To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

That's not telling him... but don't let what the OP has actually written get in the way of your assumptions, will you ?

And what was the rest of the conversation
One that ended with him promising her that her and the baby were his priority.

That's not giving an opinion. And opinion would be a discussion according to op she mentioned it, he was shocked and back down asap. She knew he was shocked but just ignored his feelings. Manipulative much?

But don't let what was written get in the way.

@Boysandbuses

I read the OP differently. I'd taken it that the OPs DP has not agreed to change his DS contact, but assured her that she will be his priority even though his DS will be there.

When dh and l had dd, my son and his two couldn’t keep away! They were really excited. It was so nice, and knowing that they couldn’t wait to meet her really helped make us a real family. She was a huge unifier. - - and still loves attention now age 12- -

That step child isn't your blood but IS your family.

@Birdsgottafly step grandchild not the same.

@Seline unless you only have your son for the weekend your situation is not the same either. Living with a child full time or just the weekend will produce different relationships. It would be extremely unusual for someone to have the same relationship as a parent with a child they only see at the weekend.

I think it depends how it's handled and how you approach the situation with SS.

My DC have a step- mum, step-siblings and half- siblings (all on their dad's side).
Every time their SM has had another baby it's been made clear to my DC that they cannot go to their dad's house for a few weekends as SM wants "family time" with "just us". This has just taught my DC that they aren't considered family. Ultimately DS1 has gone NC with his dad.
This was also done with no consideration to what plans/work schedule I had. It was just assumed I would be able to drop everything to accommodate less contact.

On the other hand my friend is a SM and due her 2nd child in a couple of weeks. Her 3 step DC are due to be in our town the weekend after she is due (planned sec so she knows when baby is coming). Her SDC are still coming. They know she will be very tired/in pain etc etc. They've arranged for someone to have them overnight but they will be spending some of the day times with everyone and some with just their dad. They are fine about this because it's all been explained in advance.

You need to be clear with your DP that you will be resting and he will need to be caring for DSS and you that weekend, but that aside, I wouldn’t try and change arrangements beyond having contingency plans for if you are still in hospital.
Four is old enough be told and almost make a game of “Poor OP is very sore and tired, it’s hard work having a baby, we will have to look after her this weekend.” Don’t try to hide your soreness and tiredness from DSS, tell him, obviously not in a way that scares him. Include him in it all but have an agreement that DP keeps him occupied out of your bedroom except when he’s cleared it with you that you are up to a DSS visit. You will probably be knackered. Just feed and doze and do very little. It’s only two days. DP needs to be keeping you fed and watered.

Yes you are being selfish.

When my second DD was born, my DH drove 60 miles to pick up his step DD, brought her to hospital to visit, then drov her back. Once I came home from hospital, he brought her back to our house and then looked after all of us!
Your DH will look after all of you too, not theother way round.

CantSleepWontSleep2019

I can see what you mean, but I read it differently. How can her n.a. the baby be the priority if there is a 4 year old there?

Also lets say the child is still coming, andbyiu are right. Why did the op counter his shocked face with, we can swop his night. Why would her opinion be let's cancel it?

his priority will be me and baby

I couldn't be with someone who put one of their children as a priority over another.

I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people

What you actually mean is some time for just you three and with you DH not looking after his other child. I find that attitude odd. Surely DH being a good father to BOTH his children is what you actually want in a husband, not someone who can drop his child when it suits.

Extremely unreasonable. You aren’t a family of three, you are a family of four. My heart goes out to your SS, you obviously don’t think of him as part of your family.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all op..... I had a step mum and a step dad ,the world did not revolve around me ,and some weekends,occasionally,I couldn't go because they had something important on ..that's fine.
Op mumsnet is very much the step child must come first at all costs.
I disagree ,you make very entitled children ,always giving them their own way.it is entirely reasonable for you to ask to change the weekend have your step child..as you will have just given birth.you are not pushing him out ,you and your dh will be busy with the baby the first few days ,it's entirely reasonable to ask to swap weekends to one where your back on your feet and able to give your step child the attention he needs .

I just want to cry reading some of this. I was in the OP's EXACT situation. It was my FIRST baby. I just wanted peace and quiet for the first few days - was very happy for people to come and visit for an hour or less but I needed to recover, work out how to breastfeed and be a bit hormonal.

The OP is NOT BEING UNREASONABLE and some of the assumptions made about her and her attitude to and relationship with her step child are CRUEL and clearly incorrect.

I did have a 4 year old step child with me straight after I came home with my first baby. And an impossibly pushy MIL. And I remember weeping onto my tiny baby's head sitting in my bedroom alone and feeling so overwhelmed and I wanted them all to just go and leave me alone.

No-one was there for me, no-one was thinking of what I needed and yes, as a first time Mother I really did need to be someone's priority - just for a bit.

I had a very close relationship with my step child. I wanted them to be included. JUST NOT HOURS AFTER GIVING BIRTH!

When I had my second child I felt exactly the same! They came to meet the baby and then left and I had a blissful 24 hours on my own with the new baby while I recovered from labour and tried to work out breastfeeding (again).

I cannot bear the way step parents are hounded on here sometimes. I love my step child. I love my own children in a different way - and yes, more, because they are my children! If my step child lived with me full time I'd probably feel more equal but that's not the case. They live with their own Mum who they loves in a different way to the way they love me. That is ok! Pretending to be perfect step parents with perfect emotions is not helpful or healthy.

OP, I hear you. I hope all goes really well. If I were you I'd plan for not actually being home that weekend - inductions can take forever to get going and your husband needs to have plan B anyway incase you're still in labour when your step son is meant to be with you both.

Sorry for the caps and rant. But FFS people, remember what it's like to have your first baby. Even if it was a blissful, healthy and straightforward labour. It's still overwhelming and most people need a bit of time to adjust.

Perfectly said ,splashing around town x

The OP is NOT BEING UNREASONABLE

That's your opinion.

splashing exactly this. People seem to think that step mum's don't deserve any say, don't get any of the privileges that other first getting parents get because they have chosen to love and care for somebody else's child too. And anybody they thinks a four year old remotely cares if you are feeling under the weather or need some space has met some very different children to me.

@SplashingAroundTown exactly this point.

I too was in this situation last year.
I definitely agree with what you have said.
Op you are not being unreasonable.

@SplashingAroundTown
Exactly this. Well said...

I couldn't be with someone who put one of their children as a prior

Hear Hear.

Op, remember you reap what you sew.

The reason that this sort of topic brings out such strong feelings is because on MN and indeed in real life it is rife with disfunctional step children relationships.

No one at all is saying that parents can’t go on and have future children with other people. What they are saying is that the parent should always prioritise their children in decision making.

And very very frequently the best need and feelings of existing children are not taken as paramount.

If she had posted that her husband wants to ensure that his son has normal contact time while she goes into labour and doesn’t feel excluded with the new arrival. And then asked for advice on how to balance her needs as a brand new mother with the needs of his son the response would have been very different.

Honestly, you sound very selfish. Your husbands priorities are off too, they should include his other child.

I couldn't be with someone who put one of their children as a priority over another.

meanwhile, in the real world, parents do prioritise when needs be.

I am curious, how would you handle a child being hospitalised on the day you had promised the other one to go and watch his show?

Of course you put different priorities in different circumstances. With a new born and a new mum, you focus on them when you are lucky enough to have someone else to look after the other kids.

No one knows how the OP will feel after the birth, no one knows how the baby will fed.

Making ridiculous and nasty statements about a time that should be very special is vile.

@SEsofty - perhaps the OP just didn't word it perfectly?
There are some crap step parents who really dislike their step children. There are some crap parents who leave their children behind when a new wife/girlfriend comes along.

The OP and her husband don't sound like this at all.

Guys, just be kind. The OP is just suggesting she'd like the focus to be on her and the new baby for the first night. Just a night. As a PP has said, it's going to be better for a 4 year old who wakes at night to be with his Mum who can focus on him - especially after the excitement of meeting his new brother or sister.

Remember how scared and nervous you were before you had your first baby? You had no idea what it would be like. Be kind guys. Even though this is AIBU.

YANBU! All OP wants is a little time to herself with the help from her OH immediately after giving birth! Blimey, people are acting like she said she never wants to see her SC again! She hasn't said he isn't invited just not to sleep so she can adjust to having a screaming baby without a 4 year old to take care of too! You do what you want to do! Step parents do get a shit deal on here!