To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP, this is absolutely horrendous. How completely rude are these people?

I wouldn't socialise with them anymore either. If they need an explanation why, I would tell them that you are feeling pressure to spend money on them, when it isn't your place to give them absolutely anything. Their circumstances is something they have chosen. They have to live with that, not freeload off of people that are better off. Appalling behaviour and a complete lack of respect for you both.

So if she doesn’t work nor does he, how do they live? Pay for bills, food, their kids, etc, let along joining you on your honeymoon!!

You’ve done nothing wrong and they both sound very entitled. I’d step back if I was you.

When DB said you'd upset his wife, your DP should have responded that you were similarly upset when you saw the items for sale on FB soon after.

The honeymoon is an easy one. A straight no, it's your honeymoon and you want to spend it alone.

Other than that your DP needs to have a heart to heart with his DB and let him know that when you socialise you can only pay for your own expenses and can't subsidise them.

They actually sound profoundly stupid and I am surprised you can tolerate their company

If they keep pressing you for their big apple break (emphasis on big) just laugh. They are trying to manipulate you! Don't stand for it.

The fact is, they chose to have kids before 30 so they can't expect to have the same type of birthday treat as a footloose fancy free 30 year old unless they have stacks of cash! Which they don't and no amount of flinging themselves on supermarket floors is going to change that.

I feel sorry for their kids that this is their parents' outlook on life: a bit of exercise means you can't work and when in doubt, try to scam a handout.

Enjoy your honeymoon and for god's sake don't let that pair anywhere near it! Imagine being on your cruise ship with the constant free-floating dread that waiting for you on the other side was those two. It would spoil everything. NO.

I would say to her you have stopped buying expensive gifts because you were hurt by seeing her sell them on Facebook. Then end that conversation and don’t let her explain or pretend she was bought duplicates etc. Then say your honeymoon is for the two of you and not anyone else.

It sounds like you need to learn to say no and stay firm instead of feeling as if you are in the wrong or guilty for asking them to behave as friends and family should.

They sound awful. Really truly awful. I'd run a mile if I were you, what on earth are you doing putting up with all of this.

This.

Read this thread back OP. Dear God! You dont have to cut all contact given they are family members, just dont be guilt-tripped into paying for stuff.....

YOUR honeymoon is THEIR last chance at a childless trip???!!!

Imo, either they're clueless or they're playing you.

"We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it."

TBH this is the easiest part off the problem to deal with. You just tell them it's your honeymoon and you are NOT sharing any of it with other people. No matter how much of a cheeky fucker your friend/SIL is, this is a point that she cannot argue with. Stand firm, and tell he emphatically that you do not want her gatecrashing your honeymoon and that you are shocked that she would suggest such a thing. You really need to pull her up short over this, and by doing so it will make it a whole lot easier to rein her in with her other cheekyfuckery.

Now, you wrote that "She is one of my closest friends." Maybe she was. but frankly she has morphed into something completely different over time. I think you should accept that she is no longer your friend, she is just someone who is tied to you socially via you DP/her DH. And she and her husband are leeches. They look at you and DP with envy and entitlement and they will suck you dry if you let them.

So you need to not let them.

It really is time to distance yourselves from this CF pair. Cut the socialising with them right back. AND TELL THEM WHY.

I am also aghast at her husband's 'reason' for not working, but it's irrelevant here apart from confirming his sense of entitlement.

Don’t go away with them again.
Also, don’t go out for dinner with them. Don’t you suggest it and then if they suggest it, say no.
See them a lot less.
Don’t lend them any money.

he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track.

she fell again in the same supermarket and is trying to push ahead with a second claim, which is what she justifys when she’s putting expensive things on the credit card and taking out loans for a phone. She thinks she will have it paid back with the compensation.

So they are bone idle scroungers who think the world owes them a living. Why exactly would you want to spend time with these people?

They sound like professional freeloaders. I despise false claims and hope they get their just desserts from Sainsburys.

Re nyc wouldn’t it be a shame if they were told the wrong dates....

Jokes aside say no.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

So what did you say to them when they suggested this?

you are being taken for such a ride. please cut them off.

you don't go out to do anything with them that may cost money.

"lets do dinner next sunday?"
"sorry we're busy next sunday."

and repeat

For heavens sake just stop letting this pair of scroungers leech off you and your dp. I've never heard the likes of someone not working because they are trying to lose weight - fucking pathetic excuse. Do no this ask what kids want or need in future for birthday/Christmas. Buy an outfit in primary which will be perfectly adequate for any child and let her shove any notions of designer labels up her hole. As for your honeymoon - tell them straight out that they are not welcome to intrude on such an intimate break away. I can tell believe they would even suggest it. If they can manage to get a babysitter let them sod off on their own trip. Why should you and dp have to pay their way - which is what they most likely will expect when they get there. It's time for yourself and dp to put the foot down and set very clear boundaries with these two. No more nights out together unless it's made clear that everyone pays for themselves. They have made choices which have led them to being less well off - that's not your problem.

he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track
Wow. How long does it take to prep a salad to take to work and to walk there to lose weight?
Take all the advice from PPs about paying by cash for your share, avoiding them & not buying presents for them to resell. They're taking the proverbial.

Everything has been said already. I mean, seriously. YOUR honeymoon, end of. Pair of CFs. She's NOT your friend anymore. She possibly never was. I'm so sorry.

They’re awful.

How are they planning to afford a trip to NYC anyway?

Everything is about her though. If I have my hair done. She has her hair done. She is my bridesmaid as well as my sister, my wedding shoes are Christian louboutin (my first pair!) and she is talking about how she might get a pair for the wedding. I won’t tell her not to, but I have already bought their shoes.

DPs mother is dead and they don’t speak to their dad so the hotel where we’re having our reception included two parent rooms and she has already put her name on DP/DH parents room. I don’t mind too much as it is included in the package.

DP has a company car for work, and they expected him to give them his old car. They wanted it for free, he said no but gave them a good price and they’ve spent the past two years paying £20 back each week.

Initially we didn’t want children at our wedding just so parents could chill out and relax and I am not comfortable with adults drinking around children but my friend told DP he could f*ck off, that his nephews were going. That was fine, not worth the row. Now she is requesting her parents are invited so they can leave after the meal with the kids.

You know I have rarely thought about it all written down.

She once asked me to babysit and told me to bring a gas token for the meter if I wanted the heating as they had no money on the meter

'Outfit in Primark'
'I can't believe'

You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

With friends like that, who needs enemies.

Wow you are a mug
Why would you ever put up with it.

If they want a last childless trip then they can book one themselves surely?