To not want to have stepchild for weekend after baby is born

[adviceneeded89]

I'm probably going to sound like a wicked step mother here but need to know if I am being unreasonable to not want to have SS for the weekend straight after my baby is born. I am due to be induced on a Thursday and all going well I should be home with baby by the weekend. We normally have SS that weekend but I have asked DH if it's possible to have SS during the day so he can meet his brother but not over night. DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby. I just want some time for just us without DH having to look after 3 people. Am I being selfish ?

kora you’re mixing up two different issues. OP isn’t asking her DH to have a contingency plan for incase she is still in hospital/in labour over the weekend. (Which of course he should do BTW) she is asking that in the event of everything going to plan and her being home for the weekend that his son doesn’t stay because she wants it to be just her and her baby with DH.

That child was 14 Bumble

OP hasn’t said they won’t make up the time, just that the first night at home she’d like to be able to rest

Please point to where it is said time will be made up.

the OP is being called all names under the sun

Not by me, and yet,

and i am the one being aggressive?

Yes, to me. Who wasn’t aggressive to you or the OP.

Is this the same poster who wanted her DH to make arrangements for her SS if she went into labour?

I have no idea, but that sound like a very sensible thing to plan in advance, unless people suggest a 4 year old should witness his step-mum giving birth? (as if hospitals would even allow that).

Please point to where it is said time will be made up.

Please point to where she said it won't? You are both making assumptions.

ILoveMaxiBondi

you seem to be confusing aggression and sarcasm

Why can't your DH look after 3 people?
No different to any dad having his second child. Don't make him sound helpless.
As a side when DS2 came home we did our utter most to include DS1 with DS2 yet when it was bed time and we had kept to his usual routine that included his supper, bath and story and snuggle, once we left the room there was a huge howl followed by some very big tears. He was crying ' you don't need me now' it was heartbreaking and took lots of reassurance for him to settle again. We had a slight regression in his behaviour for a week or so but kept routines and everything settled down.

Please don't disrupt your SS routine if you can help it.
I understand it's your first and a bit nerve wracking but your husband should smooth things over as he is an expierences father.

Make sure you have a gift from the new baby, do you have a good relationship with his DM. I think she might decide it is to much to soon for you.
I would anyway.
He 'll remember his new siblings new gift the most
Good luck with the baby.

you seem to be confusing aggression and sarcasm

No I’m reading you perfectly well. Are we done?

Please point to where she said it won't? You are both making assumptions.

I'm not assuming anything. The fact is it hasn't been mentioned.

HTH

Please point to where she said it won't? You are both making assumptions.

Ok recounted the conversation then came back and updated and didn't mention it.

Surely she would have said to dh 'can you are if he can stay the Sunday

Or clarified it during her update.

ILoveMaxiBondi no I am not. Most of the responses are viscious and are not thinking about the bigger picture at all. They would much rather jump in and give the OP a kicking. What if the OP isn't home and is ill? Surely discussing things with his sons mother and preparing his son in case he can't visit is far more sensible and less damaging than hoping everything is going to be just fine and dandy. The son is far more likely to feel pushed out if he perceives that he is being dropped at the last minute. As I said it is how all the adults handle it that really matters.

Personally don’t see the issue, my partner has children who come regularly and they are a handful and his attention is pretty much 90% on them whilst they are here.
Which is fine and as it should be under normal circumstances but not on the day I got out from hospital.

If they were kids who would just chill and not need constant bloody supervision and attention then maybe I would have felt differently but they aren’t, they are little terrors who demand to go down and watch TV at 5am or sing at the top of their voices waking up the whole house.

So under those circumstances I asked my partner if i came home the day of or day before their usual visit could he please arrange for them to stay with granny instead of our house. Didn’t end up happening - he actually invited his whole fucking family over as well as his kids. Something which I am actually still really upset about.
If they had been my kids I’d have sent them to my parents for a night or two as well.

@CallMeVito sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, the other posters SS was 14.

Replace "giving birth" by "surgery" and everyone would agree it's sensible that the OP plans to have some rest.

Why do people have to dismiss the physical - and mental - toll of giving birth?

What if the OP isn't home and is ill?

Yes that’s exactly why he needs a contingency plan. But that wasn’t the OPs question at all. Her question was specifically about when she is home and wanting it to be just her, baby and DH.

The fact is it hasn't been mentioned.
came back and updated and didn't mention it.

Exactly my point. So to say one way or another what her intention is about making up or not making up time is an ASSUMPTION.

HTH.

Jesus this is MN at it's finest tonight!

Exactly my point. So to say one way or another what her intention is about making up or not making up time is an ASSUMPTION.

No if you think that might happen, you are assuming. There's nothing to suggest that op is indeed wanting make up the time. She would have mentioned it during all her justifications and her 'I love dss' post.

That's far more likely that she left a huge piece of relevant info out.....twice.

Pah, the SS is 4, you are about to have a baby, you got married at least a year ago.

Good luck to you!

This could well be you in 2 years time. Be kind.

How is he pushed out?

You’ll get flamed either way OP mumsnet hates a SM and the general consensus seems to be SC must always be put above and ahead of any BC ever . .

Ridiculous.

You are more than entitled to want a bit of privacy to bond and establish BF (if you are planning to BF) without the stress of looking after an older child. I’d just swap weekends, hav SS the weekend after instead.

It could be argued that you've got a point, OP. I suppose night time with a newborn is not known for being the most peaceful thing in the world. If this was a case of DS being at the centre of things, but going back to his mum's to sleep so that he wasn't disturbed I could see your POV. I wouldn't necessarily think it was terrible for a four year old to be having a sleepover at Grandma's on the first night his/her full sibling came home from the hospital (although it's not something I would do myself).

However, it's pretty clear from your post that this isn't about what's best for SS. It's about you seeing yourself, your baby and DH as a core family, whilst DH's other child is on the periphery. That's why you talk about "just us". The fact is, your SS is just as much your DH's child as your baby will be. "Just us" includes him too.

As for DH seemed confused at my request but said his priority will be me and baby This is just appalling. His priority should also be his other child, who is probably feeling a little anxious and apprehensive, regardless of whether he seems fine or not, and needs his dad to support him through a massive change to his life. It always baffles me when some women seem happy that their partners don't prioritise their children from previous relationships. Partly because it's just really horrible and twatty, and partly because if he can prioritise a new family over his existing kids, he can do the same to you and yours one day.

Two separate issues

1. Making arrangements for labour for existing children. Completely sensible and no one has a problem with.

1. Once home not wanting to have existing child overnight so father can focus purely on new child. Lots and lots of people have said that the primary concern should be what makes the existing child feel included and not pushed out of their own home.

Bumblebeewine to be fair, not all 14 year old could be trusted to be left alone overnight, and not have a party and trash the place for example! So I can understand contingency plans for both ages . for different reasons.

Wow!!

I think people have been very hard on OP!

Just because she is considering not having DSS stay over dosent mean she’s cutting him out of making his dad choose!

It’s one night Ffsk! 🙄

I know plenty of friends and family who arrange for DC1 to stay over on the first night of a new arrival to the family.

Yes OP has signed up for step family life but she’s about to give birth to her first DC which can be scary and not always straight forward. It’s not above DH inability to look after 3 people. OP may just need some time to recover it’s perfectly reasonable it’s one weekend and one evening not the rest of the child’s life!

What about the child’s mother... perhaps she’s quite happy to spend an extra weeken with her own child rather then him being sent to ex DH house with his new wife and new baby?!