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Original poster

To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

485 replies

adviceneeded89 · 29/01/2019 20:33

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

OP posts:
CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 29/01/2019 22:44

She's your family now.

Isn't that up to the DC to decide?

A lot of posts on this thread are emphasising the damage that will be done if the DC feels pushed out- yet just as much damage can be done to a non resident DC when they are forced into a blended family role they are not comfortable with.

Fontofnoknowledge · 29/01/2019 22:48

My my the step parent bashes are out in force tonight !!

OP, do not for one tiny, nano second believe that you do not have the absolute right to have your first night at home entirely focussed on your FIRST baby. If is your right.

To all those who scream 'what if DS was your oldest- would you push him out then ?'
First and foremost HEs NOT !! Why do people insist that step mothers have to have the same feelings for their Sc as their own biological children. It's fictional bollocks. You can love and care for your Sc , but it is NOT THE SAME , and all the political correct spiel in the world doesn't make it so.

DS mother had her time with HER child . You OP are just as entitled.
Besides all that - I have had 3 children and my first night home with each of them was just DH , me and baby. With older kids at gps.

Enjoy your baby OP and ignore the utter twattish nonsense. You are allowed to be completely and utterly selfish with your baby. DS won't even remember unless idiots make a drama of it.

IMakeNoPromises · 29/01/2019 22:48

My induction took a week from admission to discharge.

You wouldn't send away an older dc of your own. Suck it up like every 2 child family does

QueenAnneBoleyn · 29/01/2019 22:48

YANBU.
You’re about to have your first child. You will most likely be exhausted and sore. You will need your space and your DH to focus on you and what you and your newborn need.
You’ve said DSS can be there to meet the baby - just not stay overnight. Sounds reasonable.
Ignore the anti-stepmum brigade. You are not being selfish and you’re not being wicked. I think a few people on here are being unnecessarily hard on you.
Do what is best for you at the time. There is plenty of time after that for DSS to come and stay and get involved.

marbley · 29/01/2019 22:50

I think you are being very reasonable actually.

It can and will be mayhem for possibly weeks when you have a baby, so much going on, finding your feet etc. It doesn't sound like you are excluding your stepson. Get him a big brother t shirt etc. Take pics together etc. Will it really do him any good being disturbed by a screaming baby during the night. He will hate it. You will be like the walking dead, unwashed with your tits out feeding or air drying! What does your stepsons Mum think? Surely she would suggest giving you an easier time and shortening (not cancelling) her son's visits for a few weeks.

RubiksQueen · 29/01/2019 22:53

This is UTTERLY nuts.

Loads of people have their older children go and stay at a friend's or a family member's house when they have a baby - so they don't have to look after the older children and recover from birth. They really do. So why do people keep saying that it never happens? Literally people on the same thread are saying they actually did it!

To the person who said 'you won't need looking after' - reeeeeally Hmm so all the threads of women who have had babies who are at the end of their tether in those first few days are just making it up that they need support and looking after?? Or is it just stepmums who aren't allowed to be looked after because they are bottom of the pile?

OP is going to be a mum for the first time. A mum. Not a stepmum. How many times do we hear 'you don't get to do the parenting, you're just the step, your DP has to do the parenting'. If that's the case then you can't turn round and say 'aha! But you are a mum!' if you're not actually allowed to BE a mum in any meaningful sense to the child... She will be going through all the first time mum things as well as navigating the relationship with an older sibling who is and yet isn't her child.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 29/01/2019 22:54

You wouldn't send away an older dc of your own.

This is starting to remind me of the MN classic 'cancel the cheque'.

Plenty of PP have said that they did arrange O/N care for their bio-DCs after giving birth. In fact, some Resident parents have said that they asked their DCs non resident bio-dads to look after the Dc after the birth of a half sibling.

Read the thread before you stick the boot in

Fontofnoknowledge · 29/01/2019 23:08

Bloody hell, didn't realise just how many bitter women, whose husbands had started second families there were out there.

Good luck OP. Feel not a twinge of guilt enjoying your time with baby and DH. It is your right. It is everybody's right to have some time just baby and parents.

DS can join in later when you have recovered and are in the swing of it.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 29/01/2019 23:16

You married a man with a child. There is no ‘just us’. Don’t screw up another human being for life by making him feel unwanted or second tier.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 29/01/2019 23:21

@Returning2thesceneofthecrime

....or alternatively, don't screw up another human being by treating him as if he's a full time resident with an equal relationship with the OP as he has with his own mother.

Bumblebee39 · 29/01/2019 23:23

I wouldn't bother cancel it
If you are being induced on the Thursday it's very unlikely you will be home until after the weekend

Suzysuzuki · 29/01/2019 23:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You don't have the experience of looking after a newborn and you'll be wanting to get to grips with breastfeeding possibly and being able to sit with your tits out. I get it. I was in your position and also have 3 other children. I sent my 3 to their dad's for 6 days and DSS didn't come for 10 days. Everyone has bonded perfectly fine since and it was explained to all kids it was because I needed rest. We didn't have any adult visitors for four days either. You're the one going through this.

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 23:26

You took on your DP knowing he had baggage, with a child. You don’t have the right to push that child out, or make him choose between either one of his children.

Surfingtheweb · 29/01/2019 23:39

When I had my 2nd child I came home from hospital (after 6-7 hours) & my 1st child (age 2.5) was brought straight home. I then looked after both kids while my husband went to work that night. You wouldn't send your own child packing & you shouldn't do that to your step child either. You've chosen to have a baby with a man that already is a parent.

KoraBora · 30/01/2019 00:06

When I had my 2nd child I came home from hospital (after 6-7 hours) & my 1st child (age 2.5) was brought straight home.

Well bully for you. If I have a second child I will be banishing my daughter to the haunted woods never to be seen again her grandparents, or maybe our close friends if it goes fast, to be spoiled and have fun. I want her introductions to a new sibling to be calm, happy and positive. A positive plan is far better for all children. Even if all goes well and she is home Saturday a screaming new born could upset her DSS more especially if his dad and stepmum are both utterly exhausted. If things are stable but fraught do you think a stressed, tired and frantic father would be best placed to soothe a child who is totally unprepared?

I do love the whole language used in this thread though, sent away, sent packing, banished. As if he is going to turn up and have the door shut in his face, maybe he will have his little nose pressed to the window and can only view the happy family scenes he can never be part of. If you think that is hyperbole it is, but look at yourselves and the screeching over 'Just us.' I am having a weekend away with my husband just us. It does not mean we are sticking our daughter on eBay with a low price for a quick sale.

KathyBates · 30/01/2019 00:18

Hi OP, I was in your situation a few months ago so understand your concerns.

We explained to DSD in advance that the baby was meant to be born when she was due to be with us but that sometimes things don't go to plan so we might have to change days if I was in hospital but she would be the first to meet him which she was fine with. She was the first person we FaceTimed in hospital and the first visitor; we tried to make sure she felt welcomed, loved and important.

Seeing her meet him for the first time was really special. We just had a PJ day and she helped me lots by getting me nappies, picking clothes etc which she loved. I think it really helped strengthen our bond too.

I was induced and was home by 10pm the same day(FTM) ; in hindsight I'm glad we had DSD visit straight away because I was still on a bit of a high and still felt wide awake even after about 3 days with barely any sleep. On day 4 I think I crashed, started feeling really sore and baby blues kicked in so was glad to be alone then.

Congratulations and good luck with your induction.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/01/2019 00:27

Why don't you ask your stepson what he'd like to do - stay away, or hang around? He's part of this family too.

goldengummybear · 30/01/2019 00:28

I think it's awful that your h said that the baby and you are his priority. This is your first baby but your h's second and he should definitely consider both children his priority,

How old is dss? My kids are teens so are easy to look after. They would prefer to see you in the day then sleep in their quiet house at night. If you were in hospital when they visited, they'd rather not stay home alone while Dad was in hospital with you or hang outside your room because you want to breastfeed.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/01/2019 00:29

She was the first person we FaceTimed in hospital and the first visitor; we tried to make sure she felt welcomed, loved and important.

This is so lovely, KathyBates. I wish that everyone put as much effort into it as you clearly did.

Kokeshi123 · 30/01/2019 00:34

MN is so weird on the whole stepchildren issue.

Stepmothers are expected to treat SC exactly like their own biological children when it comes to anything "nice" (money, holidays etc.) but not allowed to do things like discipline them, because "You are not the mother!"

I gave birth in a country where you stay in the hospital for several days after birth. My daughter did not come for the first 24 hours, and I appreciated having some space from the needs of an older child.

PooleySpooley · 30/01/2019 00:35

OMG it’s ONE weekend immediately after the OP has given birth. Not every weekend for the rest of his life.

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

Kokeshi123 · 30/01/2019 00:36

You wouldn't send away an older dc of your own.

She is talking about one weekend, not months on end!!

And plenty of people do have biological children stay with GPs etc. for a couple of days.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 00:43

I think it's awful that your h said that the baby and you are his priority. This is your first baby but your h's second and he should definitely consider both children his priority,

Last week (while ill in bed) I watched several series of 'One Born Every Minute' on catch up.

Nearly every Dad they interviewed said that their priority was their partner and new baby - even though many of them had older DCs.

Do you think they're all awful, too? Confused

We live in a society where the needs of a the vulnerable are prioritised- and a recently delivered mother and her newborn are vulnerable when compared to an older child whose (presumably?) loving mother can take care of him overnight.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/01/2019 00:58

Yabvvu. And selfish.

What the hell would you do if he lived with you full time? And your DH wants shooting saying you are the priority.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 30/01/2019 01:06

@Willyoujustbequiet

What the hell would you do if he lived with you full time?

Do you honestly believe that the relationship between a DC and their non-resident family is the same as that of a Dc and their resident family?

FFS - my DSS used to cosleep with his DM, but wouldn't get into bed with his a Dad and I - should DH have insisted to his DS that both places were home and he should therefore feel the same way about both? 🙄

Even my DD, who had 50:50 care for 10 years had a very different relationship with both families.

I'm frankly disgusted with the number of people on this thread who claim to be considering the DC, but are disregarding the realities of blended families in favour of an ideal.

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