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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me do this tactfully!

255 replies

CoffeeChocolateWine · 29/01/2019 20:09

I have a regular babysitter who comes round once a week for about 3 hours to look after my 8mo baby while I do some work. I met her once and she seemed very nice, very keen, qualified and exactly what I was looking for so I hired her. However, we are about 6 weeks in now and it is becoming very apparent that she has very poor personal hygiene.

When she arrives in my home the smell is quite overpowering and it doesn’t take long before my lounge, where she generally looks after my baby, smells too. While she is here, she sorts out dinner for my 2 older children as well as feeds my baby, which now makes me feel quite nauseous. When she leaves I have to spray the room and rather than putting my baby straight to bed as I would like, I have to bath her as she smells by then too Sad

I’ve tried to be quite forgiving of it as that aside from this she is doing a good job, but it has got to the point where I don’t want her smelling out my home. And it’s mid-winter...what is summer going to be like if I keep her on? I’m terrible at confrontation and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings (she is early/mid twenties) so how do I let her go tactfully? I keep thinking I could just make up an excuse about stopping the work so she’s no longer needed but I worry about her seeing the kids at some point in the future with another babysitter!

How should I handle this or do I just need to be honest?!

OP posts:
marymarkle · 31/01/2019 19:11

I have had to tell two members of staff this. One changed, ended up thanking me, and it was never an issue again. One improved temporarily then slipped back.
Just tell her face to face that she has a strong odour and she needs to address this. Do it before she leaves for the day. If it addressed fine, if not let her go.
Don't assume people who are smelly know. Most people are too scared to tell someone this.

Tp1976 · 31/01/2019 19:18

Hi,
Could you just say
“Sorry I don’t mean to be intrusive but.....
Is everything ok at home? As I’ve noticed you ‘sometimes’ smell quite strongly, possibly musty. If there’s anything I can do to help let me know. As the children and I are finding the smell a little uncomfortable. I really don’t want to hurt your feelings as you’re great with the children.

MarieKondo · 31/01/2019 19:27

Sometimes TA’s in particular wear lots of layers as they do playground / lunch duty and want to keep warm. But then when you come indoors, the classroom heating is often on full blast and you roast (and sweat) with lots of little bodies crammed in together. Add in maybe wearing a jumper or shirt 2 days on the trot and you’re smelling pretty ripe!

You just need to sit her down and kindly tell her that some parents of the pupils you teach have asked about the smell. Tell her that she probably isn’t aware but suggest that she change clothes that are worn close to her body daily.

MummyofTw0 · 31/01/2019 19:30

Really difficult one to do without hurting her feelings

Why don’t you buy her some deodorant and nice smellies? She might get the hint?

Crummyfunnymummy · 31/01/2019 19:45

Mmm I had a problem like this once. My DM had terrible breath! It really was awful. It made my eyes water! If she’d been over during the day my DH would come home (after she’d gone) and say he could smell it in the lounge, on my baby’s hair! 🤢 I knew no one else would say anything. All too cowardly. So I bit the bullet and tried as kindly and tactfully as I could to tell her. It was the most awful experience. She cried! And she never forgave me. I still think I did the right thing but if I had to do it again I think I would do it differently. I wouldn’t try and be tactful and caring and show concern and be apologetic. It just made it worse. I’d just say it. Matter of fact. In passing and not make a big deal of it. Just “The last few times you’ve been over I’m afraid there seems to have been quite a strong body odour coming from you. I hope I don’t offend you by telling you. Just thought you’d probably want to know.” And then that’s it. Change the subject. Don’t offer to support her, or buy her gifts of shower gel or whatever.

craftylala · 31/01/2019 19:51

Could you say something like .....
I cant help but wonder if you realise that whatever deodorant or body spray you use is somehow not suited to your body chemistry and its making a very strong and distinct scent. I had something similar when I used boots deodorant, seemed worse than using nothing but when I switched brand it was fine. Do you think that might be it - Ive got a spare.... if you want to try it, or is there anything I can help with?

Aridane · 31/01/2019 19:53

It's a tricky one alright. It may even be something in her diet like coffee or onions etc. Either she'll improve her hygiene or get a medical check up

Or quit!

holey · 31/01/2019 19:54

If anyone said this to me, via text or face to face I'd never, ever be able to face them again, I'd feel so embarrassed and humiliated. If I was your babysitter I would a hundred times rather you made up an excuse or even sacked me outright for not giving the baby enough attention or something, than tell me I smelled. But that's just me and I know others would feel differently. I'm menopausal and have a much reduced sense of smell (weird side effect apparently). I can't smell sweat and so over deodorise to compensate, although my hygiene is good and I don't sweat much, thankfully. A few months ago, before we left the house, my daughter brought me a deodorant can. I found that really embarrassing and it was my own daughter.
So in your shoes, I personally would definitely not be able to say anything. Although having said that, I may not be able to smell her, so might not have noticed anyway!!

Aridane · 31/01/2019 19:55

Don't make it all about you - oh, this is really difficult / embarrassing etc.

And don't do the, oh, can you smell this funny smell/ oh hear is some shower gel, you smell of school, now strip and shower

Aridane · 31/01/2019 19:56

And (wo)man up and to it face to face and not hide behind a text (which is easier for you). Again, it's not all about you.

A poster earlier had a clear concise way of expressImg it, cited from a website, and I suggest you ho with that

Aridane · 31/01/2019 19:57

Am surprised you two older kids haven't been blurting it out to her!

Catsinthecupboard · 31/01/2019 19:59

I've found that flipping things sometimes works.

"Btw, i had someone tell me that my deodorant isn't working! I was hurt. But thought i should try a new deodorant. I LOVE this! I bought two. One for you too."

As far as bad breath goes, that is often a medical problem. Needs a dentist.

frogintheTyne · 31/01/2019 20:03

I like catsinthecupboard suggestion ^

Sasstal67 · 31/01/2019 20:07

Not everyone is aware of their BO, no matter how strong it seems to others. Decades ago, my sister was employed in a factory, her first job after leaving school. Her personal hygiene was on point as usual and we hadn't noticed any pungent scent when in her company. However, a couple of people at work had commented about it to her superior, who just happened to be a neighbour and friend of the family. I can only presume that the smell was only noticeable when she was working hard, it was during the summer months. I felt almost as bad for the neighbour, who was obviously distressed at having to pass on the complaint to my mother who answered the door, as I did my sister who was in floods of tears when she arrived home afterwards to hear about the visit. She couldn't understand it as she used deodorant before work and bathed each evening. She visited a GP who examined her and found a sweat gland that had something wrong with it. I was told to mind my own business when I asked, so only know what I overheard. She did get some cream to apply and had to wash it very often until the issue was resolved. Not everyone who smells is lazy or unhygienic and not everyone is aware of it. However, it is only doing her a favour in addressing it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

holey · 31/01/2019 20:17

Just had a thought. I posted a few minutes ago saying that I wouldn't cope if someone said it to me. But there is a way that would have worked perfectly for me and may do for her, if she's aware of the problem.
Years ago, in my 20s I sweated quite a lot in hot weather (I think a lot if young people do). I knew it and was embarrassed by it, especially when having meetings etc with colleagues. If I'd arrived at yours after a day at work and you'd said "holey, you look exhausted! Would you like to take a few minutes to freshen up before you start? Help yourself to the smellies in the bathroom" etc- I'd have LOVED you! You could even suggest she leaves clothes at yours to change into. But do it along the lines of how tired and hot she looks and it must be exhausting coming straight here from work etc

Mrsmadevans · 31/01/2019 20:26

I used to take my DDS and their friend out sometimes and the friend stank . I was very funny about it all and very light hearted and said 'ohh what is that smell? OMG is that me ' and sniffed my own armpits and said 'no it's not me , is it you DDS? ' and sniffed them and then said 'no it's not you to it must be you Cerys ' and laughed about it . Hope it goes ok for you OP Flowers

Turquoisetamborine · 31/01/2019 20:33

I have to do this dozens of times in a year for work. I’m actually quite good at it now but you’d be surprised how thick skinned some people are and they don’t improve even after being spoken to about it (and offered ways of helping them with it, ie washing powder, soap etc).

EssentialHummus · 31/01/2019 20:34

That could be quite cruel mrs. I think you've had some good advice above OP, good luck! I have had to do this before and went with a private chat and "I don't think your deodorant is working" (not that bluntly, but that was the gist).

TelephoneTree · 31/01/2019 20:43

How about "I hope you don't mind me mentioning, but I'm wondering if you might need a different deodorant? Which one do you use? Then to whatever she says (hopefully she uses one?!) just say - is it possible to try a different one, or maybe freshen up in our bathroom when you arrive?

And then see what she says and then end the convo with "Can I just say how brilliant you are with the children, I'm so glad we found you. Thank you so much for all you do for us.'

TelephoneTree · 31/01/2019 20:46

Bit cruel Mrs

delboysskinsandblister · 31/01/2019 20:47

employ a fresh babysitter and tell the stinky one that you don't need a babysitter anymore because you are not going out anymore.

don't let your baby anywhere near the stinky one.

SwallowsInSpring · 31/01/2019 20:48

I had to do this at work to someone. I felt awful, dreading it etc. Then thought to myself that actually it’s not about how I feel, so I just need to do it in a professional way...

It was a bit cringey but I moved on prettty quickly from saying I’d noticed that she suffered from BO to what could we do about it eg offered more funding for extra uniforms etc. So maybe you could ask if she needs more time between finishing at school and arriving with you? Eg if you need time to pop home or want to bring fresh clothes here and have ten minutes to get changed before you start with us?

You could also shift it slightly to say that a couple of clients/students have mentioned it and your older kids asked about it and you don’t want it to become an issue or for people to be mentioning it behind her back as that doesn’t seem very fair?

Definitely better face to face as she would only re-read a text again and again. I found I barely remembered the detail of our conversation afterwards and hope the girl in question was the same. She took it very well, went a bit pink but then seemed hugely relieved so I think she must have known x

Mrsmadevans · 31/01/2019 21:01

Oh do you think it was cruel ? I didn't think it was because l was so jovial and made it very light hearted , perhaps it was a bit , oh l hope she wasn't upset .

ChrisjenAvasarala · 31/01/2019 21:05

Mrsmadevans, that was pretty awful. What you did makes a big deal of it and creates a situation where the others would have been sniffing around and either saying or thinking "eugh, it's her". Drawing attention to it infront of others and encouraging sniffing is just mean.

haventaclueeither · 31/01/2019 21:07

Face to face or text from you will cause embarrassment. Could you text from a phone she doesn’t know and just gently point out that she has a problem she may want to sort out? It could be from anyone she is working with so she won’t have the embarrassment when she sees you next and will give her a chance to improve before she sees you next. There is no good way to do this but if it is done with kindness you may be doing her a favour all round.