To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

@ohreallyohreallyoh
Points taken on board. I articulated my points really badly.
The financial thing - I shouldn’t have said it.
I have one person - a good friend of mine- is totally manipulated by his ex and she uses the finances as way to control him and not let him move forward.. despite her having a new partner and children. BUT I get this is not the norm. This is an exception, and many posters when talking about finances are talking about men who won’t even pay the basic amount etc.
I just struggle with black and white statements about what is right or wrong. But I get that my point doesn’t work in majority of cases.
Apologies. I won’t go on as it’s not really helpful for the OP and her thread

I think the reason that you are getting a harsh response is that when someone, your partner, has a subsequent child, the primary concern of the parent is for how the existing child will feel. Because having a sibling and how the parents respond is utterly, completely life changing for a child. And for a young child it is so important.

So actually at this time your partner should have his current child as a priority.

And actually that’s what parents do eg ensure that bedtime routine and stories and clubs etc continue even with a new arrival because it is so important.

This thread is beyond ridiculous!!

If op was saying I would like to send DSS away and never see him again then the accusations would be founded!

It’s one night while she could be recovering from god only knows what type of birth!!

She’s a step mum yes but that dosent trump her own emotional well being! If she’s upset, in pain then babies pick up ok this and also become unsettled! 🙄

So DSS is more important than any subsequent child? No! because that would be silly, some common sense should kick in on how to manage the needs of all children involved!!

I am sure if a 4 year old gets to visit, gets a cuddle and a special little gift from the baby they would be quite happy to go back home to mum and told they can come back during the week or following weekend for a visit. A 4 year old dosent have the capacity to think oh wait I think I am being pushed out here for the rest of my life!!

DSS mother should also have a role to play in managing her own child’s expectations... that new baby is coming and it may mean he can stay but he will have some special time with mummy!! Why is all of DSS experience with new baby arriving all down to OP?

Wonder how may of the posters giving OP a hard time are part of a step family and look after DSC always putting there needs before there own or there own child’s needs?

I’ve seen a step family that works very well with DSC mother working along with the new wife and also knowing when it’s time to give them a hand/ little space when they have had operations/ birth/ lost family members it’s a balancing act, give and take and it works well!

I’ve also seen a awful family situation when DSC mum has been selfish and expects the step mum to jump if she clicks her fingers and expects her son to be put first in all scenarios and get the largest Christmas presents etc.. also other family members telling new wife and partner they should have DSC for every holiday, weekend, all DSC birthdays.... yet never question the ex wife when he’s away on holiday with her new partner and children leaving DSS behind!!

I have a feeling as OP is a woman it’s just naturally expected by other woman she should man up and put her own needs last and look after DSS!

Blended family’s only work when everyone is equally and everyone’s needs are considered not when someone’s needs are put first to the detriment of others!! I’ve seen it... it caused resentment long term!!

Having a baby is a huge deal OP should be allowed to give birth and recover!

Blended family’s only work when everyone is equally and everyone’s needs are considered not when someone’s needs are put first to the detriment of others!! I’ve seen it... it caused resentment long term!

I agree. Op clearly doesn't. She wants it 'just us'. Not considering that dssis part of dhs 'just us.

OP isn't asking for time to recover or rest she wants time with her own little family. That doesnt include dss.

That fact that there are no plans mentioned for what happens if spontaneous labour occurs (if there was dh wouldn't be so surprised by the ops request) shows how much involvement they have with him.

She has her induction date, and they still haven't made childcare plans for their weekend with the child.

^this.

OP may not feel comfortable trying to establish breast feeding with DSS around, she would not have exposed her breasts to him before (I assume!) and will want to feel confident and able to feed so that she can then manage how exposed she is when DSS is around. When I was trying to establish BF in first few days I was topless pretty much the whole time. MW visits and then BF coordinator all pinching my nipples trying to get milk. It was a tense time where I had to accept being topless in front of strangers and then accept that I had no milk to feed my baby. It took 24hrs to express 1oz and I was told to FF after that.

You never know how things will be post-birth. I'd also had EMCS and needed a lot of help. 4 yo are still full on. OP is being sensible and planning for DSS to have a positive experience.

Blended family’s only work when everyone is equally and everyone’s needs are considered not when someone’s needs are put first to the detriment of others!! I’ve seen it... it caused resentment long term!!

Then don't use words like I want some time for just us They aren't just us and her DH has 2 DC not 1.

Then don't use words like I want some time for just us

Despite the fact that 100s of parents with older DCs openly say this - and make arrangements for one-on-one time with the new baby 🙄

I agree. Op clearly doesn't. She wants it 'just us'. Not considering that dssis part of dhs 'just us.

^^

It seems like everyone’s expectations of a step mum is for her to magically turn into Mary poppings!!

What’s wrong with her ‘just us’ statement?

She wants a little time along with her partner and new baby! To bond, catch her breath after birth! Why does this make her a terrible step mum?

When you become a step mum you have to always put DSC first in every situation?

Giving birth is a huge thing and it’s natural sice she didn’t give birth to DSC she may initially want a little space!!

So that equals being an awful person and abandoning DSC!

Honestly I have a feeling my mother in law is posting in this thread! 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

She wanted my BIL and new wife to take his daughter from his first marriage on their wedding night to the hotel!!

There was accusations of pushing DSD out despite BIL and new wife arranging for her own mum to look after her own DC!!

😂🤯

Despite the fact that 100s of parents with older DCs openly say this - and make arrangements for one-on-one time with the new baby 🙄

They openly say to their other young DC on the arrival of a new baby. You have to go to x as we want time with just us?

I have genuinly never known anyone to say those words to a young child.

OP may not feel comfortable trying to establish breast feeding with DSS around, she would not have exposed her breasts to him before (I assume!) and will want to feel confident and able to feed so that she can then manage how exposed she is when DSS is around.

So step son has to wait until she has established breast feeding and is feeling confident. That takes ages for some!

Despite the fact that 100s of parents with older DCs openly say this - and make arrangements for one-on-one time with the new baby

And they use the words 'want it to be just us' do they? No because most biological parents automatically view 'us'as including all their kids. And I imagine the biological parents wouldn't have waited until last minute or assumed childcare would be taken on by someone else.

And again, was isn't there all the time. Could even be as little as one evening every 2 weeks. So it's very different to some having a second biological child.

A 4 year old dosent have the capacity to think oh wait I think I am being pushed out here for the rest of my life!!
You are so wrong with that ststement. They don't need to think it, they feel it.

You can't compare biological with step children. If the biological go to nan's for a night then that's fair enough - they will be back the next night, and the night after that and the night after that......

If the step child doesn't stay on their scheduled night then it could be up to 2 weeks of not staying over. It's just simply not nice.

As for the breastfeeding comments, don't be so ridiculous. The child is 4.

This thread is infuriating. Can't people put themselves in the child's shoes?

Despite the fact that 100s of parents with older DCs openly say this - and make arrangements for one-on-one time with the new baby

And they use the words 'want it to be just us' do they?

well, yes, some of us do, why else do you think we make arrangements for someone else to look after the kids? Because we don't want to have to take care of them when we are already looking after a new born and we need a few hours of peace, that's why!

Treating the step son like a bio son? that means sending him for a few days with friends. That's not the OP Is doing, she asked her DH if it was possible not to have the child overnight - meaning possibly staying with his own mum, with grand-parents, there's choice.

Stop trying to punish the OP because she is having a baby with her husband - she has every right to make arrangements like any other mother.

No one expects OP to be Mary Poppins.

She just needs to stick to the scheduled night. She'll have loads of time to be just the three of them.

And there wouldn't be this option if the child was hers biologically.

It's just basic kindness.

most mothers with older biological children are the ones dying to get home to their family as soon as the cord is cut.

I said that I wanted it to be just us when I bought the twins from nicu. It's not a statement of me not including DS1 but a statement of me wanting to get to know the babies so that I can figure out a routine that suits all of us.

And they use the words 'want it to be just us' do they?

Well, having watched several series of "One Born...." over the last couple of weeks, yes, many of them have used exactly those words.

And at no point has the OP said that she would say those words to the DC directly 🙄

And there wouldn't be this option if the child was hers biologically.

despite tens of posters telling you that they are...

I love how some posters refuse to read and acknowledge something because it disprove their argument

Yabvvvvvu

Stop trying to punish the OP because she is having a baby with her husband

Don't be ridiculous. I am not punishing anyone.

Surely the concern is that what the op expressed in her post was what was best for her.

Whereas when small children are involved their parents, her partner, need to always do what is best for the children.

Those two things may or may not be the same but the child needs and feelings have to be paramount.

In this situation it means lots of careful planning to ensure that there is a plan that the child is aware of and comfortable with when labour starts and ensuring everyone knows what is happening. And that the child is comfortable with the forthcoming new arrival

The fact that Induction is tomorrow and from the op now of this seems to have been talked about suggests that the father is not prioritising his child needs and feelings

The arguments of this thread seem to be:

1). Step mums can't expect to have a first-time-mum experience because their DSC is their DPs first born and they should be treated as such.

in which case, the OP can do what many couples do and arrange for alternative childcare for older DCs

OR:

2. DSC have to be treated differently from bio-DCs and given greater consideration.

in which case, each DC is different and what works for one will cause damage to another. The DCs parents are best placed to make this judgement taking into consideration the feelings of everyone in the two families.

It's interesting that noone has mentioned the potential impact of a new baby in the OPs family on other DCs in the DSC mother's household. Some half siblings get very jealous if their older sib has a baby sib in the non-resident household. Why isn't that child's needs being considered? Surely, they should be allowed to spend time with the baby too, so that they don't feel left out? 🙄

well, yes, some of us do, why else do you think we make arrangements for someone else to look after the kids?

Ok so some biological parents do. Which I find odd. 'Us' is me, dp and both my kids.

But the point is that making 'Us' a group that doesn't include dss is different. Yes kids of separated parents can take things in ways that kids whose parents are together don't. Which is the adults responsibility. All the adults.

No one said she would say it to the child. The point is, is that you don't have to.

Stop trying to punish the OP because she is having a baby with her husband - she has every right to make arrangements like any other mother.

No one's punishing the op for having a baby with her husband. I will hopefully be having a baby with DP, who isn't the father of my older 2. So why would I be punishing her. If my dp suggested turfing my kids out so it was just us he would get toldbto piss off. My kids will see that we are all family right from the get go. One family. He would be reminded that 'just us' is all five of us.

Do has a step son who he treats as his own son. I wouldn't turf him out either.

Op isn't like any other mother. She is like any other step mother having her first. Having step kids means things have to be different. The step kids feelings have to be considered in a different way than they would if they aren't step kids.

And again, it could be potentially 2 weeks before the dss is back. Op and her dh have loads of time for it to be just her, him and the baby.

when I arranged for my kids to stay over friends and families for a few days, it was what was best for me!

Technically I could have taken a cab to hospital and DH stayed home with the kids, and all waiting for me to come back with the baby.
I chose not to do that, and to have an empty and peaceful house for a couple of days.

Exactly as it should be.

@SEsofty Where does the OP say that her induction is tomorrow? A Thursday does not mean this Thursday.