AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

This thread is full of people who are not private client lawyers asserting with absolute confidence complete bullshit about wills, based on some half-cocked, misinterpreted understanding of an incredibly complex area of law.

None of you have seen the terms of the will and it’s very clear that most of you don’t know what you’re talking about, so how you can claim things like OP would have been ‘breaking the law’ by sharing the money with her sister is just absolutely beyond me.

Stop recklessly spouting shite that you don’t understand, for the love of god.

The fact that she blew it all on secondary school instead of preserving some for university makes me suspect it was her intention to drain the pot before her sister's children could claim some....

It seems bizarre for a single mum whose father believed so strongly in education to blow it and save none for higher learning.

The fact that the massive unfairness doesn't even seem to have occurred to OP in all these years doesn't bode well for the relationship between the sisters.

I’m inclined to agree with this. OP’s sister bears some responsibility for not bringing the issue up sooner, but I’m genuinely stunned that when the sister got pregnant it didn’t prompt OP to think ‘what’s the best way of ensuring all the grandchildren benefit from this money’.

Having said that it’s clear from a lot of the comments on this thread that many people view sisters as no more than awkward inconveniences. Lots of casual suggestions that the sister should be ignored, that her children are ‘nothing’ to OP, that it doesn’t matter if this ruins the relationship, that the sister is mad to think her children would be considered.

Lots of people on Mumsnet have strange, cold attitudes to family. I would understand if there had been abuse or some other cause of family breakdown, but that hasn’t happened here.

I have a brother and a sister and if I inherited a huge amount of money to their detriment there is nothing that would stop me from seeking every possible opportunity to put that right.

LadyDracula you're taking a battering here which isn't entirely fair.

Your responsibility is towards your children and to map out what you can do for them as best as possible with what you have available. If your sister truly felt that the 'grandchild' pot of money was to be shared she really should have said something before you enrolled your children into private schooling.

It doesn't take a genius to realise £135k between two children for education will not go far for private schooling. It might have stretched OK for university for four but as that's a long way off for your sister's children pretty hard to predict.

Whatever you do, don't put your financial security in jeopardy just to plaster over the cracks that will appear in your relationship. Nothing you do now short of giving your sister £67.5k is going to appease her and this will always be a wedge between you. Stripping security off your mortgage for a gesture that isn't enough really wouldn't be what your parents would have wanted.

Take some impartial financial advice before doing anything else. Whilst she might be your only family and important to you, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to hurt you for this the sad voice of experience

The money was left to your children, not you. Of course you can't give it away. Neither should you remortgage. Your sister is being horrible. It's enough of a struggle being a single parent, without all this. If she wants private education she should go back to work to earn it.

She has an almighty cheek even asking, she knew what the will said. Your relationship was ruined the moment she expected you to give her what belongs to your children. Don't give in.

Your parents will stipulated YOUR children so that’s just the way it is.

My grandparents left their estate to the grandchildren. They had 4 children. At that time 3 of their children had children so they had 3 sets of grandchildren ranging from approx 10yo to mid 20’s.

One of their children was a bit of a playboy manchild and settled down very late and had his children after they had died and the estate had been distributed. He was left a nominal token amount with the comment that he had ample opportunity over the years without children to put money aside for any future children. Of course though, while he had a good well paying job he had led a playboy single childless lifestyle where he had burned through his cash rather than saving it. I’m guessing it was my grandparents way of finally having their disapproval heard as he had always brushed it off when they told him he should be saving. When my grandparents died he was living with a partner in a house they owned so it wasn’t unforeseen that they would have children.

When they had kids he kicked up such a stink and wanted all the grandkids to rejig their proceeds of the estate so that his kids had an equal share. It was ridiculous as he started this jumping up and down when he had his first. Not sure what he expected everyone to do, put everything on hold for god knows how many years until they decided if they were having 1,2,3,4 kids etc. We gave him the finger. He got legal advice and the outcome was too bad so sad.

I really don’t see how this is any different. OP was meant to hold off organising the listed kids educations and future plans while twiddling her thumbs to see if her sibling was going to have 1 or 6 kids so she knew how much she had for each of her kids to organise. Ridiculous. It is what it is st the point in time the person dies.

Do you live close to DS? If you do then could you talk to the school? Maybe they will give her a special rate/bursary if her kids go there - because of the difficult situation? Though hard because they are such different ages.

Maybe have a talk with your kids. Are they planning on uni? If they would like to continue in private school maybe see if they can get summer jobs and contribute to your sis’ kids education. I think I would either downsize or rent a smaller place and let out house to give her the difference. Kids could also consider a working gap year to contribute to funds etc. It’s about team work and hopefully your sister will see your good intentions if you start doing this.

I've not rtft, but it appears from your first post perhaps your sister knew something about the money, or was it just the smaller amount she thought you both had? Your father probably didn't think she would have children, but now she has, and this has cropped up. I would at least give her some of the money. You're just going to have to suck it up I think, otherwise I also think there will be a rift. I can see why she would be annoyed, but slightly digressing private ed is not the be all and end all. As yours are settled in their secondary education, sure you can't suddenly change things now. So she wants to send her two private for primary, then presume state secondary? I don't know how much of it you would get through, but say you need 50 each, I'd give her the remaining 35? Sorry if those figures are way out, as I said not rtft.

@LadyDracula

It's not your money

The £135k belongs to your children

Your sister could petition them but there's nothing you can do

I am in the process of writing my will. This post emphasisis the need to get it right! It’s so complicated but so important. Your poor Dad thought he was doing the right thing with good intentions, no doubt, but he got it wrong...(or the people advising him did). I have no advice for you OP in terms of what to do. If you solve one problem you will create another...
What a horrible situation ☹️

If the money was left to the DC by name then the OP isn't allowed to give any of that money to her sister. It isn't hers to give and if she did this technically it would be theft.

It is shit for her sister and her sisters kids but even when she knew her sister was pregnant she still couldn't have given her half the money. If the money had been left to the OP with an understanding she would use it for her kids education then that would be different and I'd agree that at that point she should have handed over half of it to her sister.

Only option now is to remortgage her home.....but my gut feeling says why should she? She probably wouldn't have put the kids in private school if the money hadn't been left so why should she be out of pocket by a significant amount of money.

So let's say the father left 35k to the sister, and 170k to the OP, you think the OP should keep it as it's "legally" hers?

Legally sure, morally absolutely not.

The fact that she blew it all on secondary school instead of preserving some for university makes me suspect it was her intention to drain the pot before her sister's children could claim some....

FFS

@LadyDracula

If the money was left to the DC by name then the OP isn't allowed to give any of that money to her sister. It isn't hers to give and if she did this technically it would be theft.

THIS!!

My DH very wealthy grandad left them all 30K but left his DSis more and his big mortgage free house in london because SHE was the only one with a child that still lived round there and he wanted the child to have the home hence why he wrote in his will the house has to be left to grandchild once SIL moved out or passed away ... now my DH has a child (no one thought he would ever have) does that mean he should want a cut of the money and the house for our DD??? NOO!!

Your sister needs to get over herself, she chose to stick to the story of not wanting DC, DON'T put yourself money out of pocket for your DSis.... £35 K wont put them through private education anyway 4-16 years each so why bother...

you may have more children yourself so, if you've spent the whole 135,000, there would be nothing left for that one either.

Read
the
Thread

Maybe have a talk with your kids. Are they planning on uni? If they would like to continue in private school maybe see if they can get summer jobs and contribute to your sis’ kids education. I think I would either downsize or rent a smaller place and let out house to give her the difference. Kids could also consider a working gap year to contribute to funds etc. It’s about team work and hopefully your sister will see your good intentions if you start doing this.

This is a joke right?!

I blame your dad! 'Education was something he truly valued' - education is something I truly value too And yet my kids are state educated as was I. All of us doing well in life so far!

On a separate note If your a single mum & have a low income do you not qualify for a bursary?

Legally it sounds you’re right but morally it’s wrong imo. Why didn’t you bring it up when your sister was pregnant?

Very glad I'm not related to some of the posters on here, who if left their parents entire estate, wouldn't share it with their siblings as it's "legally" theirs.

Nice.

I think it's very unfair that your children are getting a 'free' private education and her child is not. What do you think is the right thing to do?

Couldn't agree more. Sharing is caring!

Going against the grain here.

The money was left to your children for their education, that was stipulated in the Will. There is nothing you can legally or morally do about that. It isn’t yours to give away or spend on other things.

Hard on your sister, but your father tied the money up. Your children are minors.

I would share my last penny with my brother and his children. But this money was left in trust for two named individuals for a purpose.

This thread is mental. The sister's children didn't exist when the will was made and the dad passed away. Was he meant to see into the future and assume his 39 year old dd was suddenly going to have a couple of kids if she hadn't got around to it by 39? The op says on page 2 that the will states the money is for her named children. Remortgaging her house to give her sister some money? Fuck that, all op is doing is carrying out her father's wishes.

The idea that the sister is entitled to anything is ridiculous. The money was left to the OP’s children for their education on the basis that the OP was the only one who had children at that point.

If the money had simply been left to them as a lump sum each at the time of the father’s death the sister’s children wouldn’t have had any claim on it as they weren’t born at the time of the grandfather’s death. This is no different, it’s only because there was a stipulation about what it had been left for that she thinks she should be able to make a claim on it but she can’t.

Ultimately the OP was given access to all the money, if the grandfather had thought the sister would be having children he would have stipulated it in his will that the money should be divided but he didn’t.

So given the sister didn’t have children at the time of his death it’s unfortunate but it’s how it is. To bad.

The slating of the OP on this thread is incredibly unfair. There is no way she should have been expected to keep some of the money for her sister’s children’s education as it was left for her children’s education. And let’s be honest here, it was six years ago and the sister didn’t have children for another two years and their education wouldn’t really become a serious financial outlay until they reached secondary age. So how long do people actually think that the OP should have been holding on to this money for on the off-chance her sister A, had children and B, decided to educate them privately?

Honestly money brings out the worst in people, usually those who feel they’re entitled to that which they’re not.