AIBU to my sister over inheritance?

[LadyDracula]

6 years ago my father died leaving a generous amount to my sister and I (around 35k each) and left a substantial amount (135k) to my two children who are now 14 and 15. It was my fathers wishes for the money to be used towards educating my children as education was something he truly valued, yet at the time my sister and I growing up, he was unable to fulfil.

Fast forward to now, my sister has had 2 children (aged 1 and 3.5). I met up with her for lunch over the weekend for a general catch up and mentioned I have just been buying additional uniform for my Dd14. She said to me that she was looking around local private schools for her son who is due to start school next year and that she wanted to know how much the ‘budget’ was per term or per year. When I asked her what she meant she explained she wanted to know how much money was left for her two children’s education from the inheritance Dad left. When I explained none and that it had been spent (or will be spent over the next few years) on my two dc she went mental and ranted on about how selfish I had been and she had never thought for one second I would spend all of ‘our’ money on my own kids. I was totally blown away and hadn’t for one minute assumed he expected any of the money. My children both attended state primary schools and I only enrolled them at the local private schools for their secondary education. At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child and when Dad left the money in his will he said for X and Y (my kids). My sister was an older first time mother (39) and I suspect my father thought she had chosen a career over a family. I suppose I had that thought too.

My sister left and after ignoring my calls for 2 days has said today that she needs to know my next steps. She went on to explain my best option is to move my children from their current school - including my eldest who is now studying for GCSEs - to a cheaper one and she can have the difference. I told her that won’t be happening and that my children are settled and happy. She then went on that yet again it’s all about my children etc etc.

I have no idea how to make this situation any better and don’t want to lose my relationship with my only sister over this. I am a single mum so there’s no way I could ever afford to subsidise the costs either to appease my sister and give her some money. Equally I do feel awful because I know there’s no way her and her DH could afford to pay for a private education for their children either, and now she feels like her kids have been treated unfairly.

The OPs dcs may be named beneficiaries but the whole will needs rereading and there may be other sections which refer to future grandchildren.

OP what would you have done if you had gone on to have a third child?

Best question on the thread so far.

At the time I enrolled my youngest she was only just pregnant with her first child

So you only started digging into the money for 'your' kids' education once your sister was expecting a child of her own? And didn't stop to think for a second about your nephew/niece? Nice. Classy. I'm afraid I don't understand your relationship at all.

And how long should the op have had to wait before spending money on education?
The eldest has been there for 5 years.
Then what about the sisters' second child? Re-distribute the money?

I'm shocked that you thought she'd just pay her own school fees as she had a partner and was comfortable, while yours took all the money.

I'm not sure this is ever going to be recoverable.

Take your sister with you to the appointment.

@Blibbyblobby

A deed of variation is only applicable for adults. OP's dc were named beneficiaries and are minors, they could not have consented at the time and OP couldn't have done so on their behalf.

Actually OP I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Your father’s will is very favourable to you, however:

Presumably your sister is an intelligent woman who read the will, or who at least was aware of what was in it, after your fathers death.

If your sister was unhappy with it, why didn’t she say so at the time?

Or failing that, why didn’t she say anything when she found out she was pregnant?

It seems she cannot have been so unhappy with the terms of the will.

She can’t go along with it for several years and then change her mind and declare it’s not fair. She’s putting you in an impossible situation.

If she had raised it at a more appropriate time and you’d refused to give her anything, I’d say YWBU. But given she’s not made a peep for several years and is now raging at you when it’s frankly too late to do anything, she is BVU.

Your dad made a poor provision of his will and I'm afraid I'm on your sisters side. You each received an equal amount, and then you also received a substantial education fund, so your children had the opportunities he couldn't give you. But only your children, your sisters deserve no opportunity to better education, because she wasn't quick enough to have them whilst your father was alive?! I also don't see how you've already spent over 100,000 in two years. I'm not surprised your sister assumed her children would also benefit from the education fund. I wouldn't be suprised if she went NC. I probably would.

Agree it's just a poorly drafted will and it shouldn't have been assumed she'd never have children.

If there was a reason he'd leave her out, bad relationship etc then of course that's different but it sounds like had he known there would be more children to come he might have shared it.

I'd feel much more sympathetic if there had been a long gap between your children's schooling & her pregnancy but there wasn't

Your Dad clearly received bad advice and the Will did not reflect what his actual wishes were"
How on earth do you know that?! It's far more likely that the will was written exactly as he wanted.

What a mess.

I know two sisters in their 60's who fell out with each other when an old Auntie gave the vast majority of her money to one child because she was poorer than her sister who'd married into money.

You should have thought about it more carefully when your sister had children that really your Dad would have wanted to give all his GC the same opportunity. I'm not sure how you put things right. But i think you offer up what you can, even if it's an offer to help when your sister kids hit uni and your free of the cost of your own kids.

@Blibbyblobby you can’t do a deed of variation to the detriment of a minor because they can’t legally agree to it.

Actually wills can be altered as long as all beneficiaries agree and it's done within two years of the death. My family did this to pass my gran's legacy directly to her grandchildren instead of to her children. It's called a Deed of Variance.

So if your sister got pregnant after the two years had elapsed, there was bugger all anyone could do anyway.

If it was within the two years, I actually feel that the onus was on your sister to raise the issue- how were you to know that she'd completely changed her mind about having a family after years of saying she wasn't interested?

I think she'll calm down eventually, OP, and realise this isn't your fault. Perhaps your solicitor could write to her explaining everything and that a Deed of Variance was the only option available (and might not have been relevant if the two years had elapsed).

Inheritances can wreak havoc in families, it happened in DH's extended family as well.

Don’t take your sister to the appointment, you need to be clear first on how it all is.

Your sister should be capable enough of making herself a appointment if she wants to. Just like she should have been capable of bring this up with you when she changed her mind about having babies.

OP says it was assumed she wouldn't have children.

I'm not seeing how money legally left for individual named minors could be transferred to others. The trustees wouldn't allow this.
If I was your sister I would be gutted but life is unfair sometimes.
Taking money out of your house isn't sensible.

I think if it was just a few thousand it would be different, it's the huge amount of money that is the issue and such a disparity between what you and your sister got. I understand education being important to your dad and he could still have split the huge amount between the two of you and made it clear that he would prefer some of it to be spent on education. My in laws split their significant money between their 3 kids.

YANBU

what does she expect you to do? Magic the money out of your arse?

The money was bequeathed for your children. If your father didn’t know she was planning to have kids how the hell could you have been expected to make provision?

She can pay herself if she wants them to go private or do what 90-odd percent of the population do and just send them to state schools, it’s hardly like you’re depriving her kids of an education.

My understanding is that if that if John and Jane were specifically named in the Will and it wasn't contested within a certain time frame then even if OP had had a 3rd child then they would not be entitled to any of the money.

If the Will said something like 'to my grandchildren' or 'to the children of OP' with no specific names mentioned then there might be something the OP could do.

If not, the money is not the OP's to share. She has done nothing wrong. It would be immoral and illegal for her to touch her children's money for other purposes.

I am going to speak to the solicitors who dealt with the will tomorrow and ask to arrange an appointment with them to go through everything explicitly and put it in writing so I can approach my sister with the facts.

Sounds very sensible to me op you haven't dismissed your sister but you shouldn't rush into anything at this point! Your sister has 2 young children what is she wants a 3rd? Legal advice is the best move.

Presumably she started digging into her children’s money when they started secondary school.

Again, do not sell or remortgage your house as a knee jerk reaction, that is your family’s security and you shouldn’t be expected to risk it. Can you get a copy of the will and/or get the executor to explain that, as money specifically set aside for your children, you were not in a position to divide it up?

It may be unfair but ultimately that’s life, your father made a bad will but that’s not your fault and you shouldn’t ‘make it right’ by spending money you don’t have, that’s foolish. She may be angry, but she’s angry at the wrong person.

Oh crikes m! Hftft but I just had this discussion with my DM as my DFIL willl not make a will.

My DM has stated w
She wants to give a children equal amounts (as in her children) and my DB won’t have kids so she didn’t think it was fair to give money to grandkids.

I’ve told her to stipulate ‘from their share; they are to issue certain amount to each grandchild which is to be held until the age of (whatever)’ This way, it’s not me who’s giving it, but my parents.

I get why some are saying ‘what about so and so’ but, you weren’t to know. I’ve just told my parents to soecifically say ‘and this will be taken from their share’ to make things fair

You purposely spent all of it when the reasonable fair and decent thing would have been to split it in half yourself, and leave 50% for the education of her children

That wasn’t possible because the money was not left to OP. She can’t legally take someone else’s (her DC) inheritance off them and split it in half! Posters saying she should do this are quite frankly ridiculous if they think you can just seize someone else’s money and give it away as you see fit.

I'd have guessed that your father would've likely wanted all his GC to benefit. However, you are where you are and it's a tough situation in regard to potentially disrupting your children's education.

But all considered I'd defo not be happy if £170k of my father's estate went to my sibling's family and I was left with £35k.