AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

I think you are getting a hard ride here. If I understand correctly Dsister had no children at the time your father died. So even if the Will has any provision for possible further children it would never have applied. A Will can't say "I leave money to x and y, but if after they have been given the money more grandchildren arrive they have to give back some of the money".

That would be ridiculous. No one could ever plan spending their inheritance. Now if you DF had used the money to set up a trust and worded it "for the education of his grandchildren" or something perhaps your sisters children would have been added. But he didn't. And to be fair who would with £135,000. It's lots of money, but not enough to educate unlimited children.

I think you explain to your sister that the money was left to your children, not to you and you do not have any right to just give it away. It was to be used for their education and you have a duty to ensure that that is what is done with it. If you want you can say You feel for her and as s token gesture you can offer them done money from remortgaging if you like. Once her children are secondary school age - as yours were when they started.

There is no obligation on you to do this but there is an obligation on you to ensure that money given to your children for their education is used for that purpose. It's unfortunate that your sister doesn't like the terms of the Will, but that changes nothing.

OP I haven’t read the full thread but YANBU. The money was left specifically for your children’s education. It’s a very unfortunate situation and the only person responsible is your father. However, he made his decision on all available evidence at the time and with good intentions. Yes it would have been sensible to have a discussion with your sister much sooner but you were both making assumptions about the other’s thinking, again unfortunate but nobody’s actual fault. I would seek legal advice just to prove that you cannot gift money that is not yours and try to have the conversation with sister, calmly. Explain that you understand her position and her hurt, agree that it is unfair but show that you cannot change it however much you may want to. Tell her how much she means to you and your children. Don’t put yourself in financial difficulty by remortgaging, particularly as no sum you raise is likely to be enough. It’s not your fault you are in this position. Equally it is not her fault either. You need to discuss this, empathise with the unfairness of it. But she needs to also acknowledge and accept that your hands are tied through no fault of your own. Hopefully she will want to maintain your relationship as much as you do. Good luck

oh god im so sorry for the situstion your in.its so tough on both sides.
I can see her hurt and can see her logic.
im flitting between the two isdes though beccuae I still think this could have been avoided on so many occasion before now!
starting with some clever person asking nyour day the question of his other day possibly having kids and what about their possible education needs.why wasn't this asked?!
my protective side would want my family to be ok and keep them in the education they are in. but for my sister id feel fucking shit.

dad the question of his other daughter*

Wow. What a horrible situation for everyone . I'm sorry I have nothing insightful to say

dad should have split the money equally between the sisters. Each sister can then do what they want with the money. It's a shame because then the grandchildren are not named but that seems sensible imo

As for this situation: there's nothing that can be done if the money is gone. Op can't very well take a second job or take her kids out of school, although that would morally be what she should do. Looks like sis will have to get over it somehow

I can't help but wonder if Dsis thinks that the OP has always been the favoured sister. OPs behaviour makes me think that she probably is, because she can't seem to have any empathy for how her sister feels. OP may not be able to change the terms of the will if the money was left directly to her children, but I think that at the time of his death, seeing such a vastly unfair split of money, I'd probably have given my sister the 35k that was left direct to me, to at least make it a bit fairer.

I think all the 'poor me' and my sister can afford it because she's got a husband is also a red herring. OPs children also have a father, but no one seems to be expecting him to chip in anything towards his children's education.

dad should have split the money equally between the sisters. Each sister can then do what they want with the money. It's a shame because then the grandchildren are not named but that seems sensible imo

As for this situation: there's nothing that can be done if the money is gone. Op can't very well take a second job or take her kids out of school, although that would morally be what she should do. Looks like sis will have to get over it somehow

Damned if you do and damned if you dont OP.
Your dad was specific. That money was to go on education for your 2 named children
Which you have done.
He didnt leave that money to you he left it to them.
Your sister is being unfair. I understand why shes got the hump but shes directing it wrongly

Oh dear, I think you've lost your sister

How sad you didn't think about discussing this 4 years ago when you had only spent it on a year of education for one child.

I hope your dc use their education wisely and not waste it.

Oh, wow, you are a very selfish person clearly.

How you can ensure your children have the best of everything and your sister's children get whatever she can afford by herself is beyond me.

You knew your sister had children before the money was spent yet it never occurred to you to split that money in half to fund all the children's education is also beyond me.

I feel sorry for your sister and she is justified in being angry with you 100%.

The sensible thing to do upon learning your dsis was pregnant was to contact the solicitor and find out if anything could be done. As pps have pointed out the will may have been variable depending on the wording.

You also had the option to keep the money for your dcs for university education. That way they would have been adults and could have chosen to split the money with their cousins themselves.

Putting aside how your sister may act further down the line toward you. By choosing to spend all the money while your children were minors you chose to do so without a thought of what may happen to your children’s relationship with their aunt and cousins.

I can understand why your sister is angry and if she is unable to reconcile her feelings, there will be far more emotional fall out for your children than hers if she cuts you all off. I hope your choices were worth it.

Tbh I’m sorry. I don’t believe you when you say you didn’t think of your sister’s child before putting your dcs into private school. Or are you really that much of a narcissist?

Really don't understand why OP is getting slated here. Her sister is being a CF IMO. That money was left for the OP's children's education. Why on earth would she assume that it would benefit her children too?

Maybe it is unfair but it was their fathers money to dispose of as he wished and he did. I would hope that your sister gets over it OP and doesn't ruin your relationship because of it.

@materialisticmandy why has SHE lost her sister? The money was for her DS, as named personally in the will. There is nothing she can do about that. If it said grandchildren, then that would be a different matter. This is not the OPs fault.

Also I dont think her sister is being fair either. Op's DC have been receiving a private education from secondary, yet her sister wants her own DCs to receive it from primary ?

As a side note, my DPs who are both very much still alive have made it very clear that I probably won't be getting an equal share of any inheritance as they want to leave an Islamic will. I think daughters get a third of a third or something and I have two brothers. I really couldn't give less of a shit. I'm currently a carer for my son who has severe learning difficulties so have next to no money but I'm not sitting here resenting the hell out of my brothers. It's not my money. It belongs to my parents. It's their decision to make. I'm not going to stop talking to my brothers if it does happen.

If it was me as soon as my sibling said they were going to have a chidlv I would think I needed to sit and talk with my sibling on what was the fairest way of distributing the money amongst the children. I just couldn’t see it as fair doing otherwise.

Please don’t remortgage your house!

Your father presumably left the money to the grandchildren he had a relationship with; and you have used it exactly as he wished it to be used. If your sister wants to go no contact over something monetary then that is up to her.

And have I not provided you with it?

Though really I don’t know why you require it as it seems you’ve worked in the same if not similar sector to me, also I have explained I haven’t worked there since I had children which was 2011 really it’s very possible my knowledge is outdated therefore this I’m going to try and trump and trip up this poster by any means vibe I’m getting from you really is quite a poor show and very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of especially considering I’m not the only person who has suggested similar.

I based my thoughts on the fact OP hasn’t actually said who is executor/trustee of the will (apologies if she has I must of missed that in melee off posts), nor has she specified where or in what manner the money is being held if it is even being held for them. Ideally it should of been placed in either separate education trusts for each of the children to dispense payments to whichever method/provider of education OP picked and the amounts split to reflect the amount of years left in education for each child upon the year of his death.

It could be very possible he could of left it in a bare trust for the children in which case then no later born grandchildren cant benefit or investment accounts but really who knows? If he did then no OP can’t touch it as it would never of been her property. All depends on the advice he got at the time of making the will.

Now she does say the money was left to X and Y but in what capacity I really wouldn’t know.

I think you have taken my words far, far too literally of course I didn’t mean she could take the whole amount and piss it up the wall on holidays, take aways and new shoes etc BUT In theory if the money was left to OP with no clear stipulation on how it is to be spent just a vague spoken wish that could very possibly have only been verbally communicated to OP with no proof that he wanted it to be spent on education then yes she could spend it on purchases she can loosely relate back to the children and their upbringing.

Again OP hasn’t confirmed any of this so how can I possibly give you a cast iron answer? I’m working blind here, unless she posts the actual terminology used or a picture of the will (which I highly don’t recommend under any circumstances) really how can I possibly answer correctly? She’s probably asleep like people without babies normally are at this ungodly hour.

If the money was left to OP with only a verbal wish it be spent on the education of her children then yes she could of sat down with her sister upon the news of her pregnancy and figured out a way of sharing fairly if she so wished.

Like you I’ve based my thought processes and opinions on not only what OP has disclosed which I may have completely misinterpreted of course, but on my knowledge from education and employment albeit possibly outdated.

I do hope that satisfies your yearning need for my authority.

OK then.

It was your "actually legally" that made me think something may have changed law wise, I wasn't questioning your authority but asking for a citation for the change. As I said, my studies in this area were a while ago.

Get proper legal advice OP. The lawyer can take the emotion out of it and work out the way forward.

But she was preggers when he died, wasn't he so why was this nor sorted out then?

and you're not talking 20k here - 135k is a life changing amount which could easily be shared.

In short, if you want your children to have any friendship you need to redress the balance. If anything, this is a badly written will, but you do need to address it.

What a horrible situation the father has created.

If my parents went nuts and decided to leave me with vastly more money than my sibling I certainly hope I would do the right thing and even it out as much as I could, even though it was legally mine.

And if they gave massively more to my sibling I would understand I had no legal recourse but it would absolutely sour our relationship if they just acted like that was fine.

The fact that the massive unfairness doesn't even seem to have occurred to OP in all these years doesn't bode well for the relationship between the sisters.

First of all, I am a lawyer and as their mother, OP has a legal obligation to safeguard their assets. Here, they would have a cause of action against her when they become adults if she just gave away their money. (Although highly unlikely)

HOWEVER, she also had an obligation to spend it as a prudent administrator and that is an AWFUL LOT OF MONEY to have spent in just a few years.

The money would have been put to much better use getting the children through University, so that they aren't saddled with massive debt at the end of it. There are some absolutely superb state secondary schools in this country.

@susieQ5604 what should she do then, in your opinion?

@SusieQ5604 as a lawyer you should know that OPs obligations depend on the wording of the Will. Which she has been very vague about.

Was there even a trust? Or was the money left to OP with wording expressing what amounts to a wish?