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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

485 replies

adviceneeded89 · 29/01/2019 20:33

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

OP posts:
CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 22:14

so father can focus purely on new child.
what about the father focusing on the new mum too? Why is it such a crime to want to have a bit of adult support in the first hours?

A lot of us arranged for our children to be looked after by someone else for a couple of days, and night. No regret whatsoever, I would do it again if I had another one. Children don't feel pushed out because they spend a few days with friends and relatives.

Some countries keep mothers for a few days to let them have some rest! It's bad enough we are being sent home after a few hours, but it doesn't mean mothers don't need the same rest.

rosynoses · 29/01/2019 22:14

That is horrid. Imagine if that was your son being sent away bc his daddy had another baby.

ellendegeneres · 29/01/2019 22:18

My youngest child’s dad and I aren’t together. His dad has a girlfriend (he’ll marry her I think) who has no children of her own. If he approached me and said ‘hey Ellen, can you swap weekends depending on how fast her labour goes? I think she’d really appreciate the first couple of nights home without there given he’s up half the night, but it’s important to us he meets new baby so maybe I could have him during the day for however many hours?’
I’d be like ‘of course. She’ll be knackered and in pain and so will you, let me know what works for you and we’ll sort it between us.’

Because we see both sides. He’s supported me (and so has she, indirectly) by being amazing when I’ve needed help. And when his dad went on holiday I kept little one and got on.
Op she must know you’re pregnant. Do you all get on? I know not every circumstance is like mine in that both parents get on like friends, but surely there’s scope for her to see you’ll be exhausted and overwhelmed so will need a little gentle handling and easing into it?

homegrownmumma · 29/01/2019 22:19

I see no issue with it aslong as the siblings get to meet during the day , they have a lifetime together so one night really won't make a difference.

To be honest if I had a second baby I would be tempted to leave my first child with my mum on the first night Home knowing how hard it is when you can barely walk and your totally exhausted

Aslong as new baby brings a lovely present your stepson (something they really want ) and gets to have a lovely cuddle that he should feel involved .
My 4 year old niece has a new baby brother and really isn't interested in him at all 😂

snowball28 · 29/01/2019 22:20

To be blunt you’d need to arrange to not have SD that weekend anyway as with first baby inductions statistically you’ll be on there 24 hours before there’s any movement on labour front. Inductions often get pushed back for emergencies as well etc. It’s highly likely that even if everything does go to plan you probably won’t be home until sat evening or even Sunday morning.

I’d ask SS mum to swap weekends as you’ll definitely be home by the next weekend and be more on the ball and on your feet.

Oh and I’m due my third on June 1st and as with my second child, the plan is for the older two to spend a few nights at my sisters these are my BC absolutely nothing wrong with taking a night or two step or birth. My kids certainly didn’t feel pushed out and were happy to visit in the day and sleep over at night.

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 22:20

That is horrid. Imagine if that was your son being sent away bc his daddy had another baby
I’d be fine with it and explain to DS that daddy and his wife need to rest after the baby’s arrival.
But then again I’m not overdramatic or tend to catastrophise situations.

TacoLover · 29/01/2019 22:21

the OP is being called all names under the sun and i am the one being aggressive

What names has she been calledConfused someone might have called her horrible, maybe. I can't remember anyone calling her names.

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 22:22

@TacoLover she’s been called evil and a cow to name but a few

InSightMars · 29/01/2019 22:22

You married a man with a child, this is one of the things you signed up for, sorry. I get you want to play happy family of just you 2 and pfb but your DH already has a pfb. His pfb is also the older half-sibling of your new baby and his feelings matter just as much as those of any other older siblings who don't generally get shunted out of the way when a new baby comes home.

CallMeVito · 29/01/2019 22:23

just read the thread TacoLover

HollyGoLoudly1 · 29/01/2019 22:25

@ellendegeneres

You guys sound fab. How lovely that must be for your DC to see that kind of co-parent relationship.

Brazenhussy0 · 29/01/2019 22:26

Yanbu, OP.
Your only mistake was coming on MN to ask about this - stepmums can’t do anything right Grin

DSS visiting during the day and skipping one overnight isn’t going to traumatise him for life. He’ll still see his sibling and his Dad but you won’t have the stress of simultaneously juggling a newborn and a poor-sleeping 4 year old while you’re recovering so soon after the birth.

I’m glad your DH has reassured you and is ready to support you Flowers

Millionsofthings · 29/01/2019 22:26

Op I second what others have said with a small gift from the baby to DSS. My Ds received a Batman from DD when she was born. 4 years on and he still recounts his baby sister brining him a Batman... and he isn’t even into batman! 😂

I am sure as long as he gets to meet the new baby and his told he can come stay the next weekend etc he will Be happy with that!!

For all the ones saying the child is getting sent away while daddy is busy with his new family.... it’s a little dramatic!

It’s perfectly normal for Op to want time to recover and her and DH bond with new baby it dosent automatically mean they Don’t want to include him.

A little bit of common sense people it’s one overnight night!!

agnurse · 29/01/2019 22:27

YABU. Your SS needs to get used to the new baby and all of you being a family. If you say no, he will (rightly) feel pushed out and as if you've "replaced" him with a baby.

The reality is that every other parent who has natural children is going to have children at their home when the baby is home from the hospital. They don't get to decide that they just don't want their other children there.

Your SS is part of your family.

agnurse · 29/01/2019 22:28

For the record: I AM a stepmother.

WhoPooped · 29/01/2019 22:29

@agnurse actually plenty of parents take time to recover after birth. RTFT

Brazenhussy0 · 29/01/2019 22:33

People don’t read much of threads these days do they Confused
And others can’t even seem to read the first post properly... too eager to stick the boot in.

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 29/01/2019 22:35

The assumptions about blended families on this thread are incredible.

Not every family is the same, so just because one DC may view the non resident house as 'home' doesn't mean they all will (the op actually says that her DSS is unsettled at night which may suggest that he doesn't view it as home).

Just because some DCs feel secure with a fixed contact schedule doesn't mean they're all like that - many accommodate shift work.

Just because some resident parents welcome the break that the contact schedule provides doesn't mean that others don't insist on right of first refusal.

Just because you don't agree with the OPs feelings doesn't make them invalid nor does it mean her thoughts are not right for her particular circumstances.

This thread is a fabulous example of the social and cultural bias set out in the Stepmonster book by Wednesday Martin - OP, you should read it, just to reassure yourself that the comments on here are a consequence of social conditioning rather than a judgement of you.

Tokenjester · 29/01/2019 22:36

Yes, you are being unreadable & selfish. Incredibly so. Your stepchild is going to be terribly hurt if you have your way. The relationship he has with his (step) sibling will potentially last longer than your relationship with your baby and it is important to nurture it - for your child’s sake if not his.

Blondebakingmumma · 29/01/2019 22:36

When I had my second child my first was looked after by MIL For 2 days and my own mum 2 days so I could recover from delivery. I still saw her during the day. I don’t think you are being unreasonable

CantSleepWontSleep2019 · 29/01/2019 22:37

token

That's half sibling, not step.

stuckinarut2019 · 29/01/2019 22:38

Sorry but yeah I think YABU. I think you sound a bit selfish. She's your family now.

LtJudyHopps · 29/01/2019 22:38

Some posters are obviously very bitter, I am guessing they have ex partners who started a family, are happy, and the jealousy make people bitter. This thread is an example of the worst side of MN - on a different planet

Or we’ve been in the situation? Or known children that have been?

As an aside OP, you ‘say’ it’s because the 4YO doesn’t sleep very well - what about the week after, and the week after? He might as well get used to a newborn and a 4YO. Sounds like excuses to be honest. Imagine being 4 and knowing you normally stay at daddy’s when you go there. All of a sudden you’re being sent away. The only new thing here is the baby, I can only assume he will make the correlation.

allthingsred · 29/01/2019 22:42

Yabvvu
It is you babies brother/sister
Your husband has more than 1 child none more special than the other
& actually you pushing stepchild away at this time will cause loads of issues later on.
You are a family. The 4 of you. Embrace it

Xenadog · 29/01/2019 22:43

OP, I totally see where you are coming from. I think you do have to have SS to stay though as he will very likely feel terrible and pushed out. However, I’d be staying in my PJs and focusing on my LO.

If possible, I’d try to stay in hospital a bit longer too.

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