AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I think you're being very selfish. If your sister's children had been born when your dad was alive no way would he just have left the money to your two. Jesus.

" I know your DC got most of your share but we all know that is you getting it as it takes the burden off you to pay for things. If someone left my DC 135K now I would effectively have 135k more as I wouldn't have to pay for lots of things or save as much for them for uni and house deposits etc. "

The money has been spent on school fees - not day to day living. There is no indication that the OP has benefited other than the school fees - or would have paid for the school fees without the will thus being able to save for other things.

If your children were named in the will then it’s not your money to distribute. They could sue you for it. Are you the trustee / executor?

You were both left £35k, your children were left the rest.

The only thing you could do is gift her your £35k.

It was very short sighted of your father, I’m also surprised you and your sister didn’t have this conversation until now.

I suspect the sister thought the wording was "for my grandchildren, for their education" hence why she thought it was "OUR" money.

She may not have actually seen the Will up close as presumably the OP was executor, and may not have realised the kids were named.

(That's if any of this is as the OP claims......)

Op I'm shocked ,you knew your dad would of shared it between all grandchildren.you spent recklessly,with no thought to your sister.i expect you will do nothing about this...a. Decent person would of saved half the money in case your sister had children ..you need to give your sister half of that money by re mortgaging,or what ever means you can...or loose her ,which I expect is what you will do .

For the millionth time, it’s not OPs money to redistribute. And the father wanted it spent on his two grandkids education. If she was able to split it with her sister, it wouldn’t cover any grandchildren’s education.

The will was distributed after the death of this man. That is the point that money is committed to people. You can’t backtrack a few years later, the will has been distributed.

Legally, you have done nothing wrong.

Morally, you are so so wrong.

If I was your sister, I would be so so upset.

However, it's not all your fault. Your father should have worded his Will differently. At the time of his passing, your sister was still of child bearing age. He should have taken that in to consideration.

But I cannot believe for one second that you did not think of the money when your sister was pregnant. Like wise, I find it baffling that your sister didn't bring up the issue herself while she was pregnant!

Overall, I think you should be giving your sister half the inheritance. It's immoral of you to keep it all to yourself, and if I was your sister, I would not want a relationship with you ever again if you were unwilling to divide it equally!

What would you have done if you had had another child? Kept some for him / her as it was another grandchild and you would have treated your 3 the same?

Honestly OP you complied 100% with the terms of the will so you are not in any way selfish or out of order. The money was left with specific instructions which you have followed. Your DF didn’t know he would have more GC and from what you say didn’t expect to. Your DS needs to stop blaming you for a conversation that would have been better had with your dad when he was alive. Do not move your children at this stage it’s not their fault.

Had you not had the inheritance and your sister had decided they could afford to privately educate their DC so would do I doubt she would have done the same for yours in the name of fairness.

@worldwidewebuser even if she wanted to the OP can't give her sister the money.

The ops children were NAMED in the will and she is just the custodian of that money to make sure it's used as directed.

@worldwidewebuser

Overall, I think you should be giving your sister half the inheritance. It's immoral of you to keep it all to yourself, and if I was your sister, I would not want a relationship with you ever again if you were unwilling to divide it equally!

Did you even read the OP? THE MONEY IS GONE. She can’t give her sister half of money that has been spent, and besides she couldn’t anyway because the money was left TO HER DC not to her. It’s not hers to give away.

ruby but if op had done that and if the will was as op has described then John and Jane would be able to sue the trustees who had diverted money to new little Jill.

There’s a lesson here. Never give any gifts to grandchildren. Give them to your biological (or adopted) children only.

The money isn’t gone, there is still plenty in the pot. OP should give that money to her DSIS.

If I was the DSIS I wouldn’t spend it on education. You can get a decent education at a free state school.

OPs dad may well have thought about the possibility of OPs sis having children (despite what she said) and decided to leave the money to children he’d had a relationship with. He wouldn’t be the first grandparent to do that.

We simply have no way of knowing.

We have to assume that that will accurately reflects his wishes.

My Grandma has created a similar situation. I am childless yet my sister has two children. Both of these children have been left a significant amount of money (50k each), where as if i now have a child they would receive nothing from her estate.

Which I’m absolutely fine about - my grandma knew these children and spent time with them. The Will specifically names each recipient and the value they receive.

I know it will give my Nephews an advantage and to some it may seem unfair, but my nephews brought so much joy and happiness to my Grandma when she spent time with them.

Your parents' intentions were clear. You took advantage of a technicality to hoard the money for your own kids. Your sister never mentioned it before because she's normal and it never occurred to her that you would do something like this.

She will likely bring a claim.

The money isn’t gone, there is still plenty in the pot. OP should give that money to her DSIS.

A) She can’t. It’s not her money to give away. It belongs to her dc.

B) That would involve pulling two children, one of whom is about to sit their GCSEs, out of a school in which they are happy and settled. That would be far more damaging to her children than never going to private school would damage her sister’s children.

Off topic but: what a complete waste of money.

Op your children could have had 100k+ to get them through uni without any debt and a house deposit each. Instead they got... what? Some GCSE teaching in a nice old building? 13 classmates instead of 28?

OP I don't really have any advice but I just had to say how sorry I feel for you.

I can tell from your posts that there is no malice in you and how much upset this is causing you.

You DO NOT deserve some of the vile posts on here.

The Will was, with the benefit of hindsight, poorly drafted. That is NOT your fault but you are now bearing the brunt of it.

Would it be MORALLY fair for your sisters kids to now benefit from some of the money, maybe, but you didn't plan for this to happen.

I am at a loss for advice for you but one thing I do think is that you SHOULD NOT remortgage your house.

Lots of people are saying 'how would you feel in your sister's shoes.'

That might be a fair question but an equally fair one is 'how would your sister feel in your shoes?' If she had put her kids in a school and there was just a enough money to see them through that would she now be remortgaging/taking her kids out of school to give you a load of money?

Good luck xx

For everyone who’s saying “what a waste of money” / “the children might have preferred to spend it on something else” - the OP has made it very clear that her DF left it for her children’s education and not for whatever they wanted. It’s literally in her first post.

Legally you have followed the terms of the will.

Morally, it's sneaky. If I was your sister I'd be furious. Were you hoping she wouldn't say anything?

Absolutely no way should OP remortgage! Private education is a want not a need- if the money had just gone into a trust fund to access at 18, then l could possibly see the sister's side but named in will for specific purpose, all OP has done is execute the will as per request.

@Bernadetteloves Read the effing thread. The money belongs to OP's children. They are minors. OP cannot do with it what she wishes, or indeed what her sister wishes. To take from her children's fund to give to her sister would be theft. If she steals from her children I think some of the opprobrium shown on this thread might actually be justified. Instead, the harsher posts on this thread are made by people who literally think she should steal from her own children. I hope you haven't really thought this through properly, and that you now understand that OP cannot do what her sister wants, irrespective of what a number of posters on MN seem to think.