To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

@Boysandbuses
Of course if the stepmum has an exclusive attitude and resents her stepchild then that is obviously awful. And any poor child would pick up on that.
My argument is that there is a middle ground. You can ask a stepchild to stay at home for one weekend (if their mother is okay with looking after them) and still make them feel very included and loved and important. You can make a big deal when they do come, and do lots to create as positive a relationship as posible between the children.
Reading back on my post I didn’t articulate myself very well.

The money one- I shouldn’t have raised it as it really is off topic. Plus it’s very complicated.

If we're lucky enough to have another baby we're going to arrange for family to look after our daughter for a couple of days after she meets her sibling. I know how things were when I had her, I will need more looking after then me husband could do if he was also watching a toddler.

I've see people mention such arrangements in lots of threads but I guess when it's a step-mum requesting it then suddenly it's all "No one ever does this."

Typical bitter MN step-mum bashing.

I don't think it's an awful thing to want that time with your husband and new baby but I would worry it could have an effect on the OP's stepson. He's 4 so very young to have to understand all these changes in his life.

I think how the first couple of weeks is handled can have a longer term impact on how stepson feels and how included he feels in this new family.

As a PP has said, this isn't about judging step-mums but about being child centered. Even if you'd have sent an older bio child away for a day or two, blended families are more complex and I don't think it's ok to give the message that the new baby is here so there isn't room for you tonight.

That might not be how it's meant at all but that could be how a 4 year old will see it.

I do think you need to have a contingency in case you're not home though as inductions can take fucking aaaaages!

ExDP didn’t have our DSs when his DW was recovering from birth. They went to hospital to meet new sibling within a few hours of her being born, though, and stayed for a few hours.

It was a rough birth. Having had one of those myself, I totally understood her need for space and privacy (her first DC). DSs didn’t feel pushed out at all, as we all worked hard to make sure they didn’t.

Yes DSs are priority but also, so is a new first time mother. I wasn’t even close to angry about it, because come on, let’s have some empathy for our fellow women.

Forgot to add - DSs did visit every day for a couple of hours on their usual weekend. But didn’t stay all day.

His DW was beyond grateful and I even got a quick squish of the newborn She also later sent me a bunch of flowers as a Thankyou for not making her feel like a step monster.

I appreciate that it might come over as a bit weird but we really do all get on well.

Did we not have this exact thread last week??

I'm another one who temporarily dispensed my older toddler to my parents when I came home with a newborn. We are still a happy family.

be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend

Highly unlikely tbh, most people I know who've been induced have been in for several days after induction. Your DH needs to be sorting alternative childcare for that weekend as he's very likely to be at the hospital.

For everyone saying stepson will feel pushed out, can OP and her husband not just talk to him?

I told my eldest that mummy was in hospital and that the babies have been poorly so mummy needs to make sure they're well enough for their big brother to play with them.

No issues at all and he's autistic.

@Seline It is very different when you have your DC everyday to when you are not RP.

Highly unlikely tbh, most people I know who've been induced have been in for several days after induction.

That isn't the case with those I know.

As long as it’s not the start of things to come. One weekend won’t hurt but don’t make a habit of it

Is It? It just becomes your normal surely. Each family does things differently. My DS1 had to stay with his nan for longer than we planned due to an extended nicu stay of said twins and complications to me from the birth and he was a bit upset at first but we just included him by showing him pictures of his brother and sister, getting him to carry nappies in Tescos, letting him choose babygrows etc. He was with my mum for 3 months

Kids only feel pushed out if you try to hide what's going on imo. We made an effort to keep DS updated with age appropriate info. Stuff like mummy needs to go and stay with the doctors as she's feeling unwell rather than your mum nearly died and needs a blood transfusion.

DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby.
I sincerely hope he said that under duress, because otherwise he sounds like an arse.

Is It? It just becomes your normal surely

Yes it is, because if they have for example the typical EOW arrangement, it could be a month before he stays.

By having him over just for the day and then packing him off home, when he always stays imo is going to cause issues.

Your situation was different as there were complications. We had the same, but in OPs situation with no complications, I think it is wrong, as is OPs language.

It's not a bad thing to prioritise his wife and baby at the moment either. His son has a mother and other family and isn't currently unwell or vulnerable, his wife is about to give birth via induction which means she is vulnerable and needs medical attention.

When one of my twins was more sick than the other I had to spend time with that child and not much time with my son's. Doesn't mean they're any less loved just means their sister had a greater need at that time.

Not everyone needs the same amount of attention at the same time and when you've got multiple children particularly sometimes you have to prioritise.

Piglet but providing he is kept informed and involved in other ways then that should be fine. Sometimes exceptional circumstances occur and while kids don't often like that (DS1 has additional needs and doesn't like change so I do know it can be hard) it can't always be easily avoided and so some strategies to minimise the discomfort can be great aids here.

YANBU

I had my 4 DSC stay for the weekend when DS was 3 days old, it was too much. DS was passed around and I barely saw him because I didnt want to take him back from them and make them feel pushed out.

We ended up out for lunch and it was truly awful.

I still regret it nearly 5yrs later.

(My phone doesn't do paragraphs so apologies in advance if this is a big lump of text!)

I’ve seen posts In a blended families like this. The OP is generally met with absolute disgust and the classic “the mother/father (generally father) should NEVER have more children if he can’t afford for things to be maintained exactly for his existing children!!!” As though biological nuclear families don’t normally always have to readjust when new offspring come along

sigh, sigh, sigh. Blended families and the a 'together' family are not the same thing and can't be expected to manage by the same rules. To have an additional child in a blended family and expect the ex to pick up the financial slack of that new child is really not the same as a couple deciding they will stretch their finances and have another child. No way should one family's household income be compromised for the sake of a different household deciding it wants more children.

It's exactly the same with the 'but you would send your child to a grandparent' argument, isn't it? Absolutely fine to send a child to the grandparent in favour of a new sibling if that is what you choose and it works for you. Very different when a child of the family who isn't there all the time is kept away for additional time when a new sibling is born.

I really don't get why there so many try and make the two situations the same. They're not. Children in 'together' families have very different experiences to those in blended ones. It's really not rocket science.

If you're booked in for a Thursday induction, I'd be very surprised if you're home by the weekend.

I'm a bit shocked at the venom and condemnation on here. The OP is only suggesting that her SS spends the night elsewhere on the day she is released from hospital with a newborn! I'm not surprised she's worried about having to immediately step into 'step mum' mode on an overnight with a newborn while recovering from childbirth. It's not a rejection of SS, she's said he's still welcome, she's just mitigating the stress of her first day home.

FWIW, when my step sister was born, my DB and I went with my Dad for the weekend to give them some space. When MY DS2 was born my DPs had my eldest for a couple of nights. It made sense and no permanently harm was done...

Oh but I was induced with DS1 and labour took 50 hours from first contraction - then 2 days in hospital afterwards. I doubt you'll be home by Saturday!

Ah this is still going, I was worried I would be bored today!

Can we all just keep a bit of perspective. She's talking about one night. ONE NIGHT! When she's just given birth to her first baby! She's not talking about selling her DSS on eBay or locking him in a basement for the weekend. Is there really so little empathy on a site called MUMSnet for a first time mum about to give birth, via induction no less??

We have made many adjustments to our contact over the years - to accommodate changes in job and holidays (for both DSD's mum and my DP), family weddings, illness (DSD), DSD's mum having a minor operation, snow preventing travel, school friends party etc etc etc. And my DP doesn't even have a particularly good relationship with his ex! But they both recognise that life happens and SOMETIMES changes need to be made.

@Boysandbuses I agree that a blended family has some extra considerations. I have one. But it's not as dramatic as you are making out. And to be honest, if my DSD really was as drastically affected by ONE NIGHT as you claim stepchildren will be, then I would be more worried about overall attachment with her dad if that's all it takes to make her question her place in the family.

Our DSD was looked after by family while I was in hospital on a contact weekend with a horrendous, drawn out labour. She didn't meet DS until he was 4 days old. She adores her baby brother and it has had zero impact on her relationship with her dad and me.

Children in 'together' families have very different experiences to those in blended ones. It's really not rocket science.

And every blended family is different. And every DC is different.

If I had behaved in a way that MN expects stepmoms to behave based on the daily posts here, I'd have done untold emotional damage to my DSS. I was a wicked SM for putting his needs first and not following the collective opinions of the hive mind that is MN.

The OP knows her DSS - MN doesn't. She just needs to become more confident in her own judgement.

I am a midwife and honestly have never heard of families sending older children to relatives when they first come home with baby. All of the families I have looked after have been busting to see the older children, usually they haven't been away from them before. Must be a regional thing! When I was doing home visits the older children were always around or at school/nursery.

Anyway op, as others have said it is unlikely that you will be home by the Saturday. You could well get delayed and not started on the Thursday, even if you are it can be a long process. I actually think it would be fairer all round if the dc were to swap to the following weekend if the mum would agree? Because it would be worse to cancel him at the last minute. I actually think it would be very unreasonable of her to not agree to this given the circumstances.

Maybe he could come for a visit in the hospital too?

Obviously all of this depends on the relationship that you and dh have with the mother.

Feel like you’re getting an unnecessary hard time here OP, for what sounds like a sensible idea.

YANBU