To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

that your DH said that you and your baby have priority over his other son

oh stop bloody twisting everything. You are not watching some crappy soap opera, it's someone's real life.

making plans to care for existing children is what normal people do in real life.

YAbu, you are ALL a family, including your DHs son and yes you are BU! You wouldn’t send your older child away if you had one - you know you wouldn’t, think how it would make him/her feel if you did becuase of the new baby. In fact when you have a baby come along most parents go out of their way to make sure the elder kid doesn’t feel pushed out. Have DSS as planned, if you end up having some emergency the. Look for other arrangements JUST as you would if he was your biological child.

How long until you are due OP? DH could use the remaining weeks to work on DS’ sleeping and create a wind down bedtime routine ( calm bath with lavender oil, story, bed) so that come the weekend in question DS is used to it and knows the score. Then if necessary DH could take him out for an hour before dinner on his scooter/bike/go for a walk to tire him out (like we do on Xmas eve ) then do dinner (takeaway ) and bedtime routine to get him settled down.

I'm guessing you were all the first wives

Nope. Dps divorce has just come through. We are getting married and ttc, so you are dead wrong.

Nobody agrees with you OP so you can'rephrase' it all you like.

YABU

But I imagine you'll do what you want anyway... just beware, your DH won't love you for it. He has a DC already that, in truth, he will love more than you.

At 4 he won’t even know what day of the week it is. Not staying over for one night will not cause him any harm

Yabu and unlokely to be home anyway

I’m not a stepmom but wouldn’t send the little boy home after visiting in the day. He’s 4. He’s likely to be excited to see his new baby brother/sister and to be sent home when he would normally sleep over just doesn’t sit right with me.

I do see your point of view and underyehynyou would feel that way but I wouldn’t want to upset my stepson who is so young himself, especially when you say that you do care for him dearly.

Your husband will have to make sure that he is there to oook after all three of you. He’s a grown man and more than capable of doing so.

As for what we did with our eldest child, when we had DS2 we had DS1 home with us the morning after we came home from hospital. It would have been the same day but we didn’t get home from hospital til nearly 9pm. At night, i got up with DS2 and DH got up with DS1, and I caught up with sleep during the day. No idea why that’s more difficult to do with a stepchild. Would have had DS1 in hospital visiting but children were banned due to norovirus outbreak.

However, inductions CAN take time and it is wise to have contingency plans for this for childcare reasons.

oh stop bloody twisting everything. You are not watching some crappy soap opera, it's someone's real life.

What I said was literally taken from the OP so how did I 'twist everything'

I agree with most. You are being vu.

But from your response I think anyone saying this might be wasting their time?

DH and I have 3 DC, no step or half siblings so I don't come from a position of bitterness as suggested by a PP. It's an awful thing to even suggest the SC can't stay over. Your partner can look after his child and help. Three days PP unless you've had a CS your partner won't need to do everything for you.

PP's: would you do that to your own child?!?
Other PP's: well actually yes, we had our own children stay away.
Original PP's: IT'S NOT THE SAME!!!

classic MN!

I "shipped" my existing bio kids to friends for a few days when I had my last baby. Everybody was happy.
Can you picture the uproar if I had sent my kids and a step child over some friends for the weekend...

Sorry CallMeVito, but you are wrong. I know someone where this happened and the existing child (this child is not the father's stepchild) was made to feel from day 1 that she was no longer wanted and a second class child.

The stepchild does not "have a home with his own mum", but has two homes: one with his mum and one with his dad. Why should he have to leave his home because his dad has another child?

The OP wants time with her family, who she considers to be her baby and her husband. However, part of her husband's family is his first child who was already put through a separation/divorce. Very likely his attachment has been affected (according to Margot Sunderland over 80% of children who experience the divorce of parents go from secure to insecure attachment). The OP is an adult and for the baby it won't matter. The most vulnerable person in that family is the stepchild.

No I'm sorry but this is just unfair.

If SS was your bio son would you farm him out somewhere for the weekend??

You and your DH have a commitment to your stepson. Don't chuck it out on the very first weekend that his new baby sibling is here!!

I honestly don't think this is a case of MN hating step mum's, more a case of people being child centred. That's a good thing!

If you lived with a child who has experienced this perhaps you'd understand. Its hard for them and a situation they have had no choice or say in. Be shocked all you like.

Btw OP are you not allowing visitors for a certain time after you give birth?

@Wendycope try reading the thread before jumping to conclusions. Some of us DO agree with the OP.

Three days PP unless you've had a CS your partner won't need to do everything for you.

sorry, but how do you know? Some women bounce up very quickly, others have tears and issue and are not feeling that great. I don't want to scare the OP who already has to read so much crap on here, but no one knows how a birth is going to happen and how a mother will feel.

PP's: would you do that to your own child?!?
Other PP's: well actually yes, we had our own children stay away.
Original PP's: IT'S NOT THE SAME!!!!

I never asked if they would have their own child stay away. I don't agree it's the same because the ops bio child would be there every night after

I can completely understand how you feel but if you had a biological, older dc you couldn’t ship him/her off. Imagine how your SC will feel? New baby comes along and he’s stopped from being there, it’s.m his sibling too.

I think you should make it crystal clear to your dh that he needs to pull his weight with baby and dc, and then some, but I’m afraid yabu and should change any plans

@WendyCope

Quite a few of us have said we see where the OP is coming from and have done exactly what she is suggestion with bio children

A similar thing happened to my SIL when my DNeice was born. She was very nervous about being a first time mum and wasn’t sure about DNephew (5) being around the first night.

DB spoke to my nephew and explained that since he was such a big boy now that he was a brother did he want to have a sleepover at Auntie Sun’s house the night the baby came home, or would he rather stay with him, SIL & new baby.

DNephew chose to come and stay with me & needless to say we made a very big deal about him being a big brother and how proud of him we were. We did lots of playing, stayed up late and ate (far too much) ice cream. He had the best time and spent the next week talking about how exciting it is to have a baby because people give you ice cream.

Him and DNeice are great friends and he hasn’t been harmed by it at all!

I guess it’s different because he chose to come and stay with me, but it does go to show not all kids would be damaged by staying elsewhere. Only you & DP know your DSS and what is appropriate for him. I’d say trust yourselves, but make sure you make a really big fuss of him!!

Honestly as a sm, its really damaged my relationship with the kids having them clambering all over me while I was very unwell post birth, trying to breastfeed and dp was being unhelpful. Yes a dp It's problem but it's left a lasting upset. fine if your DP is hands on and will keep him busy but otherwise I agree it's a no.

Yes he absolutely needs to meet his sibling asap but I also absolutely understand your apprehension. Are you and the ex on good terms ? Could you speak to her and swap weekends or possibly she support the decision and offer any ideas so DSC feels supported ?

As an alternative- Could your mom come and stay with you so you have support for baby while stepson is there ? That way you will ahve some help if dp is busy or you feel overwhelmed.