To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

They sound appalling!

WRT the children - why don't you buy them personalised presents, with their names on. She'll find them harder to sell on and will have a hard time justifying to you why she doesn't want them personalised.

As for the rest, take a huge step back. Develop selective memory quickly - if she knows when you'll be in NYC then you're never able to remember the name of the hotel. And warn them you'll be keeping your phones switched off whilst you're away, so they won't be able to contact you.

Im intrigued as to how he gets benefits?

Ok, I'm quitting my job. I need to lose about 7-8 kgs, so I guess in 2-3 months I can look for another. This is actually the most idiotic thing I've EVER read. I can't believe it.

1. Your honeymoon is your honeymoon. Honeymoon=2 people. So that's a big fat NO. 2. No more presents. This is sad, because the children have no fault, but you need to do it
2. No more going out with them, or if you do, ask for fair payment of what they ate/taxis etc.

This is cfert at its finest

They sound beyond entitled and think they should have what they want when they want it and the world (or you) should pay for it.

I'd certainly pull back form the friendship.

I just read the cleaning gives her anxiety part.

So she won't work, won't clean, will happily accept other people subsidise her lifestyle that she can't afford by any means and she's in love with Loboutin shoes. She sounds amazing! Should we raise some £ to buy her a pair of Loboutins,

Darling I am urging you to ignore the batshitters who are saying you’re at fault.

I’m so sorry you lost your baby. That’s an absolute headfuck. The fact they never acknowledge this will definitely be hurtful and the lack of gratitude for your gifts to their DC makes them inconsiderate and frankly stupid.

The only - only - solution to this is get distance and fast. You have to start saying no to double dates. You have to purposefully avoid situations where they will definitely be and if you find yourself with them unavoidably and you and DP are being asked to put both your hands in pockets, truly just say “I’m sorry guys, we’re on a budget” and divert any follow up questions.

This could make matters awks at your wedding but I would suggest it’s worth flexing your “no” ASAP as this could actually improve matters around weddingtime.

By showing them the gravy train has pulled into the station you may find that you get no further holiday gatecrash requests and associated cheeky fuckery.

Good luck and once again I’m so sorry about your baby

Well her fibro can't be that bad if she can teeter around on a pair of Christian Laboutins! 🤔

Sorry to say you are dealing with a pair of freeloading lowlives! Hope Sainsburys cotton on to what your friend is doing and sues the arse off her. 😡

I would be giving them a very wide berth, family or not.

and he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track.

What?????

They see your life as 'got lucky'

Do they realise the harder you work, the 'luckier' you get?

Oh and absolutely beside myself with laughter at the can't work as he has to lose weight comment

bizarre!

Ps: what does your DP have to say about this and is he in tune with your thoughts?

It sounds like you got the stage of actually resenting her for her bahaviour when ultimately, you should have said no more much sooner so it didn't get to it. You need to accept some blame in this.

It's now tike to do what you should have done a long time ago. It might be the end of your friendship, but if that's the case it means she only valued your friendship for your money so it wasn't a friendship to start with.

It sounds like they have both developed a victim mentality and that they have convinced themselves that none of it is their fault and that they deserve what you have worked so hard for. I fear there is no changing the mindset of professional, scrounging 'poor me' types like this.

For some reason you seem a bit afraid of upsetting her when in actual fact she should be afraid of upsetting you with all the unbelievably cheeky things she has done!

They are going to keep taking advantage for only as long as you let them. I'm so sorry you have this to deal with on top of your devastating loss. You sound like a lovely friend, all being equal, but it's not, she's using you in a horrid way.

Refuse to give them any information on your NY honeymoon so they can't gatecrash it. If they've already booked, change your arrangements and don't tell them.

This has become so entrenched that now they regard you as some sort of "Bank of Mum and Dad".

You need to start going much lower contact. FAST.

From the sounds of it I don't think your DP would object to it too much.

You can make up excuses for not socialising much. Trying to save for the wedding, having an (entirely fictional) no booze challenge, feeling under the weather, going to visit your family (even if not) etc etc.

Now she is requesting her parents are invited so they can leave after the meal with the kids.
Say yes, as long as she gives you cash upfront for their meals

Her DH is very resentful and feels my DP got lucky with his job and therefore is in a better position to look after his family.
No, he didn’t get lucky, he got off his backside and got a job, how can he be resentful when he chooses not to bother?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it would be easy to ignore the CFery if they were supportive, kind and understanding when it really mattered - but they are clearly self-absorbed d-bags.

DP and DH really only have each other, mother is deceased and dad is not around. They kill each other, they argue about everything but they love each other a lot and look out for each other. My man always says you shouldn’t pay too much heed to him, he has a big mouth but a good heart. He is a chancer. My friends other friend works in a spa and does massage and her DH has somehow managed to wrangle a free massage out of her every week to keep his muscles healthy from the gym. He doesn’t pay her. I know the girl, albeit not very well, just through our mutual friend and she makes not so subtle “jokes” about being paid for DH to say that it’s horrid to charge your friends for favours, and that he wouldn’t charge her. But he doesn’t do anything for her. I stay well out of that as it is none of my business but he would then gloat to DP about how he gets his deep tissue done for nothing.

DP would tell him he is a knob but accept that’s just how he is. DP always told me not to spoil the kids, but it’s hard not to especially when you know times are tough for mommy and daddy. But i suppose if someone laid that level of attention and love on my (non existent) child I would assume I would feel happy that my child had family who adored them and looked after them, and grateful that they were looked after and thought of, it wouldn’t cross my mind to send someone screenshots of the converse or sketchers that I want them to buy my kids.

I know it is my own fault and I will start reigning it in and cutting off contact, but I just hope she doesn’t stop my DP and her DH from having some sort of relationship because they’re the only blood each other have

Why can't her parents just turn up when it's time to collect the kids? Why do they need to be part of the wedding; they aren't actually any relation to either you or your husband.

You need to take a stand otherwise you are looking at a lifetime of being mugged off.

Well I can't see how NC will work if you want the brothers to see each other.

And sorry but your last message was hard to follow. One is your Dp or DH, the other IS your Dbil

Hey @fabaunt

DP always told me not to spoil the kids, but it’s hard not to especially when you know times are tough for mommy and daddy. But i suppose if someone laid that level of attention and love on my (non existent) child I would assume I would feel happy that my child had family who adored them and looked after them, and grateful that they were looked after and thought of

I think you are projecting your own sad experience on the situation here and I mean that with love. You care deeply; that’s a very good quality. But when that compassion starts dragging you down and the parents are taking the absolute piss you have to have to step back.

You have a lot of love to give and you can give it. But be wise not to let BIL and grasping SIL get in the way of you being a truly fab aunt - which I suspect you already are.

To their children, the chances are your love and attention is priceless. Don’t let these cheeky fuckers get in the way of that truth and feel guilt that shouldn’t exist.

I worked in spas for years I have never heard of people getting away with given freebies.How is he walking past the reception without paying?.

Can't work because he's on a diet. That's a good one! FFS!

No the spa therapist is qualified in massage, and works in a spa but she does his massages outside of work, in her own time for free. Sorry, I just mentioned the spa incase people thought she was just giving him a random rub down.

Also, DP is mine, DH is hers although BIL makes more sense thank you

These people are geniuses.

We are all a bunch of eejits, people. Look at all us mugs, actually paying for shit.