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Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
Beautga · 31/01/2019 23:43

My brother girlfriend had this problem she was a lovely girl.I suggested to her she had a medical problem that might need checking.She took my advice it helped that i am a nurse.It turned out that she had urine tract infection she was prescribed antibiotics and was so pleased i told her

Bethiboo40 · 31/01/2019 23:55

Are you at home working while she is there or do you go out to work?

Dita73 · 01/02/2019 00:49

I would tell her that you’re very grateful for all she’s done but that you don’t feel you need her anymore. Don’t get another babysitter straight away but when you do,if she should ever ask why you didn’t want her back just say that you hadn’t wanted to ask her as you felt bad for letting her go. I wouldn’t mention the smell. It’s going to embarrass her and let’s face it,it hurts to be embarrassed. You can’t have her looking after your baby and preparing food and imagine if someone was to come to your house and think it was you! You’d be mortified. You seem a really nice person and I think if you were to mention the real problem and she got upset then you would feel incredibly guilty and you definitely don’t want that. Best of luck with it

Charlie354 · 01/02/2019 01:52

I have read with horror the posts from people advising you to tell her about poor hygiene but the poor girl probably already knows that she smells and doesn’t know what is causing it or how to stop it.
There is a condition known as trimethylaminurea that causes a very bad odour to emanate from a persons skin,breath, and urine.
It is genetic, is worse in females than males. It reduces after menopause.
It is caused by eating foods like fish, broccoli, cabbage etc when this type of food is metabolised by the body.
No amount of washing can remove the odour so please all of you who think poor hygiene is the problem please think again before you put your self righteous hat on.

Wigwambam10 · 01/02/2019 01:57

the condition that some people have mentioned does not give off a musty smell thought it’s more of a fishy smell.

Musty sounds like her clothes have been left in the washing machine too long.

Wigwambam10 · 01/02/2019 01:58

Also better she is told now then she can hopefully do something about it. She may get a job some day with not so nice work colleagues who would snigger. Much better coming from the op

getawayslough · 01/02/2019 02:11

i wouldnt be able to do it personally, id prob just fire her.Im terrible at confrontation.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 01/02/2019 05:05

Tell her your kids would love it if she looked after them dressed as Cinderella! Then have a lovely freshly laundered perfumed outfit laid out for her to change into on arrival. You could vary the outfits as well if you like.

AJPTaylor · 01/02/2019 05:12

I would honestly just find someone else. Tell her that you no longer need her. Your mum/sister/mil is able to help you out and just quietly find someone.
Honestly life is too short. It's an ad hoc arrangement to help you. It's not worth all this angst.

pictish · 01/02/2019 06:35

I agree. Not worth the angst. Let her go then find someone else. There will always be another babysitter.

I have come across threads/rl dilemmas about people who smell before. Whether it’s a babysitter like this, someone in the office, a relative, whatever...someone always comes up with the idea of buying them some soap!
“Give her some lovely smellies”
As if this is going to turn a person’s habits around for good! “Oh soap! I hadn’t thought of having a wash before...thanks, your gift of soap has changed my life and I’m going to shower daily from now on!”

No. She knows what shower gel is, she has heard of deodorant and for whatever reason, chooses not to be clean. A pointed set of Soap and Glory from Boots will achieve nothing.
Either be brave and tell her straight (I like CoatTails direct approach) or sack her off for someone who doesn’t stink.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/02/2019 08:05

"Not worth the angst. Let her go then find someone else. "

If you sack someone, they deserved to be told why. Don't be a nasty coward OP.

I agree that just giving someone smellies won't work. I get some for Christmas and I haven't understood it to mean BO. I don't quite agree that the person 'chooses not to be clean' though. Some people just use the wrong deodorant (e.g. they'll use body spray or deodorant without anti-antiperspirant) or think they're washing enough when they're not.
I once had a colleague who was in debt. To save money she put old perfume under her arms. It really didn't work.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/02/2019 08:07

"he poor girl probably already knows that she smells "

She might not do.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/02/2019 08:09

"I knew my clothing was fine when I put it on. I eventually figured that the clothing was fine - until it warmed up on me and then the smell came out into the open. The only thing I could do was slowly replace my wardrobe."

What was actually wrong with your clothes?

Gwenhwyfar · 01/02/2019 08:11

"Please, have 5 minutes, you go and freshen up and I'll pop the kettle on then we'll have a brew'."

If you said that to me, I wouldn't be sure what you meant. Even if she understands it as 'wash your armpits', presuming that's where the smell is coming from, she'd need to use deodorant afterwards or totally pointless. You could offer for her to have a shower, but that would take a lot of time out from the babysitting so I think you'd need to know exactly what the problem is.
If the clothes are dirty 'freshening up' won't help.

Binglebong · 01/02/2019 10:00

The sweat had got into my clothes. Not much but some. Once in it was there for good and the warmth of my body activated the smell. So fine when I put it on, not later. I had just assumed I was sweating and that was what smelt. So I tried yet another deodorant and continued to smell.

yorkrose · 01/02/2019 10:36

I have trained staff who have had strong body odour. They didn't use deodorants due to religious beliefs and some believed their scent attracted partners. It personally made me feel sick but I had to put up with it.

Your baby sitter might not have a sense of smell, might have a medical issue or be uable to afford to keep her self clean (clothes and personally). It could be a damp home as others have suggested as I have a friend who never puts the heating on and dries damp clothes all over the house; my home smells after she has visited.

It is a delicate conversation to have and I don't think a text would solve your situation. I would talk to her to find out what is causing the smell so that you might be able to help her. Good luck.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 01/02/2019 10:47

I know it's ultra cowardly but could you text that the parent of a child you tutored complained to you about the smell? You could go further and say you'd also noticed a smell but hadn't been aware of where it was coming from until now

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 01/02/2019 10:48

York I promise I'm not being goady but what religion bans deodorant?

orangecushion · 01/02/2019 10:50

If she works in a school and is doing a great job with children, she must be intelligent. Therefore I would drop a hint and leave it. Hopefully she will tune in and deal with it.

I think the idea of suggesting a freshen up after work and leaving things in the bathroom is a good one and follow up with " did you try the new body spray?" Hopefully she saves face and you get to keep your baby sitter.

Original poster
CoffeeChocolateWine · 01/02/2019 11:24

Gosh, it’s moved on a bit since my last post! Thanks for all the suggestions. I still have the weekend to ponder what I’m going to do before she’s here again. But there is some really good advice here (and some not so good advice!) so I’m just going to have to be brave and do it. So far my older kids haven’t said anything rude to her/about her but my 10yo does choose to spend a fair bit of time upstairs reading when she’s here which is quite telling! My other DC is incredibly in tune with people’s feelings and emotions so would never say anything rude to her directly if it’s likely to cause upset.

OP posts:
yorkrose · 01/02/2019 11:26

@troublewillbdeoutofsight.
I don't think any religion bans deodorant but can come under vanity for some; it could have been in preparation for the hajj. Management had already made enquiries so it wasn't my place to question further.

Autumnbloom · 01/02/2019 11:28

When I was in my 20s I used to smell a bit musty/vinegary - my washing machine was broken (I was broke-so couldn't replace) and I hand washed my work shirts. They never dried properly or took too long to dry.

In my 30s, before children, me and my husband used to notice our clothes smelt a little sometimes. It was because the washing machine was only used a few times a week...maybe bacteria grew in the machine between washes? Now with 2 kids the wash always smells very clean, because it's used so much more. Maybe she does have a damp house or her washing machine is not working very well? Could you lead with this?

MummyofTw0 · 01/02/2019 11:37

Good luck OP

I believe it's the cleaner too. You know your family.

CreakyBlinder · 01/02/2019 11:42

Honestly I don't think you should feel you have to be the one to bring this up. I've had to do if before with a few team members, and it was excruciating - but I had to do it as they were in a professional workplace and it was impacting a lot of other people.

But in this case, I think you just say you're not going to be needing her any more due to changes in your work , and leave it there.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/02/2019 12:17

(and some not so good advice!)

I hope you don't mean me!

My other DC is incredibly in tune with people’s feelings and emotions so would never say anything rude to her directly if it’s likely to cause upset.

Yes, I'm like this.