AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Collaborate "I cannot understand how OP is getting so much grief here."

It is utterly bizarre.

People just don't seem to understand that the 135k is not the OP's money, there is nothing she can do to share that money out. Nothing, it isn't hers. Her only control is to make the decisions for the minor's education (if the Will stipulated it was for education). If there is no stipulation she would have needed to make applications for the money to have been released to them for their education while they were minors, otherwise it would have sat there until they were of age.

Wills matter people, get them done properly, think ahead. What you write is what is what you want.

Your father made a very poor financial decision re his will. Sadly, both his daughters take after him in making poor financial decisions based on erroneous assumptions

“She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference“

Does anyone really think this is a reasonable suggestion?

Loads of people posted in the time it took me to post. The more I see of this thread the more shocked I am at the attitude of people who think the OP has been unfair and calculating. I think the sister was being a CF by asking what the budget for her children was. She knew the money had been left for OP's children who were named in the WIll. She also knew that OP was spending the money on senior school only but was asking for money for prep school as well.
I am surprised at referance to 10K per year school fees for secondary. DC2 left Y13 in 2014 , and fees, including lunch, were £5k per term. Definately not the most expensive school in traveling distance either.
Whether the WIll was entirely fair is another matter, but the money was their dad's to leave as he chose, and if he wanted to leave money for education of the only grandchildren he thought he would have, in the light of the sister's comments, he was allowed to do so.

or perhaps that’s the point at which the DSis should have had the discussion with the OP and told the OP she actually wasn’t happy with the will after all and wanted more money

Ah yes, of course. That's exactly the kind of forethought and conversation I was having in the early years of motherhood...

I did ask upthread what the will actually said, because surely under 18's can't actually inherit money? It would either be in a trust or given to the parents - which in this case, is the OP.

After having a hysterectomy there was no way any more surprise babies were coming along from me.

My sister is stubborn and strong-willed (which now I know more than ever) so my father would have never expected her to settle down after she had said for years (even decades) she had no interest in having children. At the time he died, she was 37, single and still saying she was career driven.

I never said anything at the time she announced she was pregnant because she and her partner (now DH) both had full-time jobs in settled careers and she owned her own home.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing however isn’t going to help me here. I understand the posters saying I’m morally in the wrong, and that’s why I’m trying to rectify this in the best way possible.

For those asking, I haven’t told my kids the situation. They love their aunt and I don’t want them feeling any guilt or shame over their education, or misunderstanding the situation and thinking my sister is angry ot upset with them.

I am now thinking the only option I have is to remortgage and release some funds for my sister that way. It won’t be anywhere near the sum my children got but it’s the biggest gesture I can give her.

She won't be happy with that. It won't be enough - she wants cash, not a gesture. I'd really like people to answer the question if the OP had handed over some cash for her sister's kids, what would have happened if either of them had another child? Would all the cash have to be kept in a bag until both of them went through the menopause and only then have it divvied out?! What what if they'd then gone on to adopt? Where would it end?

Of course the father should have split it 50:50. And yes the OP will regret spending in this way when her DCs need funds for uni. Its like everyone is supposed to have a crystal ball and then when they dont they can remortgage their house as a penalty.

But as I say, whatever you give her from the re-mortgage, it will never be enough

I also want to stick up for OP.

Given what has happened since her DF's death his will isn't fair but he didn't know that would be the case. Given her age her wasnt unreasonable to think she would be childless but even if he was what he did with his money was entirely up to him. It sounds as though he received legal advice and chose his actions.

If the OP would have had another child that did not inherit then i suspect she would have put some/ all of her personal inheritance towards that childs future education. That is exactly what the DSIS could have done... not chose not to.

OP i can understand why your DSIS is upset but maybe once things quiet down she will be able to see things more rationally., Although if she had half a brain she should have considered this sooner.

Just something to add.... i am the youngest in my family and have been in the position of receiving less inhetitance from an elderly relative that had set up a savings account and saved for myself and ny siblings. I was younger there had been less time to save. I am not bitter, don't have any issue with my siblings getting more nor do i expect them to give me money. That's thw6 way the world works. Things change. Shit happens. Life isn't always 'fair'

And I think it would be a very nice thing to do seeing as she hasn’t given her sister very much consideration up until now.

With the 135k being given to her dc as named beneficiaries, she didn't have a choice with respect to that money - by law it had to be used for the education of the 2 named children.

I am surprised at referance to 10K per
year school fees for secondary.

I am surprised that you are suprised! I live in Glasgow and most of the private schools here charge about 14k a year!

OP I think you are in an invidious position not of your making.
Legally you probably can’t give the money to your sister - it isn’t yours to give. Remortgage is not a good idea.

I agree with a PP suggestion (sorry can’t find it to ref)
Maybe educate your children to GCSE current school. At that point, or even now speak to them and say that when Grandfather died you did not have cousins and would they be happy to keep the rest of the money till they are 18 and then your DC can gift to your cousins. (Get legal advice about whether they can do this at 18 before speaking to them.)

If you had had a third 'surprise' baby, would you have excluded them from the inheritance because they weren't named?

Yes that’s exactly what would have happened. OP would not be legally permitted to take the money that was left to DC 1&2 and give a share to DC3. It isn’t her money.

She may be angry, but she’s angry at the wrong person

This is the top and bottom of it.

There should have been some sort of a trust set up, to be divided equally between his two children, specifically for the purpose of educating his present and future grandchildren. He was very badly advised by his solicitor to do what he did.

Not to hijack the thread but how would that of worked ops kids are 14 and 15 dsis kids are 3 and 1 if op had put her kids straight into private school or gone one to have another 2 children ect all the money could have gone before dsis even had children or would a percentage always have been kept back just incase she did? what would have happened to that if dsis hadn't had children? I'm not saying this wasn't a bad idea and it's obviously made things really awkward but apart from splitting things down the middle I'm not sure there would have been a fair outcome in this situation.

Op - If you feel you should do anything, wait 5 years, do it for the DN’s secondary schooling. Do not remortgage now.

I don’t see why the OP is selfish? The money is being spent on her children, not herself.

The comments about the OP losing the sibling relationship are just as relevant to the sister. Is she going to want to lose her relationship with OP over money for something that isn’t even an essential?

What would your dad want? I think you know he’d want it split and quite frankly the fact that you’ve kept it all is awful.

The Will is what OP’s dad wanted- that’s the whole point of writing one. Saying he would have wanted anything outside of a document that explicitly outlines what he wished to do with his estate is just assumptions.

And again- it wasn’t OP’s money to split. Why people are wilfully ignoring this important bit of information is mind blowing.

If you were to split the £135 between 4 privately educated children it would nowhere near cover it especially if your sister is wanting to enrol from age 4 onwards !

Your dad left his will to state for your children and that’s what it’s being used for. I can see she’s upset but it’s timing that’s caused it and the way your dad left his will is with no future provision.

Let’s all think about how wills could all have been different if someone had passed away a few months or years later.

And I don’t think you should have to do anything at all. The money wasn’t left to you.

So the op DC have only gone to private school for secondary, the sister seems to think that there is some huge pot of money that would cover her DC going private from reception

If the op wants to help out she could start saving now to help towards her DN going private at secondary, or help with childcare so her her high earning sister could earn and save towards her own DC going private for secondary.

The will is what is and no the money is pretty much accounted for the op has few realistic options! Certainly taking her DC out of their school is not one.

Given the money was left to your two DC as specifically named beneficiaries, it sounds like legally there was no option but for the money to spent on just the two of them. It's very unfortunate that this possibility wasn't contemplated in your father's will but it's not OP's fault. I think getting legal advice that makes this clear is a good idea.

That said, OP's sister is understandably very upset and I think it's really strange that this hasn't been discussed previously, particularly when OP found out her sister was pregnant.

Unless the OP gives the specific wording of the will we dont actually know what it says. All she has confirmed is that her dcs are named beneficiaries and the details regarding education. There are different types of trusts and the OP could have been an executor, trustee or both. She could have access to the funds or they may be controlled by someone else. Its not as clear cut as some people think. The OP needs legal advice and has said shes getting some.

And yes, if there is a possibility of future children then add that in. Wording will vary. I think our says 'other children of the marriage' but I have not checked it since updating after DS2's birth.

I think dsis has been a little underhand actually. Asking what the budget is? For a 4 year old? She clearly doesn’t want it all to be 50/50 and doesn’t seem to care about your kids education being disrupted. Or that this is correcting some of the statistical imbalance they have coming frome a single parent family (sorry)

I never said anything at the time she announced she was pregnant because she and her partner (now DH) both had full-time jobs in settled careers and she owned her own home

Yet

Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either