AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

If OP gives dsis half the money, how likely is it that it will actually get spent on education? How far would £67.5k actually go on a private education?

At least OP is fulfilling her father's wishes and spending the money on her dc education. I suspect any money OP gives to her sis will not be spent on education.

Such a shame, the 135k should have been invested 6 years ago and used 2022 for first gc to access higher education (54k) then 2023 for second gc to do their degree (54k) - The remaining 27K plus six years' interest accrued could have been used for first house deposits or driving lessons plus car or could have helped fund cousins' later tuition.
Unless you are in the catchment for the worst secondaries in the area, to splurge it on private education at secondary level makes no sense - state schools could have got them there, dipping into the inheritance for private tuition help as and when required.

The money isn’t for the OP to share, it’s her children’s! They were named in the will, legally and morally it is there money and it can’t, and shouldn’t, just be given away to cousins.

Does it suck for the sister? Sure, but they weren’t born when the will was made and the father died, and at that point the sister was adamant she didn’t want children. TBH at this point I don’t even think the father made a mistake, he made the will in good faith.

Why did she think her kids could go private from age 4, when yours didn't go until they were 11?

Are you sure you haven't misunderstood her? It doesn't make sense.

I think your sister is pushing her luck! The will was written that it was left to your children end of. A family member of mine died recently and left money to my eldest but not my youngest as she wasnt born when the will was written. And then he was too ill with dementia to change it if he had wanted too. Am I kicking off on behalf of my youngest? No. He left the money to my eldest end of. Your sister needs to get over it.

When my nan died she left my DD money, but not my DS as he hadn't been born.
When my MIL died she left all the GC equal amounts but not my DS, who still hadn't been born yet!
When my other nan died she left my DS and DR money, but not my DSis's DCs who hadn't been born yet.

On none of these occasions did the parents of the unborn DCs get anymore money to account for the fact they may one day exist!

I blame your dad! 'Education was something he truly valued' - education is something I truly value too And yet my kids are state educated as was I. All of us doing well in life so far!
Totally agree with this. Losing a sister especially whrn both parents have passed away just to send children to a secondary private school, what a waste.

My experience is that the ou kids who have really benefited from a private education are those who went all the way through and even then, they were kids who would likely have done just as well in the local comp.

What a better investment it would have been to keep it for Uni and save them the heartache of repaying loans.

It's too late though and the damage is done now.

Rage - true!

The OP is an impossible situation but I also feel for the sister.

I do wish people would bother to read the thread before banging on and spouting rubbish. Embarrassing.

The money was not NOT NOT left to the OP. So stop pretending it was. It was left to her children. She cannot legally give away anything that isn't hers. Beyond stupid to even suggest it.

If she wanted to give away some of her own money then that would be up to her but not the money left to her children. That would be illegal.

OP having read the thread this isn’t your fault. You have spent the money exactly how your father wished on private education for his two grandchildren

The fact the situation unexpectedly changed is not your fault it’s no one fault

But you can’t give your sister the money that isn’t what your father would want either and morally you can not take it away from your children either

who if left their parents entire estate

The OP was left exactly the some as her sister. The other money was left to her children. She does not have the ability to share money that is not hers.

This £135k was inherited by her children. She can only spend it on her children. To do otherwise is theft from her own children. Her sister is literally demanding that she steals from her own children

This.

Unfortunately I don’t think 135k is enough to put 4 children through private school, even if it is just secondary. So your father’s wishes wouldn’t have come true for any of them. I think the only think you can do at this stage is to see about applying for a bursary for your children at their current schools. That way, any money left could be diverted to your sister (will permitting). If you want to.

If you had kept back half of the inheritance for the dcs your dsis may or may not have you would have wasted money by not spending it in the way your df wanted it to be spent. Your ds's wouldn't have had the education and it's not really something you can go back to.

Yanbu. Your dsis is.

Sharing is caring!

And sharing money that does not belong to you is theft.

My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

very different too

Dsis had always stated she never wanted children as she wanted to have a career and enjoyed having no responsibility.

If your children were listed in the will then actually it's their money not yours so your sisters kids don't have a claim on it, however it's very awkward. I would suggest you show her the will, remind her that you state educated until 10/11 and that if it's financially possible you will help her with secondary school fees as your children will be finished with education by then. But stress that any help is as a sister and nothing to do with the will, and dependent on your finances

This is what happens when children are bypassed in favour of grandchildren. PIL have left their monies to four GC saying DH and his sister "will get the house". Not if it needs selling to pay for care they won't! Your DF was badly advised and I can understand your sisters reaction but it's your DF she should primarily be angry with.

I think huffy, grabby, greedy, grasping, selfish, short sighted and entitled are all pretty reasonable adjectives to apply to the sister. How the hell can anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together reasonably think that her two kids, who not only didn’t fucking exist at the time the Will was made but there was no contemplation that they ever would, are being left out? Ridiculous. Surely if she took 2 minutes to stop grasping for money she’d realise that herself?

I am in the process of writing my will. This post emphasisis the need to get it right! It’s so complicated but so important. Your poor Dad thought he was doing the right thing with good intentions, no doubt, but he got it wrong...(or the people advising him did). I have no advice for you OP in terms of what to do. If you solve one problem you will create another...
What a horrible situation ☹️

In what way did he get it wrong upon his death he still only had 2 grandchildren.

I don’t know of any will which states that future GC born years after the death of person, then be included in the inheritance, it’s nonsense and illogical.

If the sister was bothered about it she had 2 years to contest the will she did not, therefore has no legal claim.

Some of these posts are quite frankly disgusting.

As other posters have mentioned no wonder so many people fall out over money! One of my relatives was the sole beneficiary of 2 properties from her mother because her DB had a bad relationship the mother, approx 600k. Naturally my aunt transferred one to DB as she valued the relationship more than the money or the wishes of her mother.

Did your dad discuss the contents of his will before he died?

If so then at that point you really should of said what if my sister does have children later down the line it will make things very akward, it would be best to split all inheritance 50/50 to stop any issues later down the line.

Did your sister know before your dad died the contents of his will?

If she did then more fool her for not mentioning it to him at the time and to bring it up now is too late in the day.

I would however not be getting a loan against my house to give her, and the time to bring up the unfairness to her children (though she is right) has come and gone but I wish people would think about the impact on those left behind when they are making there wills out.

Just out of interest who were the executors of your fathers will?if it was both you and your sister then she must of see a copy of the will before it was executed and could of contested the will and its unfairness.

What a horrible situation.

I have to say that this £135K would have been one of the very first things I would have thought of as soon as my sister announced she was pregnant.

Good for you. I don’t see why the OP, trying to bring up 2 kids single handed and sort out their schooling, should have done any such thing. The sister could have spoken up herself at that point, presumably she knew that the OP was looking at private schools?

I'd feel bad for your sister, but equally, wouldn't take my children out of a school they're happy and settled in. I agree, there was a lack of foresight on your father's side, and maybe when she had her baby you should have considered this then, HOWEVER, in your head, the money was left, decisions were made BASED ON THAT MONEY and it was all a done deal. And legally, you are right.. as your sister, I'd have a bitter taste in my mouth about it all, but ultimately that's not your fault! Assumptions were made and plans happened accordingly. Without that money, or with only HALF that money, you would have chosen a different school, less time in the school, maybe put it towards higher ed rather than schooling, or would have spent years scrimping to get the same end result. Scrimping at this late stage is no longer an option... it's sad but there We are. She will have to learn to live with it.