AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

@multivac there’s no need for sarcasm, we don’t know what was happening in the OPs life at that time either - maybe her unborn neice/nephew wasn’t at the forefront of her mind.

The point is OPs DSis doesn’t get to go along with something for years and then move the goalposts. If she was unhappy she should have said something before it was too late. Now, it’s too late.

It’s like going to a restaurant, ordering the salad, watching the salad being made, eating the salad, and then complaining because you actually wanted the soup. There were literally years in which the DSis could have said something.

I don’t disagree that the split is unfair, but this situation is entirely of the DSis’ making and I dont think the OP has done anything wrong.

I do think YABU . If it were my sister I would want to give my niece & nephew that same opportunity as my child to the best education. However, I wouldn't take your children out of school as that would disrupt them. Can she use the 'leftover' money to send her children to private school for their secondary education?

I don’t think it is clear who the money was left to, actually.

The OP says her children were naked beneficiaries, but people use legal terms loosely.

The money may have been left to the children and gone automatically into a trust for them as they are under 18.

Or the money may have been left to the OP, with the words “for the education of X and Y”.

If the latter, a lay person might easily say that X and Y were beneficiaries, but they wouldn’t be. OP would be the beneficiary and the wish of the deceased to use it for X and Y wouldn’t be legally binding. In that case, the OP could have split the money with her sister when she had children, of OP believed that her father would have wanted to support all his grandchildren’s educations - but had not expected or anticipated more being born.

OP doesn’t say anything about the creation of a trust or executors, so I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that her children weren’t actually beneficiaries.

I don't get this!

The sister didn't have any children and presumably hadn't told her father she ever wanted them by the time he wrote his will. Was he supposed to be psychic? His will covered existing family. And the beneficiaries were named.
How long should the money have been left until all possible children were born?

quite frankly the fact that you’ve kept it all is awful

She hasn't kept it all! It was left to the 2 kids. It's not hers to keep. It's not hers to give away either.

And Jesus don’t remortgage your house. Your sister would be a grasping despicable bitch if she took that off you.

@PinkGin24 I hear you. But there's not much she can do if the money is already spent, surely. I know my sister wouldn't begrudge something that, ultimately, wasn't mine to decide anyway.

BeekyChitch "Can she use the 'leftover' money to send her children to private school for their secondary education?"

No, because it belongs to the OP's children.

Can she use the 'leftover' money to send her children to private school for their secondary education?

No, not when it was left to 2 minors by name - OP would be breaking the law if she gave the money away.

Have I totally misread what the last OPs post said? £135k for the OPs kids education, fine ok, but she said she spent £35k of the inheritance paying off her mortgage? Really? if that's true OP then that's bang out of order..

Schools around here with both children in the system from 4-18 will cost over half a million in fees alone... private schools can be incredibly expensive! It’s upsetting and awkward but it was on your dad to have sorted it better and your dsis to have talking about this with you sooner.

I don’t understand why people are laying into the OP. She didn’t write the will! Nor did she hide the will from her sister. The onus was completely on her sister to dispute the will if she thought it was unfair. Her argument is with her father and no-one else.

And I can’t believe no-one talked about it at the time the Will was ‘read’.

That said, I’m sure the disparity it must have crossed the OP’s mind again when she signed her children up for an expensive education. Did you try and sweep it under the carpet of your thoughts OP? That kind of thing does not get ‘forgotten’ by anyone. If it was me I would be mentally crossing my fingers all the time that no-one ever mentions your children’s inheritance again.

It is unreasonable for the sister to come running for money 6 years down the track. Where does she think this money is? It’s not her money! It wasn’t allocated to her and the time to feel pissed off about that is long gone. Her entitlement is as unreasonable as it is irrational.

(And while I’m at it...all this talk of opportunities for all the grandchildren. Whatever happened to the idea that state education can sometimes be, dare I suggest, quite good? Slavish devotion to private schooling or bust, is pretty depressing)

This is probably about more than money for your sister, OP.

It’s probably just hitting home that rightly or wrongly, your dad left a very unequal will and she’s the one that’s lost out. It would be hard not to over analyse that and wondering if it was a reflection of how her dad felt about her.

What world are people living in where money left in a legally binding will, to particular people for a particular person "should" just be given to someone else without consequences?!

For a start if the children where named as in "I leave £135k to X and Y to pay for their education" then the OP has no right to give a penny to her sister. Her sister has no right to ask for it and should have read the will properly instead of just assuming it was a pot of money towards educating however many kids turn up. Not the OP's fault that she didnt.

Secondly, what happened to the MN standard of "A person has a right to do what they want with their money and can leave it to who they want"? Or is that only when the MNer is the one left with less? If they get more they should immediately give it away? I smell the green eyed monster in a fair few of these posts.

OP either way I think your relationship will suffer over this. Whatever you offer her, unless it is exactly half what your kids got, wont be enough and so she will still be pissed off. I dont think you should remortgage for this. Your father made his will as he saw fit, end of. And anyway, you cant just chuck money at someone like this, there are tax implications for a start.

As Collaborate has said, and they are a solicitor

I cannot understand how OP is getting so much grief here. This £135k was inherited by her children. She can only spend it on her children. To do otherwise is theft from her own children. Her sister is literally demanding that she steals from her own children

OP you have abided by your Dad's wishes as laid out in his will. On MN you will find that when parents talk of what they will do with their money the comments are it is their money to do what they want with it. This is what your Dad did.

Your sister said she never wanted children and your Dad wrote his will as he saw fit at the time.

It is not your responsibility to pay for your niece/nephew. Your sister and her Dh have to sort that out themselves. You are not responsible. You are a single parent, they are a 2 parent family.

It isn't like you bought yourself a holiday home with the money, you have done what was specified in the will. The money is for your children's education, continue to spend it on that.

Your dads actions are just so sad, there just isn't going to be a way back from this for you and you're sister.

Some really hysterical responses on here.

First of all it was not a large inheritance at all, yes it’s a nice sum of money but £205k wouldn’t go very far between 4 children wanting a private education, it’s reasonable to think the the OPs father may have only wanted grandchildren he’d met and had a relationship with to benefit, he may have considered the possibility that his other daughter would have children after he’d died but that he couldn’t leave enough to cover all of their education so chose to only leave it for the 2 children he knew.

It’s not fair to expect the OPs children to be moved from a school where they’re settled and preparing for exams.

The money was left to child A and child B specifically for their education so that is what it has been used for, realistically the OP could not have been expected to wait until her sister went into the menopause before touching the money, which is what some of you seem to think. She used the money as per the Will, she could not indefinitely hold back the money in case her sister had more and more children, that wouldn’t work.

Wills can only be written based on the facts at the time so sometimes things will end up being “unfair” the OPs sisters children will still be educated, just not at a fee paying school.

Honestly, one of the hardest lessons I ever learned was that life isn’t fair.

Where did this money sit in between your father dying and you enrolling your eldest in secondary school? Who had control of it?

If it has been in an ordinary account, with you managing it, I can see why your sister thinks it would be easy for you to divert some her way.

But I also think you've all (not least your father, who has massively cocked up here) been extremely naive.

The will was totally fair, it is as the OPs DF requested.
The money was left to her children she is therefore by law not allowed to gift it to her sister.
Do not remortgage your house.
You have done exactly as your DF wished.

Ignore anyone saying your In the wrong your not!!

It is not uncommon in my area for children from private schools to move into the state sector for A levels, usually to a sixth form college. That might be worth considering for DC after GCSEs and would save two years' fees.

@Teddy1970 - OP and her DSis inherited 35k each (OP used her 35k on her mortgage)

135k was left to OP's dc for their education.

The other thing is IF it was put in trust like it should have been it would have been making you £8k £9k a year! Where that gone?

I'm with the op here, the money was left for her and i think op is being perfectly reasonable, it was only under 70k each child got-it is not millions. Sometimes life circumstances change etc I know posters here will tell you different but it was left to YOUR children. I think your sister needs to accept that.

I never said anything at the time she announced she was pregnant because she and her partner (now DH) both had full-time jobs in settled careers and she owned her own home.

What does that have to do with it?

How long should the money have been left until all possible children were born?

That's what I don't get should the money have sat in a pot till everyone proved they could no longer have children?

I know your getting legal advice and people on the internet can never be reliable for stuff like that but maybe we can unlock some of the points so you can get straight to the point with the solicitor.

From what people are saying the children's money would have to be in a trust if it was left to them is that the case? If so are you the sole trustee?