AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I wouldn't re mortgage your house over this. Common sense has to prevail, and she has a good income. The balance in the future could swing the other way. Re. The legal side of it I don't know in depth legal matters, but the will detail could have some bearing. If it really is legal and binding it was for the first two grandchildren then that's that. if not the OP probably should have dealt with this when she knew her sister was pregnant, but even then neither would know how many children sister would go on to have, suppose she had 3 or 4! Although I said before you will have to just suck it up, give her what you can afford - she might also have to suck it up. Well she certainly won't be getting half. Lastly, I think you will be able to come back from this with her, but it might take time. As I said things can change. Give her what you can reasonably afford.

On a side point, which j know has been mentioned:
If my GF had left me £67k, I would have wanted to save it for adult life, House deposit etc.
Not sure I'd have been happy to have it spent on private schooling.

At today’s rates £135k would just put one child through secondary education with a bit to spare - your children are almost through so carry on .

You are getting a hard time here Op, as many have said, if your DC were specifically named as beneficiaries in the will (as you alluded to earlier) then that money is theirs, and you cannot give it away, end of.

It sounds as if you were maybe the executor and trustee, but your DF could easily have made his solicitor or a friend the trustee, and they would have managed the kids money. Would your sister have chased them up now?

Maybe go get some legal advise.

My DC inherited a large amount, estate was left to the children of the deceased’s cousins. One ‘child’ was omitted (he is actually an adult with a v well paid job) - I did suggest to my brother and a cousin that it could be shared, but it was pointed out that it wasn’t my decision (I knew that). The guy wasn’t bothered, but his mum was very hurt as she was probably the closest cousin to the deceased and still doesn’t understand why only her son was left out.

She didn’t, however, cut off contact with her sister & cousins, as it wasn’t our fault either. She acknowledges that it has made a massive difference to most other beneficiaries - including her own nephew who has a mortgage free house. My own two have a large house deposit waiting when the time comes, others have also bought property for the first time in their 30s.

When the estate was finally distributed, only my DD was under 18. The solicitor suggested that we take over as trustees of her money from them, but made it very very clear that we had responsibilities to her in how we managed it. Luckily she was already 16 and there was less than 2yrs until she became 18 so we didn’t have any long term planning to do.

there is nothing “natural” about that AT ALL.
It certainly is in my family & circle of friends, family comes first. My granny left the family home to the her eldest sibling but all the siblings decided the youngest sibling needs to more & should have it so that what’s happened.

Regarding my relatives DB who is now in his 60s, he has put the property into a trust (not sure on the technical term) for his DS children as he doesn’t have any.

Just realised the money was left TO your DC... then this is all a moot point... you literally CANNOT give it to your sister as it is not yours to give (And yes would be theft from your children) And as the children are under 18 I don't think they could either, legally?

It’s all unfortunate but I see your choices as share the money or have a rift with your sister

Naturally my aunt transferred one to DB as she valued the relationship more than the money or the wishes of her mother.

And, of course, it was hers to transfer. However, this money does not belong to the OP.

What a tangle.

1. If will named the 2 children then those find will be in a trust and there will be trustees. Ops silence on this worries me and suggests possibly it was less clear cut than this.
2. If 1 is right then op cannot redistribute the trust’s for another purpose than the stated purpose. Even if the proposed redistribution is fully in line with original trust (education of grandchildren) even if it seems ‘fairs’. She can’t take money from her own childrens’ trust
3. If op were wealthy I take from the tone of her posts that she would

Simply offer to pay her sisters kids school fees as a non legal, no obligation but ‘fair and right and lovely’ thing to do and knowing it would be what her dad would have wanted to do himself if he could and if the other children had existed at the time of his will. But the op is not financially able to do this. So end of that possibility.

1. Dsis will have had thenwill as a beneficiary herself. If she read it and if it was as described in 1 (which is very unclear I think) then she will have or should have known that any child she had, stood to inherit nothing.

5 dsis will have known the op was privately education her children and it defies belief that if she really thought her child/REN stood to inherit money she had no access to that she didn’t talk to op about this.

1. The situation feels as though it is far from cut and dried as in 1 above and both sisters chose not to talk sensibly about things but rather act on assumptions (which are now crystallised as ‘the position) in their minds.

Op - look at the will. Get some initial and not too expensive advice about the will. Then talk it through with your sister. It won’t be pretty or easy but needs to be done. If you have acted outside if any fiduciary (trust) role in spending your children’s money then be prepared to have to deal with that. Everyone involved needs to realise that any dispute will cost more to resolve than the value of what you are fighting over if it comes to that.

I don't want to speak to you after reading this so I can see why your sister doesn't. You got 170k and your sister got 35k! I know your DC got most of your share but we all know that is you getting it as it takes the burden off you to pay for things. If someone left my DC 135K now I would effectively have 135k more as I wouldn't have to pay for lots of things or save as much for them for uni and house deposits etc. Your DC are settled in school now but your sister's DC have been around for a while. Did it not occur to you to offer her some when she first got pregnant? Before you had spent much of it? If your sister had received 170k whilst you got 35k and she thought this was perfectly fair would you want to be near her? Legally is it fine to keep it all. But yuck.

Just a question to think about, which may give insight into your DS's point of view and whether there is any flexibility in your position...If you had had a third child, would you have used the money to educate them privately?
Legally you are above reproach. Also morally, 99% above reproach- you can't disrupt your DCs education now- and it wouldn't help DSs children much either.
But for that 1% of grey area- is there ANY way you could do something to help your sister? If she got say80% bursaries, even just for Yrs10 and 11, or sixth form, could you pay the 20%? I don t think you have ANY obligation to do so, but i'm just wondering if you thought there was a good enough reason, you would have found some wriggle room?

Presumably she spent it on private education because that is what her Dad wanted (and could not give to her and her sister)
OP you followed the terms of his will and the money is your children’s
Giving your sister money for primary private education won’t get them secondary

If that ever happened to me I would have put 50% of the initial amount into a high interest account and budgeted to the other half.
Although your sister didn't have dc at the time as what's just happened happens a lot.

I feel for you op as your in a predicament but I would want my sister to gain(or her children)the same opportunities mine had from it.

It's a huge amount of money.

What a situation to be in

And, of course, it was hers to transfer. However, this money does not belong to the OP. I never said it did but looking on the posters on here many would have just kept the property.

My parents have always made it clear that any inheritance my siblings & I receive will be equally split regardless of jobs, partners, children etc. as you can’t predict job losses, divorces, future children or health.

You got 170k and your sister got 35k! I know your DC got most of your share but we all know that is you getting it as it takes the burden off you to pay for things.

How does it take the burden off paying for things? It is the children's money specifically for education. Without it they would not be inorovate education.

@fancynancyclancy - Your Aunt was an adult and could do that, money left specifically for 2 named minors cannot be re-directed or further divided by the OP because it's not OP's.

Just realised the money was left TO your DC... then this is all a moot point... you literally CANNOT give it to your sister as it is not yours to give (And yes would be theft from your children) And as the children are under 18 I don't think they could either, legally?

OP - would you have split the money in three if you’d had another child yourself, even though this child wasn’t named in the will? If so, then you know what to do.

looking on the posters on here many would have just kept the property.

No, because they are saying that the money is not the OP's to give. The property was your aunt's to do with as she wished.

I think op has lost her sister as I think this feeling of unfairness will be too much to overcome.

The bulk of the inheritance went to op and her dc. It was probably silly for for the df to skip the generation like this but I think the op needs to be honest.

Why did she not discuss this with her dsis earlier? It is not as if the dsis' dcs are babies, one was born 2 years after df died.

What would her df say if he was around?

It wouldn’t matter if OP had a third child, it still wouldn’t be her money to share! It is her children’s money, she can’t just steal from her children and give it away.

I dunno guys.....

I still think the OP has sleepwalked into this. Or stuck her head in the sand for the money.

The sister got pregnant pretty quickly after probate really. At that point a visit to the solicitor to clarify matters might have been useful, it may still have been within the 2 years to apply for a Deed of Variance.

I definitely think that if my sister got pregnant if be thinking "OK, better have a chat with the solicitor, this may cause problems down the road, maybe it's a done deal, but if so, better to let her know at least I tried". Especially if her own kids weren't even at school and the money was wholly intact at that stage.

But you can see how if the OP has never done any enquiries at all, it's gonna look terrible.

That’s life I’m afraid, my DC weren’t around when our nieces inherited off DH grandmother and he was executor and since they weren’t 18 had to invest their money which did very well, when nieces turned 18 my DH was honest about how well the investment had done and suggested our children might have some of the interest made to be invested, went down like a lead balloon amongst his sister and PILs as they knew that wasn’t terms of the will, we weren’t suggesting any of the amount left, only a share of the interest made. We handed it all over as galling as it was and have since seen nieces piss it up the wall so to speak, if we could have held on to some of the interest it would have been our kids uni fund but family politics didn’t allow and really we knew our kids weren’t named and what we had asked wasn’t right but was no harm in asking.

Massive mistake on your dad's part. He probably didn't intend this mess but i do wish people would THINK more before making wills.

Everyone saying that the OP 'legally can't' do anything with the money left to her children - how is she managing to spend it on school fees, then? I'm assuming the kids aren't being personally invoiced. It was 'her father's wish' that it be used for eduction, she claims; but if, as people are asserting, it is absolutely her kids' money - then it's up to them how it's spent, isn't it? Yet the OP has specifically said she didn't consult them about all this.

No, because they are saying that the money is not the OP's to give. The property was your aunt's to do with as she wished. No, plenty of people have said it was the fathers wishes. I’m not comparing the two but simply highlighting there is a difference between legal & moral. p