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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

485 replies

adviceneeded89 · 29/01/2019 20:33

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

OP posts:

Iris27 · 30/01/2019 11:54

Call me vito. Please reread my post. Sending older kids away for a night is fine if they will be consistently there after.

This kid won't be.

You can't compare the two situations. She will have plenty of time without the step child being there already.

Is that clear now 🙄

SEsofty · 30/01/2019 11:55

Fair enough. Normally induction are only confirmed few days before but could be in the future

CallMeVito · 30/01/2019 11:55

Boysandbuses
but the only important thing in your post is that YOU get to decide how to make the arrangements. Your choice is valid. I made a totally different one for my own (I had 4, my closest sister 5 so the kids are used to be turfed out ) and my choice is equally valid.

Why shouldn't the OP allowed to make her own choice?

moanymoaner · 30/01/2019 11:56

YABU . Poor child is going to be feeling it , they need reassuring that daddy's time with them isn't changing because of new sibling. Please don't stop him/her coming this weekend . You might not be home anyway!

CallMeVito · 30/01/2019 11:57

Sending older kids away for a night is fine if they will be consistently there after.

This kid won't be.
He will be there during the day. Nothing prevents his bio mum and dad to arrange more visits during the week, when his dad is on paternity leave....

The OP has the right to make the same decisions as any other mother. that clear now?

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 11:58

Why isn'tthatchild's needs being considered?

That's for that's child's parents to sort out and think about. Op and her dh wouldn't be that child's parents.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 11:58

Why is it assumed that the OPs DSC has a clockwork EOW contact schedule which is so established that one night back with Mum after spending the day with his Dad, stepmom and new halfsib will somehow be traumatic for him?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/01/2019 11:59

As I said on a very recent and very similar thread "being a step parent does not make you less valuable". YANBU.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 12:00

That's for that's child's parents to sort out and think about. Op and her dh wouldn't be that child's parents.

Well, the OP isn't her DSC parent either. Surely it's perfectly reasonable for her to ask for time on her own with her baby and DP, and up to her DP and his ex to decide what is right for their son.

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 12:02

It's not being assumed. It's being brought up as a consideration. Since most people do have set schedules and op points out that is their weekend to have him. So it obviously is pre scheduled.

It being upsetting is a possibility. Why would that be ignored?

PopCakes · 30/01/2019 12:03

The OP has the right to make the same decisions as any other mother. that clear now?

I think you're a bit confused. No one has marched into OP's house and started making arrangements for her. OP voluntarily opened a discussion on mumsnet about her arrangements and people responded to her. OP is entitled to ignore the advice she's been given but people are not out of line by giving the advice which OP asked for.

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 12:04

Well, the OP isn't her DSC parent either. Surely it's perfectly reasonable for her to ask for time on her own with her baby and DP, and up to her DP and his ex to decide what is right fortheirson.*

She is married to the bio parent. She is expecting the bio parent to not consider their bio child.

She chose to marry a man with a child. That comes with extra responsibilities. But those responsibilities don't extend to her husband's ex's children with another man.

Inliverpool1 · 30/01/2019 12:05

Boysandbuses - so step parents have no contribution to make towards this ? No wonder there’s such vitriol

PopCakes · 30/01/2019 12:05

In answer to OP's question I don't think you should change childcare arrangements. Presumably you knew that DH already had a child when you got pregnant and felt you were able to cope with two children at a time as you would if DSC was your biological child.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 12:06

It being upsetting is a possibility. Why would that be ignored?

An awful of of other considerations are being ignored - despite people saying that there are many different possibilities based on their own experiences and knowledge.

For instance, you say most people have set schedules, but actually, CAFCASS and other children's charities say that most arrangements between separated parents are flexible and vary. It's only on MN that EOW plus one night in the week is stuck to rigidly,

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 12:10

Nothing prevents his bio mum and dad to arrange more visits during the week, when his dad is on paternity leave.

Nothing prevents op suggesting it. Since she is the one suggesting the change.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 12:10

She is expecting the bio parent to not consider their bio child.

No, she's expressed her opinion to her DP. It's his responsibility to consider the needs of his DC, not the OPs.

Rule one of being a successful blended family is communication. If the OP said nothing, then it could lead to further problems. Bringing the issue out into the open, and discussing it, is crucial. Step mothers are equal in a blended family and they should not suppress expressing their own needs just because they do not align with the needs of others.

floodypuddle · 30/01/2019 12:13

I think people are forgetting that this is the OP's first baby!!

It's easy to say what if he was your son, but if you have an older biological child you will already have a vague clue what you are doing!!

If it's anything like my set up I bet the OP ends up doing most of the childcare when her DSS is there anyway. It don't think it's remotely unreasonable to switch this to the next weekend so she has a chance to find her feet and recover without looking after someone else's kid too.

Snoozysnoozy · 30/01/2019 12:14

I think the op is making her feelings clear about her SS. I hope the dad in this situation had his sons back.

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 12:14

For instance, you saymost peoplehave set schedules, but actually, CAFCASS and other children's charities say thatmostarrangements between separated parents are flexible and vary. It's only on MN that EOW plus one night in the week is stuck to rigidly,

What's flexible though. Me and exh have set nights but are flexible and open to ad hoc changes. But keeping the schedule would be something I would do if big life changes were happening.

Besides which, I see you ignored that the op said it was their weekend. Which suggests it's is scheduled. If it was as his, this would be simple, wouldn't it.

I still can't believe it's their weekend and child care arragments have been made anyway. It's the husbands time with his child. It's his job to find child care. Not assume the mother will have the child.

That itself shows where dss is in the planning.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 12:19

It's the husbands time with his child. It's his job to find child care. Not assume the mother will have the child

Again, that depends on the arrangements between the parents, many of whom have Right of First Refusal agreements (mine was documented through mediation.

Every situation is different - but the condemnation of the OP on this thread is based on fixed assumptions. Just because the OP has said that the DSC is scheduled to be at theirs on the weekend in question doesn't mean that the DC is unfamiliar with changes and flexibility.

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 12:19

No, she's expressed her opinion to her DP. It'shisresponsibility to consider the needs of his DC, not the OPs.

No, she told him. She recognised he was shocked so it's not just an opinion.

Yes he should be considering the kids. But clearly he doesn't either.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 12:21

@Boysandbuses the OP says that:

I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night.

That's not telling him... but don't let what the OP has actually written get in the way of your assumptions, will you ?

Boysandbuses · 30/01/2019 12:22

so step parents have no contribution to make towards this ? No wonder there’s such vitriol

Eh, I was responding to the poster who claimed the op should be considering he husbands ex's kids, who she may have with another man. Ie not the ops step child, not her husband's children.

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2019 12:23

when will people start to respect a new mother and the fact that giving birth can be the most physical thing you will ever do, and some women need some rest!

And what has the OP resting to do with her DHs ability to look after his first child?

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