AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

Just because your sister had 'good money, a partner and a comfortable lifestyle' doesn't mean she was less deserving than you. I think that statement shows you did think about it at the time and chose to continue regardless. Very greedy and selfish. Horrible when your family shafts you like that

Minimum a private school costs is about £12k a year plus all the extras. 2 kids at school for 7 years costs a minimum of £168k. That's where the money has gone/will go.

I can understand why Dsis is upset, but I don’t think the OP IBU.

Even if the money was split now, it wouldn’t be enough for her to educate her 2 DC privately during secondary school, let alone primary AND secondary!

There’s no way in hell I would be pulling my teenage DC out of their schools.

The situation is unfortunate but the will clearly stated where the money should go.
Why on earth would your DSis believe the money should be split between her children and yours when it clearly stated it was for your children?

The money was specifically stated as an inheritance for OP's named children, she Cannot just give away their inheritance. I'm pretty sure that's freaking illegal.

I cannot understand how OP is getting so much grief here. This £135k was inherited by her children. She can only spend it on her children. To do otherwise is theft from her own children. Her sister is literally demanding that she steals from her own children

For God’s sake people, give your heads a fucking wobble will you?

You can't rewrite history. At the time the OP's sister was adamantly anti-child, pro-career. The money was left for a specific purpose, and has been consumed in the application of same. The father's will was drawn up to suit the situation as it stood. Sadly, the crystal ball was broken.

I wonder if the sister understands just how expensive 2 children through secondary independent school is.. best case scenario is £5k per term EACH. So , £15k x 5 x 2 and that is a really inexpensive school ( there isn't one that cheap around me.. cheapest is £7k) and doesn't allow for annual fee increases.

Her sister surely can't expect her sister to mortgage her house to pay for her children's education.. and £67 isn't going to get her far either!

If your father didn’t know she was planning to have kids how the hell could you have been expected to make provision?

When the OP chose the school at which she would start paying fees for her older child, her sister was already pregnant.

For me, that would have been the point at which I would have rethought.

@BrightYellowHat OP said as much, that her Dad assumed there would only be two grandchildren but would have provided for more if he had known about them. I was an estates lawyer for a time- it's a really really really basic thing to clarify with a client when you're taking Will instructions. But so many solicitors don't do it. Naming specific people instead of a category of people, when you want equality is prone to going wrong. What if one of the beneficiaries had died? What if they didn't want to finish school? What if they received a scholarship and didn't need the money? What if they were severely disabled and couldn't finish school by needed money for their care? Etc etc etc what happens to the money then?

If I was the dads solicitor I would have gone through the eventualities with him.

So if op give her sister half the money, then the sister has another child or two, is op expected to give her even more to ensure the money is split equally between all children?

My oldest dc has a trust fund from their grandpa who died 10 years ago. My youngest doesn’t as wasn’t born then. That’s life. No way would I expect my eldest to share theirs with the youngest.

I really wish people would read the posts and stop talking absolutely drivel.

The Will specifically states the named children should receive X & Y for education, the OP cannot give this money away as it isn’t her money to give away.

Her late father also not not foresee his daughter changing her mind about children 3.5 years after his death.

Name calling the OP, is extremely rude and offensive.

It’s not the OPs money to give away —technically illegal I would believe— it’s the children’s and would be going against her fathers wills wishes

As much as it’s sad for the OPs sister, the money isn’t hers to unhappy about.

@LadyDracula

Was the money paid out to you, with a little note from you dad saying "dear daughters, I know the money has been split unfairly but I want you lady Dracula to keep 35k for herself, so you have the same, and spend the rest on education for X and y".

If it was something like that, then the money is tours, with a simple requ3st from your dad for how it is spent but not legally binding and not legally your children's. If that is the case, then when your sister fell pregnant, you should have engaged your brain and thought "dad would like all the kids to have a chance at private secondary school. I will bring it up with her".

Or, was it left in a trust with instructions for you, as trustee, to spend it on education for X and y? In that case, even if you had thought about it, you couldn't split it.

What would your dad want? I think you know he’d want it split and quite frankly the fact that you’ve kept it all is awful.

I would never of done this to my sister nor her to me, legally she has no recourse of course but honestly you are horrible.

There should have been some sort of a trust set up, to be divided equally between his two children, specifically for the purpose of educating his present and future grandchildren. He was very badly advised by his solicitor to do what he did.

That would have been the best thing, but it’s hardly the OP’s fault it didn’t happen

And I appreciate that the inheritance might not cover the full education costs, but if it had been split between you both it would've made it much easier to make up the difference than had neither of you got anything.

The OPs father left the money to his grandchildren at the time of his death. If the OP handed half the money over to higher sister now and then had another 2 kids shortly after, do you think the sister would willingly hand back the difference?

Again I agree the situation is unfair but it is clear.

I don’t doubt had there been the 4 grandchildren at the time he died it would have been split
Says it all really.
I'm wondering at the wording as well. Was the money left for you to use towards education OP? How is it disbursed? Just wondering if you've enjoyed the benefit of such a large inheritance yourself these last few years.

I honestly could never treat my sister this way and I would never forgive her if she did what you have done to me.

I think it's a shame this wasn't thought through by your father and I'm frankly appalled that the solicitor advising has given him very poor advice, the correct thing to do would be set up a trust for paying for the education of all grandchildren - that would have allowed for any after the event of his death.
Who drew up the will, was it a solicitor? If so I wonder that you couldn't bring up a case for compensation as they have given very poor advice - although I suspect too much time may have already passed any complaint may be out of time - you'd need to raise the issue first with the solicitors that drafted his will, and if no joy check take it to the legal ombudsman. Check out your household insurance it may cover you for legal fees if you have to get another solicitor involved.

I'm not sure how you can rectify the situation, you're not legally obliged to give anything to her, but you could consider it.

I really can't understand why you would waste the education fund on private education. It would surely have been better held on to in order to finance university education, which is very expensive these days. That way there would have been enough for your DSis's DC as well, which is surely what your DF would have wanted.

I don't think OP has done anything wrong.

Inheritance isn't owed to anyone, I believe under UK law the estate can be split as desired by the deceased. So that's that.

Do not move your children, do not remortgage your house. That would be punishing your children.

Your 4 children being so far apart in age, gives you the opportunity to help out once you no longer have dependents which, unless you live in London, should happen when your niece/nephew start secondary school.

Moreover if the will states Child A and Child B as the beneficiaries, then there is no moral obligation imo. It's not her inheritance to redistribute, it belongs to her children.

OP is divorced, this is given her children a great opportunity, she can pay it forward by helping with holidays, sports and private tutoring when her kids have flown the nest.

As for the people who would disown this sister, it's nice to know you can put a monetary value on your relationship with a sibling.

Any solicitors here? Any time I redo my will it's always left to my son and any future children. Just in case I get pregnant again I'm now in my 40s and that is still the rule. Also money to children must be in held in trust and accounted for. This is making no sense. I have dealt with numerous solicitors and they would advise against this.

Instant Karma's Going to Get You

@multivac or perhaps that’s the point at which the DSis should have had the discussion with the OP and told the OP she actually wasn’t happy with the will after all and wanted more money.

The DSis hasn’t thought ahead and has left it too late now. Had she said something sooner the will could have been amended and a more equitable split agreed.

Ops proposal is that her children keep the money that was given to them, but that she gifts some of her own money to her sister by accessing equity in her house. So she isn’t giving away her children’s inheritance she’s just giving a gift to her sister which she is quite entitled to do. And I think it would be a very nice thing to do seeing as she hasn’t given her sister very much consideration up until now.

@Andro

A deed of variation is only applicable for adults. OP's dc were named beneficiaries and are minors, they could not have consented at the time and OP couldn't have done so on their behalf

Ah true. To be totally accurate, while the OP can't consent on their behalf, it is still possible with Court approval (and therefore increased cost).

The issue is that it's just such a huge sum of money to be so unfairly distributed. Agree your sister should have contested it at the time but she probably trusted that you would distribute it fairly.