To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

Hope the boys are ok in all this

Your other half sounds like he is going to be a good husband! You are both right and please keep us updated!🙂

Whatever they do now, just think of it as the sting of the dying wasp

Its all over now and well done. She is never going to change, what did she do when she got her big pay out? Squandered it and went back for more. You had to cut her off before she cleaned you out too.

Go and enjoy the rest of your lovely life now.

CF the pair

Who cares if she spins it, @SparkiePolastri ? Who cares? Really, so what? OP and CF will know the truth.

And that is why CFs never learn, @WhereYouLeftIt because people like you enable them by not being arsed to pull them up and give in before you even start. Your and others attitudes are enabling and part of the problem.

Tantrumming much, LunafortJest ?

The OP has puled them up. They're not listening. They will never listen. Maybe you live in a world where people realise the error of their ways and mend them, but personally I don't live in a Hollywood film.

How you avoid enabling them is to give them nothing - certainly not a letter full of ammunition.

Its a touch naive to think that sending a letter will achieve anything more than extra drama and some truncated excerpts making the rounds on Facebook. The CF here has proven she's selfish, entitled and crazy - no amount of letters will change that, and will just fuel her next big outburst. Refusing to engage isnt enabling the CF, its cutting off the oxygen to everything she thrives on.

In any event, I can't imagine this is absolutely the last you hear of them - but I hope you continue to manage it with the dignity you've shown so far.

OP I hope you and your DP have a lovely wedding and that you continue to have a healthy relationship with your nephews. Im so glad you found the strength to stand up for yourself, and your partner did the same. Best of luck to you both.

So LunafortJest, in your head, what would be the outcome if OP sent such a letter?

OP and her partner HAVE had it out with them. They HAVE told SIL what she's done wrong. It was that, that lead to her sending the letter berating OP over 10 pages. She still doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She never will.

Now, why are you so heavily invested in whether OP writes a letter? You're getting very agitated at the thought that OP won't send one. Do you know the SIL? Because the SIL would LOVE to have such a letter in her possession, as ammunition.

the trouble is, CFs like this one have all the time in the world to get the last word in. There would be a 20 page reply to the letter. There would be endless U OK Hun posts on Facebook, there would be another letter adding more stuff to the previous letter that they'd forgotten, there would be copies of the letter sent to various relatives... it would go on and on and on and on.

Much better to cut off the oxygen. Fabaunt has said her piece, her DH has backed her up - the hard part now is just sticking to what you've said, and refusing to be drawn back in.

The problem with me sending the letter is, she isn’t self aware. All her life everything is justified. She doesn’t even attempt to lie to hide her attitude because she sees nothing wrong with it.

“I’m mad at you for taking our money at dinner when you knew we needed it, when both you and Partner have money”

“I am going on your honeymoon with you because this is the last chance we will get to have a big holiday before the boys get too big to leave behind”

“I know it’s your birthday but we have a surprise party for (auntie of hers) so can you take the boys? You’re 28, why are you making your birthday into a big deal? I never get to go out, you have every other weekend”.

I have noticed she always asks us to babysit around anniversaries or our birthdays because it’s like she doesn’t want us to have an “us” celebration.

If someone didn’t realize what they were doing and were genuinely being thoughtless or open to the idea they were hurting other people, a letter may be the way to go. I’m certainly not perfect and will take some of the points she made in her letter on board.

But with her, she comes first. With her parents, with her family, with her husband, it has to be her first. It doesn’t matter who suffers as long as she has what she wants. That is the end goal. She wouldn’t deliberately try to hurt someone but she wouldn’t let them stand in her way to get what she wants.

She would never say she can’t go somewhere because money is tight, she would never refuse dinner because she can’t afford to come out. In her mind it’s her right to these things and others should support that.

You can’t reason with that. You can’t make someone in their 30s see that’s wrong if they don’t already see it.

@Fabaunt I agree.

I can't bear to be around people who feel that the world owes them. We all make our own choices, and we are responsible for them, no one else.

Any further updates or contact @Fabaunt ?

she would never say she can’t go somewhere because money is tight, she would never refuse dinner because she can’t afford to come out

She sounds hideous. The only way to deal with people is to not tell them anything about what you’re doing, doing invite them out to dinner (or anywhere else) and don’t look after their kids.

It is very hard to argue when people have that selfish, self-entitled attitude.

My ex-friend could not understand that when a large group of people pre-arrange to meet up at a mid point that no one else will agree to their proposed last minute change that only benefits that one person as it's on their doorstep and it is too last minute to let everyone know, will mean some people will then be further away so will need to travel earlier/get different bus links etc.

She dismissed everyone else's inconveniences and was only concerned that she wanted a short journey time and no transport costs.

Like for example,

We went to DP and BILs grandmothers funeral 4 hours drive away two years ago. DP drove and they got lifts. DP was annoyed that his brother didn’t contribute for fuel and said it to him afterwards, and they were like “but you were going anyway”.

I had a hospital procedure a few months ago where I would be sedated, and needed someone to bring me to and from the hospital (15 mins drive for her), and she took £20 for fuel that I didn’t mind paying because I needed her to come get me. But it’s just the attitude.

No contact at all since

When I fell out with my best friend it was a relief to finally say what I felt and stop putting up with and making excuses for her bad behaviour.

I miss my friend but my life is so much nicer without her in it so much.

She seemed to always take all the attention - events like my birthday suddenly became about me again not her horses/boyfriend cheating/health/weight/surgery scars etc.

Made it to page 28 but wanted to make an interim comment. I was 1uite shocked that someone pulled a disabled single oatemrentup on the fact that she was getting financial help from the tax payer. That is surely the whole point of benefits to support those unable to at this point in their lives to support themselves.
I do sympathise with you op but your comment about being fed up of your thread being derailed disappointed me a little. Re the situation with your friend and BIL I think you should just go non contact with your friend and leave your do to deal with his brother.
The whole in law situation is tricky.

Well done on re-derailing the the thread.

That was weeks ago, in case you hadn't realised. The thread has moved on.

Wow. You have handled this so well. So much better than I would have done.

And your dp is fab

Have a fantastic wedding, honeymoon and marriage

This could be the eye of the storm. Weather this and you stand a chance of the (new) precedent being set and adhered to, by BIL at least. She may be too up her own endless arsehole to ever get perspective.

Good luck.

The cf charged you for transport to and from a surgical procedure
And you have been so kind and generous to her and her dc.
Are you nuts, calling her a friend ?

I'm even more aghast that the CF freeloading benefit scroungers are driving around in a car!!

They'll really need to cut their cloth now since they don't have you guys to find their entitled lifestyle anymore.

It might even give them the push they need to get jobs.