AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Hang on, didn't you say that your Dad left the money to your two children? As in named? In which case unfair as it all might seem, it would be even more unfair (and probably illegal) to take the money away from them. It would spectacularly unfair to disrupt their education by pulling them out of school. Don't even think about it! If she had thought about it she could have invested her 35k for future children, but she didn't presumably? We had a similar-ish situation - a sizeable sum left to one of our kids before the other was born, by an elderly aunt, but we transferred some of our own money into the second one's account to balance it out. If you can do that, great, but it would have to come from you if you felt generous and could manage it, or your sister not your children.

I can see this from both sides but why did she not ask about this when she was pregnant. The money was left to the kids by name so it's not the OPs money. Everyone saying she got a bigger share, she got the same as her sister. Her kids got the biggest share to use on their education. It's a bit late now.

But if you want to do something I would do as others have said and stop after GCSEs and give what little is left to her (just to try and salvage some relationship)

I'm struggling to see how your father was so badly advised. We have had a similar situation in this family. Three children left money in a will and another child was born subsequent to the will being made. as it was the three agreed the money should be split four ways.
Your Dad either made it specific so your sisters kids would not inherit and this was a deliberate act or he was badly advised surely.
I have not RTFT I am reading and running though.

Just realised the OP got 170k, not 135.
OP didn't. She got 35k, the same as her sister. Her sister is asking her children to give the money back, which is not on. I'm with the OP on this one.

It’s 60k, a significant sum but not hundreds of thousands & not worth falling out over. Can you afford to give her anything without remortgaging?

It does not matter whether the sister intended for her dcs to have private education from 3 or 7 or 11 or 16. The fact is she would like a share of that £135K for her children and will obviously have to stump up the rest herself, which she sounds like she would be able to.

However, this will all turn on the actual wording of the will. I am surprised the sister would have come to her misguided conclusion that the money was set aside for her dcs as well. £135K is not a small sum and in her position I would be laser focused on that point at the reading of the will even if I did not have dcs. The inherent unfairness of the bequest (in terms of size), if the will said what the OP said, would surely grate even if the sister did not have dcs at the time. This raises an issue in my mind whether the will was that clear cut or what was actually said by the executor at the time.

Even if the will is iron clad and says it is specifically for the OP's dcs and their education (but if I were the OP, I would double- and triple-check this), OP is being disingenuous if she did not anticipate this issue coming up once her sister got pregnant the first time.

This issue was always going to raise its ugly head. It depends on how much the sister wanted to pursue it. It should be pursued against the father really but the OP is now caught up. Inheritance is a messy business.

I think you're getting a hard time, OP.

Your sister is being odd - why does she think there's enough money in the pot for her dc to be privately educated from primary onwards, when yours only went from secondary?

And why, for heaven's sake, has she only brought it up now? Had she just assumed, all these years, that you'd save some money for her? Had you NEVER spoken about schools and your dad's inheritance before now?

If she had looked at your dc's school fees, she'd see how quickly the money would be spent, and she'd know how much would be left after x years.

@blueshoes So you think OP should have seen this coming and stolen the money from her own children? Would you have visited her in prison? Or would you like to have another think?

The main thing I find astonishing that you and your sister have never talked about this until now.

Was there literally never a conversation about it in all that time?

Because it seems that you’ve both just assumed you knew what was to happen with the money without actually talking to the other.

I really feel for the OPs sis. Awful planning by the father at the end of the day - money should have been split equally between both sister to do with as they wish, or put into trust for any grandchildren. His wish at the end of the day but what a kick in the teeth for OPs sis. I’d find this very hard to get over.

*AT LAST somebody said it. As someone who is not from the UK, I find the casual acceptance of this on this thread very unsettling. Oh and apparently 135k won't even cover it! Makes me feel a bit ill tbh.

Have all British people been brainwashed that this is a normal thing to do for your children? It's not normal in other countries and guess what, their kids get on just fine!*

Nope, it’s just on mumsnet where people are obsessed with private education. I don’t know anyone who even considered sending their kids private, even quite wealthy people. Everyone I know just does what over 90% of the population does and sends their kids to a state school and be done with it.

That said given the father said it was for education I can see why the OP did what she did for secondary level, even if I don’t see the value myself. It’s less clear why the sister is throwing her toys out of the pram over not being able to have the kids have the experience of reading Biff, Chip and Kipper books whilst in a nice building wearing a straw boater

The sister likely assumed that OP would do the fair thing. I'd never dream that my sister would hoard money like that. Who would?

@JaesseJexaMaipru I am willing to take a stab in the dark here, and assume that as a single parent OP could never have been able to afford private education (or even a contribution to the cost of it) without her children inheriting this. Why the hell should she have to pay out of her own pocket for her sister's children to be privately educated if she could never have afforded it for her own?

The OP has put her children into education with the money they were allocated from the Will. I doubt she would be able to complete their education if she gives her sister half the money. Her sister certainly wouldn't be able to put her kids through private schooling with half the money.

The father has caused this problem and I can see why the sister is bitter. Maybe the father thought the sister would be able to afford it without his help as she is a high flyer?

But if I were the OP I wouldn't be removing my kids from school to give my sister half. The Will seems to have been very clear as the children were named.

Agree though that the will was badly drafted if this was able to happen. The parents likely thought that if more grandkids appeared everyone would just be fair. (whoops.)

@Waytooearly Who would? Someone who thinks it beyond the pale to steal from their own children. Some posting on this thread seem to think that's OK.

Sharing money fairly among children isn't 'stealing'.

Have all British people been brainwashed that this is a normal thing to do for your children? It's not normal in other countries and guess what, their kids get on just fine

No, definitely not. I studied and worked in Germany and I met one person who had gone to a private school (in the UK) in that time. If they had it, my friends' parents spent the money on things like high school years in the US, language courses, etc. We live in an area where the state schools are decent so we took the same approach (also I am not great at holding jobs down for that long, so didn't want to take on the burden of private school fees if I couldn't carry on with them).

In the OP's shoes I would consider if I could send my eldest to state sixth form (if local ones are good and it is at all an option) and give the sister the money I would have spent on that - to make some sort of offer. It won't go far though. Why does the sister want to send her kids to private school so much anyway? If the OP were able to say give her £12K that would pay for some decent extra-curricular provision for the sister's kids. I agree that morally there should be some sort of offer made. That said, it might open another can of worms because if the OP makes that offer the sister may want more and take legal advice. So it might be better to do nothing. What a mess.

The thing about providing for future grandchildren is complicated by the fact that he wanted it to be used for their education. When he died, he had an 8 yo and a 9yo grandchild. Money to be used for their education obviously needed to start being spent within a few years (even if you keep it for university, you're still looking at 9/10 years max). How long do you wait to work out how many you have to divide it between? And how do you decide what you can spend on the eldest while you're waiting to see how many more might be coming? The grandfather and the OP both made decisions based on the best information they had at the time.

Jesus, all the “what would you do if you had a third child? I bet you’d dip into the pot for them” posts!

SHE HAS HAD A HYSTERECTOMY, THERE IS NO CHANCE OF A THIRD CHILD!

Sharing money fairly among children isn't 'stealing'.

It is when it isn't your money to 'share'.

Your father made. mistake in writing the will in the way he did. Te reality is that he left the bulk of his estate to his two grandchildren, without making provision for possibly future grandchildren. The money was given to your children, not you. You are not in a position to change that. Furthermore, six years on, it is too late for a deed of variation to be sort out by the solicitor. It is unfortunate. It will probably cause tension between you, but it would be unreasonable of your sister to expect you to suddenly find a significant portion of disposable income to pay for her children's school fees.

Sharing money fairly among children isn't 'stealing'.

Yes it is. If the money legally belongs to one child and you take some of it to give to a different child, you have stolen that money. You do not have the right to do whatever you want with your child's money. Because it is theirs, not yours.

OP stop feeling guilty I'm disgusted at the nasty comments of people here.
You say your children were named in the will then the money was not yours you followed your father's wish to have a good education for your children.
I think people get so grabby when it comes to money. You are a single parent doing the best you can. Legally you couldn't have split the money without going through a lot as the children were named I would ask you to not put your family at risk if your sister is truly a decent person she will think about this and wouldn't want you putting your home at risk if she actually wants you to I'd question her morals.
It's ok for people to say you should have split it or your dad should have divided the estate but he isn't here. You have to put your children first. I have a brother with 3 children I have 1 I don't care about getting money from my parents as the money is theirs to do as they wish.

I really hate it when people think they have a right to others money. But i do ask think about the risk to your family if you do re mortgage and if you can't keep up the payments. Ask yourself if you do it and you get in to difficulty would your sister help you?. I would hope the answer would be yes but money always gets in the way of family's.

Sorry for the ramble but I just think you need to do what's best for you.

Realistically, there is nothing you can do about it.

The money was not left to you - it was left to your children. Even if your DF left it equally between all grandchildren, only two were alive when he died so it would still have only been split between your two children (they have to be living so even pregnancy doesn't count). At the point he died he only had two grandchildren.

The money belongs to your children. Even if you wanted to hand any over you can't.

You cannot take money from a minor and you cannot vary their legacy. Firstly, it has been 6 years. Secondly the only way to change it would have been to go to Court as you cannot change the gift for a minor.

Whilst it might seem unfair to your sister and if it was your money you may have changed it, what as lot of pps are not realising is that it is not your money. It belongs to your children. They are too young to hand any over and without a Court order if you give any to your sister that will be theft as you are stealing your children's money from them.