To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

Who would have the child, you can’t expect his DM just to have him!

Ask the SS mother and if she allows then fantastic, if not you will both have tomsixk itnup.

You knew he wasn’t a great sleeper before your child came along, it won’t change once the child is born.

I would have been heartbroken if my husband requested we stop my two older children from staying with us the day we brought our daughter home. We all belonged together as a family.

YABVU

Poor SS.

YABVU

I'm not surprised DH seemed confused at my request.

I’m afraid YABU. And I say that as a SM who recently gave birth. It meant the world to my DSC to be able to come home and see baby on day 1, before anyone else. My DP made dinner, looked after DSC etc and the midwife made sure I had time alone with baby by putting the two of us on enforced bed rest for 2 days.

You are a family of 4 now, with 2 children, and you need to build that mindset from day 1. No one takes priority. If you are worried about DSS sleeping then perhaps ask a grandparent to stay the night and look after him? But in all honesty baby is likely to be sleepy on night 1. It’s the weeks and months after that will be challenging.

That said, you may not be home as soon as you think so make sure you have family lined up to look after DSS if needed (not his Mum - not her responsibility on your day).

Wicked for sure!!

Aside from the child, who I think has been discussed a lot on here, what about the child's mother? There is an assumption that the OP can just say 'tough luck, we don't want him that weekend', and the child's mother just has to cancel anything she may have planned to accommodate it. If the OP had approached the mother and said 'we'd love to have DSS during the day to meet his new sibling, but is there any chance we could swap nights and DS comes to us a couple of days afterwards for his overnight' then it probably would have been a completely different response.

Clearly I'm an evil mother as I had my DS stay at his nans when I bought the DTs home! I don't think YABU op

Bloody hell, didn't realise just how many bitter women, whose husbands had started second families there were out there.

Again, no. Exh can't have more kids. I am marrying Dp and ttc. So your theory is fucked.

The child will come during the day and then be told they can't stay. If OP has her induction date, it's going to be soon. Probably tomorrow or next Thursday. It's very last minute. The child hasn't even been given plenty of notice or the mother, in fact.

People talking about emergencies or still being in hospital. It's ridiculous that they have already made a plan, for what happens if she is in labour on dss weekend.

And the op is asking for recovery time or for a plan for emergencies. She is asking for time for it to be 'just us'. She views the child as outside her family. That's the issue.

Looking after step children is completely different to looking after your own. Sorry to all those who want to live in some ideal world but it’s true. If OP is going to end up resentful of her SS then she is better off not having him overnight that weekend. It’s natural for her to want time with her new born without dealing with SS and possibly his mother and her input into the situation as well (as often that input comes through the step kids)

Clearly I'm an evil mother as I had my DS stay at his nans when I bought the DTs home! I don't think YABU op

As has been explained several times, that's different because your biological child live with you. Op clearly says it's the weekend they have dss, she has made no suggestion they have him later in the week. Her dh will most probably be off work, they could have him a school night, if the child is in school. Or extra nights later in the week.

Dss is, potentially, missing his night and won't have one for anything up to another 2 weeks. All the while op can have it as 'just us'

When my DS was born I had to stay in hospital over one of our contact weekends because I had an emergency CS. We had spoken to DSS mum beforehand and planned for this possibility and she was ok with a weekend swap in the event the baby arrived close to the weekend. That was v kind of her and we were sure to buy her a gift etc to say thank you. On the Saturday when we were supposed to have DSS BIL brought him to the hospital to meet his baby brother and he seemed to completely understand that it made sense to swap weekends. I am now pregnant with my second and would definitely be asking my DM to have my DS for a few days after baby arrives so that I can get out of hospital and have one night to recover. Only you and your DH know what is the right thing to do based on your relationship with your step child and their mother. You may also have to play things by ear once baby has arrived. Best of luck for the birth and congratulations on your new baby xxx

Your poor SS. YABVU! What is it with pregnant women acting like this? Fucking horrid.

I assume this is your first child, no not unreasonable you are still getting used to having a newborn. A little visit during the day is a nice idea, but you may need your partner to help with the baby. Do you have someone you can go and stay with if it gets too much?

If OP is going to end up resentful of her SS then she is better off not having him overnight that weekend

If OP will end up resentful of her step son just because he is there, then the op shouldn't be a step parent, or grow up. She is an adult

YABU.

I don’t think YABU to be thinking about wanting special time with your baby and there is no right or wrong in this situation but having been the SS to my fathers new baby I will say that it’s things like this that made me feel incredibly left out and sad. I think it’s good if you can include youR SS as much as possible. As an adult I am still haunted by memories of being left out of the new family. I don’t think you’re bad to be thinking about this and do think people are being mean to you though. Obviously you can’t have SS staying on Saturday night if you’re in hospital but he needs to feel included ASAP. Maybe more so than a natural sibling would need to.

said his priority will be me and baby

Honestly, it's your husbands attitude that gets me.
I'm not a stepmum, so I can't begin to imagine all the shit that comes with that, so I'm not surprised you want to put you and your first child first. I can totally relate in that no one else's kids will ever compare to mine, I probably wouldn't make a good stepmum and I'm not planning to be one time soon.
But it's your DHs first child, surely he should always be a priority and making things easier for him aswell and should he an important part of the process.
While I had a shitty stepmum, I'm not going to pretend it's easy to be one, I have no clue.
I just think your DH needs to set an example for his son, and by saying and acting like you and DC2 are his top priorities, a 4 year old will probably pick up on that. I'm not sure what's best, but your DH doesn't sound like he's doing the right thing.

I'm due baby number 2 in April, we have a set plan, and it actually means DH isn't going to be with me very much at the hospital. DC2 will have me there for them, DC1 needs someone familiar and comforting during this time (he doesn't spend any time without either of us) and will only be away from both of us for 7 hours if all goes according to plan (planned c section). We want to make the transition as easy as possible for him.

Why do people insist that step mothers have to have the same feelings for their Sc as their own biological children

It’s not about expecting a step mum to feel what a mum might feel. It is, however, expecting a father to expect both his children to be treated kindly and with respect at all times, regardless of wether they are full or part time resident. There is huge scope for this to go wrong - for the child - and to set off an uncomfortable journey for the stepchild for the foreseeable. What the OP is suggesting is her feelings are more important than her stepsons on this occasion and many people feel that would be wrong.

I am of 6 children. I was ‘sent away/banished’ each time a baby was born.
Was I psychologically damaged? Did my parents get accused of the kind of things the OP has here?
Of course bloody not.
I had a great time being looked after by trusted people knowing that my parents needed a little bit of time to focus on the new offspring.
The truth is that if you do certain things in a blended family that happen in biological nuclear families all the time you will be met with hostility and criticism.
The most classic case is to do with money. In a normal biological family who aren’t very wealthy the effect of new offspring is often felt by the existing children. I was told as a child that money was tighter now that sibling 1, sibling 2 had been born etc.
This wasn’t considered abusive but probably character building. I would argue that it was even good for me as I learnt that I’m not the only person on the planet and that you can’t always get what you want.
And yes there were sacrifices but I gained a sibling. That was a gift (admittedly sibling relationships sadly don’t always turn out positively).
I’ve seen posts In a blended families like this. The OP is generally met with absolute disgust and the classic “the mother/father (generally father) should NEVER have more children if he can’t afford for things to be maintained exactly for his existing children!!!” As though biological nuclear families don’t normally always have to readjust when new offspring come along.
I think it’s ridiclous.
My parents seperated and I have step siblings and parents etc. I was asked to downsize bedroom in my father and stepmothers house when they had children. It made sense as I was only there 2 weekends a month. I knew my dad loved me and my step mum was always super kind to me but they explained it well and I also had a great bedroom at my mums house. I’ve seen a stepmum poster recently get a whole load of abuse for suggesting she do the same in her house. Most replies told her that she should put her child who lives there full time in a box room then disturb the step child.
It’s ludicrous.
Children aren’t stupid. They know when they are loved and cared for. And I do think adults have to be extra mindful of children from separated parents/in blended famalies to keep things stable etc but i find the approach of many posters on this thread ridiclous.
I would ask that my stepchild stay at home. They are with their mother I presume so well taken care of. I wouldn’t even feel remotely bad about it.
I would FaceTime them as soon as possible
And probably by them a present from their new sibling for when they come.

Has anyone pointed out that an induction on Thursday for a first baby means it's highly unlikely you'd be home anyway? I.e. it could take 1 or 2 days to get you in to labour anyway so all this nonsense could be completely unnecessary? (And no, i haven't rtft so I apologise now!)

In a dream scenario if I was OP the mother of my stepchild would come and bring him to meet the baby during the day for just a few hours.
@ellendegeneres ‘a approach would be ideal’

@adviceneeded89 I wouldn't worry to much OP, it is VERY unlikely you will be home before Saturday night at the earliest, Induction isn't an over night thing, I was 2CM dilated when induced and labour was quite quick when it got started but from start to being home i was in 3 full days....

Maybe see SS on sunday and get a takeaway in 😄 ignore all the horrible MNetters your allowed to be human & also tired after giving birth.

The truth is that if you do certain things in a blended family that happen in biological nuclear families all the time you will be met with hostility and criticism.

Because a balanced family is different to a biological one

“the mother/father (generally father) should NEVER have more children if he can’t afford for things to be maintained exactly for his existing children!!!” As though biological nuclear families don’t normally always have to readjust when new offspring come along.

You don't see the difference? For a start there is another adult, the existing child's mother, and their finances to consider. You make a decision to have more kids, why should that impact the finances of the other parent? Does that person get to part of the ttc decision?

They know when they are loved and cared for. And I do think adults have to be extra mindful of children from separated parents/in blended famalies to keep things stable etc but i find the approach of many posters on this thread ridiclous.

No it's not that simple as just knowing. Small things like this can make it a grey area. Especially if the child fathers attitude is that the new wife and baby are the priority and the new wife's attitude is that she wants it to be 'just us' and that is doesn't include her husband's child. You are right, kids aren't stupid. They pick up on stuff like this.

Teacupsandtoast yeah it's been mentioned loads. Wasn't true either in lots of cases. Personally I can't believe the op is that close to induction that she has a date, but they have made plans for childcare on their weekend.

The general rule for separated parents is that if it's your time with the child. You make childcare arrangements. Says alot about the attitude to the step child that no one made this plan ages ago. What if op went into spontaneous labour on another weekend with the child?

I think I’d try and rearrange just because there could be delays/emergencies. Alternatively is DH family close by to offer help with Ss if needed?