly and utterly unreasonable is for your sister to expect that you remove your children from their schools where they are settled or for you to remortgage your home and place at risk the roof above your children’s head to give her what she considers to be fair. Absolutely and utterly disgusting behaviour on her part, some aunt she is. Cheeky fuckery and emotional manipulation at it’s finest.

She may not like the contents of the will but she has had plenty of time before now to take advice on the matter. The will stands.

Your job is to safeguard the future of your children. You both as siblings received the same. It’s not for her to decide what she considers to be appropriate for the grandchildren, your father already did that. I very much doubt that if the roles were reversed that she would help you as she has proven that she will trample all over you and your children to get what she wants.

Also who says the DC will even go to uni anyway?

It is a very unfortunate situation and I can see both sides. Arguably you should have realised that this was very unfair and should have at least given the £35,000 you inherited from your father to your sister when she had her first child to compensate. She has been pretty clueless too though. It's particularly stupid to think that you would give her the money you father gave to your children. If they were named as beneficiaries in the will you can't take their money and give it to her. It's not your money to take.
Is there anyway you could give her a certain amount each month so that over the years she will have received a certain amount? Otherwise I agree that remortgaging so that you can give her some money would help.

Because the OP made decisions about how to spend it on their behalf.

This is irrelevant though. It has been spent on their education as stipulated in the will. Her management of the money is exactly in line with that. Giving it to her sister is not.