To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

I have fibromyalgia and still work. It's tough going but it pays the bills. I've also lost weight and managed to keep working. They sound like bone idle spongers who expect everyone else to find their lifestyle which they cannot afford.

I was friends with my dh's SIL before I met him. We'd no longer be in contact if we weren't related. Sad but true! It sounds like it's very one sided now.

Oh and no way would they be joining my honeymoon!

How does he afford to go to the gym every day if he isn’t working? Honestly, that’s the most bizarre excuse I’ve ever heard for not getting s job.
They are both CFs and not your friends.

Jesus how the hell have you let it get this bad?

I can't even believe half of what you have put up with. It is so far outside the bounds of normal behaviour.

I guess it has just escalated over time, and only now are you realising quite how bad it is.

You need to start putting in place massive hard rock-firm boundaries.

And saying no. A lot. No, that doesn't work. No, of course we're not going to do that. No, that is not appropriate.

Be very very strong. And very very firm. And start putting a much distance between them and you as possible.

I don't understand why you pay for them if you don't want to.

I never understand these threads. How do people cope in life if they can't say no

YABU for complaining about a situation entirely of your own making.

Omg it just gets worse.

They have absolutely no sense of shame and zero pride whatsoever.

They're probably benefit scammers too. Gym memberships and cars and trips away when your both unemployed with two kids doesn't sound right. Especially when she's on about NY and buying Laboutin shoes!!

he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track

I just can't get past this. WTF????? Are you serious???

In answer to your question, I would be upfront and have a conversation with them.

Because it started out small.
“I’m running late for the cinema can you pick up my ticket?”
So I would get the tickets and the snacks and she would come and not have to get the money or tickets, then that stopped and we would go to cinema she just would stand there and wouldn’t take her purse out. So I would pay.

I felt bad for her when she had the baby because I knew she was strapped for cash and she was my best friend so I didn’t mind buying the baby an outfit or a toy she told me he would like.

Then I was pregnant and there was no excitement and to be honest seemed a little jealous that I was getting the attention being pregnant with my first.

Then her second one came along and all of a sudden it was matching outfits on birthdays and Christmas, and obviously I wouldn’t give one child something and not give the other child something.

Then I saw she was selling what she’d asked for.

When we would go out for a night out, she would have her friend babysit for free and make a big show about how nice it was to get out, meanwhile her husband would be telling my DP he had no money. Rent came out, bills came out, loan had to be paid. My DP would end up buying rounds then.

Her DH is very resentful and feels my DP got lucky with his job and therefore is in a better position to look after his family.

I've just speed read the first page, but can I say that I reacted in absolute horror at them joining you on your honeymoon. Fuck, NO!!!! No NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What are they thinking? What are YOU thinking for not saying an immediate NO BLOODY WAY??????

On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards.

To look at things from the other perspective a little, this does read as if they had expressly said they had no money then you decided to do things that cost money. Depending on the wording I might take that as an offer to pay. If they suggested it however then they are being cheeky fuckers.

It sounds like you're in massively different places financially and you might need to look at the things you have been doing together in case there's a history of you suggesting things that you think are cheap but makes them really struggle. They might be embarrassed to admit it.

I've been on both sides of this situation in various points in my life so it's difficult to immediately rush to judgement based on a single event. I have sold gifts in the past because more wealthy people in my life have bought me something designer when my electric has been out for days and I've barely eaten.

To ask for expensive gifts to sell though is totally out of order and I would definitely have asked what the hell they thought they were doing. Again though, I've also been through times in poverty where I've thought I was doing ok then had a random letter come through saying "we have been undercharging you for years, you owe us £600 within 30 days or we are taking you to court" - in those situations politeness goes out the window and you sell whatever you can.

Either they are cheeky fuckers that need bringing back down to Earth heavily OR you've been a bit pushy and they are secretly really stressed trying to keep up. Either way you need to get it out and talk to each other properly.

This is the oddest thread ever!

How do they pay for normal life - let alone a gym subscription - if neither of them work?

How on earth can they afford weekends away, iPhone X's, Louboutins etc if neither of them work and support 2 children?

Seriously odd.

Sorry, took so long to type that that you'd updated several times since! More context makes it very clear that she is a completely spoilt and doesn't seem to accept that her income does not match her lifestyle. I'd probably just distance myself gradually because I have no idea how you confront the type of person that would buy an iphone in that situation and expect a car from you for free!

Because they keep taking out loans on the back of her compensation claim she hopes to receive

Well that house of cards is going to fall down pretty soon.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

If she requests presents again you need to mention this really.

But my god, my jaw is hitting the floor with each update! No you don't need to do any of this - it's your wedding, your honeymoon and your cash! If she wants to do a "keeping up with the Joneses" schpiel she can, but no more lending/treats/credit extended etc. And personally I'd have DH have a word with his brother.

And going to the gym isn't a full-time job, unless you're a gym instructor.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.
This is just weird. They are mad as hatters. BIN
them now.

You sound like you are in competition with her though?

Talking about all the new things you've got, the shoes, the new Tv, the honeymoon, and that she wants these things too and is trying to keep up with you. You sound delighted that she can't.

You better start cutting off your subsidising pronto as when the compo doesn’t come through or they dig themselves a bigger hole they will look straight to you.
Stop being a mug and stop now.

This woman is not your friend. She is using you and doesn't even like you very much judging by the things she's done. I'm sorry OP. Honestly, just drop them totally.

I feel for you, but you really need to stop this, they are using you, why should you pay for everything, what happens if one of you lose your job, she will have a right go at you!!! Sorry but she is laughing at you and the rest of us who have to work for a living. Read your posts back they sound awful, you both need to stand up for yourselves.

he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track.

And he seriously thinks that's a decent reason for not working??? Let alone justification for sponging off his brother???

They have mentioned the honeymoon being their last chance at having a once in a lifetime trip

Then her husband will have to go out to work to pay for it, won't he?

As for resenting your partner because he "got lucky" with his job - maybe going out and looking for a job rather than freeloading and going to the gym had something to do with it?

I simply don't understand why you view this woman as a friend. I'd have binned her off long ago. By constantly lending her and her husband money you are enabling them to carry on being completely useless wastes of space.

Just stop socialising with them outside. Invite them for dinner/take away.
It’s ridiculous that they want to join you on your honeymoon. Just say no that you want to be alone.
If they ask for subsidies, keep saying no. Tell them your wedding is clearing you out and you don’t have any more spare cash.

What a ridiculous reason for not working.

I don't know why you're friends with them, TBH. I'd drop them like a hot proverbial.