AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

That said it’s easy to see why your sister is upset. And it is likely that you will lose her over this.

But the sister is also prepared to yank the OP's children out of school for this. Loving aunt, indeed.

If I'm understanding this correctly your sister has brought this up now as her eldest is due to start primary school next year and wants to put her child into private. But @OP's children didn't go into private school until secondary...

So does that mean your sister expects her children to have MORE of a private education than your own children??

That doesn't seem right either? Surely if it's 'fair' then your sisters children won't need any money for their private education for another 10/11 years?

If I was the sister, I will be inspecting the will and possibly taking legal advice. It is strange that the sister came away with the impression that the money was in a pot for all grandchildren rather than the OP's dcs, X and Y. If it was really bequeathed to X & Y as the will says, then it would be better if she heard it from a lawyer.

Whatever happens going forward, make your choices with your head and not your heart.

At the end of the day your sister wanted her children privately educated from reception year rather that secondary school and then did think twice about demending you now move their school.

If you remortgage, or get into any financial trouble in the future do you really think your sister will help?

If you are giving money to your nieces/nephews because you feel like you ‘owe’ them how are you going to feel if you can’t help your own children out in the future because of taking on this commitment?

This is not your fault, you have to put yourself and children first.

The OP isn't being selfish, she has pointed out that her dad past away 6 years ago, only in the last 3 years her sister has decided she wanted children and got in a relationship. You don't spend 37 years saying you don't want children and then change your mind and get upset if your family doesn't expect you to have children and put in measures in place to split the money that has been expressly written to the OP existing children.

The OP has also stated her children went to public/state school till they started high school. So why does the OP's sister's children need to go to a private school for their primary school. That in its self is giving them an opportunity the OP's children didn't have. Instead some are suggesting the OP either deprives her children of a good education that was expressly written in the will for them or deprives herself of her own money to make right a situation she didn't cause.

''The other thing is IF it was put in trust like it should have been it would have been making you £8k £9k a year! Where that gone?''

sounds very high interest rates-what bank is this??

It is your DC money from their Grandad for their education , nothing to do with anyone else imho. Bad Luck for your Dsis and her DC but she must have known what was in the will years ago. It is too late now , your DC are in senior school and it is a very important time for them . Your DC were 8 and 9 when he died and he must have loved them very much to make his will as such, l am so sorry you have all this now OP

Everyone is saying that it is legally the children's and she can't do anything... we don't know because she hasn't answered that.

She said they were named in the will, but hadn't talked about the trust being set up and being physically unable to access the money for anything other then her children's education.

Her dad could have left it to them as beneficiaries. Then OP can't because it isn't hers.

Or her dad could have left it all to her, with a simple "for your children" note. That doesn't make them benfeciaies and the money isn't legally theirs.

If it's the former, then OP can do nothing but it is shit for her sister.

If it's the latter, then OP absolutely could have split it. And she knows her dad would want all his grandchildren to benefit, so when her sister fell pregnant she should have discussed with her sister how many children they planned to have so they could come up with a fair split.

Have I totally misread what the last OPs post said? £135k for the OPs kids education, fine ok, but she said she spent £35k of the inheritance paying off her mortgage? Really? if that's true OP then that's bang out of order..

Yes you have.

The OP spent the 35k her dad left her (the same amount he left her sister) on paying down her mortgage. The 135k he left the OP's kids has been used for their education.

Nothing out of order about it at all.

OP - can you clarify the wording in the will? A lot seems to hang on that.

I'm wondering what the replies would be if the OP had said 'my single-parent sister was left money by our father for her kids' education and now that I have kids too, I want her to remortgage her house so I can have the same luxury'.

I'm surprised by how few people are seeing the other side. Remortgage your house to save your relationship with your sister? What about - how awful that your sister would remove you from her life over money that wasn't yours to share?

DO NOT RE-MORTGAGE YOUR HOME OP.

You are currently, the only wage earner in your home and none of us know what's around the corner.
Do not put your own and your children's security at risk over this, it isn't worth it.

Slightly different circumstances but, I was in a similar situation to your sister.

I am 1 of 6 siblings.
Elderly, very rich, relative died and her will named my 5 siblings as the beneficiaries - nothing to me at all.
1 of my siblings, sadly, pre-deceased the relative, so his share (he was unmarried with no children), was also divided equally between the 4 remaining siblings.

I was offered nothing, by any of them.

I have not fallen out or stopped speaking to any of them.
The situation is what it is.

If your sister doesn't learn to accept this, she will be unhappy for the rest of her life.

But the sister is also prepared to yank the OP's children out of school for this. Loving aunt, indeed.

Exactly. Or see their mum saddle herself with nearly £70k of secured debt to give her the money. What a fucking peach she sounds, eh!

I agree with the poster who said what was OP meant to do, wait until her sister went through the menopause before spending any money on the education? Or slagging off the poor dad who presumably did what he thought was best? Do these posters think he should have consulted a psychic rather than a solicitor when making his will?

Just read your last post OP, how come you spent £35k of your childrens inheritance paying off your mortgage? I thought your father wanted it to go on their education? I'm sure you dsis would have loved that amount for her mortgage too..if you have done this then you must have access to the money..

Let’s also factor in that private schools pretty much always offer a substantial sibling discount

10% if you are lucky

just realised in my haste to post, others had raised the same issues i just pointed out. Tl:dr i believe YANBU.

@getawayslough It's not a banks internet rates. A financial advisor plans for school fees. I earn on low risk about £6-7k a year on £100k. Remember years of untouched money prior to secondary too.

Speaking to her DH might be a good idea. My husband would tell me to get a fucking grip of myself if I was behaving like she is.

It might be that naming grandchildren was actually intentional;
-grandad might have been thinking "I want to provide for these specific children who I know and love"

• or he might have had a long discussion with his solicitor about his intention, that he wanted it to fund private school fees. That's not unfeasible, especially as tuition fees might have been much lower when he made the will. If his intention was school fees then leaving to "all grandchildren present and future" would have seriously curtailed the amount that could be drawn for OPs kids because their aunt would have been of childbearing age until around the point they were finishing school.

If dad took sis at her word that she was never having kids, and if he was focused on school vs university then this could have seemed like the right option when his will was written.

We don't know what was in his head.

I think a lot of people on here don’t really understand what a trust is.

Honestly, one of the hardest lessons I ever learned was that life isn’t fair

It really isn't. Thank fuck I was born to parents who raised children who would do anything to help each other despite that.

OP I understand why your Dsis is upset but it does come down to the wording in the will. Hopefully for you the solicitor will explain that the will states the the money is specifically for your two DC only and you cannot change that even if you wanted to. I would expect your sis is also seeking similar legal advice. If it doesn't specifically mean your DC and can be interpreted as also other future grandchildren then your obviously going to have to hand over the rest of the money as it wasn't all yours to spend in the first place on just your DC.

A general shit situation all round.

@Teddy1970 the £35k was money left directly to the OP from her father. Her sister received the same amount. That was their inheritance, the children's money was separate.

YANBU it's not your fault that money was not set aside for your sisters children. Were you supposed to save money on the off chance she har chikdren late that your father didnt know about? I mean in an ideal world perhaps you would've... but I certainly would not gave thought too and I dont think many people would actually.
Its unfortunate for your sister but there are thousands of people who do not inherit the money to send their children to private school and yet get along just fine. It is slightly entitled that your sister has got this angry about this. I'd understand her being disappointed but to be angry at you for not saving money which was allocated specifically to you, in case she went on to have children is a bit nuts.
I really dont think you owe her anything, certainly as that money was not hers nor yours but belongs to your children... she would be taking money from your children and disrupting their education. Out of sheer entitlement.

Just read your last post OP, how come you spent £35k of your childrens inheritance paying off your mortgage? I thought your father wanted it to go on their education? I'm sure you dsis would have loved that amount for her mortgage too..if you have done this then you must have access to the money.

Not what the op said! Doth sisters were left 35k op used that to pay money off her mortgage! No idea what the sister spent the money on.

135k was then left (in some form) to be used on the education of the ops 2 children by name which it has been.

The only confusion seems to be on the exact wording/form the money was left.