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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2019 21:10

"Cut your losses and dump her."

Cowardly and nasty!

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2019 21:15

I actually think the 'I don't think your deodorant is working, maybe you could try another one' is quite a good way to word it because it makes the assumption that she's trying, but something's gone wrong out of her control rather than seeming to be accusing her of being dirty.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2019 21:16

"Could you text from a phone she doesn’t know and just gently point out that she has a problem she may want to sort out? "

Hm. What do we normally think of people who send anonymous letters criticising someone?

TelephoneTree · 31/01/2019 21:18

Mrs - it's very passive aggressive too - generally not a great way to communicate with people, or teach your children ...

orangecushion · 31/01/2019 21:20

I would leave some smellies and say something like " I got these free samples, you might want to try them, it can get stuffy in here"

Leave it a week or so and see what happens.

Binglebong · 31/01/2019 21:28

I used to be this person.Blush

I knew I sweated, I knew I washed, knew I'd tried every deodorant going (perspirex at night followed by dove stick in the day is now my go to!) I knew my clothing was fine when I put it on. I eventually figured that the clothing was fine - until it warmed up on me and then the smell came out into the open. The only thing I could do was slowly replace my wardrobe.

If it is clothing then maybe have a moan about one of the children, how the smell gets stuck in their clothing and you've had to bin it. Even joke about how they're too young to use things like perspirex - thank God you can! (Dont use strong - I swear it is acid). If that doesn't work then move on to the face to face.

Good luck.

seenna · 31/01/2019 21:30

Perhaps I'm a coward but I would never dream of telling her.

haventaclueeither · 31/01/2019 21:40

Gwen I was hardly suggesting sending hate mail! No, normally I wouldn’t send anything anonymously but if you read the rest of what I had written I did say gently and with kindness. Saying it to her face or by text from the op is excruciatingly embarrassing for the poor girl. No one is going to take it kindly however well meant, they will feel they are being attacked by that person.

Skittlesandbeer · 31/01/2019 21:49

I’m amazed the kids haven’t been upfront with her...the way kids do. With all the noises and hand gestures.

In fact I’d be jumping onto it, hoping to beat them to it.

OP, you’ve got loads of advice on what to say, how and when. But I thought your question was more ‘How do I steel myself to do this awkward thing?’

I find that I overthink things like this, so after I find a solution I leave it a couple of days to return to my less-anxious self. Then I plan something nice for myself as a reward for ‘after the deed is done’. I also remind myself that it isn’t ‘conflict’ I’m heading into, it’s assertiveness. A very important life skill that gets better/easier with practice. Afterwards you’ll feel proud, relieved and no doubt very ‘adulting win’! Even if she doesn’t improve with her hygiene, you’ll know you did everything you could before letting her go (and so will she). That’s bound to feel good, better than making excuses and trying to hide the new babysitter, right?

You know you’re a nice, caring person, doing the right thing for the right reasons. So go to it. You’ll be glad you did. Think of all the things you do in a day that are, frankly, a bit shit. This is just another one, you’ll be fine (and so will she).

MadMadaMim · 31/01/2019 21:50

Could this be mildew rather than BO?

We had a young man (early 20s) temping with us and his smell overtook the office within 10 mins of him arriving. He was suited, booted and looked 'clean'. Clearly showered every morning.

I volunteered to speak with him and, luckily for me, he joined the gym before I spoke with him and even after a shower, the smell was there within minutes. I realised it was his clothes and NOT him

He wasn't drying his clothes properly after waxing them.

MadMadaMim · 31/01/2019 21:52

*washing them

He was mortified and it was not an easy conversation. The smell was no more though.

He ended up working for the company for years and is now a director!

Aridane · 31/01/2019 21:56

Oh, mrs - of all the lame suggestions on this thread, your actual 'humorous' charade takes the biscuit

Spanglyprincess1 · 31/01/2019 22:01

Honestly op I've done this at work and it's hard but you ahve to man up, it's not fair that she could lose her job over something potentially fixable that you auvnt given her any opportunity to resolve.
I found a open I'm sorry but Ive had complaints you smell and it's making it difficult to work with you. Is there anything going on or we can do to support you resolving this issue? Works best.
Good luck

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2019 22:05

"Gwen I was hardly suggesting sending hate mail! No, normally I wouldn’t send anything anonymously but if you read the rest of what I had written I did say gently and with kindness. Saying it to her face or by text from the op is excruciatingly embarrassing for the poor girl."

Yes, but an anonymous text?!?
She might spend the rest of her life thinking who sent it.

SirVixofVixHall · 31/01/2019 22:05

I don’t mind a damp smell, I have spent a lot of time on boats, and they are always damp. That musty antique shop smell I like too. Mildewed towels though, horrible. I agree it could be how she dries things. I don’t have a tumble drier and sometimes have to re wash things in a hot wash as they have gone fusty through drying too slowly.
Really bad armpit sweat BO is grim, but it sounds as though it isn’t that ? To me it does sound more like a clothing issue, from drying things badly, and/or wearing things for too many days.
Anyway, I agree face to face is better, telling her that her clothes are smelling fusty is probably easier than telling her she has bad BO. When your house is damp it is hard to smell it as everything gets damp.

2019goingsofast · 31/01/2019 22:06

If she has come straight from a hot classroom where she has been running around all day, she might be quite dishevelled, you could acknowledge this with her and offer her to use your shower/freshen up before she starts work with you maybe.

everydayiwonder · 31/01/2019 22:06

Apparently they’ve removed lots of Parabens from deodorants so deodorant that worked for people before isn’t working now.
I’ve tried 3 different ones as I could feel myself getting a bit pongy and eventually found Mitchum was the only one that worked.
Why not mention about the parabens and suggest Mitchum or say you got it on buy one get one free and it’s fantastic and she should try it x

pictish · 31/01/2019 22:12

I’d just bypass all the stress and get another babysitter.

OJZJ · 31/01/2019 22:20

I am only at the end of page one.
I worked with someone who stank, and was dirty ...and a little (massive obnoxious )shit as well tbh but I was friends with his mum so had to play nice....
He didn't have a washing machine and was too tight to pay for laundry so I used to do his washing and ironing for him free of charge and without thanks too, god I am a mug
Anyway maybe ask if that's a problem and offer for her to put a load of washing in when looking after the kids to help her out.
She may work in a school but it's not a great wage (not sure how much)

CoatTails · 31/01/2019 22:20

As a manager, I’ve dealt with this more times than I care to remember.
Top tips:
Talk to her 5 mins before she leaves.
Keep it simple: it’s not a conversation.
Remember you are paying her for her service and so the service needs to meet your requirements.
“This isn’t something I want to tell you, but I have to tell you. It’s a bit awkward, so I’m just going to be direct.
Although your work is fantastic, you often smell unpleasant and it can be difficult to around that smell. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know as I would love to keep working with you if this can be sorted.
I’m going to let you get off now, I know that was probably hard to hard. I’ll see you on Friday. Thank you for today.”

villagelife77 · 31/01/2019 22:25

What’s more important???? Tell her she stinks and find a new babysitter

insideoutsider · 31/01/2019 22:28

This reminds me of those bath / shower posts where someone says,
'I only shower twice a week and I don't smell... I wear clean clothes and no one has ever complained so, there.'

No dear, you smell. Now there's a thread trying to figure out how to tell you or sack you!

busyhonestchildcarer · 31/01/2019 22:28

Could you send her a text thanking her for all of her help.Tell her that you feel she always goes over and above what you expect and that you have bought her a little thankyou pressie.A lovely little hamper of smellies but nothing to obvious like deodarant.If you think she is always wearing the same clothes then maybe a small clothes shop voucher too.

OJZJ · 31/01/2019 22:29

Just read your post about musty smell.
She could be living somewhere really damp and the smell is permeating her clothes, my sister has a lovely friend with a horrendously damp flat that makes everything smell so bad my sis says she has to strip off and wash everything inc herself after visiting her friend. The friend is aware of damp but sadly cannot afford to move elsewhere and the landlord doesn't care, it could be a similar problem. Good luck with your talk

BlancheM · 31/01/2019 23:28

I like PP's suggestion of remarking on the long day she's had rather than commenting on the smell. So as she's arriving, something like 'hi! Gosh these are long days for you rushing around straight here from school, I'm feeling a bit frazzled myself today. Please, have 5 minutes, you go and freshen up and I'll pop the kettle on then we'll have a brew'.

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